Back to Life, back to reality, after last week’s life changing events in Glastonbury, I’m glad to report that things have now returned to normal. Nothing much has changed in the world of pop. Robbie Williams is still mouthing off (when no one really cares anymore). Oasis are still in turmoil (when no one really cares anymore). Kylie’s arse is still following me around everywhere,( thank the lord) and Richie from ‘Five’ is bang’n everything in sight ( lucky B’stard ! ).


B A N G I N B I T C H . . .
And just when I was begging for a new star to worship, up pops a new legend like an ‘erection in a whore house’. And what is the name of this new ‘pop’ leader? Well….it’s Eminem. Yes, a true genius has arrived.

If anyone is reading this (which is highly unlikely) then get on your knees and praise the Lord. Just listen to this ‘new rapping sensation’ :
"Don’t do drugs, don’t have unprotected sex, don’t be violent, leave that to me" Brilliant, If only Jesus had been more like this, he wouldn’t of been nailed to the cross for being a ‘virgin.’

His album ‘Slim Shady LP’ has already shifted 3 million worldwide, so by Christmas, every teenager in the land will be ‘Shootin’ Cops’ n’ ‘Bangin Bitches’.

All I need now is a ‘Bitch’ and a gun to shoot her with. I can’t wait.

The only let down, is that he looks like a 16 year old car thief from Swindon, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways. You’ve been warned !

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R O L L O V E R . . .
Another day, another Bryan ‘Mcfatty’ Fadden story. And what’s old ‘piggy in the middle’ been up to now, I hear you yawn!

Well, he’s been caught in bed with some naked birds. As guilty as Guy Fawkes on bonfire night: "Honestly officer, I was only looking after this gun powder! "
Old ‘bum face’ was quick to jump to his own defence. "I couldn’t believe it when I saw these girls starkers, they asked me to come to bed! Then, they got up asking for a kiss! Christ, they’ll be asking for sex next! " But, what does old ‘Tubby Jenkin’s’ do ? He calls security…..um……Hello?! You could of played ‘Where’s Willy Now?’ but no, instead you chicken out like a virgin in a massage parlour.

What’s wrong Bryan? Are you lacking in confidence? Is your ‘love weapon’ more of a potato peeler than a meat cleaver? Well, I know a woman who can help you. She works alone, and is normally dressed in nothing but a pair of leather boots and a bin liner. She has a history of helping young boys find their feet, and then their ‘penis’, whilst they in turn find her ‘wallet’. She’ll give you a lesson in love that will turn you from ‘Eddie the Eagle Edwards’ to ‘King Dong’ in the space of 24 hours. And her name?

Well, it’s Mrs Hill. Send us an E-mail Brian, and we will give you the address of her caravan site. May the Lord bless you my child. You shall ride again!
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M A R D I G R A S . . .
Can I just give out a huge thank you from the ‘bottom’ of my heart to all my new friends who guided me through this year’s ‘GAY Mardi Gras, which was held in London over the weekend. ( I on the other hand was held over Leonard during the whole weekend.) I witnessed things dear readers, that would make grown men cry. They’d cry tears of pleasure.

Dressed in nothing but a pair of high heels and some orange bikini bottoms,
I made my way past every ‘Julian’ and ‘Barry’ in town. They were having the time of their lives. But, I wasn’t really there for the same reasons. Sure enough, I joined in with their games and ‘japes’ (One of them was called ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ but I certainly wasn’t a donkey, and that certainly wasn’t a pin in my back side) but I was really there for little Billie and Kylie. Lord, I love those chicks.

And they certainly didn’t disappoint! Kylie got her arse out again (which went down well) and Billie showed her tit’s again (which didn’t go down so well). It was a classic Sunday afternoon.

The only sour point came when Stephen Gatley decided to descend above the throbbing masses on a cable. Unfortunately, the cable snapped and Stephen fell 60 feet into a massive ‘gay lions den.’ Man, they went berserk! Poor old Stephen was lucky to escape with his life. (Even now, some three days later, the poor little freak still can’t sit down!) Oh well, at least we won’t be hearing from him for a while. Thank you my little gay monkeys. I drop my trousers to you all.


B E C K H A M S F A M I L Y . . .
Watch out for Posh Spice’s debut solo single ‘Out Of Your Mind’ which hits the shops next month. It sounds just like a pissed up bar maid from Dagenham singing along to a Madonna CD whilst driving around in her Ford Capri. In short, it’s a crock of shit. She even tries to copy Madonna’s ‘frozen’ look in the video, but ends up looking more like Mortisha from the Adams Family.

Will she ever learn? No. but you’ll be able to judge for yourself if she still has all the talent of a bag of dry roasted peanuts when she performs at ‘perverts in the park’ in Hyde park this Sunday.

It’s every wanker’s paradise. Everywhere you look there’s pussy! If you don’t like it ‘fresh’ then there’s always the ‘vintage’ stuff in the form of their 'Mothers'

It’s even being beamed live via Channel 4, so this year I won’t have to hide in a hedge all week just to get a decent view of the chicks from my ‘love nest.’ Set the video, sit back and let the beauty of television take over.

L U C K Y B A S T A R D. . .
What is it with that ugly ‘singing penis’ Richie Neville from those singing rats 'Five'. Only a few months ago he was humping the arse off that Billie ‘Red Rum’ Piper, and now he’s playing ‘fish fingers’ with the ‘hottest beaver’ in town - Mariama Goodman of the Honeyz! (Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but it sure would in her beav**r )

What is it about this freak? He looks like a mobile phone salesman from Huddersfield, and has all the ‘beauty’ and ‘charm’ of Bobby Davero in a sewage tank. It just hurts to see him banging away left right and centre. (But not half as much as it must hurt him.)

So, last night I tracked the little ‘sex donkey’ to his penthouse in Swansea. I didn’t ‘beat about the bush’ (although it was obvious from the look on his face, and stain on his trousers, that he clearly had been.) All I wanted to know was how the hell has he managed to get all that ‘golden hussy’ in such a short time. And guess what? He was only too happy to give an exclusive run down of his ‘Top Seduction Techniques.’.

So, here just for you (and every other ugly ‘Ken Dodd’ in town) is a guaranteed way to pull a ‘crackin’ bit of fluff’ this weekend. Take it away Richie……….

1. Eyes are very important. You can tell a lot from a woman’s eyes. For example, if she’s staring into space like some ‘bog eyed freak in a trance’, then you’re definitely in with a chance. (Also, if she has her eyes closed for longer than 20 minutes, she’s definitely ready for sex.)

2. Women love the element of ‘surprise.’ The last thing they’ll be expecting as you walk them home from a night out, is a snooker ball in a sock suddenly smacking them around the head. After that she won’t even notice as a transit van pulls up and we are quickly taken to my ‘love nest’ where we spend hours making love, before her ‘morning dip’ in the local canal.

3. Women love a man with a ‘heart of gold.’ So, why not spin a ‘heart rending’ tale about the time you saved a young tiger cub from certain death whilst on a back packing holiday in South Africa. Once she’s shed some tears, take her back to your pad and shag her arse off whilst rolling around on your brand new ‘tiger skin rug.’

4. Some women are ‘deep thinkers’. They love to talk all night about the world of art. They’ll go on for hours about the great works of ‘Picasso, Van Gough, and Tony Hart.’ This is where you must really use all your charm and intellect. (Failing that, just slip 6 tablets into her drink, and bingo! - she’ll be yours all night long!)

Thank you Richie. (Watch out Tina, this weekend at Gary’s BBQ you’re gonna be ‘putty in my hands’)


C O M E O N T H E N . . .
Robbie William’s looks as if he’s stirred up just enough controversy for his new album and single release. And what better way to do this than re hash that ‘dead as a donkey’ story about him and Liam wanting a fight.

Although this time he seems to hint that the only ‘fisty cuffs’ that will appear will be those they will be both wearing as they hump the arse off each other.

Robbie announced this week : ‘ We’d probably have sex. That’s what this is all about isn’t it ?. Brown love. I want to feel him up, then shag him senseless and have him enjoy it. I want him to be grateful for it. I want to shag Liam Gallagher and I know it’s never going to happen and that’s why I’m all upset.’

Dear, oh dear. This reminds me of the time I announced to everyone in the school canteen that I wanted to ‘kiss’ the school bully Stevie Nash. Two weeks later my eye sight had still not returned, and I couldn’t move my penis due to the pain. He hadn’t beaten me up……….merely shagged my arse off !.

How was I supposed to know he was a raving homosexual. Lord above. I can only warn you Robbie, you could be playing devil’s advocate. (I was playing ‘Devil’s Advacado’ which involved a red hot bottom and a small avacardo !. Lord it hurt.)

Dear Robbie, please stick to the chicks. Leave that singing tramp alone, please, I speak from great experience !
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L E M M Y S . .
If ever there’s a book I’m looking forward to it Lemmy’s autobiography ‘White Line Highway’, which is out later next year.
This is going to go down as one of the greatest books of all time. Forget ‘Water ship down’ this book will change the way we view the world, as this man has more stories than a room full of OAP’s at a VE day celebration.

Try this one for size……….

‘I stayed up for two weeks once. It was back in ’67 and I had taken a lot of illegal substances, and during that time I consumed only two black current yoghurts and only two individual blackcurrant pies. I actually went down to this club and ran into a friend of mine and said hello. She screamed at the garbled mess that came out of my mouth as my nerves had completely gone between my brain and my mouth. The lines had gone down so I decided to go to sleep.’

Brilliant. You wouldn’t get this in ‘Harry Potter.’ Keep up the good work Lemmy.
This book will one day replace the Bible as one of the most important historical documents of all time.