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ISSUE 25 June 2nd 2000 |
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K I S S 'N' T E L L . . . . 
At school we were always told to look up to Jesus and other fictional characters. Teachers told us we all needed a ‘role model in life’, (but come on, did Jesus ever have four way sex on the back of a speed boat? Of course not.)Well, this week I have found a role model that every child in the world can look to for guidence and spiritual enlightenment. So who is this God like figure I hear you cry?
Well, it’s not Moses, or Barry Venison. No, these people are mere mortals when placed next to the lead singer of those classic rock animals Kiss. Yep, you’ve guessed it. His name is Gene Simmons. This man is a legend and our new found leader. And any kids out there who need any advice just read the following ‘words of wisdom’ straight from the man I would love to call ‘Daddy’ (and knowing my Mother that won’t be too far from the truth).
So, here it is : Gene Simmon’s guide to the Univese……..
Women : ‘When I met an attractive woman, I don’t think, ‘Gee, I wonder if she’s read the latest thesis by Stephan Hawking?’ I think she’s got great tits and I want target practice!"
Masturbation : "For me, masturbation is a poor second. But I guess if there’s a time and a place when, you know, if I can’t have a Pepsi, I’ll have a coke."
Tattoos : "The best tatto has to be the chick who had my face tattooed on her shaven pussy. If you turned her side ways -and believe me I did, many times- it looked as though my little face was smiling".
Grunge Musicians : "I don’t know about hating music, but I certainly hated some grunge musicians. I got sick of them whining ‘People don’t understand me-I’m an artist.' You’re an artist? Yeah? Then paint my house, bitch."’
Virgins : "At the bar yesterday, a very attractive blond came to me and said ‘I lost my virginity to your records. My boyfriend insisted that he play your first album during sex because it was a special rite of passage.’ I just took one look at her body and said ‘I bet he didn’t make it past the first song.'
BEN.