ISSUE 39 September 8th 2000
		N I G H T M A R E . . . This is a warning to every human being on earth. Read the following very carefully : Michael Jackson is making another film. Yep, good old ‘Dick nibbler’ Jacko is set to appear in ‘The Nightmare Of Edgar Allan Poe’ (although a bigger nightmare would be a film of Michael first thing in the morning, trying to explain to police why Bubbles has been shaven and covered in grease). However, Jacko is taking this new movie very seriously indeed. Only last week he told reporters : "By the time I've finished training, you won’t even recognise me!" I hope for your sake Michael you haven’t, well....um, had another ‘lick of paint’ shall we say? That really would be a horror show ! And it doesn't end there. Who would be the most unsavoury personality to give a talk about Child Welfare? Well according to our revered Oxford University, Michael meets the criteria head on. He's due to give a speech about this very topic at a forthcoming Oxford Union meeting. Apparently he's standing in for Gary Glitter who was their first choice, but had clashing appointments with a Save the Children fund raiser. BEN