ISSUE 57 January 19th 2001
		T H R E E S A C R O W D . . . Teenage pop sensation (and third rate Britney Spears impressionist) Christina Aguilera has been hit by claims that her boyfriend is in fact as gay as John Inman at a Marc Almond convention. Yep, only last week Christina was round at my pad helping me re-tile my bathroom, when I innocently tried to seduce her with a huge pink loo brush and a bottle of 1877 Blue Nun. Once she’d kicked several shades of shit out of me, she yelled: "My boyfriend and I love each other very much". I told her that was wonderful, but at the same time I felt a deep sense of pain, as these were exactly the same words my youngest son Mark used when he brought his wedding to Michelle to a grinding halt. However, I doubt that Christina will be wanting to play ‘adventures of the pink one eyed trouser snake’ with the dirty little rat again after he was spotted playing a dubious game of ‘Snakes n’ Ladders’ at the infamous gay night club, ’The Golden Creek’ last Tuesday night. One onlooker told me. "It was obvious Christina’s man was having a ‘gay old time’ as he was all over porn legend Randy Dick watching his new film: ‘Edward Penis Hands’. BEN.