ISSUE 63 March 2nd 2001
		B R I T S . . . . Well, it’s that time of year again. No, not Crufts, but that huge commercial for HMV that is the Brits. To be honest readers, ever since my career as an international darts player has taken off, my mind has been solely focused on trying to get the darts slightly nearer to the ‘Bulls eye’ rather than ‘Terry’s eye’. So much so, that the only reason I watched the Brits on Tuesday night was by mistake, as I was actually trying to set the video for Ace Ventura, which was on straight after the news. However, I’m pretty glad I caught it, as it turned out to be one massive wave of ‘top-notch entertainment’ after another. Not even the final series of ‘Cannon & Ball’ in 1987 could compare to what I witnessed. I mean, who would of thought those ‘popstars’ ‘Hear’Say’ would be there sounding (and looking) like a bunch of KFC employees after a shopping trip to Asda? And that good old Eninem would turn out to be as scary as a pissed up window cleaner from Swindon who’s only ‘lethal weapon’ is a blunt potato peeler. But, that readers, wasn’t the half of it. Let’s start with ‘Ant n’ Dec’. Now, these two ‘loveable little monkeys’ are world class presenters…. at 9.15 on a Saturday morning, but on Tuesday night they looked more like two third division footballers who were desperately trying to raise a laugh at an end of season raffle. (Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood looked like the greatest presenters in history of television by comparison). Any way, back to the music. Y E L L O W . . After watching poor old Craig David going through the motions, even though he didn’t actually win anything (a bit like Birmingham city last Sunday!), I couldn’t wait to hear a group of young men that have set every student union in the country a blaze. And no, they’re not doing it with a can of petrol and a box of matches. (Although, they’d be a darn sight more interesting if they did!). No, ‘Cold Play’ are currently achieving much ‘student acclaim’ by sounding exactly like every Hot House Flowers B-side ever released. Ok, so they can play, but you’ve got to admit that ‘Trouble’ does have a rather gay piano part that makes it sound like something that would have been played just after the birth of a baby calf in ‘All Creatures Great And Small’. And, what do they look like? I mean, I had to check TV Quick just to make sure I wasn’t watching the grand finale of ‘University Challenge’ when they came up to collect their awards! Fucking bog eyed geeks! So, ‘Thank the Lord’, for Destiny’s Child! H O T 2 T R O T . . . . Fuck me! Those chicks certainly know how to turn a young man’s ‘tiny hose’ into a ‘pink Gonzo’s nose’! ‘Singing tarts’ they may be, but they defiantly looked ‘hot to trot’ as they frantically skipped across the stage like Bamabi did that time he was had to walk across a bed of hot coals just to get to get to a trough full of water. (He never did run in a Grand National again). Lord, for the first time in my life I finally had three half-naked women running around right in front of me. And to top it all they were weaving in and out of giant 12-foot high flames! And, it wasn’t long before I too was weaving in and out of ‘12 foot high flames’, as I had accidentally knocked Tarquin’s incense candle against our nylon curtains whilst rolling around the kitchen floor in the middle of yet another wank attack. However, once I’d put out the last of the flames with some Blue Nun (which for some reason only seemed fuel the ‘burning inferno’ even more), I was ready to see what was to be served next from the Brit’s ‘pop menu’. And what a huge disappointment it was… F O O T A N D M O U T H . . . Now, any farmer out there who is currently watching his livelihood being destroyed by ‘foot n’ mouth disease’, can rest in peace as I think I may have found the original source of the outbreak. Yep, Geri Halliwell certainly looked as if she’d contracted a ‘crippling disease’ that has left her looking a lot like the last leg of lamb in the butchers on Christmas Eve. This is definitely one dumb animal that needs to be thrown on to a large ‘meat bonfire’ somewhere in Somerset. (And if Mel C is reading this, those huge mounds of animal flesh that are currently on fire should be avoided at all costs as they are riddled with disease. They are not giant Bar-B-Q’s. Anyway, enough ‘current affairs’, because up next was our favourite comedian Eninem. M & M . . . Looking like a car mechanic after he’d just finished putting some new ‘hot rods’ on his penny-farthing, Eninem was desperate to be the Brit’s answer to Hannibal Lecture. Well, correct me if I’m wrong Emmy, my sweet, but I can’t seem to recall Hannibal strutting around in ‘lesbian dungarees’ whilst prancing about with a young rapper called ‘Ray’ who looked a lot like that tiny ‘freak of nature’ from ‘Different Strokes’. Also, M&M, you’re never going to make any five-year-old wet the bed (or Cold play for that matter), by waving a broken chainsaw about in front of what looked like a giant Wendy house. It’s just not scary! Finding your Grandmother stark naked whilst doing the splits after she’d slipped off her brass bidet again, is scary! But not as terrifying as trying to slide her off the new bathroom tiles and on to the old ones so you can pull her off with out causing too much damage. (Let’s just say she was stuck solid. It was the kind of ‘suction’ effect that can only occur when a saggy old beaver comes into contact with some wet bathroom flooring).. L I F E T I M E . . Anyway, by this time I was thoroughly bored with the whole thing, so I decided to pay a quick visit to the canal, just to see if swans really can sleep under water. They couldn’t, (in fact after 35 minuets they still hadn’t resurfaced), so I decided get home sharpish and catch the last ten minutes of the Brits before I went up stairs to the woman I love. Now, I haven’t really followed their career too closely, but from the sound they made, and from the way the lead singer acted like a seasoned pro, I was glad to see that the music of Simple Minds had at last been fully recognised. Their ‘life time achievement award’ was well over due. I only hope next year the music of Aswad is also fully acknowledged, because with out them there would have been no Bob Marley, and definitely no Chales and Eddy. Until then readers, it’s bon voyage! BEN.