Miming in the rain! what a party it was, 100,000 hard core Pop fans party'd with Britpop's finest, including Billie, Steps, Honeyz, Posh, N'Sync and Kylie 'out of sync'
(how embarrasing was that ?) she even wore long trousers......hello !
Thank you for your hundreds of letters this week, I haven't had chance to read them all yet, however, I especially liked the one from Emma B, and the disgusting picture of you and Ben at Glastonbury. Most amusing, bad taste, and very illegal.
Keep sending those 'insider cards' a little birdie told me that somebody sent our Stephan Gately card to his record company......( we'll be expecting a call from his lawyers very soon !).
P O P R O A S T. . . .
Well, I dont know about you lot, but last Sunday afternoon was spent watching C4s fantastic coverage of the Princes Trust Party In The Park. (I used to think all channel Four was good for was Euro Trash and late night documentaries about nudist African colonies
But not any more!
This was a first class Sunday POP ROAST. Every cracking piece of fluff was there looking red hot (except Martine McCutcheon, who looked like a poodle in a hurricane.)
I was greased up like a turkey at Christmas, and spent the whole of Sunday afternoon, glued to the T.V. with a smile on my face and a hand in my pants.
O U T O F S Y N C . . .
And what an afternoon I had ! To be honest, the whole thing reeked of a Butlins talent contest, and most of the talent I witnessed seemed to be more about tits rather than voices, but sweet lord, Kylie Minogue has to take the award for most out of it performance.
She sang like a cat in a lawn mower and if that wasnt bad enough, she then proceeded to sing out of time and wobble like a water rat on a tight rope during Spinning Around.
Sporty Spice wasnt much better, especially as she has now ballooned so much that she looks like a transsexual brick layer from Bolton (and sang like one too.)
The only true highlight was Steps who mimed every word to perfection, and good old Billie Piper, although Ive got to say, she could of stolen the show had she done the, 'foaming at the mouth and collapsing act'
W I S H I N G S T A R . . .
But just when you thought it couldnt get any worse, up pops the living dead'. By rights Lionel no hit since 86 Ritchie should never of been there.
To be fair, he did sing in tune, but seemed to be completely overwhelmed that for the first time in 20 years, there was actually a crowd in front of him, but if the torrential rain didnt send the little monkeys running to the hills, then this singing bog eyed freak certainly did.
And did it get any better ? Oh no! up pops another star whos career is very much in the dead as a dodo category
Yep, Marti crack pipe Pellow.
What better example to send out to everyone back at home and every 10 year old in the audience, that not only do you get a second chance after Heroin, we're also expected to forgive him for releasing a record as bad as Wishing Well. How did this crime happen ?.
Is Mr Pellow a member of the Princes Trust ? Did he have to ab-sail down a cliff with a small child tied to his back just to get the chance to sing on live television again ? Well never know. and perhaps its just as well. ( Maybe old dog face Camilla is a fan !
..Of Marti, not Heroin!
.although I wouldnt rule it out, judging by her haggered old face).
Worse was yet to come
Q U E E N I E S U T D . . .
Queen ? Hello! this isnt Live Aid! It was a bit like the time when the cast of Dads Army turned up pissed out of their minds on Saturday Super Store What made it worse, was the fact that they were playing with those fucking singing window cleaners 'Five'. Poor old Freddie must have been turning in his pink plywood coffin.
"Its what Freddie would of wanted" cried Brian May after the show. Of course its what he would of wanted, Freddie would of loved to have been dancing around with a load of teenage boys. It was his dying wish !!
Another old back door salesman who saw his wish come true, was good old dick stroker Elton John, who once again surrounded himself with his loveable Back Street Boys.
Old Elton, rolled back the years (shortly before rolling back his trousers) and sang his heart out, as the show (and himself) came to an explosive climax. Those Back Street Boys were lucky to escape by the skin of their teeth.
The only true high point of the afternoon was Bon Jovi being unable to get on stage due to the security not recognising them. Admittedly they did look very much like a bunch of peasants whod got lost on the way back from Donnington 87 so you can understand where the confusion came from.
Jon Bon Jovi later blew his top. After which he put his cock away, feeling a lot better. Rock n Roll !
And, that was that in a nut shell. Nine hours of music and non stop wanking. My uncle Reggie recorded the whole thing, (but seemed more interested in the crowd, rather than the bands). And Prince Charles ? well, what a clever monkey he is, if his Trust is all about sitting in a park full of tarts whilst they perform for him every summer, then I cant wait to sign up. The mans a Genius. Hats n Trousers off to you, Your Majesty.
Y E S Y O U R H I G H N E S S . . .
Sticking with the Royals, as once again this week, our favourite virgin in leather Britney Spears admitted shed love to marry Prince William and become Queen.
Well Britney, I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say get in there and get that old dog off the throne (Why Prince William seems intent on playing spot the geek when he could be banging the arse off one of the hottest pieces of ruff in the world of pop Ill never now. Wake up Donkey Boy !)
Shes gagging for it ! I havent seen a woman so up for it since the night my wife Tina had too much Sherry at our sons school disco. (That night, every nine year old in the place got an extra curricular examination! )
Just listen to this (donkey dick) "Im definitely going to invite him to a concert, Id love him to come."
I bet you would, you cheeky bint ! Can I just say, that if old diamond nuts cant get round to bending you over the throne, then I know a very eligible bachelor with a massive estate on his doorstep, who would just love to show you a night out to remember (even though youll remember none of it, due to the tablets involved! )
And I bet youre wondering what his name is aint you Britters. Well, his name is Lord Hill of Swansea
and Britney, this man lives like a lord. He has over Forty cars at his disposal (thanks to a coat hanger and some wire cutters), and spends most of his weekends clay pigeon shooting - (shooting real pigeons with bullets made from clay). Yes, I think youll agree, this man could certainly treat you to a weekend to remember on his Spanish fishing Trawler, which is currently resting just off the French Fishing Village of Ports Du La Mouth.
So Britney, if you do fancy dining on the best out-of-date food money can buy, and see the sites and sounds of Paris (on video) then why not give me a buzz here. The address is at the top of the page.
B L A C K M A G I C . . .
Once again, it wouldnt be a true week in the crazy world of pop without old Huffy, Puffy Daddy and his walking tits Jennifer Lopez.
This week, news reaches me that Lopezs ex manager is suing her ass off because old trigger happy Daddy took over her career and in turn, robbed him of millions of potential earnings.
Last night I caught up with Eric Gold at his luxury villa in the South of Tottenham.
He told me
" The Jennifer I knew, would never have got herself into that situation, but Puffy is now her Svengali. Jennifer fell under a dark spell cast on her by that dammed man, so I have to fight for what is mine."
Like any decent showbiz reporter, I wanted to find out more about this Dark Spell. ( I spent weeks after the release of Star Wars in 1977, searching the farms of Texas for the Horse. It wasnt until I saw the film recently that I realised, that what Darth Vader had actually said was "beware of the Force").
Without further ado, I tracked down the nearest thing Britain has to a Puff Daddy. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, as he has special powers of persuasion and is known by many as a fucking big cult. But, I did it ! yes you guessed it
..I found Mr Paul Daniels .
I tracked him down to the seaside town of Boscombe where he has a villa. I asked him about this dark spell as it sounds just like the one he used on Debbie McGee some fifteen years ago.
Well it works like this son, by raising the spirits of Nagasaki, you can brain wash any woman to fall hopelessly in love with you. Its an ancient art that takes years to master. Its most likely to be the same one Puffys used on Jennifer. With Debbie, I just covered her in goats blood, and tied her to a crucifix. She went wild! well, Id got blood all over her new carpet. When that failed, I just gave her a cheque for 3 million and a house in Surrey and bingo ! shes been mine ever since. Thats magic !
O N Y O U R B I K E . . . .
It was with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I read the news that old village bicycle Patsy Kensit and Trampy Liam Gallager have finally split up.
This was as predictable as a Jimmy Tarbuck gag, but youve got to hand it to them, they certainly know how to drag a dead donkey of a story out for every tabloid to enjoy.
Now, I dont want to get all cynical here, but I think if you have a good look at Miss Kensits relationships with rock legends over the years I think youll find an interesting pattern emerging
Jim Kerr : Simple Minds singer.
Simple Minds Album sales the day they married : 14 million world wide.
Simple Minds Album sales the day they divorced : 4.
Liam Gallagher : Oasis lead singer.
Oasis album sales the day they met : 9.5 million world wide.
Oasis Album sales the day they split : 5.
Once again I dont want to say that shes a money grabbing, publicity seeking ego maniac, but the words gold and digger seem to fit her like a glove. Poor old Liam
Their relationship finally hit the rocks earlier this year, when Liam was caught with his trousers down with some tart called Ivy supersonic Silverstein.
The supersonic is nothing sexual. Shes got a face like a Supersonic jumbo jet. ie. A big long nose and two flappy ears. She claims that she was only in his room to measure a hat for him. But, eyewitnesses claim that the hat involved was very small and pink and was more of a flat cap than a top hat.
Bryan Harrod it
Glad to see that Westlife are still as busy as ever, and hob nobbing with some of the biggest names in the world of show business.
After opening a DIY shop with Ken Dodd in Southampton last week, this week they went one better when they opened the Harrods Summer sale.
However, this great event was over shadowed when it emerged that a number of goods had been stolen from the food floor.
Two packs of Co Co Diamond Pops, a jar of Gold Lemon Curd and a vat of Salmon were reported missing soon after the boys had left the building.
I dont want to start pointing fingers, but I think Bryan Fatty McFadden is your man, Al.
It is a sad week for anyone over 60 this week, as old horse legs Tina Turner announced her retirement from the music biz.
After over 90 years of entertaining the world, shes finally hung up her wig and false teeth.
I shall shed a tear as well. I remember the first time I made love, was to
Nutbush City Limits. From that moment on, every time my nuts were near a bush I always remembered the oldest swinger in town. (No, not Tina Turner, but Eadie who was working in the Cancer Research shop that day.)
Mac 'Sisqo' Beth
I am a great fan of the theatre. I could talk all day about the legendary performance by Vanessa Redgrave in The Crucible at the London Round House. And who could forget the moving portrayal of Buttons by Bobby Davero at the Cardiff Play House.
But this week, news reaches me about a worrying development in a brave new world where theatre and pop are as one.
That freak Sisqo, will now be rapping Shakespeare in a new film called Getting over Alison which is apparently a modern day Cyrano de Bergrac.
The thought of this man degrading our national treasure is just too much to bare. Why do I care so much ? Well, for years I thought my mother was a Thespian, and it wasnt until I caught her in bed with my wife that I realised I must of mis-heard her.
Well done to the hottest bitches in pop, The Corrs who have managed to hoodwink enough people into buying their latest crock of shit Breathless.
This song sounds like the kind of thing Level 42 were doing in 1987, but ! you little hussies are so sexy that you could probably release a cover of Ferry across the Mersey and youd still get to the top of the charts.
Breathless was apparently penned by Andrea Corr, and Shania Twains dog faced husband Mutt Lange after theyd spent the afternoon in a forest trying to find some inspiration. Lucky bastard. He must of humped her arse off. Or she just had a asthma attack.
Lynch the Duffy
Looks as if Keith Duffy and Shane Lynch from Boyzone are the latest bunch of
monkeys who are about to announce their solo careers.
They have teamed up, to do what could possibly be the worst single of all time.
Yep, theyve decided to cover that Milli Vanilli classic Girl you know its true.
Lord, of all the songs ! But, at least theyve chosen a band whose career was also based entirely on miming their arses off ! (hopefully the two boys will also suffer the same fate as the Milli no willy boys, by fading into complete and utter obscurity!)
The artist formally known as Ginger, has gone and done it again.
Geri 'bury me in a Y shaped coffin' Halliwell's latest attempt to upstage her former Spice colleagues, managed to pull off yet another ' bad taste' publicity stunt.
As Posh Spice was getting ready to grace the stage of London's Party In The Park, Geri was on stage in Italy at the Tor di Valle stadium in Rome.
Geri, who was the finale of the Italian Gay Pride festival, gave the audience a show they wouldn't forget in a hurry ( not if you are Catholic anyway ! )
With what can only be described as a live sex show, involving a dancer dressed as a priest and Geri pretending to mount him like a dog on heat (which let's face it, isn't far from the truth is it ? )
It's not the first time Geri has attempted to upstage the Spicettes, Remember when, Geri appeared out of the middle of a 50ft pair of inflatable legs at the BRIT awards, just before the Girls were due on stage to receive their award for Outstanding Contribution to Britiish Music
Well Geri, it's not big and it's not clever, however, I must confess, I did get a little twinge seeing you with the priest, though I think that was more to do with the priest's 'Habit' than seeing your Ginger Minge!
(but that's another story ! )
Ex 'bad boy' and former frontman of the legendary E17, Brian Harvey has teamed up with rap's current ' Bad Boy' Eminem
The 'bad boy' of pop and the 'bad boy' of rap are expected to release a single later this year.
It is predictedand certainly expected that the song will be VERY BAD.