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This weeks  from the F A T P R O D U C E R
 A L L P O R N . . .
 There’s always a band shooting themselves in the foot isn’t there.
Whether it’s Oasis doing MTV un-plugged without Liam, or the bizarre idea by ‘The Colonel’ to send Elvis out on tour again in 1986. (Let’s just say although Elvis’ backing band looked and sounded good, there was one vital ingredient missing…..Elvis himself.)
Anyway, this time round it was the turn of those All Saints to point a huge shot gun at their pretty toes. This week their much hyped film ‘Honest’ (which will have every man trying to coax their wives into letting them see it again and again : ’I just want to see the beautiful cinematography one more time, darling’) has been awarded an 18
certificate, thus leaving their massive ‘pre-pubes’ market largely un-tapped.
Don’t blame me girls if the film becomes the biggest flop since ‘Free Willie 8’.
Thankfully, me and all the lads from the ‘Fox and Rabbit’ are all over 18 (except little Sammy who’s 4, but I’m sure with a little help from my ‘magic steroids’ and hormone replacement tablets he will soon be looking like a strapping Dutch wood chopper, even though he’ll probably have two very large hairy breasts on his back.)
However, more news reaches me about the film this week. It features both Nicole and Natalie taking LSD and vast amounts of cocaine. But I’m pretty sure most of these scenes were filmed whilst the girls ‘relaxed’ in between takes.
 C H U R C H W O R D S. . .
I am a decent news reporter who is in this job to record the facts and not distort the truth, but when a story involving the words ‘Charlotte Church’ and ‘Breasts’ pops up then Mr Hill suddenly thinks of nothing else but ripping the piss and getting to the bottom of the story by any means possible.
Even if that means making the whole thing up.
This week, a hand full of leaked legal documents have come my way which accuse the former manager of Charlotte Church of making lewd comments about the ‘teenage singing sensation’.
Ex manager (and rumoured ‘pervert’) Mr Shalit (who discovered Church…in a Church in 1997), is said to have made the comments to her entourage in a hotel room at the beginning of the star's rise to fame. He is reported to have had a ‘disagreement’ over ‘the appropriateness of her sweater’.
Well, now for the first time I can reveal the truth behind the ‘sweater affair’ which weighs heavily against Mr Shalit as this exclusive transcript will reveal.
If this isn’t a man who wants to see ‘virgin breasts’ than I don’t know what is.
Personal assistant : ‘Well, Mr Shalit have you decided what Charlotte will be wearing on Top Of The Pops this week? Perhaps that nice pink woolly sweater again?"
Mr Shalit : ‘No, I’ve decided against the pink sweater. I want to show you all the new sweater I've made from a new type of wool I’ve invented called ‘leather’."
Head of Marketing : "There seems to be an awful lot of holes in your ‘leather sweater’ Mr Shailt."
Mr Shalit : ‘Well, how about this sweater. It’s made from a new type of wool called 'Cling Film’ ?"
Hopefully this damming evidence will be enough to nail this sick pervert before he un-leashes his new ‘singing sensation ‘ on to the world of muzak in the form of a young Russian girl called ‘Lurgi Chesty Coff’ who Mr Shailt tells me is unfortunately allergic to any form of clothing.
 S T E P S . . .
 As you all know Steps are the greatest thing to be invented in the boring world of pop ever.
If you’re gay you’ve got the blokes, and if you fancy singing ‘Burger King employees’ then Lisa and Claire are just the ticket. Ok, their music has all the intelligence and passion of a bag of Malteazers, but at least they keep the bi-sexual world as happy as Larry. (Who, as it happens is also bi-sexual)
Which can not be said about those miserable ‘underground weirods Belle and Sebastian.
As you know these two giants came to blows when Belle and Sebastian beat Steps to the best ‘New comer’ award in 1999 at the Brits by rigging the phone vote. (All the calls were traced to a terraced house on ‘Crack Alley’ in Glasgow). But, this week lead singer Bx (who’s probably a smack dealer to boot) laid into our heroes in a vicious assault. He claimed ‘they’re like a strange holiday camp group’ (which is a little too close to the truth, especially when you look at H.)
Man, this ‘drugged up weasel’ sure knows how to look like a bitter and twisted man who’s records sell as well as a Right Said Fred Box Set.
Look here bucko, get back in your ‘squat’ and leave us all alone ‘Bx’ (if that is your real name).
Leave the sexiest pop band in the Universe be as a lot of people with disabilities (including the gay community) love their music, so clear off.
 G A R D E N S H E D . . .
 This week I heard some news that made me laugh so hard that my head quite literally exploded.
Those poor indie no hopers Shed Seven have finally been dropped by Polydor.
This is a victory for every music fan in the country. This ‘dying dog’ should have been put to rest as soon as their hey day (from March-April 1995) came to an end.
Any band that has to stoop so low as to change the words of one of their songs so that it would include the name of a Mobile phone shop for a regional radio advert (‘It’s easy, with THE LINK, it’s easy’) needs a large juggernought to plough through their rehearsal shed. (Preferably when the're in it).
Apparently things hadn’t exactly been going well between the ‘Sheds’ and Polydor ever since the follow up to their top 60 smash ‘Disco Down’ was not accepted by Polydor, who instead they wanted the band to release their other hit ‘Going for Gold’ which they’d already released some three years previously.
Anyway, to cut a long and very boring story short, they were dropped and lead singer and ‘seasoned-up hyena’ Rick Witter is now recording whilst looking for labels in York.
The labels he’s looking for are ‘C&A’ ‘GAP’ and ‘Fruit Of The Loom’ as he now works for a clothing manufacturers.
 S P I C E G I R L S . . .
 Anyone out there who needs proof that The Spice Girls are nothing more than a bunch of un-talented ‘B-Tec hair and beauty students’ straight from Dagenham City College then I have the very proof you need in the form of an exclusive video of Posh, Ginger, Baby, Scary and Ugly…which shows the girls attempting to ‘sing’ long before they’d mastered the art of miming way back in 1994.
This very video is now about to hit the market after a high court judge ruled this week that it is acceptable to the human ear, even though the sounds coming from the fab fives mouth's during the video resembles the sound heard on a cattle farm in Somerset one morning when my Grandad went berserk with a shot gun and 5 litres of brandy.
But just to give you a taste here’s an extract from the video script. In this scene Sporty is singing ‘Wannabe’
back to producer in the studio:
Sporty Spice : "Zigazig ah……How’s that sounding in the studio?"
Producer : "Not too hot love. You’re very flat though, aren’t you."
Sporty Spice : "You leave my tits out of this!"
 F A T L E S . . .
I don’t know about you lot out there, but I can’t wait for the summer. Not because of the endless array of chicks that walk around with next to nothing on, but because once again the whole of England will be doing a very good impression of a ‘National Front Disco’ as we all get behind that lame horse that is the England football team as they crash out of Euro 2000 without winning a single game.
And what better way to whip the nation into a frenzy than a glorious footballing anthem, which is once again supplied by ‘let’s make some money off the back of a huge footballing event’ Fat Les.
As you may recall Fat Les were behind that classic World Cup comedy song ‘Vindaloo’ and this time round Damian Hirst and Keith Allan have recorded the classic hymn ‘Jerusalem’ turned it into a ‘crazy’ sing along single. I can hardly wait to hear it every five minutes on Radio One, even in October four months after Holland have lifted the trophy.
And if you think that’s bad, the ‘comedy value’ video is even worse. Now I know I’m sounding like a right on lesbian here, but two of our German friends (‘Hans’ and ‘Feet’) have seen it and think the scene where Keith Allen shoots down a fleet of Nazi fighter planes is bang out of order. And they also thought the scene where they all dress as Hitler and storm the Jewish Embassy was a bit ‘over the top’.
Now, I love football and want England to completely thrash Germany on 20th June, but lets not start World War Three, brothers and sisters. Love, Peace and a slice of Carrot Cake.
The single is out on 29th May.
BEN
 H A - H A . . .
 Don’t look now, but just when you thought it was safe to walk the streets of pop late at night those Eighties has beens A-Ha turn up like a rapist in a whore house. Lord, I can almost see those white socks and stone wash jeans now, as I remember those crazy summer nights dancing at my old school disco to ‘Take On Me.’
The year was 1985. I was 37. So, what the hell I was doing dancing to A-Ha whilst pissed out of my mind at a school disco I’ll never know, but I was desperate for friends.
Whilst I was having a ‘difficult’ year, A-Ha were massive superstars all over the world. And now they’re back. On 22nd May they release their come back single ‘Summer Moved On’.
I know it reeks of a flop single, but these donkeys are still popular all over ‘mad’ Europe. They’re already number one in their native Norway, and top 5 in both Germany and Sweden.
Christ, how the hell did they pull this off? It’s a bit like Red Rum coming back and winning the Grand National with only two legs. Five years ago this band were as popular as a Kebab van at a Linda McCartney Convention. And as if the single wasn’t bad enough, the album’s called ‘Minor Earth, Major Sky’ (Or ‘Minor Hit, Major Shit) and is out next month.
I’ve already given this lot too much extra publicity, so just keep your head down and after a while I’m sure they’ll fuck off for another ten years.
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Pest control
Yep, bad news after bad news. I’ll be honest, last Wednesday was not the best of days, but you’ve got to be positive. (I am Positive…..HIV Positive) but just after the Beatles announce that they are to release a £50 book of their life together, out comes another ‘money spinner’ in the form of their ‘Greatest Hits’ package which will also be released in time for the Christmas market. See what I mean? Bad news after bad news.
Do we really need another Beatles record? Lovely tunes, but even Swedish porn loses its appeal after a while.
The Beatles don’t need the money, and we don’t want to hear their songs for another decade, so I beg you EMI Don’t do it!
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Why fry spice.
More on Sporty Spice. This week I can reveal why she has put weight on....
It’s because she’s a Fat Fucker.
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Elton
Top pop legend Sir Elton John is amongst a host of celebrities whose giant images have been wrapped around a London department store to create the world's largest photograph.
And judging by the size of ‘fat tele tubby’ Elton, they’ll need the whole of Harrods just to fit in the arse section of his giant photo.
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Billy Bits
The other week my trousers nearly went up in flames when I caught sight of Billie looking like a prostitute from Vietnam on the front cover of some ‘Lonely Wankers’ magazine.
Well, this week she went one better and ‘accidentally’ flashed her tits at a gay audience in London. (What a waste! She might as well of stripped off in front of an audience of blind children.)
Anyway, Billie tried to play down her new sexy image and admitted that at 17 she was too young to start flashing her nude ripe body to anyone who’ll watch. But take my Uncle Reggie’s advice on this one love. He always believed that ‘you are never too young to show off your body’.
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McGee
Mr Ex-Creation McGee has gone public with plans for yet another internet-linked venture into music. Poptones is being touted as ‘embracing all technology’ offering downloads, webcasting and digital TV & Radio. Sounds really different, could be on to something there.
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Channel
Our European friends seem to be in a frenzy of nostalgia and crap. Old hands Roy Orbison and the Bellamy Brothers are charting in Denmark, whilst Sweden gets its hands dirty with none other than Sarah Brightman. Thank god for the channel.
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Dead end
Speaking of oldies, anyone remember Depeche Mode? (How do you pronounce that first word?) Well, anyway they’re back with a new album – apparently the first new material since 1997. I personally just can’t get enough.
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Art
Robbie Williams has been trying his hand at "ART" recently with his efforts ending up in the Liverpool Tate Gallery. I haven’t seen it yet, but the I’m sure it promises to deliver.
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Blowing a Gail
More developments in the world of off-again, on-again pop star relationships. This time it’s the turn of cutesy pixie Gail ‘does my bum look big’ Porter and Keith ‘I’ve lost my medication’ Flint.
After recent reports of Keith’s damp match not satisfying our Gail, it seems he’s found the propane bottle and we are now back on track. Happiness.
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Blowing a Gail
I hate to see a man being kicked whilst he’s down (un less it’s Paul Daniel’s, and I’d kick him even if he was ‘up’). But, this week it gives me great pleasure to give you a copy of a classic piece of interviewing which took place on Radio 4 last week.
And which star ended up with egg all over his face? Well, it was none other than that ‘singing denim jacket’ Bryan Adams.
Poor old Bryan has recently had to come to terms with some terrible heart break after his girlfriend Cecile Thomsen left him after eight long years of ‘pure happiness’ together.
But did Radio Four presenter Libby Purves know of this?
Obviously not, as this section of her ‘thrilling’ interview proves…
Libby Purves : (In a confident tone.) "And of course Bryan, you have a lovely girlfriend who is a model"
Bryan Adams : (shocked) "Er, not any more I don’t"
Libby Purves (now less confident) "Oh……I’m so sorry Bryan I didn’t know"
Bryan Adams : (close to tears) "You know she was everything to me.
There isn’t a single day that goes by with out me not thinking of her. I miss her so much."
I should listen to Radio 4 more often! Big up to Libby Purves for a classic interview.
I’m sure that millions of listeners loved every minute of it. Especially when you actually heard Bryan’s heart break into a thousand pieces just towards the end.
Thankyou, Radio 4.
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