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D E E P G R I T for the latest readers contributions.... New I N S I D E R C A R D S ....
 D A N C E - L I K E - N O B O D Y'S - W A T C H I N G
One man's perception of club culture and those that make it so special.
 S M A C K - U M - U P. . .
 You’ve all heard how Mr Cheeky Chap has been making secret guest appearances at Pantos...haven't you? Well, as a newly appointed member of the secret police he wants us to believe this is his attempt to impress his senior officers by infiltrating the seedy world of amateur dramatics.
We, however get the impression there’s more to this than meets the eye.
Recent dubious evidence exposes this (Panto infiltration) as more ominous than simply gathering evidence for the authorities. It is now very clear that dressing up and shouting “Behind You” isn’t enough for the new Queen of spy rock.
In a recent performance he brought tears to the eyes of one purring co-star. She stated “This time he’s gone too far, it wasn’t funny”. Poor old Nat couldn’t sit for a week and has vowed never to perform with him again, no matter how big a star he thinks he can make her.
Even though we believe Gary is a reliable source, we have been unable to confirm this report, but would like to thank him for sending us both the story and photo. Send it to a friend
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Head down
Glad to see that Nicole Appleton has found true happiness with Ioan Gruffud star of T.V’s ‘Horn Blower’. Nicole took great interest in his ‘part’ whilst it was being shown on T.V, and she’s been a huge fan of ‘horn blowing’ ever since. She has hardly been seen outside of her house since the romance began.
Friends of the star say she’s more than happy staying in and ‘keeping her head down’.
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Rods Rod
Rod Stewart doesn’t quite ‘measure up’ in bed. And I don’t mean he’s got a small duvet cover and one pillow bigger than the other. I’m talking about Rod’s ‘Rod’.
Caprice has spoken out, claming that he is nothing compared to new love Tony Adams. Apparently, they don’t call him him the Donkey for nothing.
I called in to see how poor old Rod was bearing up. His manager worried me when he answered the door and gave off the impression that Rod had been sent to prison. I asked him where Rod was, but all he could tell me was : "Rod’s been sent away for a long stretch"...
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New 12 inch
It seems George Harrison is well on the road to recovery after his terrifying knife attack. This week he was photographed enjoying the sun and sand of the Caribbean.
However, his paradise may have been ruined when old 60’s failure Joe Brown turned up.
Poor old George must have temporarily thought he had been sent to a Butlin’s 60’s reunion night in Bangor. But after a couple of drinks they were getting on like a house on fire. That was until Joe’s idea of a ‘practical joke’ badly backfired.
Apparently George was not amused when Joe jumped out of a bush waving a 12 inch butcher’s knife shouting ‘Kill!, Kill!, Kill!’.
Joe was still laughing, even when George’s wife Olivia was kicking several shades of shit out of him.
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Barking
Phil Collins stunned on-lookers this week as he picked up his Golden Globe. He stood up and ‘barked’ his acceptant speech to his ‘dog’ back home.
Phil must be going insane as she was clearly sat next to him through out the award ceremony.
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Big ears
Noel Gallager has a stalker I can reveal. Police have warned the star to beef up security after a balding ginger-haired man with big ears and a thick Scottish accent was spotted out side Noel’s house and studio last week.
Apparently the man was seen crying and shaking his head. Eyewitnesses said they heard the man shouting out. "Why did you leave me ? I loved you ! I’m finished now you’ve gone!".
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Porker
Good Lord! There she goes again! Just when we could all do with a laugh, old ‘poodle in marmalade’ Geri Halliwell has turned up wearing a horrific lime green ‘off the body’ number.
Christ! And I thought I’d been scared when I accidentally walked in on my Aunt Beryl whilst she was washing her great sea whale of a body in the showers of a German youth hostel when I was 12. But this really takes the biscuit.
Geri was photographed attending a boring celeb bash at a huge manor house in Cannes. I can just hear the manor’s doorman now as he sees Geri arriving in the distance…
"Master your order of Pork for Sunday seems to have arrived, although it is looking a little more slender than usual. Oh, and it appears those ghastly lime green curtains you ordered have also arrived".
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 R O C K G O D S . . .
Well wash my nuts in a jar of battery acid, if it ain’t those ‘hard rocking Gods of Metal’ Guns and Roses, who seem to be popping out of the land of nowhere with their new album ‘Chinese Democracy’.
I know it sounds like a disease you’d pick up whist having some ‘fun’ with a sailor in a Chinese Brothel, but the album is a serious piece of artistic work. I mean even the first single (Oh My God!) is taken from the sound track to the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ‘End Of Days’.
Front man Axl Rose decribes the album as ‘a mix of industrial rock and electronica’. Glad to see you still have the knack of being four years behind everyone else Axl.
Your next album will probably have a ‘Grunge’ feel to it.
Axl says he wants to ‘take some of the old Gun’s fans along with him into the the 21st century.’ I think you’ll find what’s left of them at the ‘White Swan’ just outside of Selsdon Axl.
Try going Wednesday night where they’ll all be propping up the bar for cheap cider on skittles night.
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 B R I T D R O W N A N D O U T . . .
 If anybody has been wondering what happened to our beloved Britney Doll we can now put your mind at rest...She's safe!
If you remember back in issue three we thought she drowned whilst swimming at the local pool. And rather than go through a long inquiry and expensive ceremony we ditched her over a wall in the car park.
Well it seems she wasn’t dead after all. She ran off to some convent to convalesce after the truma of her burst breast. We can now report she made friends with the long lost Sinead Doll and is feeling much better. We sent an inside photographer out to snap up and find out what was going down.
If you like what you see Send it to a friend.
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 A O L W A R N E R E M I (HELL) . . .
So it finally happened...apart from a few dots and crosses the biggest record company in the world is soon to be part of AOL (Americans Own Lucifer) and we’re all doomed.
This is a long shot, but one idea is we all say sorry to Cliff and the other wishy washy Christian acts out there and promise to turn to god.
Let's put our hands together and pray all this talk of how music over the internet will change our lives is nothing more than a big corporate joke.
Better still...Let’s all go out and find a life, or at least some friends to talk to, then we can stop wasting our sad lives on-line and the evil ones will have no one to brainwash into thinking there’s some good in it. |
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 B I G B R O T H E R S . . .
 Oasis find they’re not Big Brothers after all and could be facing a legal war over their new Big Brother record label.
A Dutch TV company claims to have already registered the same name as a trademark and don’t want to be associated with the failing masters of Brit Pop.
Meanwhile, in an attempt to hang on to what they once had, OASIS have added another full-length audio track to their website - The track 'As Long As They've Got Cigarettes In Hell', is the B-side of the single 'Go Let It Out'. You can find it on www.morecraponline.con .
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 T O A D I N A H O L E . . .
I always thought Dave Stewart was a complete and utter waste of time, and this weeks story comes as no surprise. Not content with looking like a bleached toad, he is now acting like a huge OILY TWAT. Apparently so keen is he to be a success, he now personally checks how well his recent album ‘Peace’ is selling in Covent Garden’s ‘Our Price’.
A sales assistant said… "He comes in and asks where the Eurythmics’ albums are, and gets well pissed off when their not selling"… I feel sorry for you Dave. This is the act of a desperate farm animal. You must be permanently ‘pissed off’ because no one’s bought your donkey’s shite since around March 1989.
I think you’ll find it easier to find your album ‘Peace’ the next time you’re in Our Price…..
You’ll find it in the rack under the sign ‘Three albums for £20’.
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 D O W N D A D D Y D O W N . . .
 Hippy Hoppy Poppy megastar PUFFY DADDY is once again shooting from the hip and has announced his first ever UK tour dates. All going well and with help from his big time lawyer, he is scheduled to play Birmingham NEC (April 4), Manchester MEN Arena (April 6) and Wembley Arena (April 7).
The afflicted rapper/producer, who's currently awaiting trial on illegal firearm possession charges following a shooting incident at a New York club last December is said to be V scared, but confident his lawyer will help.
If, however the lawyer fucks up the Gangster starlet is once again staring prison in the face.
This seems unlikely as ‘Puff’ has hired the same lawyer as OJ Simpson, Johnie Cochran.
A representative stated : "All the evidence points to Mr Puff Daddy. He was found with the weapon in his car, he was seen speeding away from the scene of the crime and witnesses saw him fire the weapon. So there is clearly no doubt Mr Daddy is completely innocent."
Regardless of the outcome it's expected that tickets for the UK dates will sell out fast. This is due to the low intelligence of his fans. |
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 M I 5 . . .
Well, well, well. Another week is here on the merry-go-round of pop. This week I decided to leave my hill top retreat, with it’s beautiful views and countryside wildlife. (I call it my ‘House In The Tree’).
I travelled across the seas of love in a luxury private plane (named ‘Easy Jet’) to a place called France. Here I met with a former MI5 agent David Shaylor who gave me new and interesting facts about the ‘Pop stars’ they kept on their files. These ‘criminals’ included none other than John Lennon, The Sex Pistols and those dangerous villains UB40.
Apparently John Lennon was under surveillance because the FBI believed he ‘might be a drug user’ and a ‘political activist’. Um…. Hello! You thick doughnuts! ‘I Am The Walrus’ ‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’ ‘Cold Turkey’. Yep, I think John Lennon may have used drugs! God, no wonder they couldn’t convict OJ.
The FBI and MI5 also raided The Sex Pistols during their 1978 US tour. However, all they found were four young men standing around with glasses of sherry talking about the works of Chekov and Arthur Miller. David Shaylor told me they were ‘completely different behind closed doors’.
MI5 finally tracked UB40 down in 1988. .."We’d searched most of Europe for six years. Then one day a colleague of mine came up with the idea of trying their home town of Birmingham…" It did not take long to find them. …"There was a massive wave of ganja smoke coming from a council flat, just north of the city", one cop told me. "We just followed it, but by the time we’d got there we were so stoned we’d forgot what we’d gone there for. By which time UB40 had disguised most of their blocks of dope as furniture, and we just spent the rest of the night talking about Chekov and Arthur Miller…"
Over the next few weeks I will hint at the identity of artists strategically placed within the industry by various intelligence agency staff. These (high flying) parasites of pop have been fashioned and planted to sniff out any potential subversive elements...I will do my best to warn those currently under surveillance.
Take care...It's not padded out there.
Benjie |
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 M A R T I N E . . .
This isn’t a story, or anything of the kind, but a cheap opportunity to show you Martine's Puppies, learning to swim down at the local sports pool.
In all honesty, from a animal lovers view point, I think they’re pretty damn cute. Look at their sweet little, wet noses. (Please don't drown them Martine, I'll take care of them for you)
Makes one think... If she could get her voice to stand up as well in public she would be on to a good thing. |
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 B L A C K W O O D B R A N D . . .
 Back in issue 4 we told you about the magical makeover of TV presenter Richard Blackwood. We can now reveal the fight for the Blackwood media brand is over. Cheryl Robson at East West (Soon part of AOL) has been given the responsibility of making this UK Will Smith singing long shot a commercial reality.
Blackwood is a member of a long standing show biz family and his first single is a cover of his uncle’s 1982 hit 'Mama Used To Say'. Whether or not this rap version will be strong or cool enough to crack the charts for any length of time is yet to be seen, but setting yourself up as a new Will Smith is bordering on stupid.
That aside you can see how the brand will take care of itself. The long list of family, friends and connections will all fight long and hard for a cut of this versatile brand, sorry I mean talent.
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 P O P U P S . . .
Just when I thought that Ricky Martin had finally run out of Salsa sauce, up he pops with his own ‘pop up’ valentines card. This was done by old Ricky so he can rake in all the money as his ‘gravy stained’ face ‘pops out’ of the card everywhere on Feb the 14th.
But, once again I have been doing some detective work around the card factories of Britain and had some sneak previews of how other celebs pop-up Valentine cards are shaping up:
Cliff Richard : His face pops up from inside the card once every five years and then disappears again. A very popular buy with anyone who still laughs at ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Cliff’s card is also very popular with virgins, but can be very hard to get rid of. Even if you left the card in a stone tomb with a huge stone boulder in front of it, it would probably still turn up around the time of Easter.
Geri Halliwell : Geri’s card ‘pops up’ everywhere. It also does not like sharing the mantel piece with other cards. May slowly disappear over the year leaving the card very bare. The card comes with a large amount of wrapping, but once you get past this the packaging it really is rather empty.
Michael Jackson : His card is very elaborate, but not as popular as it was ten years ago.
Tends to melt when left too close to naked flames. However does tend to ‘stiffen up’ again if handled by young boys. (This card resembles Gary Glitter’s, except his is only available over the internet.)
George Michael : You don’t want to know what ‘pops up’ out of his card.
Pet Shop Boys : Comes in Pink and has a very prominent crease round the back.
Does tend to ‘split’ quite easily.
Robbie Williams : Very popular and quite amusing to begin with, but after a while becomes very irritating. His face is plastered all over the front of the card, and due to the size of his head, tends to fall over all the time. Quite good to punch though.
Rod Stewart : Rod’s card looks as if it could be very impressive from a distance, even though the card is very wrinkly. Women have been known to take the card home, unwrap it and ask "Is that it ?".
Mick Jagger : His Valentine gets tired very quickly due to the age of the card used which dates back to stone age times. Must be kept away from the bedroom as once the man has got up to go to the bathroom, Mick’s card can often ‘jump’ in to bed and start spraying ‘glue’ all over the room
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