:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Next Update 7th Jan 2000
Issue 3 - Updated:24.12.99.

Send this week's I N S I D E R C A R D S or Try the P O P Q U I Z

U N I V E R S A L S T A R W A R S. . .

Mark, all this retaliation is admirable, but why bother? All it’s gonna get you is wound up and ready to perform in a well thought out industry circus.

The Evil Caped Kennedy might be slimy but he’s not stupid. Ever since Rog jumped ship things have been afoot, or more likely things were afoot before his departure and it was only a matter of time before that Strainge thing got his tongue well and truly embedded. Let’s face it, Lucy has never been that bright and any good ideas he’s been associated with have come from dubious sources. As far as the Kennedy camp is concerned a puppet is far preferable to a living doll.

Long gone are the good old days where RC owners cared about their team or artists. Cross Chris predicted the change, jumped ship leaving a few survivors to fight the cause, but as you know ideals get diluted along the way.

There are others out there looking for talent to fill the void, especially with the internet and new media growing at such a rate, so don’t worry about a thing 'cos every little thing is gonna be alright.

Shadow

-------------------------

Mad fools
OK, Shania Twain – sincere new musical genius, or over-hyped muppet with bad hair? Whilst the jury is still out, the public have voted with her ‘Come on Over’ album winning it’s 7th platinum award.

-------------------------

999
Whilst mechanical problems beleaguered London’s Millennium Big Wheel, the EMI Ferris wheel is turning at a spanking pace. Whether or not teen-sensation ‘911’ will need 999 as they are hurled from the top remains to be seen.

-------------------------

Bread head
The price-slashing wars continue apace with UK supermarkets battling it out to undercut CD prices in their stores. We look forward to the day when buying a loaf will also bag you a Top 10 album.

-------------------------

In a pickle
Dicky Pickle is now playing with bees it was reported recently. S&M – that’s Sound & Media to you – has taken over Beehive International in a move that apparently "harps back to [Mr pickle’s] policy" of world domination in every conceivable market. Well that’s nice then.

-------------------------

Up the Cole
Glad to see that Man Utd’s Andy Cole has given up his musical career. Apparently his last single had been shaping up quite nicely. However, after dribbling into the top 100, the single was hoofed miles wide of the target.

-------------------------

Macy Gray
My dear James who are you trying to fool with that red Rose stuck up your ass??? You’ve been lucky this time, but don’t believe the hype and remember those pats can soon feel like stabs when the madness settles. The thing about Gray days is no one wants them around forever - bring back the sun….

Meanwhile, well done love. Enjoy it whilst it lasts and please don’t take offence Macy we like it. That’s just ‘How Life Is’

-------------------------

Geri 4 Chris
I read with heart felt sorrow that Geri Halliwell has been forced to pull out of her first T.V special because she is still heart broken after Chrissy Evans dumped her.

Well sand my deck chair and call me ‘Augusta’ if this friggin’ old ginger monkey
isn’t still banging on about this sad publicity stunt of a relationship.

Hello, Geri. You got your number one. Can’t you leave us all alone now? Can’t you stop planting horrid visions of you and Mr Tangerine nuts having it off? Obviously not. Not until your limp dick of an album starts climbing up the Christmas charts again.

-------------------------

Pap
A1 ‘s album is in the charts. It’s called "Here we come".
It’s now more a case of ‘Here we come…and there we go’ isn’t it lads?

-------------------------

What’s the matter Foo
The Foo Fighters new album is called "Nothing Left to Lose".

You’re right lads. You’ve lost you’re record sales, your post grunge appeal, and
by the sound of this new offering any small amount of musical talent you ever may have had.

-------------------------

By George was that Glitter.
Boy George was nearly killed by a huge glitter ball this week. No, it’s not funny.

It’s not funny, because he was ‘nearly’ killed. Not ‘definitely’.

-------------------------

T A K E T H A T . . .

Down and out as expected is poor old Gary Barlow.

Seriously shafted by RCA in favour of Westlife and Five, he’s out in the cold this Christmas - and it just goes to show that if your bag of bits don’t match up to the new kids you’re fucked.

Things looked good for a while after Take That split, with a couple of singles and a sad, but reasonably successful first album. "Twelve Months Eleven Days" put a stop to all that hope and dumped all over the face of RCA. The big question now is will anybody pick up the Barlow option and if so why?

Retro

P U B B A N D O N T H E R U N . . .

Dear, oh dear. Last week I cried all the way home. I had, in all fairness, been rather harsh to a very rich and defenceless old man. I went off on one. Perhaps Paul McCartney wasn’t really that bad on Parkinson. Maybe he (or even you my avid readers) really ain’t too bothered about me and my yawnful drivel.

So I was willing to give ‘old puppy dog eyes’ another chance. It’s Christmas - a time when Santa does tireless work on behalf of the world’s toy industry, and everyone pretends to like one another. This was all before I saw old ‘Macca‘ and his ‘dads army’ playing back down the Cavern.

His backing band has David Gilmour on lead guitar. Obviously Pink Floyd records aren’t selling so well, or all that LSD has finally tripped him out so much that he thinks he’s playing with a geriatric weasel with a blue rinse (which isn’t that far from the truth).

I take nothing back from what I said last week. Please, please Paul stop this now, you old leather sofa.

Britaid
R . I . P . . .

I know this ‘joke’ is wearing thin, but I must update you on me and my Britney doll. As you know last week she lost a breast in a close call accident, but by luck I found a grape to use as an implant and all was well again. However, this week all is not well…

It is my sad duty to report that my Britney has tragically passed away.

Whilst out on a date - swimming with her at the local indoor pool, I took my eyes off her for just one moment, and her grape got swept away by a strange under current coming from Fatty McGregor’s swimming trunks.

As her grape dislodged and slowly floated away, she began to fill with water and went down within a matter of seconds. I tried mouth to mouth but to no avail. To save time, and the emotional trauma of a long and drawn out ceremony, I just lobbed her over the wall of a car park on the way home.

Britney is gone, but not forgotten.

Dib Dib

W I T H W I N G S . . .

Just when I thought that ‘boy bands’ were on the way out, and that a massive skiffle-craze was about to rip right through the heart of pre-pubescent school girls, along come those five singing car mechanics ‘West Life’.

About as harmless as a pillow fight with a dead pigeon, they set the charts alight last month with their massive hit "Flying Without Wings".

Now the latest offering is another bucket of wet snow. "I Have a Dream / Seasons in the Sun" is at No1. As much as we’re happy to see Cliff justly crucified here’s an idea lads. The next time you’re in the Dover area, take a long walk along those famous cliffs and try a hop, skip and a jump to see if you really can ‘Fly Without Wings’, you cheeky tampons.

G O D I S G O O D . . .

...but not that good.

Sorry Cliff but not even the Big G can help you now. Let this be a lesson to you - "You can’t get better than a Kwik Fit Fitter"

R E V E L A T I O N . . .

What a revelation.

Fuck-of-the-month goes to Oasis or at least the new record company they set up - (SONY???) The new album "Standing on the Shoulders of Giants" or "Pissing on the Heads of Sony" is out on the US streets two months before the official release date. Those evil pirates of shame got there first and you can get it on any street corner.

Who’s behind this major whoops and was it intentional? We all know how Oasis need to break the States in a desperate attempt to survive a dwindling fan base in the UK, so what better way to get publicity and support from doppy Americans, than to let them think they’re getting an exclusive / underground preview of the latest offering of these Brit Pop has beens.

In the US, Sony big wigs are melting with embarrassment as they try to explain this fortuitous accident. One can only guess where the bootlegger’s millions will go. Come back Alan we forgive you.

W H O'S C O O K I N G W I T H F L O Y D . . .

Pink Floyd have recently been describing how they made their ‘classic’ album, "The Wall".

The old dears reeled off fascinating (yawn) after fascinating (yawn) fact about their pompous, middle class, art teacher, up it’s arse, clever clog, rock shite.

Isn’t it a shame that these old donkeys are now fighting over their musical drivel.

Maybe if they’d been this uptight and bitter when they were recording their ‘wall of piss’ it may have had more musical punch.

Instead, it was about as inspiring and interesting as a coach journey around Colchester on a rainy November morning.

Why don’t you shut up and leave us all alone you boring old drugged up gypsies.

H A M S T E R D A N C E . . .

For anyone out there who wants to do the ‘Hamster dance’ but can’t afford the single, here’s a cheaper way to join in this ‘dance craze’ that’s sweeping the nation.

1. Get four young Hamsters.
2. Feed them 2 teaspoons of pure liquid ecstasy each.
3. Put a Pet shop Boys album on. (This will really put the wind up the little fellas)
4. Dowse their tails in brandy and light with a naked flame.
5. Sit back and wait for the all new hamster dance to ‘explode’ into life.

Tabby

S I N K I N G F E E L I N G . . .

Talking of crap granny muzak,
I’m glad to see there’s no Jane MacDonald record out this Christmas. Had she and her fog horn voice been performing on board the Titanic that fateful night lives would have been saved. For as soon as she opened her big trap the ship’s Captain would have instantly turned the ship back to port to unload all heavy and superfluous cargo. Having said that there may have been even more pandemonium on board as passengers rushed for cover.

	Send this week's I N S I D E R C A R D S or Try the P O P Q U I Z U N I V E R S A L S T A R W A R S. . . Mark, all this retaliation is admirable, but why bother? All it’s gonna get you is wound up and ready to perform in a well thought out industry circus. The Evil Caped Kennedy might be slimy but he’s not stupid. Ever since Rog jumped ship things have been afoot, or more likely things were afoot before his departure and it was only a matter of time before that Strainge thing got his tongue well and truly embedded. Let’s face it, Lucy has never been that bright and any good ideas he’s been associated with have come from dubious sources. As far as the Kennedy camp is concerned a puppet is far preferable to a living doll. Long gone are the good old days where RC owners cared about their team or artists. Cross Chris predicted the change, jumped ship leaving a few survivors to fight the cause, but as you know ideals get diluted along the way. There are others out there looking for talent to fill the void, especially with the internet and new media growing at such a rate, so don’t worry about a thing 'cos every little thing is gonna be alright. Shadow		------------------------- Mad fools OK, Shania Twain – sincere new musical genius, or over-hyped muppet with bad hair? Whilst the jury is still out, the public have voted with her ‘Come on Over’ album winning it’s 7th platinum award. ------------------------- 999 Whilst mechanical problems beleaguered London’s Millennium Big Wheel, the EMI Ferris wheel is turning at a spanking pace. Whether or not teen-sensation ‘911’ will need 999 as they are hurled from the top remains to be seen. ------------------------- Bread head The price-slashing wars continue apace with UK supermarkets battling it out to undercut CD prices in their stores. We look forward to the day when buying a loaf will also bag you a Top 10 album. ------------------------- In a pickle Dicky Pickle is now playing with bees it was reported recently. S&M – that’s Sound & Media to you – has taken over Beehive International in a move that apparently "harps back to [Mr pickle’s] policy" of world domination in every conceivable market. Well that’s nice then. ------------------------- Up the Cole Glad to see that Man Utd’s Andy Cole has given up his musical career. Apparently his last single had been shaping up quite nicely. However, after dribbling into the top 100, the single was hoofed miles wide of the target. ------------------------- Macy Gray My dear James who are you trying to fool with that red Rose stuck up your ass??? You’ve been lucky this time, but don’t believe the hype and remember those pats can soon feel like stabs when the madness settles. The thing about Gray days is no one wants them around forever - bring back the sun…. Meanwhile, well done love. Enjoy it whilst it lasts and please don’t take offence Macy we like it. That’s just ‘How Life Is’ ------------------------- Geri 4 Chris I read with heart felt sorrow that Geri Halliwell has been forced to pull out of her first T.V special because she is still heart broken after Chrissy Evans dumped her. Well sand my deck chair and call me ‘Augusta’ if this friggin’ old ginger monkey isn’t still banging on about this sad publicity stunt of a relationship. Hello, Geri. You got your number one. Can’t you leave us all alone now? Can’t you stop planting horrid visions of you and Mr Tangerine nuts having it off? Obviously not. Not until your limp dick of an album starts climbing up the Christmas charts again. ------------------------- Pap A1 ‘s album is in the charts. It’s called "Here we come". It’s now more a case of ‘Here we come…and there we go’ isn’t it lads? ------------------------- What’s the matter Foo The Foo Fighters new album is called "Nothing Left to Lose". You’re right lads. You’ve lost you’re record sales, your post grunge appeal, and by the sound of this new offering any small amount of musical talent you ever may have had. ------------------------- By George was that Glitter. Boy George was nearly killed by a huge glitter ball this week. No, it’s not funny. It’s not funny, because he was ‘nearly’ killed. Not ‘definitely’. -------------------------
	T A K E T H A T . . . Down and out as expected is poor old Gary Barlow. Seriously shafted by RCA in favour of Westlife and Five, he’s out in the cold this Christmas - and it just goes to show that if your bag of bits don’t match up to the new kids you’re fucked. Things looked good for a while after Take That split, with a couple of singles and a sad, but reasonably successful first album. "Twelve Months Eleven Days" put a stop to all that hope and dumped all over the face of RCA. The big question now is will anybody pick up the Barlow option and if so why? Retro
	P U B B A N D O N T H E R U N . . . Dear, oh dear. Last week I cried all the way home. I had, in all fairness, been rather harsh to a very rich and defenceless old man. I went off on one. Perhaps Paul McCartney wasn’t really that bad on Parkinson. Maybe he (or even you my avid readers) really ain’t too bothered about me and my yawnful drivel. So I was willing to give ‘old puppy dog eyes’ another chance. It’s Christmas - a time when Santa does tireless work on behalf of the world’s toy industry, and everyone pretends to like one another. This was all before I saw old ‘Macca‘ and his ‘dads army’ playing back down the Cavern. His backing band has David Gilmour on lead guitar. Obviously Pink Floyd records aren’t selling so well, or all that LSD has finally tripped him out so much that he thinks he’s playing with a geriatric weasel with a blue rinse (which isn’t that far from the truth). I take nothing back from what I said last week. Please, please Paul stop this now, you old leather sofa.
	R . I . P . . . I know this ‘joke’ is wearing thin, but I must update you on me and my Britney doll. As you know last week she lost a breast in a close call accident, but by luck I found a grape to use as an implant and all was well again. However, this week all is not well… It is my sad duty to report that my Britney has tragically passed away. Whilst out on a date - swimming with her at the local indoor pool, I took my eyes off her for just one moment, and her grape got swept away by a strange under current coming from Fatty McGregor’s swimming trunks. As her grape dislodged and slowly floated away, she began to fill with water and went down within a matter of seconds. I tried mouth to mouth but to no avail. To save time, and the emotional trauma of a long and drawn out ceremony, I just lobbed her over the wall of a car park on the way home. Britney is gone, but not forgotten. Dib Dib
	W I T H W I N G S . . . Just when I thought that ‘boy bands’ were on the way out, and that a massive skiffle-craze was about to rip right through the heart of pre-pubescent school girls, along come those five singing car mechanics ‘West Life’. About as harmless as a pillow fight with a dead pigeon, they set the charts alight last month with their massive hit "Flying Without Wings". Now the latest offering is another bucket of wet snow. "I Have a Dream / Seasons in the Sun" is at No1. As much as we’re happy to see Cliff justly crucified here’s an idea lads. The next time you’re in the Dover area, take a long walk along those famous cliffs and try a hop, skip and a jump to see if you really can ‘Fly Without Wings’, you cheeky tampons.
	G O D I S G O O D . . . ...but not that good. Sorry Cliff but not even the Big G can help you now. Let this be a lesson to you - "You can’t get better than a Kwik Fit Fitter"
	R E V E L A T I O N . . . What a revelation. Fuck-of-the-month goes to Oasis or at least the new record company they set up - (SONY???) The new album "Standing on the Shoulders of Giants" or "Pissing on the Heads of Sony" is out on the US streets two months before the official release date. Those evil pirates of shame got there first and you can get it on any street corner. Who’s behind this major whoops and was it intentional? We all know how Oasis need to break the States in a desperate attempt to survive a dwindling fan base in the UK, so what better way to get publicity and support from doppy Americans, than to let them think they’re getting an exclusive / underground preview of the latest offering of these Brit Pop has beens. In the US, Sony big wigs are melting with embarrassment as they try to explain this fortuitous accident. One can only guess where the bootlegger’s millions will go. Come back Alan we forgive you.
	W H O'S C O O K I N G W I T H F L O Y D . . . Pink Floyd have recently been describing how they made their ‘classic’ album, "The Wall". The old dears reeled off fascinating (yawn) after fascinating (yawn) fact about their pompous, middle class, art teacher, up it’s arse, clever clog, rock shite. Isn’t it a shame that these old donkeys are now fighting over their musical drivel. Maybe if they’d been this uptight and bitter when they were recording their ‘wall of piss’ it may have had more musical punch. Instead, it was about as inspiring and interesting as a coach journey around Colchester on a rainy November morning. Why don’t you shut up and leave us all alone you boring old drugged up gypsies.
	H A M S T E R D A N C E . . . For anyone out there who wants to do the ‘Hamster dance’ but can’t afford the single, here’s a cheaper way to join in this ‘dance craze’ that’s sweeping the nation. 1. Get four young Hamsters. 2. Feed them 2 teaspoons of pure liquid ecstasy each. 3. Put a Pet shop Boys album on. (This will really put the wind up the little fellas) 4. Dowse their tails in brandy and light with a naked flame. 5. Sit back and wait for the all new hamster dance to ‘explode’ into life. Tabby
	S I N K I N G F E E L I N G . . . Talking of crap granny muzak, I’m glad to see there’s no Jane MacDonald record out this Christmas. Had she and her fog horn voice been performing on board the Titanic that fateful night lives would have been saved. For as soon as she opened her big trap the ship’s Captain would have instantly turned the ship back to port to unload all heavy and superfluous cargo. Having said that there may have been even more pandemonium on board as passengers rushed for cover.