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T O O S E X Y . . . . .
Well, well, well. It had to happen I suppose. Kylie ‘nice peaches’ Minogue has had her new video banned for being ‘too sexy’. Yep, if you thought her impression of a ‘guinea pig on a hot stove’ for her last video (Spinning Around) was bad enough, then her latest effort ‘On A Night Like This’ will have even the most remote mountain suddenly pumping out ‘hot lava’ before she’s even got to the first chorus.

And I should know, because dear Readers I have seen it. And believe me I haven’t been this turned on since that time I visited my 18 year old French Cousin ‘Petit De la Lesbian’, who was so poor she couldn’t afford hot water so we had to make do with sharing a bath of pure honey every night. That weekend changed my life!

But this week Lord Donald (head of Television watch dog ITC) announced that he has decided to ban Kylie’ s new video because ITC fear it will ‘show a side of Kylie that may offend young viewers’ and ‘…Lord Donald found it to deeply disturbing and has decided withdraw it from live television’.
(Although, due to a typing error the official ITC statement actually read: ‘The video shows Lord Donald deeply offending Kylie whilst withdrawing from young viewers on live television‘).

However, I don’t believe Kylie’s video should be banned. It does actually serve a purpose. A medical purpose, because last Tuesday I showed the video to my Grandfather ‘Ivor Biggen‘ Hill, who was tragically paralysed from the waist down after a terrible accident on the set of his last porn flick in 1974, which happened after the director yelled ‘cut’ at a crucial moment in ‘Scissors Sex 6’ . However, Ivor suddenly regained all feeling in his ‘important muscles’ once Kylie showed off her ‘bits n’ bobs’ in this classic video.

So, please don’t ban this video ITC. If it wasn’t for Kylie, Ivor wouldn’t be back ‘acting’ this week on the set of his 107th porno: ‘Doctor Dick’s Beaver Surgery’.





OUT OF YOU MIND
... Posh was left licking her wounds on Monday after news that even with all last week’s plugging, hype and publicity ( and Bribery ) she still failed to make it to the prestigious UK No1 spot !

LOVE STRUCK
... Sir Elton John declares his love for Rap Star, Enimen: "His lyrics are pretty hardcore, funny, clever." (I think Elton must be getting confused with Chris De Burg!)

TARTAR FOR NOW
....Puff 'pastry' Daddy gets into deep water with waiter 'Renzo Pacini' "But Mr Daddy, Steak Tartar is RAW ! "l

BOY NEXT DOOR
...Robbie ‘I’m a serious artist’ Williams is desperately trying to clean up his ‘bad boy’ image in time for the release of his third album ‘Sing When Your Winning‘



LOVE WALRUS
...Barry White gives 900 Oxford University students a lesson in the Language of Love’



GRANDAD
....Paul Weller and Oasis star, are told to 'sling their hook' at the V2000 festival, " for god's sake, people have paid good money to come here !"


BLACK MAGIC
...Voodoo, Hocu Pocus, he’s into the lot! Jon Bon Jovi told me: " I’d eat dog s**t if someone could prove to me that it would cure my hay fever!


GRABBER ...Michael ‘buy everything in sight’ (because he can) Jackson, is set to buy up the Beatles merchandising!.



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People who've been well and truely caught by the short and curlies..

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