ISSUE 53 December 15th 2000
		S N A T C H C O M I N G S O O N. . . . It’s going to be the ‘Show biz wedding of the year’. (No, Sue Pollard isn’t getting married again!) It’s the turn of good old ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ Madonna, and that classic film director, Guy ‘public school boy gangster’ Richie. After finding out that Alton Towers was actually a theme park, the two lovebirds have finally decided to get hitched at a remote Scottish pile called Skibo Castle. Here, the paparazzi can roam free ‘as a bird’ in over 200 acres whilst enjoying stunning views of the sweeping Scottish Highands, (and Vinnie Jones acting like a pissed up third division footballer). However, the Castle was not their first choice. Apparently, sources close to the couple have admitted that Princess Diana’s burial ground, Althrorp was top of their list, but this was ruled out when Charles Spencer suggested there would be a giant ‘circus’ if he allowed the wedding to take place there! (What, with Trapeze artists, and lions jumping through hoops of fire, surely not?) Personally, I couldn’t think of a better place for old Mad to get hitched. It’s the perfect venue for an old tart who is constantly changing her image whilst being shagged left right and centre. (And that was just Princess Diana). However, anywhere must be better than the place Debs and I got married. Man, if I’d known that the ‘HMS Great Steven’ was in fact a small fishing trawler, we’d never have held the ceremony on the fucking thing! It was hardly the ‘Titanic Sea Legend’ we’d been promised. And as for it being ‘docked in a romantic seaside village near tranquil northern France’,....well, I guess it was.....it was called........ Dover! BEN.