:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Next Update Fri 11th Feb 2000 JAN 2000
Issue 8 - Updated:4.2.2000

O A S I S H I T B Y S P E E D I N G M P 3. . .
There’s hope for Oasis yet... Their album 'Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants' is widely available on the Internet well ahead of its official release date. We would pass on the URLs, but don’t want to encourage this kind of bad taste piracy.

Rumours suggest a loving fan uploaded the tracks after blagging a US promo copy of the album from Sony. To make things worse you can also download full artwork for the album.

This news will no-doubt upset the Oasis camp as they have already taken precautions to stop one bootlegger "Steve Pockett" from distributing the album on the www.

If by any chance you think this catastrophe was a deliberate leak, engineered purely by -BIG B ROTHER- to advance the bands profile in the States (not to mention the impending release in the UK) - we won’t have it said...Oasis are nice boys and not that desperate!
-------------------------

Bobby G
Drugged up popstar Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream admitted that he went to see ‘Iggy Pop in Hamburg and felt like crying, it was so beautiful’.

See what drugs can do to you kids! See what they did to Bobby’s mind! They made an old Monkey who looks like an over cooked lizard and who hasn’t had a hit single since 1976, look ’beautiful’. Stay away from them, they’re bad for you!

-------------------------

Bad Karma
The Chemical Brothers have turned down the chance to remix the Oasis version of ‘Helter Skelter’ saying it was ‘bad karma’ due to the Chales Manson link.

I know what you mean lads. Chales Manson has murdered a lot of people, where as Oasis just murdered other peoples tunes.

-------------------------

Video Nasty
After poor sales of ‘Songs From The last Century’ George Michael’s label Epic have decided to turn to video as a way of regaining some lost revenue. This decison was made after the success of Cliff Richard’s video concert ‘Mistletoe and wine, Vodka and Heroin’, so look out for the new George Michael video coming soon: ‘George Michael…..live in the Park'.

-------------------------

Droped balls
Those mini Beach Boys, ‘Hanson’ are back in the game with a new album release. "This Time Around in Los Angeles" is a new departure for the boys. Rumours that well known producer Steve Lironi was only biding his time until their voices had broken were strongly denied. It was a serious artistic decision.

-------------------------

Alan
Mr Ex-Creation has come out. He has publicly confirmed his backing of that deranged nutter Malcolm McLaren in his bid for London Mayor. One can only imagine the campaign promises.

-------------------------

Classics
Need to revive flagging album sales? Call them classics and sell ‘em cheap. At least 2 of the Top 30 are there thanks to this little ploy. Mentioning no names…The Corrs, Red Hot Chili Peppers.

-------------------------

Dr Fox
The Channel 5 Pepsi Chart Show looks set for an overhaul. Sounds promising until you hear that Dr Fox is not due for the same treatment. Well budgets are obviously tight.

-------------------------

Rise to the bate
Gabrielle has hit the UK top spot with 'Rise' This hooky, little ditty features a notable sample from the Bob Dylan-hit 'Knocking on Heaven's Door'.

'Rise' is the first and quite probably the only number one from Gabrielle's album of the same name. We would have wished her luck - had it not been for the fact that she booted our favourite love doll Britney to the number two position.

A publicist response to this was “Britney’s not a patch on Gabby, so it was only to be expected”.

-------------------------

Y2K
It looks as if the year 2000 will go down as the year of the Axe. This is largely due to the massive merger of America Online, Time Warner and EMI. Artist’s careers are now definitely ‘on the line’.

It’s a bit like when my Clarks shoe factory was taken over by Beechams in March 1987. One minute my father Winston Hill was packing shoes, and the next he was packing his bags.

I don’t want to start pointing figures, but one or two bands had better start producing ‘the goods. I’m looking at you Alanis Morrisette. The words ‘hit single’ must keep you awake in the same way the word ‘eviction’ still haunts the Levellers.

With internet and record companies merging all over the planet of pop (keep an eye on Sony and Yahoo!) many acts that have struggled in recent years must realise that their ‘arses are on-the-line.’

Once again the Pet Shop Boys have got the wrong end of the stick, and are quite excited by this. Although the way their last album sold they need to keep an eye on their back sides more than anyone…..you never know when, or where, that axe will strike next!

-------------------------

F L I G H T 1712 . . .
Chirpy Chumbawamba's latest offering in the States is a happy-go -lucky number about a doomed flight - 'Flight 1712'.

'Flight 1712' carries a consignment of well know, popsters, celebs and political heavyweights - including Bono, Mick Hucknall, Courtney Love, Ally McBeal, the Manic Street Preachers, Nicky Wire, Richard Branson, Rupert Murdoch, German PM Gerhard Shroeder, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Metropolitan Police commissioner Paul Condon and Chilean dictator General Pinochet.

These lucky passengers are just some of Chumbawamba's least favourite people and 'Flight 1712' is destined to crash leaving no survivors.

The track caused a considerable stir when it was broadcast on US WXRK-FM radio, because the famous WXRK-FM so-called 'shock-jock' Howard Stern is also listed amongst passengers.

T A K E I T E A S Y. . .
I think someone should have a quiet word with Britney, as much as we love her I think she’s turning into the biggest geek in pop since well……Olivia Newton John.

Asked if she’ll be leaving ‘school’ now that she’s turned 18, she replied :
"No, I’m still going to study. I’m going to the University of Nebraska which is a high school for students who travel. All the dancers keep mucking around on the tour bus, but I just sit there with my books."

Christ Brit. You’re beginning to sound like Stephen Hawking on a Motley Crew Tour. I bet even Jesus had more fun on his book signing tour across Egypt promoting his book ‘Party Recepies for 5,000’.

Put your books down, chill and get some fun in you. Talk about ‘un-picked fruit in the forest of sex’. Come on ! You’ve made millions. You can have 6 way sex with anyone, at any time, any where. (Me and the lads from the snooker club are in the third door on your right every Thursday night at ‘The Sticky Beaver’, Stoke Newington.)

We’ll give you a couple of ‘Lessons’ and really have your arithmetic up there with Einstein.

Most of the lessons will be ‘practical’, with lots of ‘hands on’ experience. Typical questions involve subtracting and adding. Here’s an example…………

Britney, if you’re holding a snooker ball in one hand, and some chalk in the other, where the hell have you put the snooker cue ?

B R A T A W A R D S . . .
The Brat awards once again played host to every smug git in the music industry. God I’m glad I wasn’t there (I had another engagement at an ‘arts and crafts fair’) because from what I can see, it was the usual old donkeys in the ‘cred’ stable of popstars.

Oh look there’s Fat Boy Slim looking like a man who’s won the lotto (and considering what he’s achieved for a balding ex Housemartin he has). Oh Christ! Look!... if it ain’t Blur looking all ‘Cool and Arty’ even though they’re well over thirty and fat millionaires.

But this awards ceremony wasn’t as cool as it could have been due to the ‘Alan Partridge of pop’, Sir Paul McCartney getting on everyone’s tits as usual.

Now I’m a big fan of the Beatles, but once again old Macca did his wonderful impression of a Marks n’ Spencer model at an all night rave up in Ibiza. He also pulled out his old trick of looking like a headmaster trying to be hip at the end of term school disco.

Macca told the Brats "Can I just say thank you John, George, Ringo and thank you God. We were the coolest."

However, within seconds ‘The Frog Chorus’ was blasting out across the PA, and Macca was last seen running towards the nearest fire exit.

C U R E T H E M . . .
Those freaks The Cure returned to action this month, not that any one will notice. They release a new and typically ‘happy-go-lucky’ album : ‘BloodFlowers’.

For a band who’ve made a lot of money from dressing up as if it’s Halloween every day, this record is as challenging as blow football with an asthmatic nine year old.

However, the album does contain one very moving line….’So the fire is almost out and there’s nothing left to burn’.

Don’t worry lads, I’m sure they’ll be plenty to ‘burn’ once the record shops around Britain start sending back thousands of unsold copies of ‘BloodFlowers’. And may the flames of that large fire rise and burn your hairspayed heads to a crisp.

P L A S T E R . . .
I ‘ve always known there were a lot of ‘big knobs’ in the music industry and this has been highlighted by Old Gits Monthly, who feature "Cynthia Penis Plasterer" in their latest issue.

Cynthia made her name by making plaster cocks of such ‘giant’ names as Jimi Hendrix and Noel Reading. This week I called round to see how my plaster penis was shaping up.

‘God Cyn, I didn’t realise you did avant-guard plaster works as well. I mean look at this one. A small and deformed child’s finger ? "No Ben, that’s your Mr Chipolata’.

I quickly changed subjects. "God and look at this one! It looks as if you’ve filled a small turkey full of plaster." "Oh that one’s Marc Almond’s. He wanted something different. Lets just say it involved a funnel and lots of bending over. He loves it and comes back every Friday night to make a new one."

B O B B Y O' C O N N E R . . .
Good to see Sinead O’ Conner is still helping others in a desperate attempt to get in the papers again. This month she took old ‘drugged up Irish donkey’ Shane McGowan to Kentish Town Police station, where she broke the news to anyone who would listen that he is addicted to heroin and needs help.

I bet Shane was shaking her hand all the way to his cell.

Of course she did it with his best intentions at heart. ‘The Pogues Best Of’ is about to be re-issued and judging by Shane's costly addiction he could do with all the money he can get his hands on.

Apparently, Shane is now in a worse state than when he was constantly surrounded by junkies and drugs. "I keep seeing all these large policemen waving at me, and there’s all these tiny rats in me cell" Shane complained.

Sounds as if Shane has found him self some seriously good shit in there.

G O O G O O . . .
Looks like a normal and settled life is now in store for that former ‘wild man of rock’ Noel Gallagher. The birth of his new daughter ‘Anais’ (doesn’t it sounds like something your Nan had removed from her leg years ago?) will no doubt turn him into a non threatening gentle piece of ‘goo goo’. A bit like everything he’s released for the past three years.

Last week I called round on Noel and Meg to see how they were settling down into their new domestic bliss. Just as I got to the front door I heard Meg clearly having trouble with the wee one. "Stand up straight. Come on, let go of the bottle. Time for pee, pee."

As she answered the door I could hear the horrible little brat screaming in the distance. "Anais playing up again is she Meg ?" ‘What do you mean, Anais ?" she replied. "That’s Noel !"

M A C Y . . .

Well hip, hip hooray! If it ain’t that old Macy Gray popping out of every musical orifice in Great Britain. Her album is great and has done very well, for someone who sounds like a lawn mower full of gravel.

She's obviously loving all the attention. This week she announced that Calvin Klein has asked her to model for him.

Well, Macy judging by your arse (which is forever doing a very good impression of two badly parked ice cream vans) I can only assume he’s thinking about setting up an a massive XL collection.

S H I T S . . .
This week the nominations for that massive TV advert ‘The Brits’ were announced. I’m still stunned by what I have just witnessed. If anyone out there is feeling a bit down, just take a look at the ‘Best New Comers’ list.

Dear oh dear! Hello! Adam Rickett ! Charlotte Church !
And what about ‘Best female’! Beth Orthon ! Beverly Knight !

I can just see the nominations for next years awards…………

Best Newcomer…..Jimmy Cranky, and that boy off the Werthers Original advert.

Best female artist…..Jane MacDonald and Pam Ayres.

Get a grip you thick doughnuts! This awards show is beginning to look like a Friday night at the Bournemouth pier. The Brits should be worth watching though, if the rumours are true that good old Brian May will be joining musical monkeys ‘Five’ in a rousing rendition of ‘We Will Rock You’.

It will be like watching Crufts and Grange Hill all at the same time.

B U C K E D T O O T H E D B E A V E R . . .
Poor old bucked-toothed beaver Billie has been complaining like some old patient whose had the wrong kidney removed.

This week she cried "I don’t like expensive restaurants 'coz they give you cold soup and really small portions. I don’t like the starry places with Celebs. It’s as if they’ve all been selected to eat there". Quite, how you managed to slip through the net I’ll never know.

Listen love, the next time you’re crying into your cold ‘French soup de Dog’, take a look around at how they prepare the food and how it is served, because you may need put these things into practice sooner than you think, at a place called ‘The Harvester’.

© Copyright 2000
Insiders

	O A S I S H I T B Y S P E E D I N G M P 3. . . There’s hope for Oasis yet... Their album 'Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants' is widely available on the Internet well ahead of its official release date. We would pass on the URLs, but don’t want to encourage this kind of bad taste piracy. Rumours suggest a loving fan uploaded the tracks after blagging a US promo copy of the album from Sony. To make things worse you can also download full artwork for the album. This news will no-doubt upset the Oasis camp as they have already taken precautions to stop one bootlegger "Steve Pockett" from distributing the album on the www. If by any chance you think this catastrophe was a deliberate leak, engineered purely by -BIG B ROTHER- to advance the bands profile in the States (not to mention the impending release in the UK) - we won’t have it said...Oasis are nice boys and not that desperate!	------------------------- Bobby G Drugged up popstar Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream admitted that he went to see ‘Iggy Pop in Hamburg and felt like crying, it was so beautiful’. See what drugs can do to you kids! See what they did to Bobby’s mind! They made an old Monkey who looks like an over cooked lizard and who hasn’t had a hit single since 1976, look ’beautiful’. Stay away from them, they’re bad for you! ------------------------- Bad Karma The Chemical Brothers have turned down the chance to remix the Oasis version of ‘Helter Skelter’ saying it was ‘bad karma’ due to the Chales Manson link. I know what you mean lads. Chales Manson has murdered a lot of people, where as Oasis just murdered other peoples tunes. ------------------------- Video Nasty After poor sales of ‘Songs From The last Century’ George Michael’s label Epic have decided to turn to video as a way of regaining some lost revenue. This decison was made after the success of Cliff Richard’s video concert ‘Mistletoe and wine, Vodka and Heroin’, so look out for the new George Michael video coming soon: ‘George Michael…..live in the Park'. ------------------------- Droped balls Those mini Beach Boys, ‘Hanson’ are back in the game with a new album release. "This Time Around in Los Angeles" is a new departure for the boys. Rumours that well known producer Steve Lironi was only biding his time until their voices had broken were strongly denied. It was a serious artistic decision. ------------------------- Alan Mr Ex-Creation has come out. He has publicly confirmed his backing of that deranged nutter Malcolm McLaren in his bid for London Mayor. One can only imagine the campaign promises. ------------------------- Classics Need to revive flagging album sales? Call them classics and sell ‘em cheap. At least 2 of the Top 30 are there thanks to this little ploy. Mentioning no names…The Corrs, Red Hot Chili Peppers. ------------------------- Dr Fox The Channel 5 Pepsi Chart Show looks set for an overhaul. Sounds promising until you hear that Dr Fox is not due for the same treatment. Well budgets are obviously tight. ------------------------- Rise to the bate Gabrielle has hit the UK top spot with 'Rise' This hooky, little ditty features a notable sample from the Bob Dylan-hit 'Knocking on Heaven's Door'. 'Rise' is the first and quite probably the only number one from Gabrielle's album of the same name. We would have wished her luck - had it not been for the fact that she booted our favourite love doll Britney to the number two position. A publicist response to this was “Britney’s not a patch on Gabby, so it was only to be expected”. ------------------------- Y2K It looks as if the year 2000 will go down as the year of the Axe. This is largely due to the massive merger of America Online, Time Warner and EMI. Artist’s careers are now definitely ‘on the line’. It’s a bit like when my Clarks shoe factory was taken over by Beechams in March 1987. One minute my father Winston Hill was packing shoes, and the next he was packing his bags. I don’t want to start pointing figures, but one or two bands had better start producing ‘the goods. I’m looking at you Alanis Morrisette. The words ‘hit single’ must keep you awake in the same way the word ‘eviction’ still haunts the Levellers. With internet and record companies merging all over the planet of pop (keep an eye on Sony and Yahoo!) many acts that have struggled in recent years must realise that their ‘arses are on-the-line.’ Once again the Pet Shop Boys have got the wrong end of the stick, and are quite excited by this. Although the way their last album sold they need to keep an eye on their back sides more than anyone…..you never know when, or where, that axe will strike next! -------------------------
	F L I G H T 1712 . . . Chirpy Chumbawamba's latest offering in the States is a happy-go -lucky number about a doomed flight - 'Flight 1712'. 'Flight 1712' carries a consignment of well know, popsters, celebs and political heavyweights - including Bono, Mick Hucknall, Courtney Love, Ally McBeal, the Manic Street Preachers, Nicky Wire, Richard Branson, Rupert Murdoch, German PM Gerhard Shroeder, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Metropolitan Police commissioner Paul Condon and Chilean dictator General Pinochet. These lucky passengers are just some of Chumbawamba's least favourite people and 'Flight 1712' is destined to crash leaving no survivors. The track caused a considerable stir when it was broadcast on US WXRK-FM radio, because the famous WXRK-FM so-called 'shock-jock' Howard Stern is also listed amongst passengers.
	T A K E I T E A S Y. . . I think someone should have a quiet word with Britney, as much as we love her I think she’s turning into the biggest geek in pop since well……Olivia Newton John. Asked if she’ll be leaving ‘school’ now that she’s turned 18, she replied : "No, I’m still going to study. I’m going to the University of Nebraska which is a high school for students who travel. All the dancers keep mucking around on the tour bus, but I just sit there with my books." Christ Brit. You’re beginning to sound like Stephen Hawking on a Motley Crew Tour. I bet even Jesus had more fun on his book signing tour across Egypt promoting his book ‘Party Recepies for 5,000’. Put your books down, chill and get some fun in you. Talk about ‘un-picked fruit in the forest of sex’. Come on ! You’ve made millions. You can have 6 way sex with anyone, at any time, any where. (Me and the lads from the snooker club are in the third door on your right every Thursday night at ‘The Sticky Beaver’, Stoke Newington.) We’ll give you a couple of ‘Lessons’ and really have your arithmetic up there with Einstein. Most of the lessons will be ‘practical’, with lots of ‘hands on’ experience. Typical questions involve subtracting and adding. Here’s an example………… Britney, if you’re holding a snooker ball in one hand, and some chalk in the other, where the hell have you put the snooker cue ?
	B R A T A W A R D S . . . The Brat awards once again played host to every smug git in the music industry. God I’m glad I wasn’t there (I had another engagement at an ‘arts and crafts fair’) because from what I can see, it was the usual old donkeys in the ‘cred’ stable of popstars. Oh look there’s Fat Boy Slim looking like a man who’s won the lotto (and considering what he’s achieved for a balding ex Housemartin he has). Oh Christ! Look!... if it ain’t Blur looking all ‘Cool and Arty’ even though they’re well over thirty and fat millionaires. But this awards ceremony wasn’t as cool as it could have been due to the ‘Alan Partridge of pop’, Sir Paul McCartney getting on everyone’s tits as usual. Now I’m a big fan of the Beatles, but once again old Macca did his wonderful impression of a Marks n’ Spencer model at an all night rave up in Ibiza. He also pulled out his old trick of looking like a headmaster trying to be hip at the end of term school disco. Macca told the Brats "Can I just say thank you John, George, Ringo and thank you God. We were the coolest." However, within seconds ‘The Frog Chorus’ was blasting out across the PA, and Macca was last seen running towards the nearest fire exit.
	C U R E T H E M . . . Those freaks The Cure returned to action this month, not that any one will notice. They release a new and typically ‘happy-go-lucky’ album : ‘BloodFlowers’. For a band who’ve made a lot of money from dressing up as if it’s Halloween every day, this record is as challenging as blow football with an asthmatic nine year old. However, the album does contain one very moving line….’So the fire is almost out and there’s nothing left to burn’. Don’t worry lads, I’m sure they’ll be plenty to ‘burn’ once the record shops around Britain start sending back thousands of unsold copies of ‘BloodFlowers’. And may the flames of that large fire rise and burn your hairspayed heads to a crisp.
	P L A S T E R . . . I ‘ve always known there were a lot of ‘big knobs’ in the music industry and this has been highlighted by Old Gits Monthly, who feature "Cynthia Penis Plasterer" in their latest issue. Cynthia made her name by making plaster cocks of such ‘giant’ names as Jimi Hendrix and Noel Reading. This week I called round to see how my plaster penis was shaping up. ‘God Cyn, I didn’t realise you did avant-guard plaster works as well. I mean look at this one. A small and deformed child’s finger ? "No Ben, that’s your Mr Chipolata’. I quickly changed subjects. "God and look at this one! It looks as if you’ve filled a small turkey full of plaster." "Oh that one’s Marc Almond’s. He wanted something different. Lets just say it involved a funnel and lots of bending over. He loves it and comes back every Friday night to make a new one."
	B O B B Y O' C O N N E R . . . Good to see Sinead O’ Conner is still helping others in a desperate attempt to get in the papers again. This month she took old ‘drugged up Irish donkey’ Shane McGowan to Kentish Town Police station, where she broke the news to anyone who would listen that he is addicted to heroin and needs help. I bet Shane was shaking her hand all the way to his cell. Of course she did it with his best intentions at heart. ‘The Pogues Best Of’ is about to be re-issued and judging by Shane's costly addiction he could do with all the money he can get his hands on. Apparently, Shane is now in a worse state than when he was constantly surrounded by junkies and drugs. "I keep seeing all these large policemen waving at me, and there’s all these tiny rats in me cell" Shane complained. Sounds as if Shane has found him self some seriously good shit in there.
	G O O G O O . . . Looks like a normal and settled life is now in store for that former ‘wild man of rock’ Noel Gallagher. The birth of his new daughter ‘Anais’ (doesn’t it sounds like something your Nan had removed from her leg years ago?) will no doubt turn him into a non threatening gentle piece of ‘goo goo’. A bit like everything he’s released for the past three years. Last week I called round on Noel and Meg to see how they were settling down into their new domestic bliss. Just as I got to the front door I heard Meg clearly having trouble with the wee one. "Stand up straight. Come on, let go of the bottle. Time for pee, pee." As she answered the door I could hear the horrible little brat screaming in the distance. "Anais playing up again is she Meg ?" ‘What do you mean, Anais ?" she replied. "That’s Noel !"
	M A C Y . . . Well hip, hip hooray! If it ain’t that old Macy Gray popping out of every musical orifice in Great Britain. Her album is great and has done very well, for someone who sounds like a lawn mower full of gravel. She's obviously loving all the attention. This week she announced that Calvin Klein has asked her to model for him. Well, Macy judging by your arse (which is forever doing a very good impression of two badly parked ice cream vans) I can only assume he’s thinking about setting up an a massive XL collection.

	S H I T S . . . This week the nominations for that massive TV advert ‘The Brits’ were announced. I’m still stunned by what I have just witnessed. If anyone out there is feeling a bit down, just take a look at the ‘Best New Comers’ list. Dear oh dear! Hello! Adam Rickett ! Charlotte Church ! And what about ‘Best female’! Beth Orthon ! Beverly Knight ! I can just see the nominations for next years awards………… Best Newcomer…..Jimmy Cranky, and that boy off the Werthers Original advert. Best female artist…..Jane MacDonald and Pam Ayres. Get a grip you thick doughnuts! This awards show is beginning to look like a Friday night at the Bournemouth pier. The Brits should be worth watching though, if the rumours are true that good old Brian May will be joining musical monkeys ‘Five’ in a rousing rendition of ‘We Will Rock You’. It will be like watching Crufts and Grange Hill all at the same time.
	B U C K E D T O O T H E D B E A V E R . . . Poor old bucked-toothed beaver Billie has been complaining like some old patient whose had the wrong kidney removed. This week she cried "I don’t like expensive restaurants 'coz they give you cold soup and really small portions. I don’t like the starry places with Celebs. It’s as if they’ve all been selected to eat there". Quite, how you managed to slip through the net I’ll never know. Listen love, the next time you’re crying into your cold ‘French soup de Dog’, take a look around at how they prepare the food and how it is served, because you may need put these things into practice sooner than you think, at a place called ‘The Harvester’.
© Copyright 2000 Insiders