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SONY-v-BMG
Rumours of yet another major record company merger (Bertelsmann and SONY) have been quashed by a Bertelsmann spokeswomen.

“Bertelsmann are not in negotiations, nor would we want to join forces with Japan or anyone else. We are strong, we will continue to build and expand our interests in all global markets on our own, it is our destiny to succeed”.

Even if the rumours were true and the two giants wanted to merge It would undoubtedly lead to another global disaster. The monopolies regulation authority would also have something to say about it.

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Soft top
Jesus! I thought it was Mick who is forever flashing his body off and doing a very good impression of a 60 year old pipe cleaner, but judging by recent hot photos it looks like Jade Jagger has finally found the some ‘artistic’ reasons for getting her tits out. Mick’s supposedly blown his top.

Apparently he went mad when he realised he couldn’t seduce her because she’s his very own daughter.

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Bono Band
Bono may be as washed up as a ‘whale in an oil slick’, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to get his son on the road to pop super-stardom. Apparently he’s getting his son and other kids from the U2 family tree to form a new boy band called ‘Kidzone’.

All he’s looking for now is a manager.
Don’t even think about it Mr Glitter.

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Fat bastrd
Hold on to your hats folks, because news reaches me this week that those comic/musical giants ‘Fat Les’ look like turning up this summer with a brand new football anthem. Expect plenty of ‘laughs’ along on the way in May this year. However, the biggest laugh will probably be a load of washed up middle aged men trying to act like ‘lads’ when really they are all into driving Range Rovers, pompus art and appearing in mouth wash commercials. The names Keith Allan and Damian Hurst spring to mind.

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Liam
Glad to see Liam Gallagher is still as ‘witty’ as ever. This week he appeared on C4’s Big Breakfast, and came out with some classic one liners.

"I’ll be in Oasis for as long as I’ve got my hair cut". Oh man, he’s ‘mad’. He also announced that he "don’t get up in the morning and think Today I’m famous", Which is good news because judging by his piss poor new album when he next ‘wakes up’ he really won’t be famous anymore.

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Shania Twat
Shania Twain and husband ‘Mutt’ Lange were spotted this week. They were doing something ‘crazy’…like having dinner at a posh gaff. The only reason this story is of any true worth is because poor old Mutt hates being photographed.

Man, I ain’t surprised! He looks like Worzel Gummage crossed with Fatima Whitbread. Lord above! No wonder Shania keeps banging on about ‘Feeling like a Woman’, because from the look of it all she’s found so far is an extra from ‘Planet Of The Apes’. God! Shania is famous for singing the line "So you think you’re Brad Pitt, that don’t impress me!" I can see that Shania. Why have ‘Brad Pitt’, when you can settle for ‘horse’s Shit?’.

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Brown Nose
Ian Brown is gagging to record a Michael Jackson covers EP.

"I love Jacko. I've liked him since I was a kid. Stuff like 'Off The Wall' and 'Thriller'. I want to do a Jacko EP, with 'Thriller', 'Beat It', 'Billie Jean' and 'Rockin' Robin' or 'ABC' on it. Hopefully I'll get to do it soon. I've wanted to do something creative for a long time."

He also puts out a plea to Glastonbury organiser - Old farmerl Eavis, begging to be included in the line up for the 2000 event.

He said: "I think I'm playing Homelands, Reading and V99 and I'll do Glastonbury if and when I'm invited. I've not had the word yet, but I will. I'm waiting for the guy to say 'we need you'. I want to do it and it'd be good for Glastonbury to get me."

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Warning
If anyone approaches you claiming a team of internet specialists have created a whizzy tool that will cut the costs of building and updating your Artists web sites...Run!

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R A I S S A . . .
Don’t want to come across as a doom merchant but ‘hot’ new star ‘Raissa’ looks as if she’s got ‘Cathy Dennis’ written all over her. Sure she sounds confident enough. She pipes up this week with a statement full of young single mindedness. "Personally I’m just a contrary girl who doesn’t like following the crowd". Good to see you’re so strong willed, but judging by your recent performance on T.F.I you’re gonna be following any crowd you can find that will listen to your hippy shit. Her new single is called ‘How Long Do I Get?’ About 15 minutes love.

L I K E A V I R G I N. . .
What is Dicky Pickle up to now ? Not content with fucking up the rail network he’s now holding the very same business that made him rich to ransom. Why? Because he says it's unfair for record labels to offer Internet Distributers better terms than high street outlets. (At the end of the day it might make music cheaper and take some of his profit).

Customarily Record Companies deny this accusation of favouritism and if pushed you can understand why (if it were true) Dicky is getting into such a Pickle over it, but one thing in the Dicky camp stinks of hypocrisy.

Offering alternatives to the public was exactly what he did in the early days of the now Virgin empire. From inside recollections.. It seems Old Dicky made his fortune using a true entrepreneurial approach.

1. Buy import albums in the UK at a cheaper rate, saying that they were to be exported abroad.

2. Take a couple of boxes on a day trip over to France to get the required documentation.

3. Sneak them back into the UK, to be sold at full rates without tax and without declaration.

4. Hey Presto...Higher profits!

One question...without declaration did the artist get their share and if not - was it fair?

L U V A D U C K . . .
Lord above, I’ve seen some strange celebrity pairings in my time……The Monkee’s and Jimi Hendrix, David Bowie and Bing Crosby, but this weeks’ pictures really take the biscuit……Vinnie Jones and Madonna.
Mother o’ Mary, Vinnie must of thought his ship had come in. He must of been chuffed to bits at meeting one of pop’s biggest names. I can just hear the exchange of words now.

Vinnie : "Aw, Lord love a’ duck….it’s bleeding Madonna, I’m a big fan of yours. You know ‘The Hand of God’ n’ all that. Mexico ’86. No I’m jokin’ love..ha, ha. I know you love. ‘Like a Virgin’. If you’ve still got that problem sweetheart, you know where to come! My wife loved your film ‘Rivita’ Ha ! Ha! Ha!".

Madonna : "Oh it’s you Vincent! Christ, I know all about you. Your move to Leeds was not a success, was it? That’s because they actually ‘pass’ the ball. No, I’m going nowhere near you, you filthy oink! From what I’ve heard you always follow through from behind and come in late with your tackle. Still doing the windows on Tuesday?"

Vinnie "Yes Boss".

K O R N Y F U C K E R S . . .
From what I’ve read this week I hope I never meet those foul mouthed ‘metal monkeys’ Korn.

Whilst trying to turn the members of the Nottinghamshire hunt on to their angry and violent music (in a desperate attempt to whip their horses into a wild frenzy and kill more foxes) I couldn’t help feel slightly worried this week by Korn leader Johnathan Davis’ brutal comments concerning his step mother.

"I hate that c****. I hope she dies. When ever I see her I just wanna punch her in the f****** face. She’s just a F****** C****".

Oh dear. My spelling isn’t that good, but calling someone a ‘Father Christmas’ is hardly fair. But wouldn’t it make a brilliant ‘Surprise, Surprise’. I can just see Cilla Black now. :

"And Johnathan Davis, chuck, here’s someone you haven’t seen for over 25 years….it’s your step mum Sue, all the way from the US".

Johnathan : " Aww I F****** Hate you, F****** C*****. Your gonna get this F****** Knife right up your F****** A**. You’re a B******* M********* I hope this F******* pole goes up your A**** and comes out of your F******* C*****!".

Cilla : "Oh dear. That’s all for tonight folks. You can all go F**** yourselves".

P O O P E R S C O O P E R . . .

Poor old H. Oh mother, I thought my quest for romance was looking bleak! (Those swans were merely ‘resting’ in my loft, and the baby oil helps them ‘fly’ quicker). The poor old dancing ‘dick’ has to resort so low as to snuggling up to his ‘dog’ when not dancing like a hyperactive 12 year old pumped full of Rola Cola. He ‘spills the beans’ in some teenage wag mag.

"I’m looking for love, but my dog is the next best thing! It’s great spending time with someone or something that gives you so much love and attention. Even if it is a dog rather than a real person."

For crying out loud this man is sick! Don’t be surprised if he starts a brand new dance craze called ‘the pooper scoop’. And I bet his future wife will now look even more worried when H’s ‘pup’ is in the bedroom, and he suddenly announces he’s going to try to make love ‘doggy style’.

(If you do miss that ‘sexual feeling’ H, here’s a good tip. First, get a child’s water wing from your local swimming pool. Then blow it up and plaster the inside of it with Vaseline. Then wedge it between your cushion and sofa, and press down on the water wing, and well….. you can guess the rest. Don’t ever attempt it when baby sitting! For Christ sake. You never know when the parents are coming back, and lets just say, I haven’t been asked back since.)

M E L - B . . .
Glad to see Mel B is coming to terms with her failed marriage by jetting off to an Indian Ocean Paradise with some greasy rat called Max Beesley.

Only last week Mel gave her ex hubby ‘Jimmy G’ £60,000 to tied him over until his big wind fall on ‘Divorce Day’ later in the year.

I don’t want to put ideas into Max Beesley’s head, but try proposing to her soon, get her preggers…then mess her around a bit, see if she feels like a divorce, and Bob’s yer uncle…….
it’s pay day!!!!

T A K E T H E R A P . . .
Word up readers! (or reader) This ain’t no joke. Some of the biggest stars in rap are getting together to record a (wait for it)…..Phil Collins Tribute album. This is one record I can’t wait to hear, as I am one of Mr Collins’ biggest fans.

As you know Phil was one of the first pioneers of rap music. With his trade mark bald head and white skin he was obviously different from the other ‘brothers’ in the ‘hood’ of Harlem in the late 70’s and early 80’s. He first broke on to the rap scene with his classic single : ‘You Can’t Hurry Love (You’ll Just Have To Wait Bitch!)’ which topped the charts all over the world in 1983. Other hits soon followed : ‘Against All Odds (I Was Never Charged); ‘I Can Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight (Like A Bullet In The Head) and who could forget that Jamacian classic : ‘Another Day In Paradise (Man, this Smack Is Good!)’.

I hope other rap artists give Phil some ‘respect’ and do his rap anthems some justice.

G A G A P O P . . .
Well, well, well old St. Valentine's day is nearly here, and the crazy world of pop has gone all ‘ga ga’. Anyone who’s anyone in the pre-pubes world of bubble gum pop is talking of ‘love’ and ‘companionship’. Here’s a few sweet sentences from those squeaky clean stars, and a few added translations…

Lee / 911 : "The most romantic thing I’ve ever done is spending one entire night lying on a beach with a girl looking up at the stars!"
(It was Bournemouth beach, I was 13, and whilst looking the stars, I was trying to fire a ‘shooting star‘ into her ’black hole’).

Adam Rickett : "I think blondes turn me on!"
(Jason Donavan, and H from Steps to be precise)

Warren / Scootch : "I’ll send a card to my Mum and Sister".
(I’ll be sat at home alone crying and wanking.)

Johnathan Davis / Korn : "I’ll F**** anything that moves, I’ll srew any C**** or A***".
(I’m looking for a loving relationship)

Stephen / Boyzone : "I’ll be spending Valentine's day tucked up in bed".
(l’ll be in bed alright. And I’ll be ‘tucked up’ nice and tight with ‘teddy’, and then wake up with my boxer shorts on back to front and stuffing every where).

H / steps : "It’ll be just me and pooch. Nothing special. I’ll probably go to the park and play ‘fetch the stick".
(I’ll be teaching pooch a new dance step called ‘giving the dog a bone’).