We're getting Hit! the word is spreading, just when I thought I might have to go out and get a proper job, figures indicate a bumper month of 'hits' to the Insider site. Hey, we might even be able to pay ourselves this week...wehey!

As always, I need to make a few apologies......as you rightly pointed out, last week our Picture Editor made a big 'f***ck up' . Unfortunately, he decided to swap the images of the two 'Patsy's, Miss Palmer and Ms Kensit. In his defence, he told me..... " I thought it would be funny ! " .......NO John, it wasn't and you're fired .

His remarks about Miss Kensit being an old dog was also considered bad taste,as she is obviously not Old !

S O U L S I S T E R . . . . .
Looking like Fatima Whitbread in a sauna, who should pop up this week like a ‘Sex Machine’ gone berserk on viagra, yes none other than the ‘father of Soul’ himself....Mr James Brown ,caught shopping in a Kent Oxfam shop.

Whilst on his way to the Essential Festival in Brighton, old ‘Snake Hips’ made some rather dubious purchases from one of those Granny Jumble Sales.

So what did he buy? Some ‘Groovy’ bell bottoms, or some ‘Funky, platform sandals? No, he bought a size 8 black dress and some golden stilettos.

Now, I don’t know about you lot out there, but the words ‘Cross Dressing, Sick Pervert’ suddenly spring to mind. (I don’t want to set tongues a’ wagging, but have you ever seen old TV-AM Chef, ‘Rusty Lee’ and James Brown in the same room together? I think NOT ! Surely something ‘queer’ is going on ! )

James Brown is the latest in a long line of celebrities who have taken to buying the clothes that starving African Children didn’t want anymore ( I think that’s the way Oxfam works isn’t it ?) Only last month, Madonna was seen buying some ‘crotch-less knickers’ (which had been donated by my Uncle Reggie after 73 years of ‘wear n’ tear’) from an Oxfam store in Hackney.

Even Mark Owen was seen buying some ‘piss stained bed linen’ only last week. (Although, I think that had more to do with financial reasons, rather than just trying to be trendy).

So there you go. Who needs Versace when you’ve got Slazenger or UMBRO.

Isn’t it good to see that underneath those massive egos there is a more humane side to those millionaire rock stars, even though sometimes they do get the wrong end of the stick, seeing as Mr Brown paid £100 for ‘everything in the window’ ( one Rubic’s cube and a box of crayons, even when there was a half price sale on )

Oh well, I’m sure all the money is going to a good cause. I’m sure the staff of Oxfam had one of the biggest piss ups of all time, once Mr Brown had hobbled out of the shop in his black skirt n’ high heels.

Apparently, James was subsequently held up at Heathrow after Security mistook him for Diana Ross!


T R A G E D Y . . .
News has hit me today that ‘Steps’ are to present a brand new ‘one off talent show’ for the Beeb over the August Bank Holiday.

However, with big names such as Lionel ‘why don’t you just fuck off’ Ritchie, and the old ‘singing rat’ Lu Lu, I’ve got a feeling this is going to be one of the biggest shambles since Wolverhampton Wonderers put that blind boy in goal.

I can just see it now, as Steps mime their way though every one of their Gay Anthems, whilst the clown of the Band H does some hilarious magic tricks involving ‘doves and some lighter fuel.’

However, I can exclusively reveal that rehearsal’s for the show have been going terribly.

Last Wednesday ‘Tragedy’ struck when one of the Police dogs that was part of a Metropolitan Police dog display caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to the Granada Studios where the rehearsals were being staged.

‘Rover’ was due to jump through a ‘hoop of fire’ straight into H’s arms. It was due to be the show’s ‘Grand Finale.’ However, things went from bad to worse when Rover’s fur was set a blaze by the ‘hoop of fire’. In a nut shell, H was left holding a dog in flames. Badly burnt and screaming in agony, H dropped Rover as chaos spread throughout the building.

Was Rover finished ? No. He ‘flaming’ wasn’t. Dodging two WPC’s he made a bee line for the group's producer Pete Waterman. The screams could be heard throughout Birmingham as Rover sunk his teeth into Pete’s neck and wrestled him to the ground. By now Lisa and Claire were desperately trying to hose the poor animal down, but Rover was far from finished. Rover was quite literally ‘on heat.’

He left Pete for dead and ‘like ‘Lassie on speed’ jumped on Lisa and started pounding away at her left leg. Then without a second thought, Rover unleashed a vicious spray of ‘red hot love juice’ that left Lisa with 90 degree burns. And with that Rover ran off, out of the stage door, and down the High St where he caused over 4 million pounds worth of fire damage in Russell And Bromley. Rover was finally seen flying somewhere over the Bull Ring after he was hit by a Shell Oil lorry.

The band were very shaken, and the RSPCA have launched their own investigation. I only wished they’d caught it on camera. That dog had more talent than the whole group put together.


A B R A K E B A B R A . . .
Have you seen the video for Robbie William’s new single ‘Rock DJ’ ? There’s bits of flesh flying everywhere ! It reminds me of the time my Uncle Reggie went berserk in a Kebab van in 1985.

He ended up having to pay ‘ABRA-KE-BAB-RA’ millions of pounds in damages. They were still finding pieces of rotting flesh, weeks after his violent attack. (half price of course)

Anyway, back to Robbie. Not only has his ‘horror’ video caused outrage across the globe, but it seems that poor little Robbie is regretting his decision to give one of his best songs for years, away to some tacky ‘collect the ring pulls’ campaign by ‘Pepsi’.

It works like this, you have to guzzle 50 cans of the ‘liquid tarmac’, just to collect enough ring pulls to get a free Robbie CD. (Judging by the size of Mel C, it looks as if she’s been guzzling most of it….and she doesn’t even want the disk).

Apparently, the Pepsi song ‘United’ pisses all over his latest crock of shit ‘Rock DJ’ but it’s too late to do anything about it !

The fact that he was given a wheel barrow full of gold coins for his song, and that he will get massive ‘free’ marketing and publicity from this campaign, leaves me crying in my Rola Cola……


C O C K N E Y G O L D . . .
Lord love a’ duck ! I don’t know about you sad little freaks out there, but my Sunday was definitely made a whole lot better thanks to Martine McClutcheon doing what she does best….getting her tits out for the tabloids.

Lets just say, my usual Sunday morning fry up, suddenly had one extra sausage with no extra charge !

She looks fan-tas-tic. Only last Sunday she looked like the last dog at Cruff’s.This week she looks like Lassie. Why the f***ck does she have to sing ? It ruins the whole package.


However, behind the large plastic breasts and ‘sperm whale body’ beats a heart of ‘pure cockney gold’. This week my favourite ‘singing air hostess’ broke down and told me of her heart break…

"I don’t know who my real friends are half the time, Ben. If it wasn’t for you allowing me to relax on your private beach ‘sandy crack’ then I don’t know where I could have gone to get over the stress of touring. I don’t know if you know, but last year someone took some terrible, intrusive pictures of me with my tits out. Thank the lord I can trust you fully, as you and your Uncle Reggie have been such good friends to me. I couldn’t risk skinny dipping anywhere else in the world".

As soon as she’d finished splashing around with her hooters out, I snatched the camera off Reggie who had been snapping away like a pervert in a whore house.

I had the photos developed and sold by the time she had put her pants back on.

The News Of The World had her ‘splashed’ across every page and I was £50,000 better off. What a day, what a friend, and what a pair of tits.
Thank you Martine. We love You…….From your ‘best friends’, Ben and Reggie !
’

T A K E T H A T . . .
Every now and then, a story comes my way that leaves me quite literally crying like a baby. Who could forget that heart breaking moment when a pissed up Gary Barlow ploughed into the back of a race horse, and then desperately tried to save it by giving the poor animal a heart massage ?

Had Gary been sober enough, he may have realised that seeing as the horse’s heart was impailed on his jeep’s head lamp, his efforts were a waste of time! Gary was left with tears in his eyes and blood on his hands.

It was a dark day for everyone concerned with the Grand National that year, and many people wondered how Gary’s jeep had managed to get onto the race course that sunny afternoon. Gary walked away that day with nothing but some horse skin trousers and his career in tatters.




M A R I A H C A R E S . . .
Talking of horses, here’s another ‘pop star-animal’ story. This week it’s the turn of Mariah ‘big tits’ Carey. Last night she called me at my seaside home in Dover, just to tell me how she’d done a ‘Bill Oddie’ and saved some poor seagull’s life. Fighting back the tears she told me…….

"I was doing a video, when I noticed a bird in distress. He seemed unable to fly, his feather’s were all ruffled and his wing looked as though it was broken. I love all kinds of animals, so I had to rescue it. He was dazed and let me cradle him in my arms. I took the bird to my house , and my house keeper made a splint for his wing. We made a perch in the corner and called it ‘Charlie."

Mariah went on like this for hours as I tucked into a lovely helping of roast chicken and pheasant. I told Mariah not to worry, as I too had saved a small seagull that had been covered in oil. I had found the poor animal in Elton John’s hotel bathroom. I don’t want to say too much, but I’m certain Elton wasn’t giving it flying lessons in there.


H E L L O T I G E R . . . .
Let’s just say it’s a ‘slow news week’ here in the office, and I know you freaks don’t want to read about Richie from Five again.

So let’s get back to good old ‘Red Hot Robbie Williams.’ I know he’s been featured elsewhere on this page, but he’s dropped his trousers again, and seeing as we’re desperate for news we have decided to take notice!

The last time anyone caused this much publicity for getting his knob out was my Uncle Reggie, who would have got away with it, had it not been live on ‘Children In Need’. Man, those kids were running for their lives!

But this week, not content with showing us his impression of ‘the last turkey in the butchers at Christmas’ he also confessed his frustration at not being able to hump the arse off Kylie Minogue when they last recorded together. He told me……"I didn’t sleep with her and I was seriously thinking of dumping our duet off my album because she wouldn’t."

Sour Grapes. Brilliant ! Good on you Kylie. This ‘sex monkey’ has had enough ‘hot sex’ to last a life time. May I take my hat and ‘trousers’ off to you for keeping your ‘rusty barn doors’ shut whilst this dirty fox was sniffing around your barn yard.

And a word to you ‘carrot cock’ Williams.

Maybe the reason Kylie didn’t want to play ‘Mr Dickie goes to fanny land’ was because you’re wearing those ‘comedy’ Tiger underpants.

I don’t want to come over all ‘DR Love’ but for years and years I wore my ‘Lucky’ Elephant underpants and had the chicks running to the hills. This was because every time my ‘beast’ was ‘awake’ my elephants trunk suddenly looked hideously deformed.

Apparently, Miss Sarah Ball threw a wobbly at Ronan because his son, Jack was singing " La La La La" loudly and out of tune!

When Ronan turned round to confront Miss Ball, he explained that it wasn't his son singing at all ! That it was in fact his good self, rehersing his latest song - a song that he had proudly wtritten, all by himself and had just finished the 'killer chorus' of ... La,La,La,La,

Embarrassed, and slightly confused, Miss Ball told Ronan that "We've all paid good money to sit here in First Class, and that he should know better !"

Well my darling, unfortunately he doesn't, by the time his lyrisist has weaved his magic ( i.e. rewritten the whole chorus) and his 'Producer' has weaved his magic in the studio ( i.e. AUTO TUNER ) - the song will be polished and selling by the millions.

And that's POP MUSIC
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Its all off
Is it on, or is it off? The showbiz world of arranged romances (i.e. anything to get your name in the papers) has claimed its' latest victims, Mel C and J from five, leaving the poor little monkeys in tears. (Quick, give me a bucket to relieve myself of the out of date, 'cheap to clear' chicken tikka sandwich I bought at lunchtime!)

This has come as a double blow for poor ‘Tubby Tucker’ Mel C, who has once again hit back at claims that she is a ‘Lezzer.’

This week she phoned me from her holiday home in the Greek Island of ‘Lesbos’ to finally put the vicious rumour to rest.

Mel told me : "At the moment everybody thinks I’m a butch dyke, but they don’t really know me. Really, I’m just a soft girl."

Is it me, or does she now sound like a ‘fanny fiddler’ as well ? Maybe, if you didn’t look like a Transsexual dinner lady from Bolton, then maybe we’d believe you !

But, would she stop moaning? No, she wouldn’t. On and on she went, this time about her obvious ‘lesbian tattoos’

"When I first started getting tattoos, I didn’t even think! Now, I’m starting to worry about how I’ll look in twenty years time."

You SHOULD worry Mel. My Gran Christine, got a tattoo done on her chest when she was just eighteen years old. It read: ‘Christine and Larry….. True Love Forever.’

However, by the time she’d reached eighty, the ink had begun to run and the wrinkles had set in! It now reads : ‘Cigarette lighters : Two for a Fiver .’

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What a dog
Life is so unfair don't you think ? Here I am, struggling to make ends meet, trying to do an honest days work, when alongs comes Mr, 'Mutt' alias 'Pooch Gunther' the richest DOG in the world.

Alsation 'Gunther' has recently inherited £100m from Elgar Heiss, a wealthy German Countess, and has gone and bought Madonna's Miami Mansion.

Gunther is currently on tour in Europe, but plans to move in with sexy model 'Martine' a pedigree pooddle he met backstage at Cruffs last year.

Reports suggest that Elgar amassed her fortune in the porn industry, appearing in over 300 films including Animal Farm, co-starring with Gunther or 'Plater' as he is was known then.

It is believed that she wanted her most treasured companion to have the money for all the 'service' he has given her !

When asked what he thought of his former owner, he just replied:

"RUFF"
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Come clean
It seems Mr Bobby Brown has finally cleaned up his act. His recent visit to the Scrubs, had the singing supersar scrubbing his fellow inmate's dirty undies.

His job was to collect everyone's smelly socks and soiled pants - wash them, iron them, fold them and put them away!

" It's made me appreciate the finer things in life, I think I have learned my lesson. Man, I'm never going back there. Well, maybe to visit 'Mr Big' now and again as we shared something very special. The shower experience is something I'll never forget !

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Lost the plot
Oasis are back with a vengence. Noel made a welcomed return to 'his band, his songs, his Money!'

Noel delighted Oasis fans by ' making up' with his lovely brother, you know, the one who doesn't write the songs.

However, it seems that Noel was going to spend as little time as necessary with his Brother. After the gig in Bolton, Noel decided to go to a hotel in Leeds rather than stay at the same hotel as Liam in Manchester.

"I don't mind doing the gig, but f***ck staying around afterwards to see him get pissed and pick a fight ! "

"The man's lost the plot, if it wasn't for me, the band would have split up a long time ago ! "

Look lads, don't look back, just GO!

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