ISSUE 48 November 10th 2000
		S P O T T H E W I F E . . . . I don’t know about you lot, but I’d love to be Tom Jones. Over the past 40 years he must have had sex with all kinds of women : Big, small, black, white, you name it he’s had it. It must have been amazing! The closest I’ve come to matching Tom was when I had sex with a ‘small’ woman with ‘big’ ‘black’ hands and a ‘white’ stick. That was the last time I saw Mother Teresa alive. This week Tom revealed: "I don’t need Viagra. I walk around with a permanent hard on. Yes, I’m a bit of a womaniser, but not to the extent that some people will have you believe. If a woman wants to say that I’ve been with her and she gives me the thumbs up, then I don’t mind". Well, I’m glad to see that even at the age of 60, Tom can still get ‘wood’ without the help of artificial stimulants. I on the other hand rely heavily on Viagra. This has led to all sorts of problems, as my wife suffers from terrible constipation. Only last week, I accidentally got our medicines mixed up. Not only did I have to explain to doctors why my 4 inch ‘love truncheon’ kept farting, but my wife Tina couldn’t understand why her turds were now as long and as strong as a Royal Marines U boat. (As for women putting the ‘thumbs up’, I think Tom should keep that kind of thing to the bedroom, the dirty little monkey!) One fact that people keep forgetting is that Tom has been happily married to his wife of thirty years . But then again, I can see why his dick has a mind of his own. Just look at her! She looks like a cross between Sue Pollard and deceased wrestler ‘Giant Hay Stacks’. BEN