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Boys Bitching
Looks like a huge war of words is about to break out between Robbie Williams and Oasis. I think Oasis were obviously rattled by Robbie selling out Slane Castle, whilst Oasis would now have trouble selling out a ‘sand castle’.

Noel let rip this week by announcing that Robbie was nothing more than a "Fat dancer from Take That. Someone who danced for a living. Stick to what you’re good at".

Why Noel doesn’t stick to what he’s ‘good at’? Working out the chord charts to The Wombles back catalogue, and loft conversions.

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Royal Stalk
I hear that Prince William has all of a sudden started staying house bound, and glaring through his ‘golden windows’ because his new neighbour is soon to be none other than our Britney.

Obviously Britney felt that the ‘Brick Lane estate in Clapham’ was not to her liking, so she chose a massive mansion right next to ‘King Willie’ in Wiltshire.

I’ve got a horrible feeling that the terms ‘fox’ and ‘hosing down the barn doors’ will have added meaning to both Wills and Charles once they work out which one of the windows belongs to her bathroom.

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Ginger Nuts
Well, well, well if it ain’t old ‘Ginger Nuts’ Mick Hucknall once again caught perving in some tacky strip joint.

Photos showed old Dick Twister looking like a drugged up fox who’s just seen his ‘badger’ for the night. The club stage was decked out as a massive dart board, and I’m sure whilst Mick had his eyes on some ‘double top’ action, the stripper was probably wondering if Mick’s tiny ‘dart’ would leave a large ‘prick’ in her ‘bulls eye’.

These questions were soon forgotten, when back stage, ‘Ginger Prick Mick’ cornered her and promptly dropped his trousers. 'How’s about it baby ?' begged the singer. ‘Not tonight love, I’m allergic to tangerines’ was her instant reply.

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Puff
Look as if things are looking all rosy again for Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez. They were spotted looking like two sex puppies on heat whilst shopping in L.A this week. The only time Jennifer looked worried was when Puff announced his plans for a ‘Shot Gun wedding’.

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Baby Boom
Just when you thought that Gary Barlow couldn’t sing for toffee, (even though judging by his waist line it looks as if he clearly has been) he has finally managed to ‘shoot to the top’ again because his wife Dawn is now expecting a baby later this year. (Whether or not it’s his, Gary could not confirm)

Gary said "I knew the year 2000 would bring great things and here's the proof!"

Now all you need is for one of your records to get past number 78 in the charts and you’ll be in heaven.

Gary will have no shortage of baby sitters as I’m sure he still has Jason’s, Mark’s and Howard’s phone numbers. However, don’t rule out Robbie having a better looking, more charming and popular baby by the end of the year.

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Call the Porter
The once very shagable but now drabby “TOTP Host” Gail Porter has announced that cheeky robbers raided her house and used her car as a getaway motor.
The articulate TV presenter stated "They broke into my home and nicked everything, everything!" she said. "The TV, the video, my computer—and they used my car! Would you believe it. They drove the stuff away in my car!”

"I blagged this new job with Channel 4 on Friday nights called ‘That Internet Show’. I know nothing about the web so thought I'd race home do some surfing.
That's when I discovered my computer and all my Britney Dolls had been nicked."

Apart from all the TV offers and on-going commitments Gail has been asked to appear in a film staring Gordon Kennedy called The Great Bear...Yes I can see it now. A black comedy featuring a bunch of terminally ill patients and Gail Porter projected onto the ward wall to cheer them up. Go for it Gail!

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T W I N S E T . . .
Readers please don’t get this months copies of ‘Mix Mag’ and ‘Reader’s Digest’ mixed up whilst browsing in WHSmiths.

Both publications feature old women in ‘Twin Sets’ on their front covers.

One is Lynn from Stockport who talks about her ’10 day menopause’ and the other one is Madonna, who mouths off about ‘Raving and Me’.

I think someone should have a quiet word with old Madds as she seems to be jumping on more wagons than a ‘pissed up cowboy who’s just struck gold’.

Look love, how do I put it ? You’re not the ‘freshest turkey in the butcher’s window’ any more are you? You’re beginning to look a bit like Mother Teresa when she turned up at ‘Gay Pride’ that year. Please stop trying to be all ‘cool and with it man’.

You have done about as much for dance music as Black Lace have done for heavy metal. Go back to being a pop icon, and not some desperate animal who’s dying to be shot with the bullet of credibility. Anyone who sang ‘Hanky Panky’ lost all hope of that years ago.

P L A S T I C C O P Y . . .

Looks like Christina Aguilera’s smash hit ‘What a Girl Wants’ isn’t quite the original piece of pop genius she’d led everyone to believe.

Just like her, it is in fact a plastic copy and was actually written by some ‘never been’ Ophelle in 1998.

Christina told anyone who’d listen that the song was ‘pulled from the soul in my heart, it deals with all kinds of issues’.

I’m pretty sure what you mean Christina is that it was ‘pulled from the bottom of a second hand music store in Italy’, and the only issues it will now be addressing will be strictly copyright ones.

R O C K O F F . . .
Big sobs go out to all Festival Organisers who are finding it more costly and more difficult to secure Big Rock names for their annual summer camp line-ups.

According to event spokeswoman Clare Craven this is due to the lack of new product (albums) from todays' bigger named Rock Deities.

What this means is that apart from Steps, SClub 7, Britney, Aqua, and the other assortment of Boy / Girl pop bands there are fewer artists willing to take the stage with their unrehearsed, alternative song and dance rituals.

Even with the promise of new material coming from Radiohead and Richard Ashcroft, it's unlikely the musical mangle will get its creative shit together in time for the festval marketing machine to get fully charged. This machine is an essential element needed to fool potential punters into believing there's something worthwhile on offer this year.

Last week it was rumoured that (Big Brothers) Oasis are to receive £2.5m to perform their "Trip to the past" stage show at the Leeds and Reading festivals.

G I R L F R I E N D . . .
Man o’ man. Just when I’d stopped believing in miracles, up pops St. Cliff Richard with……wait for it …..a girlfriend.

So who’s the lucky girl I hear you cry? Well she’s none other than some old PR lag Karon Maskill. And judging by the photos I can see why old Cliff is so attracted to her. It’s because she looks exactly like John the Baptist did when he dressed up in a blond wig and stilettos at Jesus’ last supper (piss up) some 2,000 years ago.

I bet Cliff is now making up for lost time due to his 30 years in ‘virgin territory’ and having to make do with an over blown sex toy. (His ‘living doll’).

A spokeswoman yesterday tried to deny the story, but judging by the sound of animals ‘a’ barking’ and Cliff ‘a screamin’ from his hotel room, it looks as if Cliff is finally having a serious bite from a stoggy apple in the Garden of Eden. Yes, he’s finally found love in the form of ‘Adam and Eve’ rather than ‘Adam and Steve’.

P E A C E I N I R E L A N D . . .
The intensifying fracas between Nunny O'Connor and Smack face MacGowan provoked MacGowan to make plain that he has never liked the silly bitch.

On the other hand Sinead says it was her close alliance with old shit face that led her to grass him to the police in the first place.

From a translation of an interview on The Late Late Show, MacGowan told host Pat Kenny, "Myself and Sinead were never friends, I didn't like her anyway. She would do anything for a shag, or publicity, that's obvious."

Shane has threatened to sue Sinead for defamation after she 'shopped' him to police on possession of heroin charges. She then contacted Q Magazine in a vain attempt to make her case, viz: she put the police onto MacGowan in a fit of 'tough love', as she was worried about his health.

Yea!!! - John sends Love and so would we, if only we believed you were partially lucid.

S P O O K Y M A N S O N . . .
Marilyn Manson has been accursed by (Living-Dead Star) Alice Cooper as a plagerising Goth Rock ghoul , and intimates that Manson's shock stage show is nothing more than a re-hash of his own contentious theatrical antics.

Cooper said that Manson's demonic persona would be superseded by another aspirant. "It's all re-hashed. There will be another Ghoul band trying to do the same thing in a few years.

It all goes around and serves to relive history", said Cooper. "I get lots of bands tell me they are theatrical and ask them 'what's the music like?' Before you put the icing on the cake, you gotta have the cake. The music has to come first. I always tell people we spend 90 per cent of our time on the music and 10 per cent on the theatrics," he said.

We believe Marilyn should heed Cooper's advice as it is obvious from the string of recent Cooper hits that he knows what he’s talking about when it come to sustaining a career. However we would argue that a crap cake decorated with icing would sell more than a crap cake decorated with shit.

H I G H F L Y E R . . .
I’m pretty sure popcorn will be flying everywhere in cinemas all over the world later this year when good old ‘virgin beaver’ Britney Spears makes her acting debut in the film version of ‘Water Ship Down’.

Does Britney play a ‘deep and emotional’ role I hear you cry? (I know a lot of you sick perverts out there would just love to give Britney a ‘deep’ and ‘emotional’ ‘roll’) Of course she doesn’t! This is a film with Britney Spears in it. It’s hardly gonna be Schindler’s List is it!

No, my lovelies. Britney plays an air stewardess, and that in itself will have me at the front of the queue. Why the director needed to put a busty air stewardess in a serious film about the plight of a load of rabbits I’ll never know. But he obviously saw the need for her character to be there, covered in mud and water, handing out food in a tight skirt and boob tube to a bunch of dying animals.

The director is clearly thinking along the same lines as me. I can just hear Britney on set now : "Why am I dressed as an air stewardess when there’s not a plane insight?"…"Don’t worry love we’ll be air brushing it in later".

Q U E E N S O F P O P . . .
That dreadful boy band 5ive will be performing a Queen song at the Brit Awards and to make things worse the remaining Queens will be performing with them.

5ive star Ritchie Neville said: "The lads and I are so excited about performing at the Brits with Queen has beens.

We originally only asked for permission to do their song and before we knew it they took over and insisted they play with us.”

Apparently one of Brian May's kids is a 5ive fan and advised his Dad that this was the future and he might learn something from the experience to help his comeback. Watch this space...