Miming in the rain! what a party it was, 100,000 hard core Pop fans party'd with Britpop's finest, including Billie, Steps, Honeyz, Posh, N'Sync and Kylie 'out of sync'
(how embarrasing was that ?) she even wore long trousers......hello !

Thank you for your hundreds of letters this week, I haven't had chance to read them all yet, however, I especially liked the one from Emma B, and the disgusting picture of you and Ben at Glastonbury. Most amusing, bad taste, and very illegal.

Keep sending those 'insider cards' a little birdie told me that somebody sent our Stephan Gately card to his record company......( we'll be expecting a call from his lawyers very soon !).


P O P R O A S T. . . .
Well, I don’t know about you lot, but last Sunday afternoon was spent watching C4’s fantastic coverage of the Prince’s Trust ‘Party In The Park’. (I used to think all channel Four was good for was ‘Euro Trash’ and late night documentaries about nudist African colonies…)

But not any more!

This was a first class Sunday ‘POP ROAST.’ Every cracking piece of fluff was there looking red hot (except Martine McCutcheon, who looked like a ‘poodle in a hurricane.’)

I was greased up like a turkey at Christmas, and spent the whole of Sunday afternoon, glued to the T.V. with a smile on my face and a hand in my pants.



O U T O F S Y N C . . .
And what an afternoon I had ! To be honest, the whole thing reeked of a Butlin’s talent contest, and most of the ‘talent’ I witnessed seemed to be more about ‘tits’ rather than ‘voices’, but sweet lord, Kylie Minogue has to take the award for most ‘out of it’ performance.

She sang like a cat in a lawn mower and if that wasn’t bad enough, she then proceeded to sing out of time and wobble like a water rat on a tight rope during ‘Spinning Around.’

Sporty Spice wasn’t much better, especially as she has now ballooned so much that she looks like a ‘transsexual brick layer from Bolton’ (and sang like one too.)

The only true highlight was ‘Steps’ who mimed every word to perfection, and good old Billie Piper, although I’ve got to say, she could of stolen the show had she done the, 'foaming at the mouth and collapsing act'



W I S H I N G S T A R . . .
But just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, up pops the ‘living dead'. By rights Lionel ‘no hit since ‘86’ Ritchie should never of been there.

To be fair, he did sing in tune, but seemed to be completely overwhelmed that for the first time in 20 years, there was actually a crowd in front of him, but if the torrential rain didn’t send the little monkeys running to the hills, then this ‘singing bog eyed freak’ certainly did.

And did it get any better ? Oh no! up pops another ‘star’ who’s career is very much in the ‘dead as a dodo category …Yep, Marti ‘crack pipe’ Pellow.

What better example to send out to everyone back at home and every 10 year old in the audience, that not only do you get a second chance after Heroin, we're also expected to forgive him for releasing a record as bad as ‘Wishing Well’. How did this ‘crime‘ happen ?.

Is Mr Pellow a member of the Prince’s Trust ? Did he have to ab-sail down a cliff with a small child tied to his back just to get the chance to sing on live television again ? We’ll never know. and perhaps it’s just as well. ( Maybe old ‘dog face’ Camilla is a fan !…..Of Marti, not Heroin!….although I wouldn’t rule it out, judging by her haggered old face).

Worse was yet to come………………..


Q U E E N I E S U T D . . .
Queen ? Hello! this isn’t Live Aid! It was a bit like the time when the cast of ‘Dad’s Army’ turned up pissed out of their minds on ‘Saturday Super Store’ What made it worse, was the fact that they were playing with those fucking singing window cleaners 'Five'. Poor old Freddie must have been turning in his pink plywood coffin.

"It’s what Freddie would of wanted" cried Brian May after the show. Of course it’s what he would of wanted, Freddie would of loved to have been dancing around with a load of teenage boys. It was his dying wish !!

Another old ‘back door salesman’ who saw his wish come true, was good old ‘dick stroker’ Elton John, who once again surrounded himself with his loveable ‘Back Street Boys’.
Old Elton, rolled back the years (shortly before rolling back his trousers) and sang his heart out, as the show (and himself) came to an ‘explosive climax.’ Those Back Street Boys were lucky to escape by the skin of their teeth.


The only true high point of the afternoon was Bon Jovi being unable to get on stage due to the security not recognising them. Admittedly they did look very much like a bunch of peasants who’d got lost on the way back from ‘Donnington 87’ so you can understand where the confusion came from.
Jon Bon Jovi later blew his top. After which he put his cock away, feeling a lot better. Rock n’ Roll !

And, that was that in a nut shell. Nine hours of music and non stop wanking. My uncle Reggie recorded the whole thing, (but seemed more interested in the crowd, rather than the bands). And Prince Charles ? well, what a clever monkey he is, if his ‘Trust’ is all about sitting in a park full of tarts whilst they ‘perform’ for him every summer, then I can’t wait to sign up. The man’s a Genius. Hat’s n’ Trousers off to you, Your Majesty.
’

Y E S Y O U R H I G H N E S S . . .
Sticking with the Royals, as once again this week, our favourite ‘virgin in leather’ Britney Spears admitted she’d love to marry ‘Prince William’ and become ‘Queen’.

Well Britney, I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say ‘get in there and get that old dog off the throne’ (Why Prince William seems intent on playing ‘spot the geek’ when he could be banging the arse off one of the hottest pieces of ruff in the world of pop I’ll never now. Wake up Donkey Boy !)

She’s gagging for it ! I haven’t seen a woman so ‘up for it’ since the night my wife Tina had too much Sherry at our son’s school disco. (That night, every nine year old in the place got an ‘extra curricular examination! )

Just listen to this (donkey dick) "I’m definitely going to invite him to a concert, I’d love him to come."

I bet you would, you cheeky bint ! Can I just say, that if old ‘diamond nuts’ can’t get round to bending you over the throne, then I know a very eligible bachelor with a massive ‘estate’ on his doorstep, who would just love to show you a night out to remember (even though you’ll remember none of it, due to the tablets involved! )

And I bet you’re wondering what his name is ain’t you Britter’s. Well, his name is Lord Hill of Swansea…… and Britney, this man lives like a lord. He has over Forty cars at his disposal (thanks to a coat hanger and some wire cutters), and spends most of his weekends clay pigeon shooting - (shooting real pigeons with bullets made from clay). Yes, I think you’ll agree, this man could certainly treat you to a weekend to remember on his ‘Spanish fishing Trawler’, which is currently resting just off the French Fishing Village of Ports Du La Mouth.

So Britney, if you do fancy dining on the best out-of-date food money can buy, and see the sites and sounds of Paris (on video) then why not give me a buzz here. The address is at the top of the page.


B L A C K M A G I C . . .
Once again, it wouldn’t be a true week in the crazy world of pop without old ‘Huffy, Puffy’ Daddy and his ‘walking tits’ Jennifer Lopez.

This week, news reaches me that Lopez’s ex manager is ‘suing her ass off’ because old trigger happy Daddy took over her career and in turn, robbed him of millions of potential earnings.

Last night I caught up with Eric Gold at his luxury villa in the South of Tottenham.
He told me……" The Jennifer I knew, would never have got herself into that situation, but Puffy is now her ‘Svengali’. Jennifer fell under a dark spell cast on her by that dammed man, so I have to fight for what is mine."

Like any decent showbiz reporter, I wanted to find out more about this ‘Dark Spell.’ ( I spent weeks after the release of ‘Star Wars’ in 1977, searching the farms of Texas for the ‘Horse’. It wasn’t until I saw the film recently that I realised, that what Darth Vader had actually said was "beware of the Force").

Without further ado, I tracked down the nearest thing Britain has to a ‘Puff Daddy’. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, as he has ‘special powers of persuasion’ and is known by many as ‘a fucking big cult’. But, I did it ! yes you guessed it …..I found Mr Paul Daniels .

I tracked him down to the seaside town of Boscombe where he has a villa. I asked him about this ‘dark spell’ as it sounds just like the one he used on Debbie McGee some fifteen years ago.

‘Well it works like this son, by raising the spirits of Nagasaki, you can brain wash any woman to fall hopelessly in love with you. It’s an ancient art that takes years to master. It’s most likely to be the same one Puffy’s used on Jennifer. With Debbie, I just covered her in goats blood, and tied her to a crucifix. She went wild! well, I’d got blood all over her new carpet. When that failed, I just gave her a cheque for 3 million and a house in Surrey and bingo ! she’s been mine ever since. That’s magic !’


O N Y O U R B I K E . . . .
It was with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat that I read the news that old ‘village bicycle’ Patsy Kensit and ‘Trampy’ Liam Gallager have finally split up.

This was as predictable as a Jimmy Tarbuck gag, but you’ve got to hand it to them, they certainly know how to drag a dead donkey of a story out for every tabloid to enjoy.

Now, I don’t want to get all cynical here, but I think if you have a good look at Miss Kensit’s relationships with ‘rock legends’ over the years I think you’ll find an interesting pattern emerging…..

Jim Kerr : Simple Minds singer.

Simple Minds Album sales the day they married : 14 million world wide.
Simple Minds Album sales the day they divorced : 4.

Liam Gallagher : Oasis lead singer.

Oasis album sales the day they met : 9.5 million world wide.
Oasis Album sales the day they split : 5.

Once again I don’t want to say that she’s a ‘money grabbing, publicity seeking ego maniac’, but the words ‘gold’ and ‘digger’ seem to fit her like a glove. Poor old Liam…………

Their relationship finally ‘hit the rocks’ earlier this year, when Liam was caught with his trousers down with some tart called Ivy ‘supersonic’ Silverstein.

The ‘supersonic’ is nothing sexual. She’s got a face like a ‘Supersonic jumbo jet’. ie. A big long nose and two flappy ears. She claims that she was only in his room to measure a ‘hat’ for him. But, eyewitnesses claim that the hat involved was very small and ‘pink’ and was more of a ‘flat cap’ than a ‘top hat’.