Looks like all hell kicked off again this week with my favourite pop couple Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez.

It all took place on the set of Lopez's new film ‘The Wedding Planner’ when Puff caught Lopez kissing her co-star Mathew McConaughey in her trailer. Apparently Puff ‘blew his top’ just as Mathew was about to have his ‘top blown’. Lopez claimed they were only rehearsing from the script. All Puff could say was ‘BullShit ! BullShit !’ (Earlier Puff had caused a security alert on set when he turned up unannounced claming he wanted to see Lopez before she began ‘shooting on set’.)

Personally I don’t believe that Lopez was rehearsing a ‘kissing scene’ with her co-star in her trailer at all.

It reminded me of the time when I walked in on my wife Tina rehearsing a ‘Blow Job’ scene with a young actor from the local Amateur Dramatics Society.

A week later I went to see the play and was angry by the clear lack of a ‘Blow Job Scene’ in ‘Jack In The Bean Stalk’. Apparently after much rehearsing the director had decided to cut the scene a week earlier.

Poor old Whitney Houston was once again ‘smack’ bang in the middle of a drugs storm. Apparently, she was fired by legendary song writer Burt Bacharach after a string of disastrous rehearsals for the Oscars awards show in L.A on Sunday.

Whitney repeatedly did a good impression of a ‘singing baboon’ that had been fed on nothing but ‘nose candy’ all weekend.

Bacharach was furious with Whitney, who kept having to stop singing to go and ‘powder her nose’. Houston’s spokesman furiously denied the stories suggesting that Whitney was so out of it she didn’t even know where she was, or indeed who she was. (To producer : ‘Do you know who I am?’).

Apparently the reason why Whitney kept singing the wrong words to the wrong song was because she had a ‘sore throat’.

Well, I can’t wait for the next time I go down with a ‘sore throat’, because as anyone who knows anything about drugs will tell you, a ‘sore throat’ is street slang for ‘a kilo of Heroin’.

Watch out for other top pop stars who claim to be ‘ill’ but are really ‘bombed off their tits’.

Remember when Ricky Martin pulled out of the Grammy’s due to ‘a cold’? Well ‘a cold’ dear readers is slang for ‘two crack pipes and a bag of speed’.

No wonder he’s always dancing like a monkey in a tumble drier.

News reaches me this week of what could possibly be one of the greatest clubs of all time. It’s called ‘The Harington Club’ and is owned by none other than two legendary ‘big nosed granddads’ Ronnie Wood and Rod Stewart.

Word has it that Ronnie and Rod were sick of being seen as two old fashioned ‘sexist pigs’ and wanted to show their appreciation to all ‘hard working women in the world.’

The club will be one of the biggest lap dancing clubs of all time.
Rod n’ Ronnie both ‘hand picked’ the chicks themselves, and the club has a very small membership consisting of two big nosed wrinkly perverts who needed somewhere to go late at night.

S I S T E R S . . .

Just when I got bored of playing ‘dodge the cars’ with my young nephew, up pops a new pop sensation from Australia in the form of ‘Sister2Sister’. I bet you can’t guess what this hot pop group are all about. Well, let me tell you.

They’re sisters, and there’s two of them. Genius isn’t it? (It reeks of incest, which is all part of the appeal, l think).

They are currently on tour with Five, and I’m pretty sure they don’t have any trouble getting on to the lads tour bus.
In fact, they probably have more trouble leaving the ‘sex wagon on wheels’ than any of the lads close friends or family. And I'm pretty sure the sexy sisters had a pretty tough audition which consisted of no singing, but an awful lot of ‘peeling the pink banana’ and a new game called ‘spin the beaver’.

Sister2Sister is out on April the 10th. It’s called ‘Sister’. It’s shit.

L O V E I N B R I T N E Y S T R E N C H E . . .

It’s only just gone March, but already every bored Hippie in the land is looking forward to that ‘peasants circus’ that is Glastonbury festival 2000.

This week Michael Eavis announced that the festival centre piece would be a spectacular new Pyramid stage ‘100 feet high and clad in Dazzling Silver.’

Well, I’m pretty sure that almost everything those ‘drugged up thieving gypsies’ will see that weekend will be ‘100 foot high’ and ‘dazzling’ Michael, so don’t you worry.

Mr Eavis also boasts of the festival's ‘biggest ever line up’, ( Will Madona be there ?) but I’m pretty sure that once ‘PC Hill’ turns up on site, the whole of the Somerset Police Force will also be looking forward to their ‘biggest ever line up’.

That’s what I love about the Glastonbury festival. You get a whole cross section of society. There’s always a whole ‘cultural mixture’ of ‘nomads.’ From drug dealers, to benefit fraudsters, to illegal immigrants. They’re all having the time of their lives and enjoying time away from their river boats. And in keeping with the whole ‘anti-capitalist theme, main tickets will cost no less than £87.

Put that in your ‘peace pipe’ and smoke it you crazy freaks.

Looks as if boy band Five are in turmoil again this week, after group leader Scott Robinson tried to sneak his girlfriend ‘Kerry’ on to their tour bus after a recent gig at Wembley Arena.

However, good old lover boy was stopped in his tracks by the other ‘singing hairdressers’ who reminded him of the groups strict ‘No girlfriends on the tour bus’ rule.

Apparently, Scott tried in vein to get Kerry onto the bus, but she was kept at bay by the busty blond coach driver who the lads call Terry. Once the boys realised that their cover was about to be blown they confronted Scott and lets just say the ‘shit hit the fan’. Apparently this was not the first time the ‘shit’ had ‘hit the fan’ on the tour bus…

Only two weeks ago one of the boys was humping a teenage fan from Nottingham in the port-a-loo when the bus was hit by a huge lorry carrying fresh silage.

B R I T N E Y S G A S H . . .

Once again it is my sad duty to report another celebrity accident.

Hot on the heels of Claire from steps twisting her ankle last week, I can now report on a terrible accident that involved our favourite singing ‘Tits’ Britney Spears.

News reaches me that our guiding light and saviour was badly injured whilst filming her new video for her forth coming single ‘Oops I Did It Again’.

Britney suffered a bad case of concussion after being hit on the head by a workman's tool, resulting in a large cut that needed nine stitches.

Once again doctors got all excited after getting the wrong end of the stick when told by ambulance men that Britney had a lot of ‘fluid spurting from her large gash’.


G A T E C R A S H . . .
Any drugged up bus drivers out there who fancy dancing in a field full of panel beaters then watch out for ‘Gate Crasher Summer Festival’ to be held on Saturday 17th June.

It will feature all the big names in DJ-ing (Paul Oakenfold, John Digweed, Sasha and of course Tall Paul)

So if any of you thick trevs want to get pilled up and dance like an epileptic in front of a ‘wall full of strobe lights’ then now is your chance! Just imagine a large muddy field with the same old records with the same old boring beat being played for ten hours non stop.

I’d rather spend 24 hours trapped in the boot of a Morris Minor with nothing but a bag full of haddock and horses shit than go to any shit dance festival this summer. Yep, you’ve guessed it. I don’t like dance music.

BEN

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Mind the jumper
It’s still a case of ‘will he or won’t he’ where Mr Dicky Pickle is concerned. Having recently reported that the ongoing dispute with the big boys over supplying records to his stores looked to be resolved, it appears that he’s back on the attack. Within days of the payment deadline, he sent out a series of letters demanding they improve their deals. If, as reported, it’s now a case of stalemate, one wonders if the heavies will be dispatched to retrieve the dosh. Mind his jumper.

Or could it be he’s taken up juggling and is waiting for the much needed dosh to come in from Singapore Airlines

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Feeling Disney
Yet another week, yet another Elton John story. This week the ‘singing bandit’ suffered a roasting by some serious theatre critics who have been busy panning his latest venture, a £15 million musical ‘Aida’ which opened on Broadway this week.

The New York Times were first to lay into Elton’s ‘Gay Pantomime’. They put the boot in with : "Aida seems stranded in it’s own candy coloured limbo, thrashing between childish silliness and civic preachiness."

Even Elton himself hates it. He stormed out of the opening night claiming all the music had been completely ruined and now sounded like a ‘fucking Pet Shop Boys record’.

So why Elton wasn’t covering his arse in baby oil and jumping up and down with excitement is beyond me.

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Back hander
The BBC look to be holding the music industry to ransom with the threat of less music programming on BBC1 and BBC2 unless they put their weight behind the BBC Music Live event due to take place over 24 hours at the end of May. There’s a thing.
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Baby Boom
Looks as if every major release is being scheduled around a baby this year.

First Richard Ashscroft’s wife Kate gives birth just as his new single ‘Song For The Lovers’ hits the radio waves.
This was followed by Ian Browns baby last Saturday, just as his album ‘Golden Greats' was slowly slipping back down the charts.

And now, to top it off is the horrific story that Madonna has been forced to sign an agreement with her record company that means she can only give birth on the exact day that her new album is released in September, so that it will gain the record maximum publicity . (It’s called a ‘double release’ contract.)

This means that even if Madonna’s new born baby is five days early doctors will have to physically keep the ‘bun in the oven’ until the album hits the shops. Let’s just pray she ain’t having twins.

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Dummies
Indie record shops may have discovered the strategy to hit back at the big Supermarket boys. Being undercut left right and centre must smart, but some enterprising shops are thinking lateral and have started stocking acts the supermarkets have never heard of. Great idea. Lets hope the record-buying public know their onions. Or do they go to Tescos for those?

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Pet shop
Still talking about giant pricks, the Pet Shop Boys keep asking for more Homosexual connotations this week…

After throwing a wobbler on an aircraft flight (due to the lack of ‘Pyjamas’ on board) the lads were instead offered a £3,000 watch each and anything else available on the plane for free.
And what did they both choose ?…

Two tubes of ‘anti wrinkle’ hand cream and a large bottle of champagne.

I don’t want to get to crude here, but I’m pretty sure they were both very quiet for the rest of the flight as they used the hand cream to play a new game called ‘hiding the champagne bottle’.

Apparently there was an emergency on board when the cork accidentally ‘popped off’ at a very crucial point in the game.

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Baby Bum
It was a sad sight for all people who love good music this week as old ‘bald as a babies bum’ Phil (no hit since 1989 )Collins picked up an Oscar for his ‘musical fart’ of a song ‘You’ll Be In My Heart’ which is part of the new Tarzan sound track.

This is a clever trick that any fading ‘pop legend’ seems very good at pulling off these days. Just look at my old buddy Elton John, who was a popular as ‘Hitler’ six years ago soon made millions off the back of that Disney classic ‘The Lion King’.

Watch out for other ‘has beens’ who quickly realise their careers are going slowly towards the scrap yard, and suddenly start picking up Oscars for any old Disney cartoon. I’m looking at you Gary Barlow. I won’t be at all surprised if you came back with the theme tune to a new Disney cartoon called ‘A fat Untalented Prick’.