ISSUE 24 August 18th 2000
		K I N K Y S E X . . . . This week I can give you another shocking story that will have you quite literally shaking your head in disbelief. Yep, those Australian donkeys INXS are set to reform later this year. Now, I don’t want to ‘piss on their BBQ’ but there is one vital ingredient missing. Somehow I doubt whether ‘Need You Tonight’ will sound quite as good, minus the f**king vocals. But who have they drafted in as a replacement ? Well, it’s none other than Terrance Trent ‘No hit since 1987’ D’arby ! Lord, this could be the biggest shambles since that time Winston Churchill tried to cut back on Britain’s second World war effort by using hand gliders instead of RAF fighter planes. It’s not INXS I feel sorry for, it’s poor old Michael Hutchance, the man wrongly accused of committing suicide whilst participating in a ‘kinky sex game’ in a Sydney hotel room nearly three years ago. I know, because my Uncle Reggie suffered the exact same fate when he was found suffocated to death whilst wearing a pair of woman’s fish-net stockings with an orange rammed in his mouth! It looks bad I know, but the truth of the matter was that Reggie had returned from the Village Panto where he was playing one of the Ugly Sisters (hence the stockings) and was just innocently tucking into his home grown oranges, when he slipped on one of his false eye lashes and smacked his head against the oven, killing himself instantly. You see, nothing sinister at all, just a tragic accident ! Admittedly, it was a lot more difficult explaining to the Police about the black leather studded gas mask, and the handcuffs, but come on ! who doesn’t wear them these days ? BEN.