ISSUE 28 June 23rd 2000
		L O V E L Y A R S E . . . . From what I’ve seen this week, it looks as if Kylie ‘where have my knickers gone? ‘ Minogue is finally back on track. I witnessed her ‘come back’ show at the G.A.Y night at London’s Astoria on Friday, and me and my two 'chums’ Julian and Jason, think she looked fantastic. It was just a shame the music got in the way of it all. However, not only is she doing a very good impression of a ‘greased up sex rat’ she’s also giving highly sexed interviews to every pervert in Fleet Street. This week she went on and on about how old ‘dead Donkey’ Michael Hutchence opened her eyes to 'kinky sex' But would she be up for it again? Apparently not. She told me "I’ve had my arse burnt too many times" (which means she must be into dirty sex involving candles. What a kinky bitch!) Old Kylie even gave a run down of who she’s had ‘monkey sex’ with and who she's kept her knickers on for. Once again, I am only too happy to translate for you...... Julian Lennon : " No, he’s a nice guy......but no " Translation. : He’s an ugly fuckwit, with a big nose. Lenny Kravitz : "There’s a bit of truth to that, but we weren’t going out together.’ Translation : He humped my arse off, and then never phoned me again. He had a tiny cock. Prince : " I didn’t have a romance with him, we just hung out. I did go to Paisley park " Translation : He was so tiny, his head came up to my muff ! He humped my arse off, but never phoned me again " Chris Evans : " Not a f….ng chance " Translation : ‘He drugged me and I woke up staring at two tangerines and a tiny carrot’ BEN.