ISSUE 31 July 14th 2000
		O N Y O U R B I K E . . . . t was with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I read the news that old ‘village bicycle’ Patsy Kensit and ‘Trampy’ Liam Gallager have finally split up. This was as predictable as a Jimmy Tarbuck gag, but you’ve got to hand it to them, they certainly know how to drag a dead donkey of a story out for every tabloid to enjoy. Now, I don’t want to get all cynical here, but I think if you have a good look at Miss Kensit’s relationships with ‘rock legends’ over the years I think you’ll find an interesting pattern emerging….. Jim Kerr : Simple Minds singer. Simple Minds Album sales the day they married : 14 million world wide. Simple Minds Album sales the day they divorced : 4. Liam Gallagher : Oasis lead singer. Oasis album sales the day they met : 9.5 million world wide. Oasis Album sales the day they split : 5. Once again I don’t want to say that she’s a ‘money grabbing, publicity seeking ego maniac’, but the words ‘gold’ and ‘digger’ seem to fit her like a glove. Poor old Liam………… Their relationship finally ‘hit the rocks’ earlier this year, when Liam was caught with his trousers down with some tart called Ivy ‘supersonic’ Silverstein. The ‘supersonic’ is nothing sexual. She’s got a face like a ‘Supersonic jumbo jet’. ie. A big long nose and two flappy ears. She claims that she was only in his room to measure a ‘hat’ for him. But, eyewitnesses claim that the hat involved was very small and ‘pink’ and was more of a ‘flat cap’ than a ‘top hat’. BEN