They just don't get it ! We have a growing number of our American friends logging onto the Insiders each week, but judging from the mail I received this week, they simply don't understand the humour ! Well y'all, nor do I !

It's sick, it's juvenille, it's depraved, it's LIBEL, but hey, hang in there. It took Madonna a while, but she got it in the end, infact, she's wallowing in it now !


R O B I N W I L L I A M S ? . . . . .
Looks as if Robbie ‘big mouth, small dick’ Williams, certainly knows how to give a woman a night to remember. (The first time I met my wife Tina I too gave her a night to remember. She lost both her legs after I ploughed into her in my Ford Mondeo.)

Yep, this week it looks as if he’s been busy playing ‘Peter Penis goes to Beaver Central’ as some old slapper called Robin Reynolds spilled the beans about how she'd ‘unleashed the lion from his tiger skin under pants.’

From what 'Maori' Robin was telling me yesterday, much of Robbie’s seduction technique is down to the Maori culture. Apparently Robbie has a huge tattoo on his left shoulder, it’s meant to represent a tribal prayer called ‘INOI'. So, how does he do it ? Does he use the special powers of the Maori tribe, or like me, just three cans of red bull and a bag of dried roasted peanuts ?

She told me: "It was really weird. Robbie seemed to be taken over by some dark force. It seemed to give him special powers. He had the strength of seven horses, and the stamina of six Saxon warriors. It was a million miles away from the sex I’d had with a young boy from the West Country last week. I think he goes by the name of ‘Two pumps and a squirt Hill’.

Robbie had told me how a Maori leader called Colin had given him "special sexual powers.’ He taught Robbie a sacred pre-sex ritual. Robbie would not say too much, but I believe it involves an elastic band, some Diamond White and a coat hanger.

So there you have it. Robbie’s secret is out at last. All that spiritual shit is just bollocks. Most men don’t need ‘a spiritual sex master.’ Although if you do need a ‘helping hand ‘ I can offer our male readers a special discount on my new-formula ‘solid as a rock’ penis cream. It’s pretty self-explanatory, but this stuff really works. By mixing two magic ingredients, (polyfiller and hair spray), I can now boast to keep any man's ‘mast’ up right during the most torrid of ‘storms’.

For further information write to us at the address at the top of the page. However, please don’t waste this ‘magic lotion.’ My Uncle Reggie used two full bottles of this ‘miracle cream’, and let’s just say, it took four long months before his ‘balloon’ became ‘deflated’ again.’ He even lost his job, due to his constantly erect ‘love truncheon.’ He had been hosting the 1987 ‘Choir Boy Of The Year’ Competition, when the cameras suddenly zoomed in on his ‘snake’ in a curious upright position. I don’t know why they sacked him. He was like that every year.



M U D F O R I T . . .
Lord, oh lord, I’ve seen some hideous sights in my time. Like when my grandfather got pissed and exposed himself at my son's 7th birthday party, and the time my Scottish Aunt Milly showed us how she’d got her nick name ‘Shitty McVitty’ at my Nan’s funeral.

But this week I’ve seen photos of Madonna that take the biscuit.

Looking like something from the depths of the Blue Lagoon, Madonna was this week spotted wallowing in mud in a desperate attempt to help boost her ‘natural
pregnancy’ by bathing in the ‘beneficial Muds’ of Pantelleria.’

However, she could of saved herself thousands of pounds had she come to ‘Hill’s Natural Birth Centre.’ Here you can wallow in the ‘sacred mud of Terry’s back yard.’ whilst a hand full of ‘organic nurses ‘ tend to your every need. Yes, Jason and Steve will be there at your ‘beck and call’ 24 hours a day. (Unless they’ve got a lot of work on in the garage.)

Or why not relax in our ‘hill top retreat’, as the sounds of ‘deep sea whales’ echo around the foot hills of Doncaster. And then sit back and listen to the sounds of ‘deep sea whales crying’ as Terry tries to get them back into the water tank.

You can even drink from a ‘sacred spring’ which we have christened ‘The over flow pipe.’ Here Madonna, we can guarantee your Child will be as natural as a veggie burger. Even Posh Spice was due to drop her sprog here about a year ago, but due to the noise of the M25, and the fact her ‘spiritual retreat’ was nothing more than an iron bath in the loft, she opted for a private hospital in London.

However, I’ve just heard she’s going to LA to escape the British press. To keep it private, she will use the ‘back entrance’ and go in disguise. Which is exactly what happens when Elton John visits his doctor.



P I N K B U N N I E S . . .
Isn’t old Elton John a true gent? After all I’ve said in the past about his dubious ‘Music Academy ‘ for young boys in Portugal
( … "If I put my hand here, Pablo, does your voice get higher?") and his tireless work for the African Scout Embassy ("Now we’ve rubbed two sticks together, lets try rubbing two sausages together shall we? ") I must admit this man has a heart of pure gold.

Or should I say a pure ‘pace maker of Gold’ seeing as Elton now has a mechanical heart. "I’m like a Duracell bunny these days," he told me. Which must mean he likes ‘opening up round the back and having his batteries tampered with’ .

This week good old ‘dick peeler’ was back helping to raise money for his ‘Elton John Aids Foundation’, which basically consists of a load of celebs walking around ‘arse licking’ and getting pissed up whilst being photographed for some glossy rag.

After a spelling mistake (which led every guest wondering where his ‘Aids Fountain’ was), Elton soon had the entire party laughing their heads off as he recalled some classic stories of how he’d ‘slept with over 1,000 men and ’had ‘orgies all over the world’.

Guests were then asked to ‘dig deep in their pockets’ to help find a cure for ‘the worst disease in the world.’ Around £60,000 was finally raised, which was a darn sight more than Brian May’s ‘Hay Fever Foundation’ fun run which was held last month. (Total amount raised. £4.90.)

Once all the boring AIDs chat had quickly been forgotten about, Elton took his guests on a tour of his rambling 200 yard estate. "Here’s where you came in. And here’s where you leave….. bye, bye." It was then left to the guests to pose in front of the cameras for hours on end.

You’re probably gagging to know what the celebs were wearing so I can now exclusively reveal which stars were wearing what…

Ronan Keating was wearing a white Gucci suit. George Michael was wearing a black Versace suit, and Bob Geldolf was spotted wearing a brown French evening suit called ‘Potato ‘de la Sac’ which was designed by British label Debenhams.



S A I N T G A L L A G H E R . . .
Well, well, well, look’s as if old ‘Trampy’ Liam Gallagher has finally won his feud with Robbie Williams. All of a sudden old ‘Rock DJ’ has gone very quiet, due to the fact that Liam is now shagging the arse off Robbie’s ex (and ‘top pop pussy’) Nicole Appleton.

But is this ‘wholly union’ built to last? Nicole Appleton has had more ‘hot dicks’ than my Uncle Reggie at a Dale Winton Convention. So does she really love old Trampy or has she seen the sweet sight of his Gold credit card and miles of tabloid coverage?

Well, last night I tracked her down, in a swanky part of Dagenham to see if she really has found true love or not:

"It’s early days, but I definitely haven’t felt this way about someone for a long long time. He’ just so kind. Last night he agreed to hump the arse off me all night. Then when I asked him for money he gave it to me. Like I say, he’s so kind".

Well, that’s that sorted out then. Another pop union that will run and run, until his hits dry up, and her tits….dry up.

So, as Liam’s fortunes have taken an upward turn, what has happened to Patsy ‘actress’ Kensit? Well, I did do my best dear readers to get an interview with her, but since McDonalds have started doing quarter pound cheese burgers for 99p she’s been rushed off her feet. I’ll try again next week.


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W E B C O N . . .
Just when the world needed cheering up, up pops that band of Irish peasants who got lucky…… U2. This is a classic example of a band that have made a career out of two note bass lines, a load of shouting, and album after album of songs that were all recorded in the same key and tempo. In short : Fucking boring.

But this week they return to the world stage with the announcement that they have a new album that is nearly ready, (for all you middle aged computer programmers out there! ). And if that wasn’t enough, you can even watch the little monkeys hard at work via their ‘web cam’ on www.u2.com.

You can also ask the band questions. Yippee. The only question I’d want to ask is how the hell did that bog eyed freak Adam Claydon manage to get Naomi Cambell into bed? (Answer : Money and sleeping tablets).

Well, I thought I’d better get in touch with the 21st Century and check out this ‘webcam ‘ nonsense and this ‘cutting edge’ technology that everybody’s wanging on about ! ……..F***ck me its like switching on a strobe light and watching paint dry!…… (oh look, the Edge has sat down). Absolute bollocks…….give me a pint of Babycham and a Beano any day!

However, I decided to ask lead singer and ‘short arse’ Bono about their new record. He told me (in a fake Irish accent) : "There’s a sense of something going on that I think has come from all this, it’s up to others to figure it out ! or, maybe we’ve completely lost the plot ? …..it’s up to you to decide ".

Take it from me bum face, you’re talking out of you’re arse.



S O G G Y M U F F I N . . .
For the third and final time, it looks as if Mel C has definitely seen more ‘sausage surprise’ than ‘soggy muffin’ in the past few months, which should finally lay to rest the nasty campaign doing the rounds, that she is a ‘Fanny tickler.’

This week her ‘publicity stunt’ boyfriend ( J from Five ) once again denied that they have split up because he had caught Mel C in bed with her French yoga teacher ‘Conni Artiste’.

Speaking exclusively to me from Mel C’s secret Australian Villa (hidden deep in the depths of the bush ) J told me…. " There’s no way this chick is bent !. Man, she is the one for me. I love her. Our new album is out a week on Monday ".

Now, I don’t want to come over all ‘bitter n’ twisted’ but I’ve got a gut feeling that these two have an ‘arranged marriage.’ She’s trying desperately to hoodwink the world, that she isn’t into ‘hairy armpits and sandals’ whilst all the press attention is hardly doing Five’s publicity campaign any harm.

Once again, I am only to happy to translate part of a recent interview J gave to a boring housewives magazine called ‘Washing, Ironing and Baking’ and this is what I can reveal from J’s heart felt warblings.

J : " She’s my life, we are soul mates, this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.’

Translation. : ‘ It’ll be over by August.’

J : ‘ We make music together, we hang out together, we were made for one another.

Translation . ‘I’ve never liked her. I took her out to some film premiere, and the next day some money in a brown envelope came to me from her management. This now happens every time I’m seen out with her.

J : ‘She’s really strong. she’s really into Yoga and loves Animals.’

Translation : ‘She’s a lesbian.’

Well mateys, he WAS one of the finest in the country, alas, he is now well past his sell by date..and that's why he's gone to Everton you bunch of hypocrites!
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Tailgunner
Oasis producer, Mark Coyle's band TAILGUNNER release their first single next month. The song called 'Coming Back Home' will be followed up by an album and a tour.

The line up includes Mr OASIS himself Noel Gallagher. who is surprisingly playing drums!

It was suggested that Noel was finally abandoning the 'SINKING OASIS SHIP' and reports suggest that if Noel goes on tour with Tailgunner that Liam will finally call it a day.

Noel told me last week after the sell out OASIS gig at Wembly: "I'm very excited about the tour, okay we might not be playing stadium gigs, but I think Tailgunner are going to surprise a lot of people."

Yes I think you're right Noel. I'd be surprised if the album ever gets to see the light of day !

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Skunk n Scott
'Five' singer Scott is now denying that the band are all for legalising Cannabis.

He told me last night at the trendy cafe 'Pink Eye' in Camden Town that the band's remarks were taken out of context.

"What we meant was, that people who took 'the evil weed' were less inclined to be violent than people who go down the pub everynight and get shit -faced.

Journalist are always twisting words to suit themselves, Sometimes they just make up these stories in their sorded attempt to sell onto newspapers and online mags."

" That's awful. " I said

"I mean, do people really think just because you are in a boyband that you are stupid? ....honestly!"

UMMMMMMMMM...

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Sexy Club 7
Squeaky clean S Club 7 singer Rachel Stevens' father 'Mike' has just published an A-Z of sexual services.

This service includes profesionals such as "The Milkmaid' who specialises in adult babies and sex slaves. Mike told me : "I'm just providing a community service - call girls will no longer have to advertise on street corners or telephone boxes "

Sexy Club 7 'Rachel' said : " I don't mind one bit, it's just part of my dad's publishing business, it's all above board ! "

Of course you don't mind Rachel, its all extra income. After all, no one knows your profesional name is 'Barbie Girl' (No man too big, no boy too small)

Don't worry darling,you'r secret is safe with me. will 7.00pm be okay ?