:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Next Update Fri 21st Jan 2000 JAN 2000
Issue 5 - Updated:14.1.2000

Send an I N S I D E R C A R D or Try the P O P Q U I Z

C H U R C H G O E R O N S P E E D. . .
Our loveable little church goer is revving things up in an attempt
to shake off her saintly image and take the dance scene by storm.
She has enlisted the suspect talents of Mark Grant to remix her
new single 'Just wave hello' to a stomping 137 bpm dance
floor anthem.

Club goers won’t know what’s hit them when this ungodly deception
takes hold. When they find out who they’ve been duped by they’re
gonna die of embarrassment and subsequently the whole dance
scene will collapse.

Our suggestion is self respecting DJs stay on your toes, keep you ears tuned in and if you spot this destructive virus don’t go near it.
With any luck it will never see the light of day, It’s up to you.
-------------------------

Dave & Annie
Eurythmics have a new single out called ‘17 Again’.

The title is taken from the reply their manager gives them when Dave and Annie ask how many copies their album ‘Peace’ has sold this month.

-------------------------

Donkey dick
New teenage ‘heart throb’ Shane Filan from boy band WestLife, has spoken this week about his love for horses. ‘’They never tell you that you’re wrong".

I’m sure they don’t Shane, because horses can’t actually speak you thick
donkey! However, this morning I played your latest chart topper to my horse Dobbin. He too didn’t ‘say’ much, he just sprayed the farm yard with horse shit, which spoke volumes. I couldn’t have put it any better myself.

-------------------------

Genecide
Flying as high as a one armed hand-glider in the Album charts, are Genesis whose Greatest Hits album is called ‘Turn It On Again’.

What do you mean ‘Again’? I wouldn’t turn this album ‘on’ even if I was kidnapped and held in a Lebanese prison, where it was the only thing to play very loud in order to raise the alarm. Any band that needs to call for the vocal services of an ex Stiltskin member deserves to rot in hell. Hope you all slip and fall into your indoor swimming pools.

-------------------------

Kavana
Can’t wait to hear the new album from a man so talented he needs no introduction, but he’ll get one anyway. It’s good old ‘Kavana’ currently resting in the same position Adam Rickitt will soon find himself in.

I’ve heard old Kav is currently ‘busy’ in the studio. I popped into the studio last week to see him and he was up to his eyes in it. All I could hear was ‘Mine’s the yellow cup, and remember Terry has milk and two sugars and Steve has none’.

Hope to see you soon my darling.

-------------------------

Gabby
Gabrielle releases her come back single ‘Rise’ this month.

After hearing this sack of crap, I’m pretty sure the only way this song has any chance of ‘Rising’ up the charts is if it is propelled from the barrel of a nuclear weapon launch cannon. Forget the ‘come back’ love, it’s the ‘going away’ bit you haven’t quite mastered.

-------------------------

Never theTwain
Shania Twain’s last single was called ‘Man! I feel like a woman’.

I know how you feel love. It’s just a shame that although you ‘feel like a Woman’….you look like a ‘Man’.

-------------------------

Hush up
Texas have done very well with their album ‘The Hush’.

Whilst ‘out and about ‘on New Years eve I tested out the album to see what kind of reaction it would get at some kickin’ parties.

As I cycled through the back streets of Brixton on Millennium night, I managed to gate crash a massive street party that was alive with the ‘Sounds of Africa’. Just as Big Ben chimed those Bells of hope, I slipped the album on the stereo. Jesus Christ ! I was amazed, because no sooner had I pressed the ‘play’ button I was greeted by a sound that I can only describe as ‘Hush’. This was shortly followed by the sound of gun fire, and some of the fastest peddling since the 1984 Olympic games.

-------------------------

M E L & J I M M Y G . . .
Isn’t it sad that Mel G and Jimmy G have split. It’s even harder when you remember there’s a spoilt child involved who needs constant attention and love.

I’m sure you’ll be fine though Mel. Just keep well away from male dancers next time. They tend to ‘bend over backwards’ for you in the beginning, but as the love affair comes to an end you soon find them leading you on a ‘merry dance’ to the divorce courts. Once there they’re very good at doing a new dance craze called ‘The Shaft’.

Don’t worry, he’ll be on his way back to Amsterdam soon, having a gay old time and selling his story for even more money on the dance floors. I’m sure you misunderstood him when on your wedding night he whispered into your ear how much he’d love to ‘screw you for all you’re worth’.

B A N G E R S O U T . . .
Selling as well as mineral water at a Somerset Beer festival, is the latest Mariah Carey album ‘Rainbow’.

Isn’t it a shame that after a decade of being top dog, your career now seems to be ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow.’ Here’s a new idea. Get your bangers out, and get in a high profile relationship (Puff Daddy is available again, but watch out he tends to shoot from the hip). Come on! It worked for Geri, and it can work for you. We’ll soon have you ‘pumping up the charts’.

S A I N T L Y - V I D . . .
Set your videos lads, because just when you’ve had to put up with some of the most limp wristed pop vids in recent history (Geri Halliwell, looking like Wurzle Gummage in a Bikini !) those hotter than hot ‘birds of paradise’ All Saints have just finished recording their new video to their single ‘Pure Shores’.

These wonderfully gifted musicians of soul could have picked any beach in the world to roll around on, but due to the piss poor ticket sales for their tour last year they had to make do with some sewage drenched pit in Norfolk.

Still the thought of Nat rolling around in oil and dead sea birds should be enough to bring most male kettles to the boil. A piece of advise lads……watch it with the sound off and the lights down low.

D O L L S . . .
First Britney Spears, and now those forgotten heroes of pop ‘Hanson’ have this week released their own plastic dolls. However, retailers have been warned not to expect a long shelf life.

After a couple of months of shoppers going "Ahhhhh’ they’re so sweet" they will soon be bellowing "Christ, they’re annoying" shortly followed by "God look they’re so cheap, and look who else is here Shaz, a Gary Barlow Doll, and no, it can’t be…..Brian Harvey".

Yes, the fickle world of plastic dolls walks hand in hand with that of pop. Watch out for the Back Street Boys who will be appearing in a bargain basement bin near you soon.

G L I T T E R B A L L . . .
Well, well if that ain’t old ‘Uncle Fester’ Gary Glitter coming over all remorseful, whilst walking free from prison. "I’ve served my time. I just want to get on with my life." I bet you do Gary. You’ve probably missed loads of hot stuff on the internet since you’ve been banged up, you dirty little man.

Now you’re free Gary, a couple of handy tips…

‘Child Line’ is for children who are going through a crisis, NOT a mail order service.

And a ‘Boy Racer’ is a Trev bombing round a bus station, not a boy dressed in racing gear who likes feeling ‘racy’.

Now clear off…..and may the engines on your private jet pack up somewhere over the north sea.

S C L U B 7 . . .
Remember the little red haired pop cutie Cathy Dennis in the early 90s? You know the one hit wonder with 'Touch Me (all night long)'. Well she’s the one responsible for writing the S Club 7 hit 'Two in a Million' . We inform you of this for one reason only - when judgement day comes all collaborators of this shameful excuse of a pop act should be know, so they can be dealt with accordingly.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be an S Club 7 fan don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Like the band you will go unpunished as innocent victims of the Fuller conspiracy which makes the sad and lonely totally unaware of what they are doing.

S E R I O U S N O T E S . . .
Mark Marot fails to return to his desk at Island after his fall out with Universal over their appointment of Lucy Strainge as deputy chairman of the UK record company.

Normally at this point we would take the piss, but this is serious business and we wouldn’t want to make light of the situation. Mr M has at best always tried to retain the old school respect to Artists and what they bring to the corporate monsters they serve.

Anyone who follows the music industry will know that big things don’t happen over night and real talent needs to be nurtured over a long period with lots of commitment to a genuine vision.

The main stream pop industry is created from a constant supply of one hit wonders punctuated by the real long term talent. The latter A: helps pay for the tat, B: funds new ideas and C: makes a few people very rich.

What happens when the industry successfully removes everyone with integrity and understanding to what makes music good? The whole fucking thing will disappear so far up the corporate ass that the UK music scene will merge into a slush of Eurotrash and loose any respect it has established over the past 50 years. I feel a rant coming on.

A L B U M R E V I E W S . . .
This looks like it could be a massive year for Big Band album releases. In the first half of the year we will see albums from those old duffers Primal Scream, Paul Weller & Oasis followed later by U2 and Radiohead.

You’re probably all wetting your pants wondering how these masterpieces are going to sound. Well, I’ve done some crafty spy work involving some old rope and a pair of rusty pliers, and I can now give you a quick ‘sneak‘ preview of these big albums.

Primal Scream
Same old dance/rock as before with a dash of rub a dub dub and the predictable ‘I’m smacked out of my brains’ vocals….when really Bobby’s stuck in an air conditioned room in some posh countryside studio.
Working titles : ‘Flogging a Dead horse’ or ‘Crock of Shit’

Paul Weller
Paul loves the element of surprise, because just when you think he’s going to come back with some ‘New’ direction, he surprises you by sounding as if he’s still stuck in 1968. Amazing. The album even features guitars and drums.
Working Titles : ‘Songs From The Last Century (60-69)’ or ‘Songs From The Last Album (in a different key)’

Oasis
Oasis will storm the album charts with a new sound. That’s because they
now sound like the Beatles during their ‘experimental’ years, which means taking the art of recording further by using new recording techniques such as backwards guitars and drum loops. The band show a more sensitive side, especially on the haunting ballad ‘Fucking in the Bushes’.
Working Title : ‘Who needs Mr McGee?’

U2
After looking like four boring uncles who turned up in London during Gay Pride, U2 move away from the massive disappointment of Pop, with a less ‘yeah, we like dance music kids’ direction.

They return to what they do best - middle of the road Rock n’ Roll shite with a touch of ‘irony’. Bono still bangs on about world debt, whilst counting gold coins in a massive mock Tudor mansion. It’s great to have you back lads.
Working Titles : ‘Heard it all Before’ and ‘We’ve Reinvented Ourselves. We’re now a boring old bland rock band who aren’t as Popular as we Once Were’
How Ironic.

Radiohead
After millions of sales and critical acclaim, you’d think these miserable underground artists would release an album that’s akin to ‘The Sound Of Music’. No chance. Even if they won 30 million on the lottery and accidentally walked in on an under 18 girls hockey team whilst they were enjoying a massive orgy in a bath full of goats milk, these ‘students’ would still sound like death warmed up.
Working Titles : ‘Up our Arseholes’ or ‘Moan, Moan, Moan.’

L O N D O N'S B U R N I N G . . .
It seems the London Records situation has been partly resolved and as expected they will now become bed partners with the ever growing Warners. The major outstanding issue is will the label retain its independent status or will it become a Warner imprint? And if so what happens to the existing chain of command and projects under development? All this will no doubt become clear over the coming weeks, but don’t be surprised to see yet another independent executive join the queue at the local entrepreneurs job centre.

P O S H R A T S . . .
Not content with doing a very good impression of a wannabe pop star who can’t sing, and someone who has as much charm as a bag full of polystyrene, Posh Spice has now turned her talents to interviewing. Whilst dominating the attention of the camera lens, Posh interviewed some of the biggest names in showbiz :
Elton John, Richard E Grant ….and Vinnie Jones.

However, half the British viewing public must have thought they were watching a ‘Wild life On One’ special about the life of the river rat. Oh how we all laughed as she went on about not being anorexic, even though she looked like an overdone ‘Pepperami’ sausage. Poor thing.

P.S. tell David to stop dressing like he’s all street wise, because he’s not. If he was offered the chance to ‘chase the dragon’, he’d refuse because he’s ‘not into cruelty to animals’... no mice suffered during the photo shoot.

© Copyright 2000
Insiders

	Send an I N S I D E R C A R D or Try the P O P Q U I Z C H U R C H G O E R O N S P E E D. . . Our loveable little church goer is revving things up in an attempt to shake off her saintly image and take the dance scene by storm. She has enlisted the suspect talents of Mark Grant to remix her new single 'Just wave hello' to a stomping 137 bpm dance floor anthem. Club goers won’t know what’s hit them when this ungodly deception takes hold. When they find out who they’ve been duped by they’re gonna die of embarrassment and subsequently the whole dance scene will collapse. Our suggestion is self respecting DJs stay on your toes, keep you ears tuned in and if you spot this destructive virus don’t go near it. With any luck it will never see the light of day, It’s up to you.	------------------------- Dave & Annie Eurythmics have a new single out called ‘17 Again’. The title is taken from the reply their manager gives them when Dave and Annie ask how many copies their album ‘Peace’ has sold this month. ------------------------- Donkey dick New teenage ‘heart throb’ Shane Filan from boy band WestLife, has spoken this week about his love for horses. ‘’They never tell you that you’re wrong". I’m sure they don’t Shane, because horses can’t actually speak you thick donkey! However, this morning I played your latest chart topper to my horse Dobbin. He too didn’t ‘say’ much, he just sprayed the farm yard with horse shit, which spoke volumes. I couldn’t have put it any better myself. ------------------------- Genecide Flying as high as a one armed hand-glider in the Album charts, are Genesis whose Greatest Hits album is called ‘Turn It On Again’. What do you mean ‘Again’? I wouldn’t turn this album ‘on’ even if I was kidnapped and held in a Lebanese prison, where it was the only thing to play very loud in order to raise the alarm. Any band that needs to call for the vocal services of an ex Stiltskin member deserves to rot in hell. Hope you all slip and fall into your indoor swimming pools. ------------------------- Kavana Can’t wait to hear the new album from a man so talented he needs no introduction, but he’ll get one anyway. It’s good old ‘Kavana’ currently resting in the same position Adam Rickitt will soon find himself in. I’ve heard old Kav is currently ‘busy’ in the studio. I popped into the studio last week to see him and he was up to his eyes in it. All I could hear was ‘Mine’s the yellow cup, and remember Terry has milk and two sugars and Steve has none’. Hope to see you soon my darling. ------------------------- Gabby Gabrielle releases her come back single ‘Rise’ this month. After hearing this sack of crap, I’m pretty sure the only way this song has any chance of ‘Rising’ up the charts is if it is propelled from the barrel of a nuclear weapon launch cannon. Forget the ‘come back’ love, it’s the ‘going away’ bit you haven’t quite mastered. ------------------------- Never theTwain Shania Twain’s last single was called ‘Man! I feel like a woman’. I know how you feel love. It’s just a shame that although you ‘feel like a Woman’….you look like a ‘Man’. ------------------------- Hush up Texas have done very well with their album ‘The Hush’. Whilst ‘out and about ‘on New Years eve I tested out the album to see what kind of reaction it would get at some kickin’ parties. As I cycled through the back streets of Brixton on Millennium night, I managed to gate crash a massive street party that was alive with the ‘Sounds of Africa’. Just as Big Ben chimed those Bells of hope, I slipped the album on the stereo. Jesus Christ ! I was amazed, because no sooner had I pressed the ‘play’ button I was greeted by a sound that I can only describe as ‘Hush’. This was shortly followed by the sound of gun fire, and some of the fastest peddling since the 1984 Olympic games. -------------------------
	M E L & J I M M Y G . . . Isn’t it sad that Mel G and Jimmy G have split. It’s even harder when you remember there’s a spoilt child involved who needs constant attention and love. I’m sure you’ll be fine though Mel. Just keep well away from male dancers next time. They tend to ‘bend over backwards’ for you in the beginning, but as the love affair comes to an end you soon find them leading you on a ‘merry dance’ to the divorce courts. Once there they’re very good at doing a new dance craze called ‘The Shaft’. Don’t worry, he’ll be on his way back to Amsterdam soon, having a gay old time and selling his story for even more money on the dance floors. I’m sure you misunderstood him when on your wedding night he whispered into your ear how much he’d love to ‘screw you for all you’re worth’.
	B A N G E R S O U T . . . Selling as well as mineral water at a Somerset Beer festival, is the latest Mariah Carey album ‘Rainbow’. Isn’t it a shame that after a decade of being top dog, your career now seems to be ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow.’ Here’s a new idea. Get your bangers out, and get in a high profile relationship (Puff Daddy is available again, but watch out he tends to shoot from the hip). Come on! It worked for Geri, and it can work for you. We’ll soon have you ‘pumping up the charts’.
	S A I N T L Y - V I D . . . Set your videos lads, because just when you’ve had to put up with some of the most limp wristed pop vids in recent history (Geri Halliwell, looking like Wurzle Gummage in a Bikini !) those hotter than hot ‘birds of paradise’ All Saints have just finished recording their new video to their single ‘Pure Shores’. These wonderfully gifted musicians of soul could have picked any beach in the world to roll around on, but due to the piss poor ticket sales for their tour last year they had to make do with some sewage drenched pit in Norfolk. Still the thought of Nat rolling around in oil and dead sea birds should be enough to bring most male kettles to the boil. A piece of advise lads……watch it with the sound off and the lights down low.
	D O L L S . . . First Britney Spears, and now those forgotten heroes of pop ‘Hanson’ have this week released their own plastic dolls. However, retailers have been warned not to expect a long shelf life. After a couple of months of shoppers going "Ahhhhh’ they’re so sweet" they will soon be bellowing "Christ, they’re annoying" shortly followed by "God look they’re so cheap, and look who else is here Shaz, a Gary Barlow Doll, and no, it can’t be…..Brian Harvey". Yes, the fickle world of plastic dolls walks hand in hand with that of pop. Watch out for the Back Street Boys who will be appearing in a bargain basement bin near you soon.
	G L I T T E R B A L L . . . Well, well if that ain’t old ‘Uncle Fester’ Gary Glitter coming over all remorseful, whilst walking free from prison. "I’ve served my time. I just want to get on with my life." I bet you do Gary. You’ve probably missed loads of hot stuff on the internet since you’ve been banged up, you dirty little man. Now you’re free Gary, a couple of handy tips… ‘Child Line’ is for children who are going through a crisis, NOT a mail order service. And a ‘Boy Racer’ is a Trev bombing round a bus station, not a boy dressed in racing gear who likes feeling ‘racy’. Now clear off…..and may the engines on your private jet pack up somewhere over the north sea.
	S C L U B 7 . . . Remember the little red haired pop cutie Cathy Dennis in the early 90s? You know the one hit wonder with 'Touch Me (all night long)'. Well she’s the one responsible for writing the S Club 7 hit 'Two in a Million' . We inform you of this for one reason only - when judgement day comes all collaborators of this shameful excuse of a pop act should be know, so they can be dealt with accordingly. If you’re unfortunate enough to be an S Club 7 fan don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Like the band you will go unpunished as innocent victims of the Fuller conspiracy which makes the sad and lonely totally unaware of what they are doing.
	S E R I O U S N O T E S . . . Mark Marot fails to return to his desk at Island after his fall out with Universal over their appointment of Lucy Strainge as deputy chairman of the UK record company. Normally at this point we would take the piss, but this is serious business and we wouldn’t want to make light of the situation. Mr M has at best always tried to retain the old school respect to Artists and what they bring to the corporate monsters they serve. Anyone who follows the music industry will know that big things don’t happen over night and real talent needs to be nurtured over a long period with lots of commitment to a genuine vision. The main stream pop industry is created from a constant supply of one hit wonders punctuated by the real long term talent. The latter A: helps pay for the tat, B: funds new ideas and C: makes a few people very rich. What happens when the industry successfully removes everyone with integrity and understanding to what makes music good? The whole fucking thing will disappear so far up the corporate ass that the UK music scene will merge into a slush of Eurotrash and loose any respect it has established over the past 50 years. I feel a rant coming on.
	A L B U M R E V I E W S . . . This looks like it could be a massive year for Big Band album releases. In the first half of the year we will see albums from those old duffers Primal Scream, Paul Weller & Oasis followed later by U2 and Radiohead. You’re probably all wetting your pants wondering how these masterpieces are going to sound. Well, I’ve done some crafty spy work involving some old rope and a pair of rusty pliers, and I can now give you a quick ‘sneak‘ preview of these big albums. Primal Scream Same old dance/rock as before with a dash of rub a dub dub and the predictable ‘I’m smacked out of my brains’ vocals….when really Bobby’s stuck in an air conditioned room in some posh countryside studio. Working titles : ‘Flogging a Dead horse’ or ‘Crock of Shit’ Paul Weller Paul loves the element of surprise, because just when you think he’s going to come back with some ‘New’ direction, he surprises you by sounding as if he’s still stuck in 1968. Amazing. The album even features guitars and drums. Working Titles : ‘Songs From The Last Century (60-69)’ or ‘Songs From The Last Album (in a different key)’ Oasis Oasis will storm the album charts with a new sound. That’s because they now sound like the Beatles during their ‘experimental’ years, which means taking the art of recording further by using new recording techniques such as backwards guitars and drum loops. The band show a more sensitive side, especially on the haunting ballad ‘Fucking in the Bushes’. Working Title : ‘Who needs Mr McGee?’ U2 After looking like four boring uncles who turned up in London during Gay Pride, U2 move away from the massive disappointment of Pop, with a less ‘yeah, we like dance music kids’ direction. They return to what they do best - middle of the road Rock n’ Roll shite with a touch of ‘irony’. Bono still bangs on about world debt, whilst counting gold coins in a massive mock Tudor mansion. It’s great to have you back lads. Working Titles : ‘Heard it all Before’ and ‘We’ve Reinvented Ourselves. We’re now a boring old bland rock band who aren’t as Popular as we Once Were’ How Ironic. Radiohead After millions of sales and critical acclaim, you’d think these miserable underground artists would release an album that’s akin to ‘The Sound Of Music’. No chance. Even if they won 30 million on the lottery and accidentally walked in on an under 18 girls hockey team whilst they were enjoying a massive orgy in a bath full of goats milk, these ‘students’ would still sound like death warmed up. Working Titles : ‘Up our Arseholes’ or ‘Moan, Moan, Moan.’
	L O N D O N'S B U R N I N G . . . It seems the London Records situation has been partly resolved and as expected they will now become bed partners with the ever growing Warners. The major outstanding issue is will the label retain its independent status or will it become a Warner imprint? And if so what happens to the existing chain of command and projects under development? All this will no doubt become clear over the coming weeks, but don’t be surprised to see yet another independent executive join the queue at the local entrepreneurs job centre.
	P O S H R A T S . . . Not content with doing a very good impression of a wannabe pop star who can’t sing, and someone who has as much charm as a bag full of polystyrene, Posh Spice has now turned her talents to interviewing. Whilst dominating the attention of the camera lens, Posh interviewed some of the biggest names in showbiz : Elton John, Richard E Grant ….and Vinnie Jones. However, half the British viewing public must have thought they were watching a ‘Wild life On One’ special about the life of the river rat. Oh how we all laughed as she went on about not being anorexic, even though she looked like an overdone ‘Pepperami’ sausage. Poor thing. P.S. tell David to stop dressing like he’s all street wise, because he’s not. If he was offered the chance to ‘chase the dragon’, he’d refuse because he’s ‘not into cruelty to animals’... no mice suffered during the photo shoot.
© Copyright 2000 Insiders