ISSUE 54 December 22nd 2000
		T A KE H I S M O N E Y A N D R U N . . . I always thought Billie had terrible taste in men, (just take a look at her bog eyed Adrian Mole look-a-like Richie Neville), but this week she’s excelled herself. If there was one man in the world who you don’t accept ‘gifts’ from it’s Chris ‘Uncle Fester’ Evans. Lord, this ‘praying pervert’ hounded poor Billie like a ginger fox after a buck toothed rabbit. How desperate is this freak? I mean, come on lads, Billie is hardly worth a fucking Ferrari full of roses. She’s not even worth a Morris Minor full of daffodils for Christ sake! However, it did generate enough publicity to send her Christmas single straight in at number 25. (It’s the biggest turkey she’ll get this year!). If only the little monkey had come to me for some much needed career advice, I would have told her to get pregnant by old ‘carrot knob’, have twins, and then plough straight into the old pervert in her second hand Ferrari, whilst he sat with his ‘crazy gang’ at the Virgin radio canteen. (I would personally give her my 1983 Ford Capri if she killed Danny Baker live on air). But of course that won’t happen, as she’s gone back to ‘Geek of the Week’ Richie ‘weasel face’. If only she’d followed my advice she’d be bigger than Madonna by now, and richer than the Queen after a Lotto win. But sadly, I now think we’ve seen the last of poor Billie. At first she was like a living wet dream as she skipped on to our screens looking like Bambi in a brothel. However, as she got bigger, so did her teeth, and hairy ears. So much so that when I saw her latest video last week, I thought I was watching ‘Watership Down’. BEN.