ISSUE 47 November 3rd 2000
		P A T C H E D U P. . Any of you freaks out there remember Toni Braxton? Well, I thought I did, only to find out that infact, I’d just spent nearly two weeks researching ex-Ipswich and England defender ‘Tony’ Braxton, and not the female soul diva who’s plastic tit blew up at last month's Mobo awards. After apologising to 43 year old Tony and his family for harassing him, and for suggesting he has breast implants, I finally caught up with the real Toni Braxton last week at a celebrity bash in down town L.A. (Long Ashton) She told me: "It was terrible, suddenly my left breast started leaking and I just had to make a quick get away. I was back stage crying whilst holding this silicon bag which was spraying water everywhere. It was the worst experience of my life". Thankfully, Toni’s management did a pretty good repair job. I don’t want to say too much, but lets just say it involved a staple gun and a microwave ‘boil in the bag’ prawn curry. Two weeks later, and after a painful operation, I can exclusively reveal that Toni’s tits have never looked better! ( Well, the left one is a good two sizes bigger than the right one, but that’s doctors for you !). All of this reminds me of the time Danny Le Rue’s plastic Virginia burst on stage in 1986 whilst he was doing a panto. It wasn't so much ‘Puss In Boots’, more a case of ‘There’s a rubber pussy In my boots’. BEN