:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Updated weekly on Wednesday and Friday.
Issue 2 - Updated:17.12.99.

I N S I D E R C A R D S

C H U R CH G O E R . . .
Well rub my nuts and call me ‘Nobby’, if that ain’t Mrs Fussy’s favourite little ‘angel’ Charlotte Church sat at the top of the Classical Christmas tree this week.
"Ah, ain’t she sweet Bob? What a golden voice she’s got. Ahhh. Shall we have lamb or mince tonight?"

Every thick Des O’Connor fan has bought this lame duck.

In her interviews she comes across as ‘Mary Poppins’. Can’t do anything wrong can you my little Yorkshire terrier?

Well Charlotte, the fancy dress party last Tuesday night down the Lamb and Lion revealed more of your hidden talents. Nice costume, but your conduct was far from ‘perfect ’… After downing nine Bloody Marys and four triple vodkas, you walked up to the mike and gave a rousing rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter’.

If that wasn’t enough you then stripped off to a Maxi Priest record, and….well, I’m not going into exact details, but you managed to fill four pint glasses from where you were standing.

Don’t worry ‘Charlie’ no-one reads my column anyway so your housewife market is quite safe from these horrific revelations. Lets just make a deal. If you shut up I will too.

Waz

-------------------------

Gonads
Those art students Gomez are looking pleased with themselves again in this month’s Boring Bastards Monthly.

Asked if the band had had a good year, lead singer Ian Ball pipes up with

"Definitely. We’re only now just beginning to get our breath back, and best of all, people have finally stopped trying to describe what we’re doing".

Yes Ian…that’s because we’ve all agreed it’s shite.

-------------------------

Badger Toss
Still selling about as well as a Bernard Manning video on Brixton High St. is ‘Love and the Russian Winter’, the latest album by Simply Red.

This album is another hot serving of badger’s toss. If the album keeps bombing like this Mick, it’s gonna be more like ‘Love and the Bournemouth Summer’ for you ginger nuts.

-------------------------

Twhitney
Whitney Houston’s latest single is at 26 in the charts this week. It’s called ‘I Learned from the Best‘.

I think she must be talking about shelf fitting, because on musical evidence alone it sounds like she was hoodwinked by some busker in the business who is clearly far from the ‘best’.

-------------------------

Same old shit
Sting’s new album is called " Brand new Day". How about " Brand New Day, Same Old Shit.

-------------------------

H = ???
Yes it has been confirmed by the rest of the sheep that H is short for Hass Hole

-------------------------

George v Cliff
George wantsto know who the fuck Cliff thinks he is and why whilst being a self confesed christian it's OK to exploit the inocent followers of faith.

-------------------------

Down and outs !
Shed Seven get shafted by Polydor + London spit on the Bunnymen. RCA dump all over Mark Owen and Woolworth’s won’t flog the dead horse who is Gary Barlow.

-------------------------

Go Zo Go
Zoë Ball dreams of becoming a grow bag and then a teacher.

-------------------------

Wet Dream
The others in Wet Wet Wet get a bad taste of Mercury poisoning when their label squeeze them out in favour of a Marti Pellow solo deal. Drip Drip Drip go the tears.

-------------------------

In Orbit
Willy Orbit has thrown in the soggy dance towel in favour of the classics. Not ../content with enforcing his 80s disco influences on the likes of Madonna and Blur he now ventures further into the ridiculous by bastardising the works of Beethoven and Vivaldi with "Pieces in a modern style" . Next up is yet another new Madonna album which he’s only doing to fund his own dance album release. One wonders what it will be without any real talent involved.

-------------------------

S P A C E D . . .
As predicted the intergalactic battle for the Universe continues as Luci Strange gets a boost up the corporate space ladder by Cape Kennedy. Others adrift on the once confident but now lonely space Island and those resident on the Mercury space base are understandably pissed. They have no other choice than to keep paddling , or put out a flare for other passing ships, of which I am told are in no short supply. If your Aims are straight the targets will respond.

Shadow

M O R E P L A S T I C . . .?

Britaid Another week another tragedy. No, I’m not talking about Paul McCartney finally burying his legacy on Parkinson, but something that happened to me and my Britney Spears ‘doll’ last Friday night.
Whilst roasting my nuts by the fire in my French chateau’ ( which is situated just past the "Little Chef" in Camden ) Britney’s left breast burst, splattering me in hot melting plastic.

I cried…and I think she did too. Well, it was the bigger of the two. However, whilst searching my ‘pad’ high and low, I managed to find a grape that fitted perfectly.
It looks odd, especially when it starts seeping in cold weather, but with some blue
tac and a small rasher of bacon you can’t tell the difference. Especially from behind.

Dib Dib

N E T A I D . . .

Whilst reading ‘Old Man’s Monthly’ as it’s known in the trade, I came across some old pensioner moaning on about the real reasons why last months ‘Net Aid’ gig was such a massive wave of third world sewage. Reasons stated were the fact that the ‘net’ still only has ‘ marginal ’ appeal in Britain, and also the stupid ticket prices. However, I can now reveal the real reasons behind the disaster of ‘ Net Aid ‘ :

Fact 1 : Around 55,000 tickets were sold for the gig. However, most of these were bought by angry British fishermen who thought ‘Net Aid ‘ was a benefit gig for them. Once they realised it was just a load of washed up pop stars trying to flog some more ‘units’ they left, leaving the stadium virtually half full.

Fact 2 : Those who weren’t fishermen were left to watch a load of painfully boring acts like The Corrs and The Stereophonics . These acts were so bland that even watching old episodes of the ‘Antiques Road Show’ in slow motion pissed all over their ‘scare crows in the wind’ impersonations.

Fact 3 : Dave Stewart was playing.

B O Ys O W N C H I L D . . .

Great news has reached me that Stephen from ‘Boyzone’ is looking to adopt a child. The Gay teen star had apparently been ‘trying’ for a child with his partner Eloy for ‘ages’. However, it wasn’t until after the birds and the bees had been pointed out to him that he decided to adopt. Steven joined Boyzone in 1992
after he applied to what he thought was a gay dating agency. It later turned out he had got himself into one of the biggest teen bands in Britain. Stephen is now hoping to adopt a small boy, preferably from Greece, who likes dance music and who has a large bushy moustache.

G E R I . . .

Whilst looking for a copy of ‘ Hunting ,Shooting and Fishing ‘ magazine in WH Smith, I couldn’t help but notice old ‘piggy in the middle’ Geri Halliwell showing us her ‘two boiled eggs and a slot machine’ in this month’s FHM magazine.
Lord, I thought those horror days were over ! Not ../content with showing us her tiny body and huge knee caps, she also gives another waffling self obsessed interview, part of which I am only too happy to translate.

GERI : "The last year has been an emotional journey". (I bought a big house and scummed around with George Michael.)

GERI : ‘"When I left the Spice Girls I thought I’d lose everything." (I actually only lost 6 stone.)

GERI : "I didn’t know how anyone would respond to my music and to me as a solo artist." (No one recognised me without my tits out, and everyone knew I was nothing more than a singing Argos sales rep.)

GERI : "But I believe in hard work." (I turned up to the studio, sang out of tune and left it all in the hands of the producer.)

GERI : "I realised that people weren’t going to accept me over night." (People didn’t accept me until I started showing my melons again.)

E A S Y T A R G E T . . .

I think I’ll stick with Dave Stewart, as his name in French means ‘ easy target ’.

The old ‘Net Aid’ dirge was only moving when I saw old hedge-hog face going through the motions with his trusty side kick Annie ‘ why sing one note when nine will do?‘ Lennox.

They were magical as they sang in vain for a desperate cause (i.e. to sell some copies of their new album "Peace" ). "Peace" is of course Arabic for ‘ Dave Stewart couldn’t make any money doing anything else’ .

And judging by it’s chart showing this week (51) I can only assume that the record buying public have all voted for a little bit of "Peace".

T W A T T W I N S . . .

Mark twats a twat at the Mobo party but had nothing to do with what went on outside.

Warners don’t see it as being a problem, but the police are really pissed at "Home"… London’s newest, biggest and most expensive superclub. The cops have lodged an official objection to the club (host to the party back in October) and it now risks the possibility of losing its’ licence only a few months after opening. Violence and other dodgy goings on are to blame, not you Mark.

Tabby

P A U L . . .

I’ll end with old pub rocker and anal balladeer Paul
‘ Macca ‘ McCartney.

His performance on Parkinson was more pitiful than an audience with Bonnie Langford. For Christ sake Paul you’ve made over £400 million! If only you’d quit in 1970, man you would have been a legend, a genius ! You have now become the ‘Cannon and Ball’ of the British music scene. Your 50’s rock tunes at the beginning of the show were worse than the sound of a pissed up brass band falling down the side of a mountain. If you need some money to retire, me and the lads will have a whip round down the lamb and lion for you. Please, please stop doing this to every Beatles fan in the world. Ever seen your uncle singing at a wedding? I rest my case.

	I N S I D E R C A R D S C H U R CH G O E R . . . Well rub my nuts and call me ‘Nobby’, if that ain’t Mrs Fussy’s favourite little ‘angel’ Charlotte Church sat at the top of the Classical Christmas tree this week. "Ah, ain’t she sweet Bob? What a golden voice she’s got. Ahhh. Shall we have lamb or mince tonight?" Every thick Des O’Connor fan has bought this lame duck. In her interviews she comes across as ‘Mary Poppins’. Can’t do anything wrong can you my little Yorkshire terrier? Well Charlotte, the fancy dress party last Tuesday night down the Lamb and Lion revealed more of your hidden talents. Nice costume, but your conduct was far from ‘perfect ’… After downing nine Bloody Marys and four triple vodkas, you walked up to the mike and gave a rousing rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter’. If that wasn’t enough you then stripped off to a Maxi Priest record, and….well, I’m not going into exact details, but you managed to fill four pint glasses from where you were standing. Don’t worry ‘Charlie’ no-one reads my column anyway so your housewife market is quite safe from these horrific revelations. Lets just make a deal. If you shut up I will too. Waz		------------------------- Gonads Those art students Gomez are looking pleased with themselves again in this month’s Boring Bastards Monthly. Asked if the band had had a good year, lead singer Ian Ball pipes up with "Definitely. We’re only now just beginning to get our breath back, and best of all, people have finally stopped trying to describe what we’re doing". Yes Ian…that’s because we’ve all agreed it’s shite. ------------------------- Badger Toss Still selling about as well as a Bernard Manning video on Brixton High St. is ‘Love and the Russian Winter’, the latest album by Simply Red. This album is another hot serving of badger’s toss. If the album keeps bombing like this Mick, it’s gonna be more like ‘Love and the Bournemouth Summer’ for you ginger nuts. ------------------------- Twhitney Whitney Houston’s latest single is at 26 in the charts this week. It’s called ‘I Learned from the Best‘. I think she must be talking about shelf fitting, because on musical evidence alone it sounds like she was hoodwinked by some busker in the business who is clearly far from the ‘best’. ------------------------- Same old shit Sting’s new album is called " Brand new Day". How about " Brand New Day, Same Old Shit. ------------------------- H = ??? Yes it has been confirmed by the rest of the sheep that H is short for Hass Hole ------------------------- George v Cliff George wantsto know who the fuck Cliff thinks he is and why whilst being a self confesed christian it's OK to exploit the inocent followers of faith. ------------------------- Down and outs ! Shed Seven get shafted by Polydor + London spit on the Bunnymen. RCA dump all over Mark Owen and Woolworth’s won’t flog the dead horse who is Gary Barlow. ------------------------- Go Zo Go Zoë Ball dreams of becoming a grow bag and then a teacher. ------------------------- Wet Dream The others in Wet Wet Wet get a bad taste of Mercury poisoning when their label squeeze them out in favour of a Marti Pellow solo deal. Drip Drip Drip go the tears. ------------------------- In Orbit Willy Orbit has thrown in the soggy dance towel in favour of the classics. Not ../content with enforcing his 80s disco influences on the likes of Madonna and Blur he now ventures further into the ridiculous by bastardising the works of Beethoven and Vivaldi with "Pieces in a modern style" . Next up is yet another new Madonna album which he’s only doing to fund his own dance album release. One wonders what it will be without any real talent involved. -------------------------
	S P A C E D . . . As predicted the intergalactic battle for the Universe continues as Luci Strange gets a boost up the corporate space ladder by Cape Kennedy. Others adrift on the once confident but now lonely space Island and those resident on the Mercury space base are understandably pissed. They have no other choice than to keep paddling , or put out a flare for other passing ships, of which I am told are in no short supply. If your Aims are straight the targets will respond. Shadow
	M O R E P L A S T I C . . .? Another week another tragedy. No, I’m not talking about Paul McCartney finally burying his legacy on Parkinson, but something that happened to me and my Britney Spears ‘doll’ last Friday night. Whilst roasting my nuts by the fire in my French chateau’ ( which is situated just past the "Little Chef" in Camden ) Britney’s left breast burst, splattering me in hot melting plastic. I cried…and I think she did too. Well, it was the bigger of the two. However, whilst searching my ‘pad’ high and low, I managed to find a grape that fitted perfectly. It looks odd, especially when it starts seeping in cold weather, but with some blue tac and a small rasher of bacon you can’t tell the difference. Especially from behind. Dib Dib
	N E T A I D . . . Whilst reading ‘Old Man’s Monthly’ as it’s known in the trade, I came across some old pensioner moaning on about the real reasons why last months ‘Net Aid’ gig was such a massive wave of third world sewage. Reasons stated were the fact that the ‘net’ still only has ‘ marginal ’ appeal in Britain, and also the stupid ticket prices. However, I can now reveal the real reasons behind the disaster of ‘ Net Aid ‘ : Fact 1 : Around 55,000 tickets were sold for the gig. However, most of these were bought by angry British fishermen who thought ‘Net Aid ‘ was a benefit gig for them. Once they realised it was just a load of washed up pop stars trying to flog some more ‘units’ they left, leaving the stadium virtually half full. Fact 2 : Those who weren’t fishermen were left to watch a load of painfully boring acts like The Corrs and The Stereophonics . These acts were so bland that even watching old episodes of the ‘Antiques Road Show’ in slow motion pissed all over their ‘scare crows in the wind’ impersonations. Fact 3 : Dave Stewart was playing.
	B O Ys O W N C H I L D . . . Great news has reached me that Stephen from ‘Boyzone’ is looking to adopt a child. The Gay teen star had apparently been ‘trying’ for a child with his partner Eloy for ‘ages’. However, it wasn’t until after the birds and the bees had been pointed out to him that he decided to adopt. Steven joined Boyzone in 1992 after he applied to what he thought was a gay dating agency. It later turned out he had got himself into one of the biggest teen bands in Britain. Stephen is now hoping to adopt a small boy, preferably from Greece, who likes dance music and who has a large bushy moustache.
	G E R I . . . Whilst looking for a copy of ‘ Hunting ,Shooting and Fishing ‘ magazine in WH Smith, I couldn’t help but notice old ‘piggy in the middle’ Geri Halliwell showing us her ‘two boiled eggs and a slot machine’ in this month’s FHM magazine. Lord, I thought those horror days were over ! Not ../content with showing us her tiny body and huge knee caps, she also gives another waffling self obsessed interview, part of which I am only too happy to translate. GERI : "The last year has been an emotional journey". (I bought a big house and scummed around with George Michael.) GERI : ‘"When I left the Spice Girls I thought I’d lose everything." (I actually only lost 6 stone.) GERI : "I didn’t know how anyone would respond to my music and to me as a solo artist." (No one recognised me without my tits out, and everyone knew I was nothing more than a singing Argos sales rep.) GERI : "But I believe in hard work." (I turned up to the studio, sang out of tune and left it all in the hands of the producer.) GERI : "I realised that people weren’t going to accept me over night." (People didn’t accept me until I started showing my melons again.)
	E A S Y T A R G E T . . . I think I’ll stick with Dave Stewart, as his name in French means ‘ easy target ’. The old ‘Net Aid’ dirge was only moving when I saw old hedge-hog face going through the motions with his trusty side kick Annie ‘ why sing one note when nine will do?‘ Lennox. They were magical as they sang in vain for a desperate cause (i.e. to sell some copies of their new album "Peace" ). "Peace" is of course Arabic for ‘ Dave Stewart couldn’t make any money doing anything else’ . And judging by it’s chart showing this week (51) I can only assume that the record buying public have all voted for a little bit of "Peace".
	T W A T T W I N S . . . Mark twats a twat at the Mobo party but had nothing to do with what went on outside. Warners don’t see it as being a problem, but the police are really pissed at "Home"… London’s newest, biggest and most expensive superclub. The cops have lodged an official objection to the club (host to the party back in October) and it now risks the possibility of losing its’ licence only a few months after opening. Violence and other dodgy goings on are to blame, not you Mark. Tabby
	P A U L . . . I’ll end with old pub rocker and anal balladeer Paul ‘ Macca ‘ McCartney. His performance on Parkinson was more pitiful than an audience with Bonnie Langford. For Christ sake Paul you’ve made over £400 million! If only you’d quit in 1970, man you would have been a legend, a genius ! You have now become the ‘Cannon and Ball’ of the British music scene. Your 50’s rock tunes at the beginning of the show were worse than the sound of a pissed up brass band falling down the side of a mountain. If you need some money to retire, me and the lads will have a whip round down the lamb and lion for you. Please, please stop doing this to every Beatles fan in the world. Ever seen your uncle singing at a wedding? I rest my case.