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 W H E N T W O T O Y S G O T O W A R . . .
 This is fab!!!
Two of Pops best loved music toys go to war. We’re all gagging to see the actual event, but my question is will Liam, twat Fat dancer Robbie Williams, or is it all more Oasis Hot Air?
The Gallagher Puppets are savage because Robbie hit back to Noel's comment - “Robbie was the Fat Dancer from Take That” - by sending them a funeral wreath.
The massive £100 arrangement of white roses and lilies was sent via the Sun Newspaper as an insult to the Gallaghers and the new Oasis album.
With the wreath came a card, on the card was a message: 'To Noel Gallagher. R.I.P. Heard your latest album – with deepest sympathy, Robbie Williams.'
Robbie bought a bootleg copy at a London market and said of the album "Noel's run out of other people's ideas."
Now Liam wants to break Robbies nose. Can’t wait! |
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Dropping Suit
I bet George Michael is breathing a huge sigh of relief this week after the L.A cop Marcelo Rodriguez announced he was dropping his £20 million lawsuit against him. Once George had calmed down (he thought the cop was ‘dropping his suit’ for £20 million) he was happy to tell friends he was glad not to have to go into the witness box, as it probably ‘wouldn’t stand up in court’. Ho, Ho, Ho. Copyright :Jimmy Tarbuck 1963.
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Puffy The Gangland Slayer
Will Twat Daddy never learn ? Just when he thought he had made friends with the Judge - by persuading him to change the hearing date so he could attend the Grammy celebrations - old 'Puffy' Pants' gets all fucked up by having further charges issued against him.
Allegedly Twat Man tried to bribe his bodyguard to tell police that the gun found in the car belonged to him and not Puffy. Apparently, whilst being nicked, inside the police station Puffy offered him $50,000 plus a chunky diamond ring to do this dastardly deed.
Poor old Puffy told the press that the New York DA had timed the charges just to embarrass him on Grammy day. Puffy the gangland slayer also said that ''from the outset I have firmly believed that the Manhattan District Attorneys office has unfairly targeted me for baseless charges.''
Likewise Puffy was also unfairly targeted for a Grammy nomination...Who where they kidding (Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group) fortunately truth prevailed and Puffy didn’t get his gong.
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Keep fit
Trouble has hit the new keep fit video by pop legend Kylie Minogue. The video was to be titled ‘Artistic Home Aerobics’. However, after a mistake at the printing factory, Kylie was left looking red faced as she tried to promote her new video ‘Autistic Homophobics’. Her spokeswoman said her appearance at this years’ Gay Pride was not in jeopardy.
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Northen Line
I had a horrible vision before me when I heard new boy band ‘Northern Line’ and their new single "Love on The Northern line".
It was horrible. It brought back visions of my own Mother dressed in leather outside Charing Cross tube station in 1978, where every Friday night she would offer any man ‘Love on the Northern Line’ for £15.
My Mother still won’t say who my father is. Suffice to say once he’d seen her ‘Covent Garden’ he didn’t want to wait around to see her ‘Clapham Junction’.
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Spice Bikes
Good news for haters of over spiced product...The downfall of the loveable Girly traitors has well and truly begun.
In the first of a long line of legal battles (we all hope) the Spice Girls have lost their case with Italian scooter manufacturers Aprilia.
All five girls signed a marketing deal with the company back in 1998 and Aprilia claimed that Halliwell's departure caused a massive 'marketing disaster'.
The brains behind the fashionable Italian scooter company thought a new scooter model called 'Sonic Spice' with images of all five Spice Girls was a good idea. Obviously not as it turned out, but I don’t think it was all down to Geri’s departure.
Aprillia have been awarded £434,000 plus costs by a London court - the final figure is estimated at around £1m.
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Moter Mouth
Poor old Lemmy cooked up more bollocks than Delia Smith in a vasectomy clinic in this months issue of ‘Old Gits Weekly.’
Trying to get out of that controversial nutshell ‘Neo-Nazism’ Lemmy began sinking quicker than the Rolley Polleys on a lilo in a pool of quick sand.
‘The only reason they (Nazi’s) made it was Hitler. The day after he shot himself they sued for peace. I don’t believe they killed as many people as they did. Six million’s a lot of people, man. Four camps in Poland did all the killing. I really don’t know. I have no frame of reference. There are photographs, but anyone can make photographs. You can fake anything. I think half of it’s true and half of it isn’t.’
Thanks for clearing that one up Lemmy. Not a Nazi. Just a clever and intelligent man. I’m surprised that Amnesty International have not replied to your job application.
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 C A T W A L K . . .
Oh God, it looks as if the world of pop is taking over the world of fashion after recent cat walk appearances by Boyzone, The Rolling Stones kids, and Posh Spice.
Guess who was in the front row for these ‘fashion performances’? Yep…None other than those filthy monkies Mick Hucknell, Jim Corr, Mick Jagger, and Bono.
All hell let loose as Mr Jagger (who’d had been suffering from ‘chest complaints’ throughout the performance. He was ‘complaining’ that he couldn’t see enough ‘chests’) had to be restrained after trying to personally thank the models back stage.
As for Mick Hucknell, he was seen with ‘hand in pocket’ throughout the whole show (He was trying to find his ‘polos’ apparently).
Worse was to come when Jim Corr was caught wanking over ‘the young Irish model with the gypsy whistle in her mouth’. He probably would of got away with it, had the ‘model’ in question not been his younger sister Andrea.
Stephen from Boyzone was also caught ‘red handed’ during the show, although strangely it was during the mens swim wear section.
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 F U L L E R S Y O U T H . . .
Heir Fuller's obsession to create the ultimate denomination has taken another step forward. He has won £6m in backing to launch a global pop website for children aged between eight and 14 and his latest social virus - disguised as S Club 7 - have secured an immense merchandising deal with PMS. This deal will see Fullers Aryan Youth pictured on thousands of children’s products around the World.
 Not content with the damage The Spice Girls caused to British music, Heir Fuller is now attempting global infiltration.
This time, by seeding his creations in the US Fuller hopes to overcome the problems he encountered getting the Americans fully contaminated by the Spice Girls.
Already he’s off to a good start...Fuller's Youth are currently recording their new TV series in Los Angeles and have already infiltrated the homes of many vulnerable families.
I know we live in a -so called- free society and everyone is entitled to make their own choices, but I believe it would be a safer place if all Fullers' products where issued with a mental health warning.
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 T H E G R A N N Y S . . .
Once again The Grammys ceremony did a very good impression of an old peoples home, as one by one the ‘living dead’ got up to accept their medals for "Music that wasn’t selling, so we gave it a Grammy" and hey presto! Santana’s got a hit album again.
Just as our Brits attract more has beens than an ‘Audience with Bob Monkhouse’ the Yanks also have their own tedious ‘I love Lucy’ award show.
I mean come on! Santana won eight (Yes Eight!) awards for his latest album ‘Wanking With My Guitar’. This donkey should by rights be giving music lessons to poor Mexican children on the streets of…Mexico City, not collecting awards for making music that sounds like a ‘Milli Vanilli backing tape’.
Then there’s Sting whose new album ‘Brand New Day’ has sold as well as reading glasses in a shop for the blind.
However, as soon as A&M Records realised he was as popular as a kebab van at a Jewish festival of light, out came the bribes, and wash my balls with battery acid he’s won ‘Pop Vocal’ award.
(P.S. Sting is always going on about ‘Tantric Sex’ but I’ve discovered a new kind of sex : ‘Titanic Sex’. Just when it looks as if your ‘ship’ is running out of ‘steam’ knock your bird around the chops with a huge block of ice, and Bingo! you’ve got yourself a ‘Sex Life Raft’ for the night, and you don’t even have to blow it up!)
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 CLUB THE CULPRITS . . .
Welcome to the creation of crap content for a crap society.
The UK club culture is getting geared up for yet another summer season of love, sex, drugs and dance. This annual migration to the sun has already provoked the production of a string of repetitive, soundalike club anthems.
For the past few years Ibiza has been the hot place to be and be seen. For Tracy, Sharon, Mark and Steve (from Bolton) I’m sure it will be again this year, but what about Thailand? -You know the Beach and all that- Yup. Thailand is tipped to be the next club paradise, so what should we expect?
In a nutshell... exactly the same as we saw from Ibiza: Tits, Arse, Bollocks, Twat DJs who think they’re good, Puke and Thick people. True all this might have a slight Eastern feel, but be sure it will be accompanied by the relentless flow of crap compilation CDs and cheap tele.
Why I hear you cry ???
Record companies don’t need to sign long term deals with Artists who make music when they can exploit wannabe, bedroom jockies. (The music might be crap, but when you’re out your face and desperate for a shag who gives a fuck).
TV producers needn’t spend a fortune on real actors when they can persuade a handful of slappers and wankers to behave like such dicks that it makes uncomfortable, but compulsive late night viewing. Oh and some people think they want it. That's why.
Image from Deep Insider at http://www.eGroups.com/list/ihatesteps |
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 B O T T O M B E A T E R . . .
Someone who caused much ‘controversy’ at the Grammy awards was good old ‘bottom beater’ Elton John. Sir Elton whipped up a storm by joking ? he’d ‘slept with all the boy bands.’
He even went on to announce that the ‘Backstreet Boys can sing their arses off’. I bet they can Elton!
However, I’m pretty sure that they were doing everything but ‘singing’ when you turned up in their dressing room pissed as a fart, naked with a whip shouting ‘Every time I crack my whip, you must whip my crack.’
Apparently when he heard the Back Street Boys were back in town, he thought they were his very special ‘Backsteet Boys’ from Thailand, not the all singing all dancing American boy band, and even though Elton was not complaining, there were a lot of red faces (and bottoms) around.
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 C H U R C H B A N D . . .
 Dear oh dear ! Looks as if Charlotte Church’s ex manager Jonathan Shalit has found a new teenage bottom to sink his teeth into, as his new Boy band 3SL are presented to the world of ‘underage’ pop.
3SL already have a very good pop link, their sister is the georous Steps star Lisa Scott-Lee.
We caught up with Lisa and broke the news that her brothers would be following her with a job in the music industry.
Obviously Lisa didn’t quite understand because all she said was ‘I’m very happy that Steve and Scott have found a job in the industry . Our Price will be great work experience.’
A further blow to 3SL is the fact that Mr. Shalit still hasn’t recovered from losing the talents of Charlotte Church.
Steve told me, ‘Mr. Shalit is O.K, but he’s always dressing us up like Charlotte. We keep telling him we’re boys, but all we get is make-up and skirts to wear. It’s as if he’s trying to turn us into three little Churches, but we’re blokes!’.
These claims were backed up by the announcement yesterday that their first single will be a moving rendition of ‘The Lord’s My Shepherd’. The single will also feature remixes by DJ’s ‘Mathew, Luke and John’.
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 H I G H F L Y E R . . .
Don’t look now but as I warned you Madonna is once again acting like an O.A.P at the Ministry Of Sound as she tries to convince the readers of Mix Mag just how ‘with it‘ she is even though she is the age of most readers parents.
She pipes up with a couple of ‘groovy’ quotes this week that I am only too happy to translate :
Madonna : "My DJ friends throw things my way and my best friend owns a club, so I have access to lots of DJs and remixers."
Translation : ‘My DJ friends (DLT and Bruno Brookes) throw things at me. My best friend owns a club (Terry Butterworth. His Club is ‘Golden Nights’ just opposite the BHS in Swansea). He has access to Mobile Discos and knows some good paint strippers.’
Madonna : "I go to Urban Outfitters every weekend to hear what’s going on. I suppose I do miss the thing where you’re just out on the dance floor and you’re just one member of a big anonymous mass."
Translation : ‘I go to Urban Knitters every weekend to try things on. I suppose I do miss the thing where you go out on the dance floor, do the fox trot, the Charleston and wiggle my big old enormous ass.’
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B R I T S T A R S . . .
Well, well, well it’s that time of year again folks - the Brits. This ‘musical extravaganza’ will be as exciting as counting trees in the woods.
Why do the same old gits always get away with being nominated? Look who’s up for best male this year…
Sting! David Bowie! Van Morrison! Tom Jones! These people can remember when the first steam engine was invented! If they do win anything they’re gonna need a stair lift to get up on the stage! This awards ceremony is gonna look like a repeat of ‘Dad’s Army’ from 1972.
I’m only gonna tune in to see if Geri’s rubber beaver melts under the hot studio lights covering the stage in a horrible sticky goo which slowly starts filling the whole of Earls Court. I can just see Elton John slowly drowning and shouting out ‘I’m drowning-quickly throw me a buoy’. ‘But Elton, Adam Rickett left hours ago!’. Ho ho ho!
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 B R I T S C O C K P I T . . .
Lord, oh lord, just when I was wondering how to tell my Mother her beloved dog ‘Spot’ had now turned into ‘Splat’ after I walked him slightly too close to the main road, up pops good old Britney Spears who always manages to ‘raise’ a laugh, but unfortunately not a dog from the grave.
Britney (wearing nothing more than trousers, a jacket, and shoes in this weeks pop mag ‘No Pubes Yet ‘) confesses yet more tour secrets. This week she tells us how ‘pop star’ ‘H’ from Steps kept being car sick whilst on tour with Britters in the States. She announced: "He used to be sick on their tour bus almost everyday when we were touring together. I felt sorry for him so I invited him to travel on my Jet".
I bet H was running all the way to the runway! And I bet he creamed his pink trousers when Britney told him "No ones been in my cock-pit yet, do you want to come have a ride? The entrance is a bit of a tight squeeze, but once you're in it should be quite comfortable. I hope we don’t have a problem with my leaky wings. One of the flaps came off last week, there was fluid everywhere!".
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