ISSUE 48 November 10th 2000
		D U M P H I M . . This week I’d like to apologise to Martine McCutcheon, my heart goes out to you! For a woman who by rights should still be stacking shelves in BHS, she’s certainly done well for herself First of all, she managed to hoodwink an entire nation into believing she was an actress, and now she’s managed to pull off a successful pop career by acting like a pissed up barmaid on a kareoke night at the ‘Red Lion’. But lately things have gone from bad to worse. Firstly, she’s had a desperate battle with her weight since she shot to fame five years ago, her arse had been doing a very good impression of two pigs stuck in a hot air balloon. Of course it wasn’t her fault! She was completely helpless. Last week she gave a revealing insight into just how hard it was to keep her weight down. Apparently, after a hard day of consuming nothing but salad and expensive French mineral water (‘Sewage de la water’), she’d slowly drift off to sleep at home, only to be woken two hours later by a family sized bag of chicken drum sticks unwrapping themselves and slowly forcing themselves down her throat. It sounds like hell on earth. However, this week it was her love life that was up shit creek. Yep, her lovely ‘salt of the earth’ boyfriend John Barnham was caught wearing nothing but his Y-fronts in the middle of a kinky orgy. He claimed he was ‘only watching’. It’s the same lame duck excuse that the Arch Bishop of Canterbury used when he was caught humping the arse of a young boy during the 1988 ‘Choir Of The Year Awards’. He said at the time: "I’m completely innocent. I was simply ‘watching’ as my robe slipped off and my todger started giving that young boy’s bottom the spanking of a life time. Thank God, you arrived when you did officer !" I only hope you can rebuild your life now Martine. ……….We love you, big tits! BEN