ISSUE 33 July 28th 2000
		R O B I N W I L L I A M S ? . . . . Looks as if Robbie ‘big mouth, small dick’ Williams, certainly knows how to give a woman a night to remember. (The first time I met my wife Tina I too gave her a night to remember. She lost both her legs after I ploughed into her in my Ford Mondeo.) Yep, this week it looks as if he’s been busy playing ‘Peter Penis goes to Beaver Central’ as some old slapper called Robin Reynolds spilled the beans about how she'd ‘unleashed the lion from his tiger skin under pants.’ From what 'Maori' Robin was telling me yesterday, much of Robbie’s seduction technique is down to the Maori culture. Apparently Robbie has a huge tattoo on his left shoulder, it’s meant to represent a tribal prayer called ‘INOI'. So, how does he do it ? Does he use the special powers of the Maori tribe, or like me, just three cans of red bull and a bag of dried roasted peanuts ? She told me: "It was really weird. Robbie seemed to be taken over by some dark force. It seemed to give him special powers. He had the strength of seven horses, and the stamina of six Saxon warriors. It was a million miles away from the sex I’d had with a young boy from the West Country last week. I think he goes by the name of ‘Two pumps and a squirt Hill’. Robbie had told me how a Maori leader called Colin had given him "special sexual powers.’ He taught Robbie a sacred pre-sex ritual. Robbie would not say too much, but I believe it involves an elastic band, some Diamond White and a coat hanger. So there you have it. Robbie’s secret is out at last. All that spiritual shit is just bollocks. Most men don’t need ‘a spiritual sex master.’ Although if you do need a ‘helping hand ‘ I can offer our male readers a special discount on my new-formula ‘solid as a rock’ penis cream. It’s pretty self-explanatory, but this stuff really works. By mixing two magic ingredients, (polyfiller and hair spray), I can now boast to keep any man's ‘mast’ up right during the most torrid of ‘storms’. For further information write to us at the address at the top of the page. However, please don’t waste this ‘magic lotion.’ My Uncle Reggie used two full bottles of this ‘miracle cream’, and let’s just say, it took four long months before his ‘balloon’ became ‘deflated’ again.’ He even lost his job, due to his constantly erect ‘love truncheon.’ He had been hosting the 1987 ‘Choir Boy Of The Year’ Competition, when the cameras suddenly zoomed in on his ‘snake’ in a curious upright position. I don’t know why they sacked him. He was like that every year. BEN.