:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Next Update Fri 28th Jan 2000 JAN 2000
Issue 6 - Updated:21.1.2000

D E E P G R I T for the latest contributions....New I N S I D E R C A R D S coming this friday.... A R C H I V E for all back issues.

J A G G E R. . .
Well, it looks as if old ‘Life Boat Lips’ Mick Jagger has finally shagged himself out of a Knighthood.

His split with Jerry Hall (which consisted of them being seen together and having dinner for the paparazzi once a week) seems to have cost him dear.

This added to the fact that he’s fathered a child with some Brazilian Carnival Queen (yes she is Brazilian, and she is the Queen of the Taunton Carnival) and his great love of warm Mars Bars seems to have spelt the end of his quest for an audience with the Queen.
Also the Queen’s staff were worried about a possible meeting between the two, as our great Monarch can’t really afford to have another child at her age.

-------------------------

Caprice
Glad to see that Caprice has finally given up on trying to be a Pop star. She now wants to concentrate on ‘settling down’ with Arsenal and England defender Tony Adams.

Tony recently missed a couple of games due to ‘back problems’. Caprice said yesterday the injury happened whilst she and Tony were playing ‘pin the tail on the donkey’.

-------------------------

Tjinder
Cornershops’ Tjinder Singh was on the ‘couch’ in a popular music magazine this week. He was asked all sorts of’ interesting’ questions like, ‘What song describes you best?’ ‘Can you read music?' and ‘ Who was your first love?’ Well, I’ve got a question I’d love to ask you Tjinder... ‘How did you follow ‘Brim Full of Asha’. Oh, I forgot! You couldn’t could you.

-------------------------

Mark Owen
I know this is going to be painful, but I’ve found out what’s been going on with good old Mark Owen. Apparently, he’s been busy ‘writing and thinking about his options.’ Which is exactly what I do every week whilst at the Fulham job centre.

-------------------------

Hokker Rickett
Oh Mother o’ Mary, don’t look now, but Adam Rickett is photographed being all ‘manly’ in a teeny boppers mag. He’s covered in mud and rolling around with a load of over weight taxi drivers whilst playing ‘Rugby’.

Adam states I used to be a ‘hooker’ and my ‘trick’ was to ‘grab the opposing hooker and put my head between his legs so he couldn’t move.’

God Adam, I bet you couldn’t wait for every game! I also suspect you had another little ‘trick’ involving ‘heads and legs’ which was more difficult to pull off, especially in the showers.

-------------------------

Whitney
Well stone me, Whitney Houston has been caught trying to smuggle ‘drugs’ out of Hawaii. Apparently, her husband Bobby Brown is to blame after he got the wrong end of the stick when he was told the best way to get drugs out of the country was concealed in an ‘old worn out bag’.

-------------------------

Barlow
Gary Barlow is to star in Television’s ‘Heart Beat’. Good to see you’ve taken to serious acting roles Gary, especially after that disastrous audition for the soft porn flick ‘Edward Penis Hands’.

Apparently you were doing quite well until the director asked you to grab your ‘Gonzo’s nose’. I wish I’d been there as your ‘love Sword’ started to slowly disappear. ‘Don’t worry’ you cried. ’I’m used to this. Every thing I’ve touched has flopped for the last five years’.

-------------------------

R U B B E R B A N D I C A . . .
A little birdy tells me that Justine Frischman of Elastica is upset about the confessional nature of Damon Albarns lyrics on Blurs fantastique '13' album. She says that they were too personal and when it comes to her own writing she finds it hard to ' bare her soul'.

Lets face it Justine , you haven't found it very easy to bare anything, you've done fuck all for the past five years . The only reason your Wire covers band have been in the music press recently is because your dad (the 17th earl of Loxley) has been throwing them bungs!

You're starting to make The Stone Roses look like hard working musos. I mean, most bands tour after they release an album, you've been touring for a year and not one Adam Ant rip off yet.

Having said that I am looking forward to the new album due out April...2003, and if you're reading this Justine and you ever fancy coming round for a chat about Irish nationalism or spaghetti, my number is 0836 654636, but don't give it to any other members of your band, especially the one who looks like Chrissie Hynde with a moustache!

I D L E & W I L D . . .
Well ‘cock a doodle do’, if it isn’t those great musical monkeys ‘Idlewild’ who say they will release their new album ‘100 Broken Windows’ in April.

I’ve got a horrible feeling lads that there are gonna be a lot more ‘broken windows’ coming your way once I find out where you and your piss poor indie freaks live. Stop this now please, as I’m pretty sure the sound of broken glass will be far more melodic than anything you’ve ever released.

5 4 3 2 1 . . .
Red Hot rumours flying around regarding a proposed take over of the beloved EMI have resurfaced and this time it's not BMG, but Time Warner. Not content with the AOL merger it looks like EMI will become part of this ungodly plot on the music biz . Forget the complex business crap what this means is the number of major record companies will fall from 5 to 4 further diminishing the options available to recording artists, what gets released and promoted well enough to hit the charts.

Who's left...
Warner EMI Music.
Part of EMI, part of AOL or more specifically (Americans Own Lucifer)
Universal.
Part of the galactic takeover conspiracy by the evil Seagram.
Sony Music.
Part of Sony and just about anything else suffering from the small complex.
BMG.
Part of the OH Fuck Words fail me disorder.

D O W N O N T H E F A R M . . .
Old Farmer Eavis's dreams of Oasis and Radiohead heading the line-up for the Glastonbury Y2K could be slurried now that Richard Ashcroft has launched his solo career. Ashcroft sources are saying he'll only play the mud pit venue if he can have the Top Dog Saturday night headline slot.

How are the poor little Gallagher Girls going to feel if the former Verve frontman nicks their slot. They’ve tried so hard with the new album to be original and better than ever before, how can this be fair.

Whatever the outcome, this years show is sure to be muddied by mud and who does what, where and when is still up for grabs.

Oasis , Richard Ashcroft, Radiohead, David Bowie, Catatonia, Travis, Rage Against the Machine, WillieNelson, Nine Inch Nails - Please Note: there are very few festival events worth playing and you all need to promote your special flavour of Pop corn, be nice to Mr Eavis he’s only a poor old farmer after all.

S M A S H T H E P U M P K I N S _ R I P . . .
Inside sources report the much awaited news that the Smashing Pumpkins are to split after the next album 'Machina / the Machines of God', which is threatened to surface in the spring.

The ill fated Pumpkins, scared off their manager Sharon Osbourne last week after she stated she 'was pissed off with Billy Corgan and couldn’t work with him any more.

Billy Boy was reported to say “That’s it - this is the end of the Pumpkins - I need to conquer the world. I have that right, so let’s go out with a bang.”

Great smashing moments in the Pumpkins reign include the death of keyboardist Jonathan Melvoin. The 'you’re in, you’re out' plight of drummer Jimmy Chamberlain, who was sacked for doing to many drugs, then asked to come back. D'Arcy Wretzky who forgot how to play bass and left, only to be succeeded by another stupid name - Auf Der Maur - who couldn’t play bass in the first place.

R O B S D O G S . . .
Robbie Williams is now dating Channel 4’s Naked Elvis host Tania Strecker. I hope this romance lasts longer than the one he had with Andrea from the Corrs.

The Coorr romance began when Robbie sent Andrea red roses with a note which said : ‘Let Me Entertain you’. She replied with chocolates and a note that read : 'What can I do to make you Love Me?’ He replied with : ‘Screw me all night, whilst smashed out of your box on smack’.

Apparently this final note was taken from a title of one of Robbie’s rare B-sides and did the trick.

R U S T Y N A I L . . .
Yet another rusty nail has been driven into the future of the music business. The merger, or more accurately the take over of Time Warner by AOL and now the further merger with EMI has taken the world by surprise. Some might say what’s the problem? Mergers happen all the time! And they would be right, because all the majors are looking at various partners in the emerging new media communications arena.

Here manifests the problem. New media communications does not mean music, but a diluted mishmash of everything. Music in this larger arena is nothing more than a small component of the now referred to ‘Content’ acquired, commissioned or produced by a deluded breed of new media handymen who know nothing of the spirit that has created one of the most evocative forms of entertainment known to man. I feel another rant coming on.

B R I T N E Y I N T H E C I T Y . . .
Britney Spears is looking so, so hot at the moment. I keep feeling faint every time I look at her, due I suspect, to a massive rush of blood to a small section of my body. Not only am I ‘popping up’ all over the shop, but she is too.

She seems to be in the press and on T.V all the time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up on Casualty after a ‘massive chest complaint’.

I was just about to make more weak jokes about her being on Animal Hospital with her ‘knacked beaver’, when I heard the news that the love of my life is moving to good old London.

I can’t wait!!! I’ll be able to see her more often when she’s in Primrose Hill, she could even come and spend an evening at my ‘pad’. It has a beautiful view of the city, and is graced with a wonderful oak bench, and also hosts some of London’s most exotic animals. I could even give her a spin in one of my many motors.

I call my pad ‘Star De Ark’.
However, most narrow minded British people tend to call it ‘El Car de Park’.

C U R E H I M . . .
The Cure’s great unwashed lead singer Robert Smith is the first artist to refuse being impersonated by contestants on ITV’s ‘Stars In Their Eyes’.

Old gypsy nuts feels the programme ‘represents a side of British culture he abhors’.

Well Rob, making a career out of dressing up like someone who lives on a river boat during the day, and a street vagrant by night, is something I ‘abhor’.

Maybe it’s just as well no-one will be impersonating Rob on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’, as it would only confuse host Mathew Kelly. ‘Sorry viewers. I could have sworn we were going to have someone doing Robert Smith, but judging by the hair and make up it looks like Anita Dobson will be singing instead’.

D O N N I N G T O N . . .
Donnington Rock festival is set to return this year. Oh sweet Jesus. Listen, no one has missed this 'fuzzy-haired-peasants-in-leather festival. This 'Musical Funfair’ is a thorn in the side of British rock.

This is the year 2000, do we really need this shot in the head? No we need this as much as we need a Def Leopard come back tour.

I did try to help change the festival back in 1988 when I booked a young world music star by the name of Youssou N'Dour to perform as warm up for Guns n’ Roses. The crowd went ‘wild’.

He went down very well. When I say that, I mean he didn’t wobble or stumble, he just hit the deck straight away after the first bottle of piss hit him right between the eyes.

© Copyright 2000
Insiders

	D E E P G R I T for the latest contributions....New I N S I D E R C A R D S coming this friday.... A R C H I V E for all back issues. J A G G E R. . . Well, it looks as if old ‘Life Boat Lips’ Mick Jagger has finally shagged himself out of a Knighthood. His split with Jerry Hall (which consisted of them being seen together and having dinner for the paparazzi once a week) seems to have cost him dear. This added to the fact that he’s fathered a child with some Brazilian Carnival Queen (yes she is Brazilian, and she is the Queen of the Taunton Carnival) and his great love of warm Mars Bars seems to have spelt the end of his quest for an audience with the Queen. Also the Queen’s staff were worried about a possible meeting between the two, as our great Monarch can’t really afford to have another child at her age.	------------------------- Caprice Glad to see that Caprice has finally given up on trying to be a Pop star. She now wants to concentrate on ‘settling down’ with Arsenal and England defender Tony Adams. Tony recently missed a couple of games due to ‘back problems’. Caprice said yesterday the injury happened whilst she and Tony were playing ‘pin the tail on the donkey’. ------------------------- Tjinder Cornershops’ Tjinder Singh was on the ‘couch’ in a popular music magazine this week. He was asked all sorts of’ interesting’ questions like, ‘What song describes you best?’ ‘Can you read music?' and ‘ Who was your first love?’ Well, I’ve got a question I’d love to ask you Tjinder... ‘How did you follow ‘Brim Full of Asha’. Oh, I forgot! You couldn’t could you. ------------------------- Mark Owen I know this is going to be painful, but I’ve found out what’s been going on with good old Mark Owen. Apparently, he’s been busy ‘writing and thinking about his options.’ Which is exactly what I do every week whilst at the Fulham job centre. ------------------------- Hokker Rickett Oh Mother o’ Mary, don’t look now, but Adam Rickett is photographed being all ‘manly’ in a teeny boppers mag. He’s covered in mud and rolling around with a load of over weight taxi drivers whilst playing ‘Rugby’. Adam states I used to be a ‘hooker’ and my ‘trick’ was to ‘grab the opposing hooker and put my head between his legs so he couldn’t move.’ God Adam, I bet you couldn’t wait for every game! I also suspect you had another little ‘trick’ involving ‘heads and legs’ which was more difficult to pull off, especially in the showers. ------------------------- Whitney Well stone me, Whitney Houston has been caught trying to smuggle ‘drugs’ out of Hawaii. Apparently, her husband Bobby Brown is to blame after he got the wrong end of the stick when he was told the best way to get drugs out of the country was concealed in an ‘old worn out bag’. ------------------------- Barlow Gary Barlow is to star in Television’s ‘Heart Beat’. Good to see you’ve taken to serious acting roles Gary, especially after that disastrous audition for the soft porn flick ‘Edward Penis Hands’. Apparently you were doing quite well until the director asked you to grab your ‘Gonzo’s nose’. I wish I’d been there as your ‘love Sword’ started to slowly disappear. ‘Don’t worry’ you cried. ’I’m used to this. Every thing I’ve touched has flopped for the last five years’. -------------------------
	R U B B E R B A N D I C A . . . A little birdy tells me that Justine Frischman of Elastica is upset about the confessional nature of Damon Albarns lyrics on Blurs fantastique '13' album. She says that they were too personal and when it comes to her own writing she finds it hard to ' bare her soul'. Lets face it Justine , you haven't found it very easy to bare anything, you've done fuck all for the past five years . The only reason your Wire covers band have been in the music press recently is because your dad (the 17th earl of Loxley) has been throwing them bungs! You're starting to make The Stone Roses look like hard working musos. I mean, most bands tour after they release an album, you've been touring for a year and not one Adam Ant rip off yet. Having said that I am looking forward to the new album due out April...2003, and if you're reading this Justine and you ever fancy coming round for a chat about Irish nationalism or spaghetti, my number is 0836 654636, but don't give it to any other members of your band, especially the one who looks like Chrissie Hynde with a moustache!
	I D L E & W I L D . . . Well ‘cock a doodle do’, if it isn’t those great musical monkeys ‘Idlewild’ who say they will release their new album ‘100 Broken Windows’ in April. I’ve got a horrible feeling lads that there are gonna be a lot more ‘broken windows’ coming your way once I find out where you and your piss poor indie freaks live. Stop this now please, as I’m pretty sure the sound of broken glass will be far more melodic than anything you’ve ever released.
	5 4 3 2 1 . . . Red Hot rumours flying around regarding a proposed take over of the beloved EMI have resurfaced and this time it's not BMG, but Time Warner. Not content with the AOL merger it looks like EMI will become part of this ungodly plot on the music biz . Forget the complex business crap what this means is the number of major record companies will fall from 5 to 4 further diminishing the options available to recording artists, what gets released and promoted well enough to hit the charts. Who's left... Warner EMI Music. Part of EMI, part of AOL or more specifically (Americans Own Lucifer) Universal. Part of the galactic takeover conspiracy by the evil Seagram. Sony Music. Part of Sony and just about anything else suffering from the small complex. BMG. Part of the OH Fuck Words fail me disorder.
	D O W N O N T H E F A R M . . . Old Farmer Eavis's dreams of Oasis and Radiohead heading the line-up for the Glastonbury Y2K could be slurried now that Richard Ashcroft has launched his solo career. Ashcroft sources are saying he'll only play the mud pit venue if he can have the Top Dog Saturday night headline slot. How are the poor little Gallagher Girls going to feel if the former Verve frontman nicks their slot. They’ve tried so hard with the new album to be original and better than ever before, how can this be fair. Whatever the outcome, this years show is sure to be muddied by mud and who does what, where and when is still up for grabs. Oasis , Richard Ashcroft, Radiohead, David Bowie, Catatonia, Travis, Rage Against the Machine, WillieNelson, Nine Inch Nails - Please Note: there are very few festival events worth playing and you all need to promote your special flavour of Pop corn, be nice to Mr Eavis he’s only a poor old farmer after all.
	S M A S H T H E P U M P K I N S _ R I P . . . Inside sources report the much awaited news that the Smashing Pumpkins are to split after the next album 'Machina / the Machines of God', which is threatened to surface in the spring. The ill fated Pumpkins, scared off their manager Sharon Osbourne last week after she stated she 'was pissed off with Billy Corgan and couldn’t work with him any more. Billy Boy was reported to say “That’s it - this is the end of the Pumpkins - I need to conquer the world. I have that right, so let’s go out with a bang.” Great smashing moments in the Pumpkins reign include the death of keyboardist Jonathan Melvoin. The 'you’re in, you’re out' plight of drummer Jimmy Chamberlain, who was sacked for doing to many drugs, then asked to come back. D'Arcy Wretzky who forgot how to play bass and left, only to be succeeded by another stupid name - Auf Der Maur - who couldn’t play bass in the first place.
	R O B S D O G S . . . Robbie Williams is now dating Channel 4’s Naked Elvis host Tania Strecker. I hope this romance lasts longer than the one he had with Andrea from the Corrs. The Coorr romance began when Robbie sent Andrea red roses with a note which said : ‘Let Me Entertain you’. She replied with chocolates and a note that read : 'What can I do to make you Love Me?’ He replied with : ‘Screw me all night, whilst smashed out of your box on smack’. Apparently this final note was taken from a title of one of Robbie’s rare B-sides and did the trick.
	R U S T Y N A I L . . . Yet another rusty nail has been driven into the future of the music business. The merger, or more accurately the take over of Time Warner by AOL and now the further merger with EMI has taken the world by surprise. Some might say what’s the problem? Mergers happen all the time! And they would be right, because all the majors are looking at various partners in the emerging new media communications arena. Here manifests the problem. New media communications does not mean music, but a diluted mishmash of everything. Music in this larger arena is nothing more than a small component of the now referred to ‘Content’ acquired, commissioned or produced by a deluded breed of new media handymen who know nothing of the spirit that has created one of the most evocative forms of entertainment known to man. I feel another rant coming on.
	B R I T N E Y I N T H E C I T Y . . . Britney Spears is looking so, so hot at the moment. I keep feeling faint every time I look at her, due I suspect, to a massive rush of blood to a small section of my body. Not only am I ‘popping up’ all over the shop, but she is too. She seems to be in the press and on T.V all the time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up on Casualty after a ‘massive chest complaint’. I was just about to make more weak jokes about her being on Animal Hospital with her ‘knacked beaver’, when I heard the news that the love of my life is moving to good old London. I can’t wait!!! I’ll be able to see her more often when she’s in Primrose Hill, she could even come and spend an evening at my ‘pad’. It has a beautiful view of the city, and is graced with a wonderful oak bench, and also hosts some of London’s most exotic animals. I could even give her a spin in one of my many motors. I call my pad ‘Star De Ark’. However, most narrow minded British people tend to call it ‘El Car de Park’.

	C U R E H I M . . . The Cure’s great unwashed lead singer Robert Smith is the first artist to refuse being impersonated by contestants on ITV’s ‘Stars In Their Eyes’. Old gypsy nuts feels the programme ‘represents a side of British culture he abhors’. Well Rob, making a career out of dressing up like someone who lives on a river boat during the day, and a street vagrant by night, is something I ‘abhor’. Maybe it’s just as well no-one will be impersonating Rob on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’, as it would only confuse host Mathew Kelly. ‘Sorry viewers. I could have sworn we were going to have someone doing Robert Smith, but judging by the hair and make up it looks like Anita Dobson will be singing instead’.
	D O N N I N G T O N . . . Donnington Rock festival is set to return this year. Oh sweet Jesus. Listen, no one has missed this 'fuzzy-haired-peasants-in-leather festival. This 'Musical Funfair’ is a thorn in the side of British rock. This is the year 2000, do we really need this shot in the head? No we need this as much as we need a Def Leopard come back tour. I did try to help change the festival back in 1988 when I booked a young world music star by the name of Youssou N'Dour to perform as warm up for Guns n’ Roses. The crowd went ‘wild’. He went down very well. When I say that, I mean he didn’t wobble or stumble, he just hit the deck straight away after the first bottle of piss hit him right between the eyes.
© Copyright 2000 Insiders