A L L R I O T . . .
Didn’t I warn you that the All Saints film ‘Honest’ would cause riots across the globe as every living male goes berserk in a desperate attempt to see the ‘golden parts’ of both Nicole and Natalie Appleton?

Well, my ‘mystic prediction’ came true as riots broke out at the midnight premiere of the film at the Cannes film festival. Hundreds of French sex starved animals rushed the cinema whilst wanking like a bunch of greased up baboons.

The riot may have been easier to handle had the French police (who were supposed to be controlling the dribbling masses), not been making a run for the front row seats themselves. Once the film had ended the massive clear up operation took place involving 35 air ambulances and 127 wheel-barrows as over 300 French men were treated for ‘pelvic spasms’ and ‘leaking hoses’.

Things were made worse two days later when Nat and Nic took flowers along to the Cannes Central Hospital to see the victims of France’s worst ever ‘wanking epidemic’. Needless to say, the sight of the two sisters turning up once again sent the whole hospital ‘rocking’ all night, and two French teenage boys ‘Cedic Lyons’ and ‘Jean Cul- de-sac’ both lost their lives after a desperate fight by two paramedics. (The paramedics were indeed involved in a ‘desperate fight’……. over a game of cards, when the two boys got involved and had the shit kicked out of them.)

And, to top off a bad week for the All Saints they were told that they would have to remove all Jimi Hendrix tunes from the film’s soundtrack because (and I swear I’m not making this up) the Hendrix estate had objected to Jimi’s music being connected with ‘Sex and Drugs’, which is a bit like Jesus banning all Hymns from Church services because he doesn’t want them to be connected with ‘Faith and Religion’.


G I V A W A Y . . .
We told you weeks ago that BMG screwed up big time with the Eurythmics 'Peace' of crap album and at last it seems they publicly admit the mistake.

BMG let Judy Garland's 19 year old son Charles convince them it would be a good idea to give away 1.7 million copies of the new single 'Peace is just a word' a couple of other tracks and some multi-media poo free with the Sunday Times.

One thing this mega promotional stunt didn’t take into consideration was that once people played the freebie they would all know what a pile of crap it was and not bother to buy the album...Dhu. At least before this madness there was a slim chance of the album selling on the Eurythmics past reputation.


P R I N C E S S B R I T N E Y. . .
More heart ache again this week for my favourite ‘pop princess’ Britney Spears.

Her mother, Lynne, told the world how Prince ‘Big Willie’ William ‘blew her out’.
Can I be arsed to tell you about how old ‘diamond nuts’ cocked up the chance of hot sex with Britney again? No, I can’t. So I think I’ll let old ‘laugh a minute’ Lynne tell you this heart breaking anecdote :

"Prince William is a big fan of Britney (as is his dirty Father) and we were invited to meet him. I couldn’t stop squealing - can you imagine being invited to Buckingham Palace? When we got there the Prince sent a message stating he had been on a fox hunt all day and couldn’t make it."

Poor old Britters and Lynne. I can just see them now standing at the Golden gates of Buck House dressed up like a Christmas tree waiting to see ‘King Willie’. I can just picture the Queen having to drag herself away from her beloved hobby of panel beating, just to tell the two walking Barbie Dolls that her grandson has gone to bed due to spending the day ‘fox hunting’, which as we all know is street slang for ‘chasing the dragon.’

Will Britney get her man? Will her mother leave her alone so Britney can be bent over the throne and spanked with a wet leather plimsoll? We’ll wait and see. ‘Till next week dear readers. (If nothing happens, I’ll just make up a ‘sexual fantasy’ involving a Hoover, some paint stripper and a bag of conkers.)

L O S T C A U S E . . .
Looks as if the yanks are still having trouble understanding the ‘peasant accent’ that is mancunian, especially when coming from the mouths of those horrible animals Oasis.

This Sunday a special ‘Rockumentary’ will hit the screens state-side as part of an hour long special on the history of one of Britain’s biggest ever covers bands.

However, makers VH-1 (a music channel so anal that they donate an entire day to the music of Paula Abdul) have decided that those terrible accents will be completely lost on most red necks, so subtitles will be used to accompany the pile of bollocks that is forever flowing out of the Gallaghers’ mouths.

I’ve already got my hands on a video copy of the programme and some of the subtitles that accompany their verbal sewage, and just for you my dear readers I am only too pleased to give you an exclusive copy of the transcript………

Liam Gallagher : ‘Some panhead who wants stabbing up the @!!! with a pick axe.
VH-1 Translation : ‘I’m going to poke someone up the bottom with my sharp object’.

Noel Gallagher : ‘Taking drugs is like having a cup of tea for me.’
VH-1 Translation : ‘Taking tea is like having a cup of drugs’

Liam Gallagher : ‘We’re the biggest band in the world, man. We’ve got the best songs, we’ve got respect and we’re having it large.’
VH-1 Translation : ‘We’re no-where near as big as we once were. We’ve become a laughing stock in Britain. ‘Standing On The Shoulder Of Giants’ sank without a trace and Tom Jones is now out selling us 10-1.’


T E A R S O F A C L O W N . . .
Can I just take this opportunity to offer ‘teenage pop sensation’ Billie a massive penis to cry on.
She must be heart broken this week after that ‘singing Blue Peter presenter’ Richie Neville cruelly dumped her over the phone. (It’s worse than it sounds. Richie was actually in the same room as Billie when all of a sudden he smacked her to the ground and then ‘dumped her over the phone’ before running off into the night.)

Can I just say that if you do need a good night out Billie, then I’d be glad to take you out to an exclusive restaurant any Sunday night. You know the one!!! It’s called ‘La Harvester’ in Swindon. Both you and I know the chef ‘Terry ‘ remember him ? Well he promised me dinner for two (off the Children’s menu) and two desserts for the price of one.

We’d have the best seats in the place (by the window over looking the canal and car park). So, if you’re sat at home crying Billie, don’t worry just call me on 09473 667 444398. Me and Terry look forward to seeing you there soon, love.


O N T H E L I N E . . .
Well there’s a surprise...Mark Marot formally Island's man Friday has given in and joined the on-line music madness. He has taken the job as director of strategic planning for up-start music portal Music3w.

What this role actually involves is anyones guess, but no doubt fits in nicely with the business plan's executive summary, management breakdow, financial projections and exit policy.

For those that don’t know...Music3w is just one of many new-media ventures frantically researching future possibilities for music. They have predictably implemented the obvious and are currently forcing square pegs into round holes. What next ?


H O W I N S U L T A N . . .
I hope no-one is reading this whilst having a break during a 24 hour shift at a Lebanese Hotel for around 3p an hour, but those jammy monkeys ‘West Life’ have just returned from playing to the Sultan of Brunei where they raked in £2.5 million for a special show consisting of just seven songs. That’s over £350,000 per track per man. Bastards!

I caught up with young up start and lead ‘tap dancer’ Kian who told me of this magical experience.
"It was one of the best concerts we’ve done. The Sultan has an amazing palace, and we played in front of 50 of the Royal family".

Jesus, it sounds a million miles away from a Wednesday night at the ‘Horse and Hound’. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s a lovely gaff, (lights in the Gents and everything) but it ain’t no ‘palace’ that’s for sure.

So, can I just take this opportunity to offer the services of ‘Parallel Universe’ to the Sultan of Brunei, ( if you’re reading this.)

We’ve been together now for around 17 years and do a wide range of musical styles from
‘White Snake’ to ‘Guns n’ Roses’. They’re all covers, and Stevie Evans can throw in a disco and ‘space age’ light show. We’d be happy to play any time you need us Mr. Brunei, apart from Saturday 22nd July when were are booked to play the Chippenham Flower 2000 Festival. If you need us just leave an E-mail at the address at the top of the screen.


T A P P I N G A G A I N . . .
Just when the cinemas of Great Britain seem to be filled with every crock of shit imaginable, i.e.
‘POKEMON’. (A better idea would have been ‘Poke-yer-Mum’ in which you see a load of house wives having sex with their mothers), news reaches me of a classic that will soon be hitting our screens again sixteen years after its original release.

No, It’s not ‘Raider’s Of The Lost Arc’. I’m talking about ‘This Is Spinal Tap’.

Yep, watch out for a massive wave of interest in Tap again as every town in the country starts singing along to such classics as ‘Hell Hole’ and ‘Sex Farm’. (‘Working on a Sex Farm. Sniffing at Your Feed Bag and Hosing Down your Barn doors). Every track is a killer, so fuck off Def Leopard, the masters of Rock are set to return.


S P I C E D O G S . . .
Looks as if those four singing dogs the Spice Girls are set to return later this year with their third album of bubble gum pop songs. The album is going to be called ‘The Third Album’ which obviously proves that the girls still have all the brains and imagination of a bag of coal.

Last night I spoke to Mel C whilst she tucked in to her new vegetable diet. Over a carrot and a bowel of milk she ‘spilled the beans’ about the latest release.

"Yes, we’ve got some mums in the band but it’s not a mature album. (Just listen to the track ‘Poo, Poo’ and you’ll realise that.) It’s a bit older than the Spice Girls but it’s still cheeky and it’s still fun. And it’s still very danceble to when your drunk.’

I’m sure your massive under-10s fan base will love listening to the album whilst pissed out of their minds on brandy Mel. Can’t wait to see you and the girls back where you belong….. on the other side of the Atlantic.

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