ISSUE 46 October 27th 2000
		S C A R Y . . . Britney Spears is now ‘living in fear’ after a ‘freak’ broke into her mansion and took photographs of himself in her bath earlier this month. The incident is believed to have happened whilst Britney was away on her current World Tour (which had every pervert in Britain in a 'lather' only last week). Britney’s manager told me last night : "Somehow, a fan found a way into the house and mailed us pictures of himself sitting in her tub. He also found out where her new bedroom is going to be. It’s scary." I’d just love to see Britney’s ‘scary’ new bedroom, but I think I’ll wait until she’s safely tucked up in bed before I burst out of her wardrobe waving a huge 12inch peporami sausage. I call it ‘Virgin Surprise’. If this story is to be believed, security must be as tight as Elton John’s arse! I only wish Icould help poor little Britney sleep safer at night. Well maybe I am the man for the job, after all, I served 35 years for the British Army before I got this job, though I did get asked to leave the forces because I refused to fight during the cricket season, I still reckon it would be a piece of piss to break into Britney’s mansion. Everyone knows Guard Dogs are like ‘little puppy’s’ once you smear their furry little nuts in fish paste, and by using a trampoline and the old trick of, shoving a firework up your crack, you’ll soon be drinking from her bidet !.... Yep, it’s that simple, believe me, I’ve tried it ! BEN