Now I know I promised you a 'No Robbie Week' this week, but we just couldn't resist,
I mean,somebody has to fly the flag for Britain. Robbie and Geri are our nation's answer to the ' Brad 'n' Jennifer ' match made in heaven, but will it last? I do hope so !

Well, It's been an action packed, all singing, all dancing week in popular music, or 'unpopular' in Oasis' case, yes, we've sent our reporters out to every, low-down flea pit in the country that our budget will allow - bringing you the gossip straight from the horse's mouth. Happy birthday Jennifer !


B E S T O F B R I T I S H . . . . .
Well, love a duck who should be caught with his trousers down (again) this week but old ‘Sex Machine’ Robbie Williams, who is now ‘In Love’ with ( shagging the arse off ) old ginger baboon Geri Haliwell. No seriously, he is in LOVE, dissing suggestions that he was dating old slapper ‘Duran Duranette’ Amanda De Cadenet.

Lord above, will this man ever stop ? Last week I slagged off his ‘Maori sex powers’ but, as it was pointed out to me by my best mate... Dan ‘Fingers’ Mc D
I could do with a bit of help in the ‘ Mr Penis goes to Fannyland’ department !
Hey, if it works for Robbie, maybe it could work for me ? So, I decided to book an appointment to see a leading Maori Guru ‘Boo’ from Alaska. ( Unfortunately, this got me nowhere, my mobile phone reception was so bad, that I ended up talking about my sex life to a woman called ‘Sue’ from ‘Asda’.)

After this ‘cock up’ I made a beeline straight for Robbie and Geri’s ‘Love Yacht’ which is currently situated in the calm waters of the Mediterranean. It took me little more than 87 hours to track them down, with nothing but a small childs water wing and my mother's hot water bottle.

I must admit , I had my work cut out, but as soon as I had dried out my leotard, I quickly got the low down on the newest show biz couple in the harbour.

Geri told me : "This is the love I’ve been waiting for ! It’s magic, I hope it will last forever".

Robbie told me. : "This is the PR stunt I’ve been waiting for. It will last until my single hits number one next week".

I must admit, I was a little disappointed, I thought this was for real, oh well, I wish them both all the happiness in the world, really I do !


H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y . . .
Despite recent troubles with the law, Puff Daddy this week found time to arrange a 30th birthday bash for the ‘hottest beaver in the world’ Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer was in tears as 250 of her ‘closest chums’ surprised her at a private party at New York’s number one Lesbian night club ‘The Sticky Beaver.’

Here, Puffy and Jennifer partied the night away and had the ‘time of their lives.’
However, whilst speaking to me from her hill top retreat ( just outside Reading ), Jennifer broke down and told me that the evening had not been as happy as it appeared. She said it had been 'budget job' as Puff had to cut corners following his massive tour flop.

As I struggled with my own ‘massive flop’ she opened her heart and told me of her ‘low price’ birthday party…

"The food was just awful. We had these terrible sausage rolls which Puff told me had been specially ‘hand made’ by a very respectable French company called ‘Quick Save’. We then had to drink from bottles of wine that Puff told me were ‘antique’, but a bottle of ‘Blue Nun’ from 1986 was just not up to the standards I had been hoping for ".

After hearing these words from the woman I love, I decided she needed a ‘top notch’ night out, so, with a quick flick of my Grandmother’s credit card, we were soon enjoying a highly expensive night out in a top Italian restaurant. Yep, ‘ Pizza Hut ’ really did hit the mark. I then whisked her off to see a deeply romantic film.

Admittedly, Stuart Little was not quite the intellectual masterpiece I had been hoping for, but at least Jennifer had a great night to remember. I hope you’ll take note Mr Puff. If you want love to last, you’ve got to treat the bitch right.


N E V E R T H E T W A I N . . .
Looks as if old ‘Glenn Hoddle in Drag’ Shania Twain has definitely been up to no good this week. I’ve been in-undated with calls from across the pond (not America, but from Terry who lives ‘across the pond’ at the far end of the local Golf course ). Apparently, she’s been having sex with every Shlong, Dick and Fanny’ (as long as it’s not with her husband Mutt ‘ I look like a bull dog chewing a wasp ’ Lange).

Yep, late last night I got a call from a woman called Sherrie Higgins, claiming that she caught Shania playing ‘Captain Cock goes to Pussy Island’ with her beloved husband Mr Hiigins. This story is not going down at all well in America, where Shania is treated as the new ‘Mother Teresa.’ ( Mother Teresa’s first album ‘Prayers From The Ghetto’ is still top of the Billboard charts……. 100 years after it was released).

Sherrie told me (in complete confidence): "I thought it would be fun to just show up. When I opened the door, my husband and Shania were naked on the couch making love ".

Although Mr Higgins denied he had sex with Shania ( " we were just about to, when my F***ing wife turned up "), Shania is insisting they were looking for his car keys, when he suddenly remembered that he may of left them ‘down the side of the sofa’. Shania claims she innocently misheard him, and thought he’d said "lets get on my slide. I’ve got a lofer ".

This is not the first time Shania has courted controversy. In March 1994, the ‘Shania Twain Society For The Blind’ was infamously accused of ‘gross insensitivity’ when it promised to send a guide dog for a small blind girl in the village where Shania grew up.

However, this promise soon turned into one of the biggest cock up’s of all time when a mix up in ‘Shania’s office resulted in the blind girl being sent ...a small Blind Dog and a Girl Guide’.


W H A T A S A I N T . . .
Some nights when I lay in my darkened room, with rats running from one bale of hay to another, I need inspiration. I need a sense of hope, hope that one day the courts of Great Britain will clear my name of any wrong doing. ( Those dolphins were on fire way before I arrived at ‘Water World’.) Prison is a lonely place, but this week the country’s new ‘number one singing sensation’ gave me hope where there was no hope before.

Yep, Craig Davis this week cried like a baby in a hurricane as he told anyone who’d listen that his rise to the top has not been an easy ride. In fact it’s a strange and heart warming ‘rags to riches story’ that for me is up there with the heart rending tale of ‘Pee Pee’ the Mexican race horse who went on to win Olympic gold in 1984 despite only having three legs. ( His performance in the javelin was exceptional.)

But just listen to the struggles this young 19 year old R n’ B superstar had to deal with before finding fame…

"We were just so poor, one day we had a Bar-B-Q, and the hot dogs were my sister’s fingers. My parents couldn’t afford a school uniform for me, so I had to go to school in my sister’s ‘hand me downs’ but it was character building stuff ( I had the shit kicked out of me on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday , I chilled out in hospital on Saturday and Sunday). I think this is how I developed my unique way of singing." ( aow , muh, hey, fu, ck )

"Christmas was just terrible in our run down caravan. For years we just sat there waiting for our presents to come, but Dad used to tell me that unfortunately Father Christmas was ‘too knackered’. He told me one year that Rudolph had had an accident, he’d ploughed into a hand glider. Even to this day I still sit down with my family for roast water melon with all the trimmings on the day that Jesus was born."

However, since scoring a massive hit with ‘Seven Days’ which hit number one on Sunday, Craig has ‘got the f**ck out of Southampton’ , but he hasn’t forgotten his roots, or his family. Oh no, with his new found success and CASH, he has been able to buy a roof, windows and wheels for his family’s old rusty Caravan, where his 16 brothers and 13 sisters still live. There's even talk of paying for an extension to be built so that his father, Colin and his wife Tina of fifteen years ( Yes, she’s fifteen, he’s 42 ) can have their own space !............What a heart of gold !

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O Z Z Y O Z Z Y O Z Z Y . . .
If ever there was a man who should be up there with the Greatest men of all time (Jesus, Ghandi …. Ian Rush) it would have to be a man who single handedly turned a boring BBC, middle-of-the-road Monday night, into the 'stuff of legends'.

Yep, Ozzy Osbourne is a GENIUS. It must take a whole team of script writers to write Nick ‘fat prick’ Hancock’s script, but Ozzy still had all the best lines.

Looking like an extra from Bram Stokes Dracular, Ozzy once again reeled off the same old stories, but these are the kind of stories the Bible could of done with to liven it up a bit! So, here for all of you donkeys who missed it, are the edited highlights…

Nick Hancock : "You did try to murder your wife, Sharon once didn’t you ?"

Ozzy : " It wasn’t my fault. I was pissed, but yeah….. yeah."

Nick Hancock : "Your wife then tried to get you to quit drinking by sending you to the Priory Clinic, didn’t she? "

Ozzy : "Yeah, she told me it was a place where they taught you how to drink properly, so when I arrived, I just asked where the bar was."

Ozzy also told how he came home after a tour, and took an instant dislike to the new chicken coop which Sharon had installed in the garden. Having blown all but one of the chickens away with a shot gun, Ozzy was chasing the sole survivor around with a sabre, when his next door neighbour called out : "Good Morning John. I see you’re back, are you unwinding ?"

Yep, Ozzy Osbourne is a GENIUS !


H E R O E S . . .
Looks as if David Bowie is in for the bumpiest ride since him and Mick Jagger last ‘spent the night together’.

This week news reaches me that he is to have his ‘arse sued off’ by an English poet who claims she wrote the lyrics to his 1977 single ‘Heroes’.

Shuna Shelley (sounds like a lesbian) told me : " After the death of Jim Morrison, I thought David Bowie could be the prince of pop in England. He was talking about androgyny, art and bisexuality in an interesting way.

As the lyrics to the song suggest, I really believed that with our combined talents, we could be King and Queen, we were collaborators, but I feel hard done by, and feeI I have to expose him ! "

I'm sure you would wacko !........Jesus Christ ! Is this what poor old Bowie has to put up with ? Some fucking ‘fruit loop’ chasing after him. Bowie has replied to the allegations, insisting : 'Absolute tosh. What a silly girl.’ ( actually he used stronger language than that, but this is a family mag ! )

I too, would have to agree. Any freak that would admit to writing the most piss poor lyrics in the history of pop needs to be put down. I mean come on. ‘I wish you could swim like dolphins could swim like the dolphins can swim." sounds like the kind of shit you’d write whilst coke'd up to the eye balls watching an episode of ‘Flipper’.

Of course those words are Bowie's…… I rest my case !

It seems unbearable I know. It's not as if the money's good either - I mean, $10m per film is simply 'Slave Labour'. I'm telling you, I would'nt get out of bed for under£20

HELLO.... what a whinging, spoilt, prize DORK. " All I want to do is play the guitar man, making movies just leaves me cold ". Well, I know what you mean there Keanu, I felt exactly the same watching 'SPEED' it was SHITE ! though I do have a thing about Sandra Bullock, but that's another story....

Apparently, Keanu is only happy when he's 'jamming' with the film crew in between 'takes',

I was told by his agent : "Keanu would give it all up tomorrow if his band
'Dogstar' became sucessful"

Well, ladies and gents, I've heard Dogstar and believe me, there's more chance of England winning the World Cup ! i.e. not a hope in hell ( unless Mr Reeves decides to buy a major record company, and a large Radio Station, which, judging from his bank balance isn't out of the question ! )

No, I think we're safe, don't worry, there will be a Matrix II, III, IV and V

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Oops I did it wrong
Poor little Britney Spears was caught out as a ‘class A mime artist’ this week when her backing CD suddenly started skipping half way through a performance in America. (Oops she did it again!)

Fans were left ‘gob smacked’ , one disillusioned little monkey told me : " you literally could not see her lips move, it was so embarrassing ! I think Britney should set an example to the other Pop acts out there by actually singing LIVE. "

Ah, the innocence of youth eh ? I remember the exact same thing happening on the last Jive Masters And The Bunny Mixers tour in 1988, but hey, no one noticed !
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Watch it Michael
Michael Jackson is being sued for 1 million pounds this week after a diamond watch he bought on approval was never paid for, and came back to the shop covered in scratches.

A spokesman for the Jewellers David Orgell told me : "Jackson handed back the watch after he’d been involved with some ‘fisty cuffs’ up a back alley in the Portuguese ‘Valley Of Our Souls’.

I'll just leave that one with you
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Corr, I'm bushed
Looks as if Andrea ‘Can I blow your penny whistle’ Corr is now humping the arse off that singing window cleaner Gavin Rossdalen from rock band ‘Bush’.

This week she phoned me at home to confirm she had let her ‘bush have a piece of Bush’ and that they are now an item.

And in the latest issue of ‘Old Gits Monthly’ she admits she likes "Good music, good wine, good people, different cultures, passion".

Sounds as if you could do with a night down the ‘Lamb and Lion’ we have ‘good music and different cultures’, because the barman Terry is from Sunderland, and his wife Tina is from Newcastle…… and they both like a wide range of different music from White Snake to Gun’s N’ Roses.

Feel free.
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Like father like son
Lord, no wonder Eminem has kept his father out of the spot light, it’s because he looks like a Birmingham City player from 1982.

It seems that the rap star is embarrassed by his father’s plea to the newspapers, stating that he would like to make up for lost time. He has always loved his son and heir and deeply regrets leaving his family all those years ago. He had made a huge mistake and just wants forgiveness (and $500,000 no doubt !)

However, I’ve got a feeling this will never happen, judging by the lyrics concerning his Father …

"When you see my Dad, tell him I slit his throat in the dream I had."

Some how I doubt Xmas cards will be exchanged between these two this year.

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Bottle 'em
Oasis were forced off the stage at a Festi val gig in Switzerland,
" I don't care about the verbal abuse" said Noel
" I'm used to that from my little brother, but when the bottles started flying, I thought, f**ck that, I'm off."

Reports suggest that Oasis are not pulling in the crowds that they were once able to 'hoodwink'. And this incident furthers suggestions that they will soon be forced to retire gracefully.....with a bit of luck!

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Wood he, could he
Well you can't teach an old dog new tricks ! After our report last week that Ronnie Wood was 'going on the wagon' we can reveal that we spotted him this week necking several pints at a charity bash in London

"Listen mate, this isn't drinking, it's only beer ! I could drink this weak shit all night ! "

And he did, all night, all morning, in fact he hasn't stopped since I left him chatting up the barmaid at the Dog and Duck at lunchtime !