ISSUE 50 November 24th 2000
		M O N K E Y N U T S . . . Well, well, well, it had to happen. Nicole Appleton and ‘monkey boy’ Liam Gallagher are to have a little sprog. And judging by the size of her tits, and his hairy arse, I won’t be surprised if the poor child came out looking a lot like a huge baboon with two large hooters. Everyone in the world of pop was amazed at how quickly Nicole became ‘up the duff’, seeing as the couple had only been together for two months. But, it can happen. Especially when ‘true love’ is involved. Normally it happens after one too many cans of Woodpecker. I think my ninth son Martian is a classic example. I didn’t even know Tina was pregnant. Then again, nor did she! We both thought she’d innocently put on more weight since she started working at ‘Terry’s Ice Cream World’. But, oh no, she was pregnant alright! Still, the more children you have, the more child benefit you’re entitled to. Hence our new toaster and microwave. Anyway, enough of my home life. Nicole and Liam have reportedly been busy buying gifts for the little brat. Only yesterday Liam was spotted leaving ‘Pet World’ with a cage and some fur trimmers. Nicole was also spotted buying dog biscuits and a dog bowl. Well, at least the animal, I mean ‘Child of love’, will be well looked after, but can I recommend the liver Pedigree Chum, as it’s a lot cheaper than Farley’s Rusks. BEN