It's bigger, it's better, it's coming ......but not this week ! Now I know I promised you a 'new look' INSIDERS this week, BUT, without 'beating around the bush' the big, fat, juicey CHEQUE from our new 'investor' hasn't cleared ! Not that we don't trust them or anything, but let's just say, you'll all have to wait till next week !


B A N A N A S P L I T. . . . .
Whilst holidaying in Texas (with my good friend ‘Randy Raper’) I was amazed to hear a story that will shatter Britney’s ‘The Lord is my Shepherd’ image forever.

Apparently, Britney was spotted pissed out of her mind in a New York nightclub at 3.00a.m. and swearing like ‘Bernard Manning at a German Beer Festival’. I know this story is bound to upset many of Britney’s huge perverted following, but I feel that the world (and our 7 readers) need to know what the ‘real’ Britney is like.

Well, last night I spoke to a key eyewitness, Mrs V.Fussy, who claims she saw Britney ‘spread eagled’ on the dance floor, wearing a skimpy showgirl costume, and holding a greased banana whilst playing a kinky sex game called ‘Banana Split’.

Mrs Fussy told me: "Britney was completely pissed, I asked if I could take a picture of her in the Ladies, but she told me to "shove that camera up my f***king arse". She was then photographed by my friend shoving a camera up my arse, which won’t look good in the papers. I couldn’t believe this was the same Britney who only a week ago was single handedly rebuilding a small village church roof in North Carolina!"

This latest controversy is bound to cause an uproar all over the world, at a time when Britney is desperately trying to focus the world’s media on her autobiography : ‘Heart To Heart’.

In this classic piece of literature, Britney’s mother lovingly recalls that ‘young Britney would have jumped off a roof if she thought it would get applause ‘.

If only Britney WOULD jump off a roof, I’m sure she’d get a massive wave of applause although her two massive ‘jugs’ would probably cushion the blow!


P L A Y B O Y . . .

Being one of Europe’s ‘top rock journalists’ I’ve seen some desperate publicity stunts in my time. I mean, w ho will ever forget Vanilla Ice turning himself into a huge six foot ‘Afro-Caribbean rapping sensation’ by using nothing more than a barrel of tarmac and some stilts in a desperate attempt to appeal to ‘black America’ in 1990.

And of course there was the time when Diana Ross set her personal Jumbo Jet on fire and made sure it ploughed straight into Mariah Carey whilst she sang at the Oscars Ceremony in 1993.

Well, this week Posh Spice has gone one better. Never one to shy away from the constant press attention, this week she and ‘what’s his name’ went back to their roots (no, not the set of ‘Planet of the Apes’ ) and visited a local Woolworths in Oldham, in a last ditched attempt to make sure her debut single ‘Out Of Your Mind’ gets to number one this Sunday.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, 6,000 ‘pubescent peasants’ turned up (which is more customers than Woolworths has had in over 130 years) and ‘bob’s yer uncle’ she’s all over the papers.

Mission Accomplished!

However, what would of made a far more interesting publicity stunt would have been if halfway through Sunday’s Charity Shield, Beckham suddenly turned away from Leboeuf, shimmied past Scholes, Keane and Giggs, before nut megging Stam and chipping Bartez from 40 yards. Then stripped off and ran off into the crowd with ‘Out Of Your Mind’ tattooed on his arse. To top it off, he could of ‘curled a large brown one’ on Vialli’s bald head. ……..If only !

But last week, the ‘celebrity couple’ stunned the world by announcing that they would ‘pose starkers’ for Playboy’ for a reported £200,000. Well, this week I can exclusively show you the results of last Sundays photo shoot. Yes, that’s Posh nude alright, but it ain’t David is it readers ? Unfortunately, due to a groin injury, David had to ‘pull out’ from the shoot. So, who did they get to replace him ? Yes, ‘supersub’, or ‘donkey dick’ to his team mates, Dennis Irwin !

So, did Playboy pay the Beckham’s £200,000 for the photo’s ? Of course not ! Posh got £100,000, as promised, Dennis got a five pound gift voucher for Mothercare, and a taxi home.


W H A T D O T H E Y L O O K L I K E ?
I never thought I’d say this, but I’d love to be in Steps ! Just imagine it, surrounded by a load of ‘hot beaver’ and all you have to do is dance like a ‘pissed up trapeze artist’ and mime along to an old ABBA kareokee tape.

And this week, news reaches me that the Steppers’ are due a massive pay day by performing for the Sultan Of Brunei at his luxurious palace in Melksham.

They follow in the foot ‘steps’ of many other artists who have performed for his Royal Highness.

Over the years his gold plated bidet has seen many big knobs’ from the world of entertainment. He’s had The All Saints, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson and Sting, all of which were paid a million quid each, just to turn up and ‘go through the motions’.

It makes me sick, true stars are being ignored. This week I can reveal that FIVESTAR are due to perform for the Mayor of Bristol, where they will be paid a mere £17.50, and a bag of ‘pick n’ mix’. Why should true stars suffer ?

However, I know that the young Sultana is an avid reader of the 'Insiders', so Mr Sultana, you must of heard of the young man who is taking the world of magic by storm. Terry Goodwin is a ‘one man light entertainment tour de force’.

Only last Sunday, he had the whole of the Lamb And Lion in the palm of his hand as he plucked a white dove from his shirt sleeve, and then made Ken’s wallet disappear into his pocket. We were truly mesmerised (until he drove off with the bar money, the wallet and Tina’s earrings.) Anyway, he beats Steps for pure entertainment value alone, and if you want his number contact me at the address at the top of the page.


K I N K Y S E X . . .
This week I can give you another shocking story that will have you quite literally shaking your head in disbelief. Yep, those Australian donkeys INXS are set to reform later this year. Now, I don’t want to ‘piss on their BBQ’ but there is one vital ingredient missing. Somehow I doubt whether ‘Need You Tonight’ will sound quite as good, minus the f**king vocals.

But who have they drafted in as a replacement ? Well, it’s none other than Terrance Trent ‘No hit since 1987’ D’arby ! Lord, this could be the biggest shambles since that time Winston Churchill tried to cut back on Britain’s second World war effort by using hand gliders instead of RAF fighter planes.

It’s not INXS I feel sorry for, it’s poor old Michael Hutchance, the man wrongly accused of committing suicide whilst participating in a ‘kinky sex game’ in a Sydney hotel room nearly three years ago.

I know, because my Uncle Reggie suffered the exact same fate when he was found suffocated to death whilst wearing a pair of woman’s fish-net stockings with an orange rammed in his mouth! It looks bad I know, but the truth of the matter was that Reggie had returned from the Village Panto where he was playing one of the Ugly Sisters (hence the stockings) and was just innocently tucking into his home grown oranges, when he slipped on one of his false eye lashes and smacked his head against the oven, killing himself instantly.

You see, nothing sinister at all, just a tragic accident !

Admittedly, it was a lot more difficult explaining to the Police about the black leather studded gas mask, and the handcuffs, but come on ! who doesn’t wear them these days ?


U N F A I T H F U L . . .
Yesterday Scotland Yard released the original court files which give a clear picture of what really went on at The Rolling Stones infamous Redlands drugs bust of 1967. For thirty odd years now not even the Stones themelves could recall what actually happened on that fateful night that brought their ‘summer of love’ to a grinding halt.

The records tell us that at 11pm Keith Richards answered the door to what he thought was an old man in drag (It later turned out to be none other than Bill Wyman) after which up to forty officers stormed into the mansion looking for anything connected with drugs, porn and ‘general trouble’.

The Police didn’t have to look far. Brian Jones was instantly found spread out on an African elephant skin rug whilst having sex with what he thought was a young Jamaican woman (who later turned out to be Jimi Hedrix). After arresting everyone in sight, the head of the Police drugs squad (Sgt Pilcher) searched the entire contents of the property. After a mammoth 12 hour search, every sniffer dog in the force came back stoned out of their minds. It took two days for the dogs to recover, by which time they’d forgotten where they’d found the drugs in the first place.

One person who was definitely alive and well during the bust, was a ‘fur skin’ clad, Marianne Faithful. For years after the trial she has always protested that in no way what so ever, was a Mars bar found in her ‘furry purse’.

In fact, it was just about the only Chocolate bar that wasn’t trapped in her ‘wookey hole cave’ ! Now, for the first time in thirty years, I can exclusively reveal what Police Sniffer dogs actually found in Marianne Faithful’s ‘velvet goldmine’.
So, here’s the list in full………………..

1 bar of Toblerone.
4 packs of Cadburys Chocolate fingers.
7 Caramel eggs.
5 Marathons.
2 king size Twix.
4 tins of Quality Street.
9 packets of Cadbury’s Chocolate Buttons.

As you can tell, she was a hungry girl that night !