Next Update Fri 7th April 2000
Issue 16 - Updated : 31.3.2000
P U F F Y T H E G A N G L A N D S L A Y ER. . .
Looks like all hell kicked off again this week with my favourite pop couple Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez.
It all took place on the set of Lopez's new film The Wedding Planner when Puff caught Lopez kissing her co-star Mathew McConaughey in her trailer. Apparently Puff blew his top just as Mathew was about to have his top blown. Lopez claimed they were only rehearsing from the script. All Puff could say was BullShit ! BullShit ! (Earlier Puff had caused a security alert on set when he turned up unannounced claming he wanted to see Lopez before she began shooting on set.)
Personally I dont believe that Lopez was rehearsing a kissing scene with her co-star in her trailer at all.
It reminded me of the time when I walked in on my wife Tina rehearsing a Blow Job scene with a young actor from the local Amateur Dramatics Society.
A week later I went to see the play and was angry by the clear lack of a Blow Job Scene in Jack In The Bean Stalk. Apparently after much rehearsing the director had decided to cut the scene a week earlier.
S O R E T H R O A T . . .
Poor old Whitney Houston was once again smack bang in the middle of a drugs storm. Apparently, she was fired by legendary song writer Burt Bacharach after a string of disastrous rehearsals for the Oscars awards show in L.A on Sunday.
Whitney repeatedly did a good impression of a singing baboon that had been fed on nothing but nose candy all weekend.
Bacharach was furious with Whitney, who kept having to stop singing to go and powder her nose. Houstons spokesman furiously denied the stories suggesting that Whitney was so out of it she didnt even know where she was, or indeed who she was. (To producer : Do you know who I am?).
Apparently the reason why Whitney kept singing the wrong words to the wrong song was because she had a sore throat.
Well, I cant wait for the next time I go down with a sore throat, because as anyone who knows anything about drugs will tell you, a sore throat is street slang for a kilo of Heroin.
Watch out for other top pop stars who claim to be ill but are really bombed off their tits.
Remember when Ricky Martin pulled out of the Grammys due to a cold? Well a cold dear readers is slang for two crack pipes and a bag of speed.
No wonder hes always dancing like a monkey in a tumble drier.
O L D F A R T S . . .
News reaches me this week of what could possibly be one of the greatest clubs of all time. Its called The Harington Club and is owned by none other than two legendary big nosed granddads Ronnie Wood and Rod Stewart.
Word has it that Ronnie and Rod were sick of being seen as two old fashioned sexist pigs and wanted to show their appreciation to all hard working women in the world.
The club will be one of the biggest lap dancing clubs of all time.
Rod n Ronnie both hand picked the chicks themselves, and the club has a very small membership consisting of two big nosed wrinkly perverts who needed somewhere to go late at night.
S I S T E R S . . .
Just when I got bored of playing dodge the cars with my young nephew, up pops a new pop sensation from Australia in the form of Sister2Sister. I bet you cant guess what this hot pop group are all about. Well, let me tell you.
Theyre sisters, and theres two of them. Genius isnt it? (It reeks of incest, which is all part of the appeal, l think).
They are currently on tour with Five, and Im pretty sure they dont have any trouble getting on to the lads tour bus.
In fact, they probably have more trouble leaving the sex wagon on wheels than any of the lads close friends or family. And I'm pretty sure the sexy sisters had a pretty tough audition which consisted of no singing, but an awful lot of peeling the pink banana and a new game called spin the beaver.
Sister2Sister is out on April the 10th. Its called Sister. Its shit.
L O V E I N B R I T N E Y S T R E N C H E . . .
Rumours from the Britney camp have recently confirmed that she is to move to within close proximity of a certain prince of england.
The ongoing speculation of a love affair has never been more heated, the Spears camp are typically guarded lest this become a matter of national security.
Backstage at a recent 'performance' by a 'semi-famous popular beat combo' attended by most of the industry, Britney was allegedly heard to announce that there may well already be a hollow trench connecting the two residences meaning that any meetings can happen without the prying eyes and ears of the press.
Miss Spears then went on to say that William "tries to get into my trench as many times a day as he can" but he is "still relatively inexperienced at it".
Later on after 3 bottles of Moet she (ahem) trustingly told a select group of industry types that "the only problem with William using my trench is that I dont always know when he's coming"...
All of this will be proved in due course no doubt.
G L A S T O N B U R Y . . .
Its only just gone March, but already every bored Hippie in the land is looking forward to that peasants circus that is Glastonbury festival 2000.
This week Michael Eavis announced that the festival centre piece would be a spectacular new Pyramid stage 100 feet high and clad in Dazzling Silver.
Well, Im pretty sure that almost everything those drugged up thieving gypsies will see that weekend will be 100 foot high and dazzling Michael, so dont you worry.
Mr Eavis also boasts of the festival's biggest ever line up, ( Will Madona be there ?) but Im pretty sure that once PC Hill turns up on site, the whole of the Somerset Police Force will also be looking forward to their biggest ever line up.
Thats what I love about the Glastonbury festival. You get a whole cross section of society. Theres always a whole cultural mixture of nomads. From drug dealers, to benefit fraudsters, to illegal immigrants. Theyre all having the time of their lives and enjoying time away from their river boats. And in keeping with the whole anti-capitalist theme, main tickets will cost no less than £87.
Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it you crazy freaks.
F I V E A L I V E . . .
Looks as if boy band Five are in turmoil again this week, after group leader Scott Robinson tried to sneak his girlfriend Kerry on to their tour bus after a recent gig at Wembley Arena.
However, good old lover boy was stopped in his tracks by the other singing hairdressers who reminded him of the groups strict No girlfriends on the tour bus rule.
Apparently, Scott tried in vein to get Kerry onto the bus, but she was kept at bay by the busty blond coach driver who the lads call Terry. Once the boys realised that their cover was about to be blown they confronted Scott and lets just say the shit hit the fan. Apparently this was not the first time the shit had hit the fan on the tour bus
Only two weeks ago one of the boys was humping a teenage fan from Nottingham in the port-a-loo when the bus was hit by a huge lorry carrying fresh silage.
B R I T N E Y S G A S H . . .
Once again it is my sad duty to report another celebrity accident.
Hot on the heels of Claire from steps twisting her ankle last week, I can now report on a terrible accident that involved our favourite singing Tits Britney Spears.
News reaches me that our guiding light and saviour was badly injured whilst filming her new video for her forth coming single Oops I Did It Again.
Britney suffered a bad case of concussion after being hit on the head by a workman's tool, resulting in a large cut that needed nine stitches.
Mind the jumper
Or could it be hes taken up juggling and is waiting for the much needed dosh to come in from Singapore Airlines
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