ISSUE 51 December 1st 2000
		L O V E S P L I T. . . . Poor old Martine McCutcheon opened her heart (and her dress) to me this week as she told of her love split with ‘love rat’ Jonathan Barnham. After appearing at my bedroom window in nothing but a BHS negligée begging for sex, I let her in, and over dinner at a top French restaurant (‘Chervall De La Manure’) she told me of the deep pain he had caused her. (I think she was talking about cystitis). Anyway, after Martine had tucked into ‘pigs trotter’ and ‘mare du la bollox’ (and that was just her starter) she told me: "In the end it was just impossible ! At first he was charming, and very loving, he was a true gent. The kind of man who wouldn’t hurt anyone". When I pointed out that he had in fact been caught smuggling cannabis into the country and was also spotted participating in an orgy marathon, she admitted: "Yes, but he was a decent man, and I still loved him". I then asked her when she finally realised the relationship was over. She confessed: "Well, I think I knew the relationship was in trouble when he got both my mother and sister pregnant. It was a difficult time for the whole family". As Martine left the restaurant, the tears began to flow. This woman was obviously still deeply upset by the split, but it was when she told me she was working on a duet with Lionel Richie that I really began to feel for her. Not even Jane Macdonald would stoop that low! BEN