ISSUE 52 December 8th 2000
		N I C E A R R I E S L O V E. . . . Well done to ‘Stars In Their Eyes’ winner (and professional cleaner) Nichola Kirch who wowed millions of unemployed people up and down the country with her impression of Opera star Maria Callas on Saturday night. Whilst Nichola’s impression sounded a lot more like a cat in a cement mixer than Maria Callas, she does infact have more in common with Callas than you’d think. Not only do they both look like over weight dinner ladies from Sheffield, but they were both seduced (and then dumped) by the same Italian, singing tutor ‘di Stefano’ (pronounced ‘die stiffarsehole’ ) in the 1970’s. Yep, slimy di Stefano seduced both women when he invited them to Italy to become his pupils. However, after her third lesson, Nichola became suspicious about di Stefano’s bizarre singing techniques. Nichola recalled: "I became very suspicious of Stefano after he told me that sucking on his large slippery organ would help my vocal chords to relax, and in turn, make me sing higher notes than I could before". Maria Callas herself also became suspicious of Stefano, "He was very sweet, but we had a slight communication problem, all I asked him was, did he ‘like my aria?’ to which he replied, " I’d love to! " then grabbed my breasts and started ‘licking my areolae’. Maria was soon dumped by Stefano, but went on to become a huge Opera star. Nicola was also dumped and went on to become a dinner lady at her local comprehensive! But what of the Italian Stallion? Well, Stefano went on to better things when he taught Jimmy Somerville how to hit those high notes in 1981. BEN