:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Next Update Fri 14th Jan 2000 JAN 2000
Issue 4 - Updated:7.1.2000

Send an I N S I D E R C A R D or Try the P O P Q U I Z

B I G B R O T H E R. . .

Noel spills the beans and confirms the new Oasis album
"Standing on the Shoulder of Giants" will be released on the band’s newly formed record label 'Big Brother'. The premiered single "Go Let it Out" illustrates how important it is for the band to look to other means of making money and just maybe running their own label will help, but only if they can find new talent to take over where they left off.

The new album and other label releases will be distributed by the real Big Brother Sony. Now there’s a surprise?

-------------------------

Blank
Jennifer Lopez has finally dumped Puff Daddy.

Apparently she was fed up with a big time gangster firing blanks.

-------------------------

Rickets
Did you know Adam Rickett actually writes his own words. Unbelievable! In his last single ‘The Best Thing’ he penned the line… ‘It’s taken time for me to find the one true path was right before my eyes. Oh, I was blind not to see’…

I’m surprised it took you so long to ‘See’ the ‘Path’ Adam, as it is quite clear to most people once you’re passed the door marked "EXIT".

If you look a bit harder you’ll be able to see a sign in the distance marked ‘Tesco 9-5pm, £3.50 an hour. Uniform provided.’

-------------------------

Going down
S Club 7 have had a great year in the wonderful world of pop.

Paul states that the highlight of his year was...’The premiere of Back to The Fifties’.
Isn’t it ironic that by the end of the week your single ‘S Club Party’ will also be heading ‘Back to the Fifties’.

-------------------------

Luck
Jamiroquai did well with their recent single ‘King for a Day’. And judging by JKs massive mansion, his rampant romps with Denise Van Outen, and his fleet of sports cars he should have called the single ‘Jammy git for life’.

JK you have had more Luck than a sex addict in a Taiwanese Brothel. May the wheels on your Ferrari never give way on the bend of a large mountain.

-------------------------

What next
Massive’s 3D and Prodigy’s Howlet have combined their unique non-talents and given birth to a new song called "Souvenir" and yes as the name suggests it’s something you get on impulse and then regret.

The single will be released sometime in the first quarter, if they can find a label stupid enough to put its neck on the line.

-------------------------

V2 v Gurr
Q: Gurr "what the fuck do you think your playing at ? If you don’t like the way I run things I’ll go. I’ll get a new deal. Where the fuck would you be if it wasn’t for me. You’ve done fuck all else you bunch of wankers ! "
A: V2 "Ok you’re free to go !"

-------------------------

Church Goer
Well lick my chops and call me ‘Sinead’.
Charlotte Church is now secretly dating the lead singer of Boney M.

Not content with the controversy she caused with her drinking habits at the Pre-Christmas party, she stunned all on lookers at a recent Songs of Praise recording by turning up at St. David’s Church in Exeter with the oldest funk monkey in town.

Local newspapers were equally stunned prompting such a sensationalistic headline as ’BONEY M RESURRECTED IN CHURCH’.

-------------------------

Hard at the top
Isn’t it good to see old Shitmire Twat hasn’t lost her head whist being propelled to the top of the album charts. In a recent interview she declares.. "I don’t really like people treating me as a star. I’m so uncomfortable with that. In a normal social environment I don’t want to be treated special or different. It’s something that really bothers me."

So having a tour crew of 500, a personal assistant, a manager, a chauffeur driven limo, and album sales of more than 30 million, must really get you down love.

-------------------------

Travisty
Travis were this years surprise sad student hit band.

The album ‘The Man Who’ is as musically challenging as a five year old playing ‘chop sticks’, with all the aggression and punch of Mohammed Ali. How the hell they flogged over a million I’ll never know. There must be more deaf donkeys buying CD’s than ever.

-------------------------

M A C K T H E K N I F E . . .

George Harrison is now recovering after last weeks crazed knife attack at his humble home in the country.
Jesus! What’s wrong with you nutters out there? It’s Paul we’re trying to shut up! First John gets it, whilst Yoko skips away with all his money and now George gets it whilst Paul continues to sing Butlin’s versions of great 50’s rock songs.

Then again...George was talking about reforming the Travelling Wilburys.

Retro

R O W L A N D O V E R . . .

The New Year is a time to spread hope and think about others less fortunate than ourselves. A few poor souls spring to mind. The war torn children of Bosnia, the starving in Africa….and Kevin Rowland.

I thought my 1999 was bad. Poor old Kev dresses up as a chick, releases an album and sells less than 500 copies (all of which were bought by his mate Alan) and then suffers some kind of nervous break down. God the poor bloke.

Boy George did the same thing a decade ago and made millions. Looks like the British don’t fall for the same sick trick twice. Wipe the make up off Kev, give your mum her dress back and get Dexy’s back together. It’s your only hope.

S A I N T L Y S A C R I F I C E . . .

Those sweet little All Saints sisters have had a terrible festive period.

First Natalie split with Jonny Lee Miller. Apparently she was fed up with his continued Train Spotting antics and the fact that after mammoth sex sessions it took him hours to re-stoke the boiler.

Nicole on the other hand gave lover Gavin Rossdale the heave-ho after he kept banging on about not being able to concentrate on their relationship due to him being face down in an accommodating Bush all the time.

Dib Dib

A P P L E T A R T . . .

Madonna is releasing a cover of Don Mclean’s classic ‘American Pie’.

It’s funny how Madonna’s career has some rather striking similarities with an American pie. She started off as nice to look at, with a taste that was sweet and refreshing.

However, as the years have passed she has started to sag in the middle, become more and more ‘Crusty ‘ on top and is now well past her sell by date.

Not so much an American pie, more an old ‘Tart’ who’s had more than her fair share of ‘Apple Turnovers’ and some of the biggest ‘spotted dicks’ in the ‘Big Apple’.

A N T S L I F E . . .

I’m not Mystic Meg, but I’ve got a horrible feeling about those adorable little monkies Ant n’ Dec. Something tells me that their shelf life maybe coming to an end. Ant is still very up beat though, and pipes up with.. ‘ I’d love to do a one-off gig somewhere with loads of friends and family, performing some of the old numbers and having a good laugh.’

Don’t worry Ant, this will happen. However, it won’t be a one-off. It will be for about two months a year from December till February, and I’m sure there’ll be plenty of ‘friends and family’ there cheering you on. Unfortunately, you won’t be called ‘Ant’, you’ll be called ‘Buttons’ and the people of Newcastle will laugh a’ plenty at you every Christmas.

K I N G O F K I N G S . . .
The twisted face of J f K has been temporarily shafted from his music executive job in "The Song For Europe" because he has been caught with his fingers in the so called creative till, or officially because he has an interest / involvement with one of the semi finalists, or at least six of them.

What this actually means is Jon’s misguided sense of achievement was trying to fix something which has been broken from the beginning of time. My question is why on earth would anybody with a life want to fix this insult to British contemporary music? Tip sheet or No Tip sheet…get a life Jon.

D O G S D I N E R . . .

Selling as well as a Milli Vanilli album, is that much hated trouser filler ‘Songs From The Last Century’. I warned you! Poor old Virgin spent 4 million publicising old Georgie’s latest album of much loved ‘covers’, only to see it lose out to such classic albums as ‘Steptacular’ by Steps,
and ‘S Club’ by those masters of music S Club 7.

Maybe if you stopped playing the ‘pink oboe’ and started writing some decent new songs you might get some where near the top 40 again.

Y 2 K . . .

Everyone has New Year Predictions. And here are mine for the wonderful world of music in the year 2000….

1)
Boyzone will split. Mikey’s plumbing career will have turned out to be a massive side track to the band's recording commitments. Also their idea to release the heavily rap influenced tune "Big up to my black bitch" will see the public turn against them around August.

2)
Oasis will release an album that sounds like the last three; claim to dominate the world again, then play to half packed houses across America; fight; come home; play Wembley and then finally realise no one gives a monkeys anymore.

3)
Britney Spears tits will grow and grow in a desperate attempt to get some attention after her poor selling album "101 Classic Cockney Anthems".

4)
Geri Halliwell will come back declaring that she is one of the most important ‘Black Artists‘ of the 21st Century. You don’t want to see what she’s done to get publicity this time.

5)
Take That will reform. Gary Barlow desperately needs the money as a certain habit has got out of control, and I’m not talking about collecting model cars. Robbie will be replaced by Bonnie Langford, and their new material is said to sound more like ’global trance mixed with phat beats and bombastic dub grooves’.
Speaking from his room at Dagenham’s YWCA, Jason Orange said "It’s a million miles away from what we have done before. Bonnie’s really brought in some bangin’ tunes. There’s one tune ‘Unzip my Fishing Rod and put it in your Love Pond’ that’s got Bonnie’s friend and chef Rusty Lee rappin’ all over it. It’s top! I’ve got to split. Pizza to deliver."

6)
The Light House Family will split up. Nothing shocking to report. They just sat down and realised they were shit.

Tabby

L O N D O N'S B U R N I N G . . .

So what’s going down in old London town?

It seems all is not clear with the future now that the big cheese has switched camp. It looks unlikely that the long romance with (what is now) Universal can continue what with Mr A being such a top cat at Warners, so what next?

The obvious option would be for London to set up camp with Mr A at Warners, but will the other big cheeses want to adopt the infectious and somewhat volatile nature of TB and what will it cost?

Something will happen because there is much to offer, but it needs to be soon because without firm distribution and commitment the main assets including All Saints have options.

T H E B L A C K W O O D B R A N D . . .

Richard Blackwood.. Who ?

Unless you watch MTV or C4 there’s a good chance you’ve never heard of Mr Blackwood. Well let’s just say this might all be about to change. Rumour has it he’s undergoing a major make over which will magically transform him into the next Will Smith and with this new found image he is about to sign a mega record deal with one of the big boys.

There’s a reported bidding war going on based on a rather lush business plan that promises fruits of massive proportions behind the Blackwood brand, sorry I mean talent…watch this space.

© Copyright 2000
Insiders

	Send an I N S I D E R C A R D or Try the P O P Q U I Z B I G B R O T H E R. . . Noel spills the beans and confirms the new Oasis album "Standing on the Shoulder of Giants" will be released on the band’s newly formed record label 'Big Brother'. The premiered single "Go Let it Out" illustrates how important it is for the band to look to other means of making money and just maybe running their own label will help, but only if they can find new talent to take over where they left off. The new album and other label releases will be distributed by the real Big Brother Sony. Now there’s a surprise?	------------------------- Blank Jennifer Lopez has finally dumped Puff Daddy. Apparently she was fed up with a big time gangster firing blanks. ------------------------- Rickets Did you know Adam Rickett actually writes his own words. Unbelievable! In his last single ‘The Best Thing’ he penned the line… ‘It’s taken time for me to find the one true path was right before my eyes. Oh, I was blind not to see’… I’m surprised it took you so long to ‘See’ the ‘Path’ Adam, as it is quite clear to most people once you’re passed the door marked "EXIT". If you look a bit harder you’ll be able to see a sign in the distance marked ‘Tesco 9-5pm, £3.50 an hour. Uniform provided.’ ------------------------- Going down S Club 7 have had a great year in the wonderful world of pop. Paul states that the highlight of his year was...’The premiere of Back to The Fifties’. Isn’t it ironic that by the end of the week your single ‘S Club Party’ will also be heading ‘Back to the Fifties’. ------------------------- Luck Jamiroquai did well with their recent single ‘King for a Day’. And judging by JKs massive mansion, his rampant romps with Denise Van Outen, and his fleet of sports cars he should have called the single ‘Jammy git for life’. JK you have had more Luck than a sex addict in a Taiwanese Brothel. May the wheels on your Ferrari never give way on the bend of a large mountain. ------------------------- What next Massive’s 3D and Prodigy’s Howlet have combined their unique non-talents and given birth to a new song called "Souvenir" and yes as the name suggests it’s something you get on impulse and then regret. The single will be released sometime in the first quarter, if they can find a label stupid enough to put its neck on the line. ------------------------- V2 v Gurr Q: Gurr "what the fuck do you think your playing at ? If you don’t like the way I run things I’ll go. I’ll get a new deal. Where the fuck would you be if it wasn’t for me. You’ve done fuck all else you bunch of wankers ! " A: V2 "Ok you’re free to go !" ------------------------- Church Goer Well lick my chops and call me ‘Sinead’. Charlotte Church is now secretly dating the lead singer of Boney M. Not content with the controversy she caused with her drinking habits at the Pre-Christmas party, she stunned all on lookers at a recent Songs of Praise recording by turning up at St. David’s Church in Exeter with the oldest funk monkey in town. Local newspapers were equally stunned prompting such a sensationalistic headline as ’BONEY M RESURRECTED IN CHURCH’. ------------------------- Hard at the top Isn’t it good to see old Shitmire Twat hasn’t lost her head whist being propelled to the top of the album charts. In a recent interview she declares.. "I don’t really like people treating me as a star. I’m so uncomfortable with that. In a normal social environment I don’t want to be treated special or different. It’s something that really bothers me." So having a tour crew of 500, a personal assistant, a manager, a chauffeur driven limo, and album sales of more than 30 million, must really get you down love. ------------------------- Travisty Travis were this years surprise sad student hit band. The album ‘The Man Who’ is as musically challenging as a five year old playing ‘chop sticks’, with all the aggression and punch of Mohammed Ali. How the hell they flogged over a million I’ll never know. There must be more deaf donkeys buying CD’s than ever. -------------------------
	M A C K T H E K N I F E . . . George Harrison is now recovering after last weeks crazed knife attack at his humble home in the country. Jesus! What’s wrong with you nutters out there? It’s Paul we’re trying to shut up! First John gets it, whilst Yoko skips away with all his money and now George gets it whilst Paul continues to sing Butlin’s versions of great 50’s rock songs. Then again...George was talking about reforming the Travelling Wilburys. Retro
	R O W L A N D O V E R . . . The New Year is a time to spread hope and think about others less fortunate than ourselves. A few poor souls spring to mind. The war torn children of Bosnia, the starving in Africa….and Kevin Rowland. I thought my 1999 was bad. Poor old Kev dresses up as a chick, releases an album and sells less than 500 copies (all of which were bought by his mate Alan) and then suffers some kind of nervous break down. God the poor bloke. Boy George did the same thing a decade ago and made millions. Looks like the British don’t fall for the same sick trick twice. Wipe the make up off Kev, give your mum her dress back and get Dexy’s back together. It’s your only hope.
	S A I N T L Y S A C R I F I C E . . . Those sweet little All Saints sisters have had a terrible festive period. First Natalie split with Jonny Lee Miller. Apparently she was fed up with his continued Train Spotting antics and the fact that after mammoth sex sessions it took him hours to re-stoke the boiler. Nicole on the other hand gave lover Gavin Rossdale the heave-ho after he kept banging on about not being able to concentrate on their relationship due to him being face down in an accommodating Bush all the time. Dib Dib
	A P P L E T A R T . . . Madonna is releasing a cover of Don Mclean’s classic ‘American Pie’. It’s funny how Madonna’s career has some rather striking similarities with an American pie. She started off as nice to look at, with a taste that was sweet and refreshing. However, as the years have passed she has started to sag in the middle, become more and more ‘Crusty ‘ on top and is now well past her sell by date. Not so much an American pie, more an old ‘Tart’ who’s had more than her fair share of ‘Apple Turnovers’ and some of the biggest ‘spotted dicks’ in the ‘Big Apple’.
	A N T S L I F E . . . I’m not Mystic Meg, but I’ve got a horrible feeling about those adorable little monkies Ant n’ Dec. Something tells me that their shelf life maybe coming to an end. Ant is still very up beat though, and pipes up with.. ‘ I’d love to do a one-off gig somewhere with loads of friends and family, performing some of the old numbers and having a good laugh.’ Don’t worry Ant, this will happen. However, it won’t be a one-off. It will be for about two months a year from December till February, and I’m sure there’ll be plenty of ‘friends and family’ there cheering you on. Unfortunately, you won’t be called ‘Ant’, you’ll be called ‘Buttons’ and the people of Newcastle will laugh a’ plenty at you every Christmas.
	K I N G O F K I N G S . . . The twisted face of J f K has been temporarily shafted from his music executive job in "The Song For Europe" because he has been caught with his fingers in the so called creative till, or officially because he has an interest / involvement with one of the semi finalists, or at least six of them. What this actually means is Jon’s misguided sense of achievement was trying to fix something which has been broken from the beginning of time. My question is why on earth would anybody with a life want to fix this insult to British contemporary music? Tip sheet or No Tip sheet…get a life Jon.
	D O G S D I N E R . . . Selling as well as a Milli Vanilli album, is that much hated trouser filler ‘Songs From The Last Century’. I warned you! Poor old Virgin spent 4 million publicising old Georgie’s latest album of much loved ‘covers’, only to see it lose out to such classic albums as ‘Steptacular’ by Steps, and ‘S Club’ by those masters of music S Club 7. Maybe if you stopped playing the ‘pink oboe’ and started writing some decent new songs you might get some where near the top 40 again.
	Y 2 K . . . Everyone has New Year Predictions. And here are mine for the wonderful world of music in the year 2000…. 1) Boyzone will split. Mikey’s plumbing career will have turned out to be a massive side track to the band's recording commitments. Also their idea to release the heavily rap influenced tune "Big up to my black bitch" will see the public turn against them around August. 2) Oasis will release an album that sounds like the last three; claim to dominate the world again, then play to half packed houses across America; fight; come home; play Wembley and then finally realise no one gives a monkeys anymore. 3) Britney Spears tits will grow and grow in a desperate attempt to get some attention after her poor selling album "101 Classic Cockney Anthems". 4) Geri Halliwell will come back declaring that she is one of the most important ‘Black Artists‘ of the 21st Century. You don’t want to see what she’s done to get publicity this time. 5) Take That will reform. Gary Barlow desperately needs the money as a certain habit has got out of control, and I’m not talking about collecting model cars. Robbie will be replaced by Bonnie Langford, and their new material is said to sound more like ’global trance mixed with phat beats and bombastic dub grooves’. Speaking from his room at Dagenham’s YWCA, Jason Orange said "It’s a million miles away from what we have done before. Bonnie’s really brought in some bangin’ tunes. There’s one tune ‘Unzip my Fishing Rod and put it in your Love Pond’ that’s got Bonnie’s friend and chef Rusty Lee rappin’ all over it. It’s top! I’ve got to split. Pizza to deliver." 6) The Light House Family will split up. Nothing shocking to report. They just sat down and realised they were shit. Tabby
	L O N D O N'S B U R N I N G . . . So what’s going down in old London town? It seems all is not clear with the future now that the big cheese has switched camp. It looks unlikely that the long romance with (what is now) Universal can continue what with Mr A being such a top cat at Warners, so what next? The obvious option would be for London to set up camp with Mr A at Warners, but will the other big cheeses want to adopt the infectious and somewhat volatile nature of TB and what will it cost? Something will happen because there is much to offer, but it needs to be soon because without firm distribution and commitment the main assets including All Saints have options.
	T H E B L A C K W O O D B R A N D . . . Richard Blackwood.. Who ? Unless you watch MTV or C4 there’s a good chance you’ve never heard of Mr Blackwood. Well let’s just say this might all be about to change. Rumour has it he’s undergoing a major make over which will magically transform him into the next Will Smith and with this new found image he is about to sign a mega record deal with one of the big boys. There’s a reported bidding war going on based on a rather lush business plan that promises fruits of massive proportions behind the Blackwood brand, sorry I mean talent…watch this space.
© Copyright 2000 Insiders