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 N E W B E G I N I N G S . . .
Can I just say that I know we take the piss every week. I know we pick on pop stars because they are an easy target. We’re bitter men. But this week all this will change.
No more cheap jokes at the expense of Britney, Elton, Steps or George Michael.
 Those days have gone. We want to show a new and more caring side to our small army of readers. So ‘Ken’ and ‘Sophie’ from Bournemouth, welcome to a new era for all of us here at ‘Insiders’.
Let’s start with the heart rending story this week of that legend of British pop Sir Paul McCartney and his new found love in the shape of model Heather Mills.
As we all know Sir ‘Macca’ lost his beloved wife Linda to breast cancer nearly two years ago. Now that he’s come to terms with his grief, Heather has helped bring some sun shine into his life.
Heather her self is no stranger to pain and sorrow. She lost her left leg in a road accident in 1993.
From all of us here we wish them the best of luck…………..No I can’t do it !
I can’t be serious. It’s just stupid. Macca is shagging a one legged donkey!! Come on!!!!
I’m told he met her in a pub one night whilst she was ‘legless’. Not so much a case of ‘I Saw Here Standing There’, more a case of ‘I saw Her Propped up over There’.
Apparently on their first night of love Macca asked Heather to spread her legs.
He then went to get some wine, but when he returned he found Heather had indeed spread her legs. One was on the bed, the other was on top of the wardrobe. ‘I didn’t mean that wide!!’ cried a shocked McCartney.
 H O R S E O F T H E Y E A R . . .
Last week I took the piss out of Billie’s new grown up image. Well, I made a terrible mistake.
It reminded me of the mistake I made whilst attending a ‘Transsexual’ fashion show in Paris two years ago. Don’t want to go in to details, but lets just say once back at the hotel I found that what I thought was a ‘Michelle’ was in fact a ‘Michael’.
Anyway, lets cut the crap. Billie is looking fantastic in her new video ‘Night And Day’.
Gone are her Horse Of The Year looks, which have now been replaced by a new ‘ Sexy Pony’ image. I bet you’re all expecting me to make a cheap joke about being ‘tossed off’ whilst ‘riding a pony’. Well there’s nothing to worry about since those days have gone.
I’m proud to admit that I’ve been wanking ‘Night And Day’ non stop whilst watching Billie’s new video. That’s no joke.
 O U R S P I C E . . .
 Rumours from inside the confines of the Spice Girls recording studio suggests that in more light-hearted moments, away from the serious business of creating the closest thing to audio horseshit the music industry will ever have heard, the girls have 'jokingly' played with album titles such as;
- B*witched or be dead.
- Headbutt an Irish slut.
- Stick your denim troosers up yer skinny maypole dancin' arse.
The girls it seems had unwisely let the assistant engineer remain in the control room after a particularly lengthy 58 hour session adjusting Posh Spices' voice to sound remotely human or at least in tune.
The very same engineer went on to tell the Fat Producer in (ahem) confidence that the actual reason why Becks cut all of his hair off was that apparently in photographs Posh complained of being 'hidden' behind strands of the free-kickers hairdo. This will all be proved in due course no doubt.
The Fat Producer
 O U T O F S T E P . . .
 I read this week that one of the most beautiful woman in the world was involved in a serious injury whilst hob nobbing with her pop buddies at the weekend.
Yep looks as if Step’s beauty Claire Richards was clearly ‘out of step’ when she slipped in London’s Titanic bar and went arse over tits whilst pissed out of her mind.
Poor Claire was rushed to hospital where doctors spent six hours examining her. They then decided to put her clothes back on and wait for the anesthetic to wear off.
Once Claire recovered she was apparently furious with doctors as they were only suppose to examine her head for bumps. The doctors involved yesterday admitted they misunderstood ambulance men who told them to look for ‘two large lumps’, and also ‘check out how fit her body was’.
 U2 C A N L I V E I N D U B L I N . . .
 Talking of slimy monkeys, U2 were given the freedom of Dublin last Saturday. Once again Bono used this massive publicity stunt to speak more ‘up me arsehole’ bollocks.
He told the 11,000 strong audience : ’We come from a tribe of refugees and now it’s our turn to welcome the refugees".
Most of the crowd thought Bono’s words were ill chosen, especially as the ceremony was being broadcast live across Romania and northern Yugoslavia.
Needless to say for the past week Dublin has seen a massive influx of ‘tourists’ who knew when they ‘arrived’, but couldn’t remember when they were due to ‘leave.’
 S U B L I M I N A L M E S S A G E S . . .
Just as Elton John turned his ‘talents’ to the world of animation last week, up pops ‘classically trained’ actor Lemmy.
Yep, this week Lemmy revealed he is to appear in a film based on the infamous Judas Priest court case that occurred after the parents of Raymond Belknap alleged subliminal messages on the song ‘Better By You, Better By Me’ caused the teenager to make a suicide pact with pal James Vance.
 The friends shot each other and Vance survived. Later he claimed they were told to kill themselves in a hidden incantation on the ‘Stained Class’ LP which could only be heard when the record was played backwards.
Obviously not a comedy then.
Christ! Lemmy’s gonna have his work cut out!! However, this is not the first time a record containing subliminal messages has led to a listeners suicide.
In 1981 two ‘Bucks Fizz’ fans set themselves on fire after playing ‘Making Your Mind Up’ backwards. Apparently the words ‘I’m Cheryl Baker. I’m the Devil. Burn Burn, Burn’ could clearly be heard.
Not so shocking were the deaths of four young Genesis fans who killed themselves after listening to the 1992 album ‘We Can’t Dance’. There were no subliminal messages on it. It was just so shit they couldn’t believe it, so they shot themselves.
 L I T T L E T O S S E R S . . .
For the last three weeks I’ve been warning you about a come back that is more scary than the time a fan asked Marc Almond for a video of his infamous ‘come back’ performance. Needless to say the video contained Marc giving a very heart felt ‘performance’ with a lot of ‘backs’ and……..well you can guess the rest.
Yes, Hanson are back. This week I spoke exclusively to the ‘little shits’ from their own swimming pool in Bridge Water.
‘We decided we needed a break after everything went crazy with our last album. So we took two months off.’
Two months? You little ferrets haven’t done anything for three years!!! More like you sat and cried yourselves to sleep every night as you wondered why you were now as popular as a fart in a broken down lift.
Your new single ‘If Only’ is out later this month. May your nuts get caught in a rusty iron door and you never sing another note again.
 S M A S H I T . . .
 Poor old Westlife have been pouring their little hearts out over just how ‘tough’ life was before they conned every 13 year old girl in the country into buying their music.
Over weight Bryan McFadden told anyone who’d listen that he nearly ‘died’ whilst working for MacDonalds. (No he didn’t eat a ‘McFillet o’ Fish’, but who’s to bet that he won’t be back there in two years time).
"These animals tried to force the door open and I grabbed one of them by the neck. Then one of them smashed a bottle and threw it at me. It hit the wall next to my head. I had a very lucky escape."
Your story filled me with great sorrow. Sorrow for the bottle. It was wasted. Had it hit you right between the eyes your story would of filled me with great cheer. Oh well, I’m sure there’ll be another ‘Smash Hit’ heading your way one of these days, so I’m not too bothered.
 D E A D E N D . . .
Looks as if Robbie has even more to celebrate this week with news that his tune ‘Angels’ is top of the list of songs played at peoples funerals. Other songs included on the list are ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion, and ‘Candle In The Wind’ by old ‘Dick Stroker’ himself .
However, I feel that this list is so yawnfully boring that I decided to give you my own Top 10 ‘Funeral Anthems’…
Another One Bites The Dust (Queen)
Tramp The Dirt Down (Elvis Costello)
Down, Down, Deeper Down (Status Quo)
The Final Count Down (Europe)
Digging In The Dirt (Peter Gabriel)
Exit Music (RadioHead)
You Say It Best (When You Say Nothing At All) (Ronan Keating)
Ashes To Ashes (David Bowie)
Lift Me Up (Geri Haliwell)
Living In A Box (Living In A Box)
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Monkey Juice
What is it with Mick Fucking Hucknall? This guy looks as if he should be working in a special ‘Ginger Kebab House’ with all the slimy eels in the world of pop.
However, this week (whilst having a break from singing like a smug hyena that’s just had his hairy nuts massaged with special ‘monkey juice’) he announces that he is now playing ‘hide the snake’ with another sex monkey in the form of Melanie Sykes.
If any readers know Mick’s secret art of seduction please write to us and let us know. I’ve got my own art of seduction, but it involves ‘tablets’ and ‘memory loss’. It’s also highly illegal, but that’s all part of the turn on.
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Chocopops
The so called lamented demise of crowd-pulling UK guitar bands has seen teen pop acts catapulted to the top of the live arena stakes. So instead of traditional lager, bullish security and nose to elbow standing room, arenas now have to get in the chocolate, pop corn and candy floss. This is of course just for the mums and dads.
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Per-suede-d
Good news for music lovers every where. Bernard Butler is giving up music. Thank the Lord above! We can now look forward to a summer free from him popping up at every festival and trying to sing with his weak rats piss of a voice.
Apparently his decision was pretty easy to make as he is now without a record deal due to the collapse of Creation last year. Added to this was the fact that his last album ‘Friends And Lovers’ went down as well as ‘The Black ‘n’ White Minstrels’ appearance at The Notting Hill Carnival in 1976.
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Bare Back Billie
No, no, no. Looks as if Billie has finally found a ‘rider’ who will be all to happy to ‘polish her saddle’ for as long as she wants, because news reaches me that she is to get married.
I know that I’ve ‘touched on her before’ on this very page, but obviously that new sexy image is working wonders. She will marry ‘singing car salesman’ Richie Neville of boy band Five later this year. They were both spotted this week showing off their £5,000 matching gold ‘rings of love’.
The last time Richie had a ‘ring’ on his finger was at Gay Pride 2 years ago. And it wasn’t gold.
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Twitney
Poor old Whitney Houston is obviously more of a ‘dope donkey’ than any of us could of imagined. Recently she took to the stage and announced "Good evening Spain", which would have been fine had she actually been in Spain. Unfortunately for old Whitters she was in Lisbon which as we all know is in Portugal.
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Rubber bits
Looks as if old ‘rubber bits’ Mick Jagger has now recovered from bangin’ everything in a dress or trousers, and finally settled down with a new bird in the shape of 28 year old Ortensia Visconti.
Friends say that the former Stone and Ortensia are ‘very close’, but then again old Dick Dagger loves to be as close to any female as humanly possible.
But please be careful Ortensia, especially if he announces he’s got to go and buy some lamb chops at three in the morning and then comes back complaining that he’s not up too much because he suddenly feels a bit ‘shagged out’.
PS : Do not book any holidays together anywhere in Sweden. Especially near any girls schools as Mick loves to teach PE with all the pupils whilst getting as much ‘hands on’ experience as possible.
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Pop wars
Looks like Mel B will need to churn out another solo hit to satisfy ex-husband Jimmy "Goldcard’ Gulzar. Not content with the settlement offered by Scary in January, Jim is now holding out for £3 million. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. See my tears.
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Awards
It seems the phrase "there are some things money can’t buy" won’t apply to the MOBO awards as Brits sponsors MasterCard sign up to a three-year deal for the five year old event.
And on a related note, the shortlist for the new Classical Brits has been announced. Be assured that Insiders will be on the spot to cover any interesting Charlotte Church activities on the night.
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Heir Fuller
S Club 7’s meteoric rise is set continue with sales of their 1st TV series to nearly 100 countries. Heir Fuller’s strategy looks well on the road to success. Oh well.
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