Sex, drugs and Tony Blackburn, what a crazy world we live in !
Thank you all for sending in your captions for last weeks Britney picture, the lucky
( sad ) winner is Mr Dan Pennie from Winchester, who will receive a signed photograph of Tony Blackburn and two tickets to see him perform at the W.I. meeting in Glastonbury at the end of the month.

S P O T T H E B A L L . . .
It wouldn’t be a true week in the world of pop without Kylie Minogue showing us her arse. Well, readers here she comes again, like a bad fart under the duvet, she just won’t go away.

Just look at what she’s up to now. This woman would do anything for publicity ! And we should thank the lord above that her career is up shit creek, so much so, that she has to show us her ‘shit creek’ just to get some, much needed publicity. God, I love this woman.


Her new single is called ‘Spinning around’ and is released on June the 19th. If only Kylie would stop ‘spinning around’ during the photo shoot , we could of all got a look at her ‘front garden’ rather than the ‘bumpy waste land’ around the back.


So lads, just sit back and imagine playing ‘sex tennis’ at her mansion. The game involves lobbing your balls over a net, and then trying to retrieve them from her bush.
If you can’t find them, offer Kylie the chance to play ‘sex badminton’. it’s basically the same as ‘sex tennis’ only this time you have to retrieve your ‘shuttle cock’ from her
mouth.

D J G R A N D A D . . .
You hate him, I hate him, but this week it looks as if Tony Blackburn is finally on his way out of the country. And guess where he's heading ?. Well, it's Ibiza.

For a man who has as much street cred as a pair of plastic breasts, I for one can't wait to see him play in front of a load of drugged up car thieves at some 'bangin’ club night this summer, I’m sure he'll go down as well as the black ‘n' white minstrels at Notting Hill Carnival.

Old Tony don't seem too worried by the thought of his set clearing the club, quicker than a freak fire. He told me : 'I don't do all that mixing and scratching but I reckon I'll give those clubbers the time of their lives' Tony also told me yesterday ( whilst toking on a crack pipe and popping some pills in his Ford Capri ) 'I'm gonna play some bangin' tunes. I'm gonna rock da place like a mudder fucker ! '

Given that Tony's record collection consists of one 1973 vinyl copy of 'Grandad' by Clive Dunn, I've got a horrible feeling the only thing that will be a 'bangin' and a' rockin' will be Tony's head as two ‘coked up’ window cleaners kick the shit out of him.
.


I N D E C E N T P R O P O S A L. . .
Another week, another Britney Spears story, but as my Mother 'Ms whiplash' always says 'Sex Sells' (She wants sex, and is happy to pay for it ! ) Mummy is actually called 'Ms Whiplash' due to the horrific 'Whip Lash' she suffered after a terrible hand glider accident 10 years ago !

This week 'the only woman I've ever loved' was the subject of a sick perverts’ fantasy, after an American business man offered our Britney $12 million to sleep with her.

Last night I spoke to Britney exclusively from her holiday home in Great Yarmouth, she told me : 'He should go and have a cold shower'. I told her I was 'right behind her' and wondered if a 'hand job for a tenner was out of the question ?.' For some reason the line went dead, so I still don't know if she's 'up for it' or not.

Anyway, she's a virgin who doesn't believe in 'sex until after marriage', so the chances of any 'trains' passing through her 'tunnel' are zero, at least until she's got a 'ring on her finger'. (The thought of her wanting her finger up anyone’s 'ring' is such a turn on that I think I’ll forget about the whole 'hand job request'.)

This whole 'sex for cash' reminds me of that lame duck of a film 'Indecent Proposal' when Robert Redford offered Demi Moore £1 million to bang the arse off her. It was indeed 'Indecent' because she's not worth £1 pound. She's a dog.

Send the card


S P A N K . . .
Looks as if Whitney ‘powder nose’ Houston, and top bum spanker George Michael have finally patched up their differences.

They release their ‘duet’ single ‘I told you so’ later this month, and as my exclusive picture shows they are closer than ever.

But I also think this picture proves just how ‘out of it’ they both are. Whitney looks as if she’s been up all night on hullusugenics and clearly thinks she is cuddling a hairy KD Lang. (which isn’t far from the truth.)

Whereas George is obviously out of it, and is probably wondering how the hell John Barnes has managed to keep his figure even though he retired from international football years ago.



C Y B E R S E X . . .
It had to happen. In this crazy modern world, full of steam engines, microwaves and Rubic Cubes, there was always something missing. And now, thanks to the wonders of ‘cyber space’ and the world of spotty geeks sat in front of computer screens all day, what was up to a couple of months ago mere ‘fantasy’, has finally become ‘reality’. Yep, today I can finally unveil the Cyber Worlds first pop sensation.

Ok, so she looks more like ‘Warren Barton’ than ‘Dolly Parton’, but she’s all there ain’t she lads !. Better still she’s still only 18, and single and a virgin, so even I can relate to her completely. And unlike Laura Croft, you don’t have to stay up half the night trying to chase her through a jungle just to have a look at her tits.

Her name is’ T-Babe’ and her first single ‘Peter Pumpkin Eater’ is out at the end of the month. She’ll also be posing for vogue. This chick is my ‘tip for the top’, and once those geeks have sorted out the graphics (her left tit being bigger than her right !) then bingo she’ll be number 1 by chrimbo. Watch this space.


E L V I S J O N E S . . .
I've read some shit in my time, but this one takes the biscuit. Remember the 'crock of shit story' about some woman called 'Mary' who'd never had sex, but then ends up with a baby called 'Jesus' who was able to turn 'water into Pepsi'. Well, here comes another huge turd all the way from that island of 'freaks' that is Wales.

Apparently, some old donkey with nothing more interesting in his life to do than look into the history of Cardiff, claims that Elvis actually came from Wales.

According to Cardiff historian Terry Breverton (he could only be a Cardiff historian with that name) 'South of the Presili Mountains, there is an ancient chapel devoted to the Saint Elvis. So Elvis's family could have come from an area in Wales called the Presili mountains.'

Well, thank you for that Terry. you’ll be telling us next that Bob Marley is from Swindon, and Bruce Spingsteen is actually from Weymouth. Terry, piss off and get a life.


C H U B B Y. . .
It is with a heavy heart, a lump in my throat, (and a bulge in my trousers), that I report the sad news this week that old 'tubby Jenkins' Brian 'Big Mac' Mcfadden collapsed last Monday whilst on tour in the U.S with Westlife.

Apparently, the constant stress of miming and dancing like 'an elephant with an orthapedic shoe' had finally taken it's toll. Brian was last seen tucking into his fifth bucket of 'pigs trotters and chips' when he keeled over whilst reaching for a pickled onion.

Brian was last night resting at home in Dublin where his mother is said to be 'relaxing in a dark room' Brian had, until yesterday, been relaxing in a plush hotel room in Beverly hills but doctors thought Brian would be better off at home after they noticed he had started tucking into the hotel furniture. Brian was half way through his third leather sofa, when he was strapped down and air ambulanced home.
’


B O G E Y E D . . .
Don't want to get any of you lot down in the dumps, but watch out for the return of those 'musical math’s teachers' Radiohead who tour Europe and release a record later this year.

Just when the whole world needed a jolly good hoot, up they pop like a BBC 2 documentary about starving African Street Children.

However, I bet some of you out there ( you know who you are. Black T-shirt, glasses, a virgin) are probably looking forward to their next musical 'master piece’. Well, this week I can give you happy bunnies an exclusive review of some of their new album tracks.

Bass player Colin Greenwood ( the bog eyed freak ) told anyone who’d listen, that the album would be ‘dark’ and some what ‘down’. And judging by the tracks I’ve heard, he’s hit the nail on the head. So, here’s my exclusive Radiohead preview. I only got to hear three of them, which is just as well, because they were as musically interesting as a bag of spanners !

‘Sad, sad, sad’ A haunting acoustic ballad, with the lines ‘sad, sad, sad’ spoken over a backing track of slow drums and a very minor chord progression.

‘Never had sex’ A haunting acoustic ballad with the lines sung ‘I’m a Virgin’ sung over a backing track of slow drums and just one chord, which is in a very minor key.

‘Everyone hates me. I’m an ugly fuck wit’ A haunting acoustic ballad with no vocals, just the sound of a grown man openly crying, which is played over a backing track of slow drums and one chord, which sounds very much like A minor.

- Think, Think Dream - (Westminster) “Fuck! this Dance scene is getting out of hand. The Police can’t cope and if we don’t do something fast heads are gonna roll”

(Dodgy Minister - back bench) “I know... why don’t we set up a Ministry of Sound ? My boy’s got a few mates who play records and old Vito has a few quid he needs to clean up. No one need know...it will look as if somebody just got lucky and captured a growing market”.

Um - What a great idea Donald “Kids get what they want, Vito gets rich, we get rid of a problem, keep it under control and you never know there may be a few spin offs...Let’s do it !

-----------------

Slow Puncture
The Oasis band wagon continues to stumble across Europe like a one wheeled Morris minor.

Last Tuesday they played their first show without Noel in Milan. New boy Matt Deighton
seemed to fit into Noels shoes like a ‘greased fox into a bread bin’ and confidently played all four chords to ‘three blind mice’ that make up the entire Oasis back catalogue.

The only sour note was ‘Don’t look back in anger’ which saw a desperate roadie crouched behind a blow up doll that modeled Noel’s trade mark ‘mop top wig’ and huge bushy eye brows, in a desperate attempt to keep alive the myth that Noel is still very much part of the band.

However, this back fired badly when the trousers ‘Noel’ was wearing suddenly slipped off, treating the unsuspecting crowd to a view of Noel’s tight rubber beaver. And if that wasn’t bad enough ‘Noel’ was then blown out into the stunned crowd and was seen to be stumbling towards a young girl in a pink nylon sweater. Due to the amount of static in the air, an eyewitness told me it looked as if ‘Noel’ was harassing the girl, but before the police could get involved Noel once again ‘took flight’ and was last seen on top of Rome’s biggest Cathedral with his trousers round his ankles, and a rather large deflated flabby rubber muff, due to a slow puncher.

-----------------

Posh Yorke
Last week I caused a massive ‘media frenzy’ when I announced that Posh Spice was expecting her second child by the end of the year. This week I will put both our readers out of their misery, by announcing the father is non-other than Dwight Yorke.

Yep, after weeks of dribbling outside her area, he unleashed a fierce drive that burst through her defense and hit the back of her net after coming from behind.

Posh is also recording an album, and wants to keep the pregnancy a secret, even from her husband David. Lets just say, I wouldn’t want to be there when Posh gives birth to a healthy 13 stone Afro Caribbean baby boy called ‘Leroy’.

Her album on the other hand seems to be ‘something people won’t expect’, and from what I’ve heard, it isn’t like anything she’s done before. By fusing the sounds of ‘reggae, dub, and the Jewish harp’ Posh is making an album that could change the whole course of popular music. It’s due out in November and is to be called ‘African Passion’
I’ll do my best to get a sneak preview, especially of the first single ‘King Dong’.
-----------------

Babyzone
This week sees another member of Boyzone shooting himself in the foot. In the latest issue of ‘Mummy, my bottoms on fire’. Gay singing sensation Stephen Gately suddenly pops up sounding remarkably like a certain Gary Glitter . Just listen to this sick man
‘I would love a kid, yes I’d love to give a kid an opportunity. I know what it’s like to struggle.’ I bet there would be a ‘struggle’ if you attempted to ‘have a kid.’
Now, go and climb back up your own arse hole, something I’m sure you’d love to do.

-----------------