ISSUE 58 January 26th 2001
		L U C K Y B A S T A R D S . . . I hate them, and you hate them, but those jammy bastards Westlife are once again heading straight back to the top of the charts with their cover of the Billy Joel classic ‘Up Town Girl’. This just can’t be happening! First they murder Phil Collins’ greatest ever love song ‘Against All Odds’, and now they’re turning Billy’s classic in to a kareeokee sing along. How have they got away with it for so long? They sound just like a bunch of virgin choirboys on heat, but they’ve still managed to work with some of the hottest beaver in town. I mean, I’d be happy to work with ’old dog’ Bonnie Tyler, let alone Mariah Carey! but now they’ve just finished a stint with Claudia Schiffer. All this and they look like a bunch of trainee British Gas engineers on a night out in Swindon. One of the little monkeys Mark told me: "I had of poster of Claudia on my bedroom wall for years. It’s nice for a poster to turn into real life. She might take me out for a few drinks". Umm, I’m sure Mark, and Swansea will win the Champions League next year, and Jesus will come back to hand out bread and fish in Asda. Get a grip! You thick doughnut. BEN