ISSUE 24 August 18th 2000
		B A N A N A S P L I T. . . . Whilst holidaying in Texas (with my good friend ‘Randy Raper’) I was amazed to hear a story that will shatter Britney’s ‘The Lord is my Shepherd’ image forever. Apparently, Britney was spotted pissed out of her mind in a New York nightclub at 3.00a.m. and swearing like ‘Bernard Manning at a German Beer Festival’. I know this story is bound to upset many of Britney’s huge perverted following, but I feel that the world (and our 7 readers) need to know what the ‘real’ Britney is like. Well, last night I spoke to a key eyewitness, Mrs V.Fussy, who claims she saw Britney ‘spread eagled’ on the dance floor, wearing a skimpy showgirl costume, and holding a greased banana whilst playing a kinky sex game called ‘Banana Split’. Mrs Fussy told me: "Britney was completely pissed, I asked if I could take a picture of her in the Ladies, but she told me to "shove that camera up my f***king arse". She was then photographed by my friend shoving a camera up my arse, which won’t look good in the papers. I couldn’t believe this was the same Britney who only a week ago was single handedly rebuilding a small village church roof in North Carolina!" This latest controversy is bound to cause an uproar all over the world, at a time when Britney is desperately trying to focus the world’s media on her autobiography : ‘Heart To Heart’. In this classic piece of literature, Britney’s mother lovingly recalls that ‘young Britney would have jumped off a roof if she thought it would get applause ‘. If only Britney WOULD jump off a roof, I’m sure she’d get a massive wave of applause although her two massive ‘jugs’ would probably cushion the blow! BEN.