ISSUE 57 January 19th 2001
		A G O N Y A U N T . . . Another man who seems to love nothing but young children with no clothes on, and who was also desperately trying to raise money for his charity this week was good old Michael Jackson. His charity is called: Heal the Kids. And I’ve got a feeling that after an evening with the dirty old pervert himself, those kids are certainly going to need all the healing they can get! ‘Saint’ Michael is all set to become an agony aunt later this month, as he heads a special panel of celebrities who will hand out advice to an invited audience in New York. In exchange for advice, donations will have to be paid to his dubious charity. Those on hand to answer any questions will be OJ Simpson, Desomd Tutu, and Bill Clinton. Obviously, they’ll all be able to give first hand advice on such varied topics such as: ‘how to botch up a simple murder’ ‘lying about what Jesus really got up to in Galilee’, and ‘how to ruin a cocktail dress’. As for Michael himself, he’ll be on hand to help any audience member who wishes to know exactly how to wash a chimpanzee’s testicles, make a child’s pyjama’s disappear during the middle of the night, and how to turn from one shade to another with each passing decade. BEN