ISSUE 49 November 17th 2000
		R I N G H E R . . Last week, whilst I was showing Britney Spears how to wear a diamond studded leather thong (it was a bit tight around the old ‘twig n’ berries’), she turned to me and said: "Ben, you wanna know something? I don’t believe in sex before marriage. I go out with guys and we might kiss n cuddle, but I want to wait until I’m married before I go the whole way." I was ‘deflated’. I’d built this night up for weeks, and just when I’d finally got her into bed she tells me ‘Mrs beaver won’t meet Mr Pinky ’. I’d spent a near fortune trying to seduce her. I’d even gone to the trouble of getting her favourite ‘pink flamingos’ flown in from Iceland. (To be honest readers, that last bit’s a lie. I couldn’t really afford the flamingos, but after a quick trip to the local canal with a tranquilliser gun and a large can of ‘pink emulsion’ two swans quickly became two ‘pink flamingos’ once I’d twisted their legs around the wrong way.) Anyway, to cut a long story short, as soon as Britney’s bloke, Justin from N’sync (The luckiest bog eyed water rat in the world’) heard Britney wasn’t gonna drop her panties until she’s got a ‘ring on her finger’ he was off buying a ring before you could say ‘Virgin Beaver’. I don’t quite know what Britney is expecting on her wedding day, but I’ve got a very ‘sexy feeling’ Justin will make sure it’s a very short ceremony, quickly followed by a 6-month honeymoon on board a private jet. I on the other hand, had to make do with a weekend in Bognor with my wife Tina who refused to have sex until her piles had calmed down. They never did. BEN