ISSUE 55 January 5th 2001
		B E N S P R E D I C T I O N S . . . It’s that time of year again, when Mr Hill borrows some second hand Tarot cards from Swampy and Ratty and gives you his own personal mystic predictions for the year ahead in this crazy world of pop. Last year I got a few of my predictions wrong (I honestly thought Big Country were on the way back!), so I’ve given my two tiny crystal balls a quick rub down and we’ll see if I have better luck this year. Right, lets see what destiny has in store for three of the biggest names in pop. Charlotte Church: Well, after hoodwinking every pensioner in the land for another year with her ‘kareoke carols’, things will soon go ‘tits up’ for this little monkey! First, her balls will drop (which will leave her sounding more like Frank Butcher in the shower), and then she’ll have a ‘love child’with the Arch Bishop of Canterbury. I know I can’t believe it either, but as Brucie says, never question the cards! Eddie Grant: Yep, remember him? ‘I don’t wanna dance’ (how about not singing as well Eddie?) Well, after being the face of ‘Lilt’ for the past twenty-five years, old Eddie will soon be back in the charts. Expect a remix of his classic anthem to be a huge smash this summer in the Gay clubs of Ibiza. Yep, Eddie you’ll soon be able to retire to your dream beach house in Great Yarmouth, which will be made entirely from dried Pineapple skins. Robbie Williams: Oh dear. After bragging about being a ‘bottom beater’ for the last two months, he’ll soon get his just deserts when he plays at this year’s Gay Pride extravaganza. From what I can see here, poor Robbie takes the fancy of a strapping 18 stone wobbler from Texas called ‘Randy Trucker’, who’ll soon be showing Robbie a thing or too about being queer. My crystal ball seems to be misting over, but I can just about make out a large marrow and a large tub of KY jelly…Till next year readers. BEN