| From the F A T P R O D U C E R
T R O U B L E D O W N P I T . . .
Guess which band are about to shoot themselves in the foot by releasing an album recorded entirely in Welsh? No its not Aled Jones, it those crazy indie freaks Super Furry Beavers.
In a industry that has seen the popularity of indie music sink like Vanessa Feltz in a pool full of chocolate, their decision to alienate themselves from 75 % of their fans has been seen as something as of a strange one. Their album called Mwng (very catchy) is released later this month.
However, I think Ill leave all the explaining to the Furries lead singer (and oddball)
Gruff Rhys : "Theres nothing specifically Welsh about the music. I lead a bilingual life anyway. (Does he mean hes bisexual?) I think Mwng is quite Anglo-American sounding. When we were growing up we had no interest in playing the harp. We wanted to get away form that whole Celtic thing." Thats cleared that up then.
According to their press release Mwng' is a timeless record which could have come out anytime in the last three decades. Its a bit like the press release that accompanied the Beatles first album Please, Please Me which was also described as timeless, but I think that was mainly due to Ringos drumming.
G A R B A G E . . .
Good Lord, in a world where pop birds are still meant to act like Mary Poppins (Im looking at you B*witched) Im just so glad that Garbages Shirley Mason didn't get a copy of the rule book.
In this months issue of old gits monthly they include an interview with Shirley that gives me faith in hot ginger rock whores again. This woman makes old Chrissie Hynde look like an ugly old moaning vegetarian. (Which is miles away from the truth).
Just read this classic quote about old Jennifer Ive never seen that gun before, officer Lopez
"I was at the Grammys a couple of weeks ago, presenting an award with Moby, and we were back stage and everything was cool and normal and down to earth and then suddenly that ludicrous Jennifer Lopez comes swanning around like the Queen of Sheba. Well, Im sorry Jennifer, but Moby has sold as many records as you have. Ive sold as many as you have so get off your high horse and eat shit with the rest of us. A beautiful face, but I want to punch it nevertheless".
OK, so she told us slightly more information than we needed to know. (Who cares if Jennifer Lopez turned up on her High Horse. As long as the animal was well looked after during the awards ceremony, then I have no problems with it. And why were Shirley and Moby eating shit? These big events do provide back stage catering. Someone should tell them that next time).
Anyway, sticking with the shit theme our girl Shirley goes on to confirm that she did at one stage in her life shit on her boyfriends Cornflakes. Im glad he wasnt eating branflakes at the time or hed never of noticed, because as everybody knows it tastes and looks like shit.
D O N T C A L L 9 1 1 W E'V E G O T H I M . . .
Does anyone remember those poor little pop mice 911? Well, last year they split due to no-one buying their records anymore, but this week it was reported that one of the ex-members has gone AWOL. (Yep, I know this story is very light weight, but Ive got to get five pages done other wise this monkey dont get his peanuts, OK?).
Anyway, to drag out a very short story in order to fill the space up, although the ex-members Lee Brennan; Spike Dawbarn and Jimmy Constable all agreed to stay best of friends when the split happened, poor old Jimmy aint been seen since.
Jimmy has not been returning any calls and even his non-showbiz friends mates from Liverpool have not heard from him.
Can I take this opportunity to make a desperate plea on behalf of everyone
Please don't send us the £1m ransom fee and we'll keep him tied up in the store room. That way no one will ever see the untalented pile of horse shit again.
C H R I T Y B A L L S . . .
Watch out for some big name pop stars showing off and then falling arse over tit whilst trying to prove how hard they are by playing football for Charity.
Yep, just look at the Galaxy of Stars wholl be taking part in this year's soccer six tournament. Well, well, well, theres Jamiroqui, Goldie, Robbie Williams, Damon Albarn, Sterophonics, Bush, Mick Hucknall, Mark Owen(?) Paul Hardcastle (?) and who could forget that musical genius (and ex-England legend)
(At last years event everyone was perplexed by the skills of Peter Beardsley, until they realised it wasnt Peter at all, but that bird from Everything But The Girl).
So if you do want to go along a give your support to the various charities, or you just want to see Jamiroqui get kicked all over the pitch then the place to be is at Chelseas Stamford Bridge Stadium on the 29th of May.
K I T O F F K Y L I E . . .
Cant wait for the return to the world of pop from that singing pigmy good old KYLIE MINOGUE. She returns from the land of nowhere on June the 12th with her new single called Spinning Around'. And who has Kylie hired to help send her straight back to the top of the charts? Which big hit maker has she got behind her?
Well, its none other than that dancing Latin dog Paula no hit since 1991 Abdul. Jesus! Kylie hasnt had a hit since 1988, so its a bit like putting Beverly Craven in charge of coming up with a hit single for Cathy Dennis.
Which ever way you look at it Kylie
.get back to Neighbours. I thought you were trying to get your career back on track, not finish it!
What makes things worse is the fact that Abduls tune deals with the guaranteed hit recipe of a broken marriage after only 17 months. (Something poor old Paula knows all about. sob.) Apparently, the words revolve around a very anti-men theme because of Abduls pain. And it sounds to me as if it will go down like a sack of shit when it s finally previewed to a room full of sex crazed men, at the GAY club night at London WC2 on June the 10th.
Whereas the words gay back lash would probably worry poor old Kylie, were we to tell Boy George he may suffer the same fate, Im pretty sure hed have his top off in no time.
A L L P U F F E D O U T . . .
I hope Puff Daddys reading this because only now can I tell you all the real reason as to why he pulled the plug on the final date of his UK tour last month. Over worked? Over tired? No way daddy-o.
The real reason he pulled out of his Wembley Arena gig was because of the 11,000 tickets available, only a mere 2,500 were sold. This was kept a bit hush hush, wasnt it readers? Even his record company Arista tried to pull the wool over everyones eyes by giving out some cock n ball story that he had to rehearse for the labels 25th anniversary celebrations in LA on the 10th of April. Puff didnt appear to know anything about it, as he drank the night away at a top London night club.
However, this is not the first time Puffs record company have bailed Puff out of trouble. At an earlier show in the tour on April the 6th, Wembley Arena was still only half full, so (un-known to Puff) his Public Relations officers decided to take things into their own hands. They decided to create fans to fill the empty seats by using cushions, pillows, plastic pipes and balloons. Puff had no idea of this and carried on playing to what he thought was a packed house.
Puffs record company thought theyd got away with the sick stunt, until half way through the second song in his encore when Puff walked off stage and into the front row. He then went to kiss what he thought was a girl fan. But just as his lips were about to touch her face, the heat of the lights caused her plastic head to explode, covering Puff in red hot plastic. Puff was horrified and ran backstage to be comforted by his very own plastic doll
Q U E E N B R I T N E Y . . .
Will Britney and Prince William ever get it on? This week old big tits told a German news paper : "Im no princess. Hes sweet, but I dont like castles."
Well Britney, I dont think our late Princess Diana was much of a Princess
(she looked like the blond one from Black Lace) but at least she had her head firmly screwed on (until the crash, when her head was clearly screwed to the steering wheel).
She knew how to marry a royal and then run off with all the money. Come on Britters! Get in there girl! Ill admit defeat. I just want you to be happy. But, let me warn you love he aint a real man.
Old Prince Willie may have the money, the looks and the fame, but can he down ten pints; drive a mini bus full of blind kids to a sarari park; give them a great day out and get them home safely in time to reach the off licence just before it closes? Of course not.
Take your pick Britney. Its him or me.
S E X M O N K E Y . . .
Another week, another pervert out on the loose. What is it with these old sex monkeys? This week it was the turn of that living relic Mick Jagger.
He was spotted out on the town on the back of a massive bender in Soho. (Its not as homo-erotic as it sounds). For 57 year old Mick, life seems to be a nonstop merry-go-round of birds, booze and strip clubs at the moment.
First, earlier in the week he was seen out on the town with Martian Scorsese, and now hes been spotted in the strip clubs of Soho trying to get it on with every bird in the place by dancing like a wrinkly scarecrow in a hurricane from 1866.
Mick, if youre reading this, why not come out with me and the boys from the Rugby club to this years summer trip to Bournemouth?
Youll love it! You can get all the booze, sex, and fighting you want. And you dont even have to leave the coach. Phone Terry on O73 431 806. We look forward to seeing you there!!!
..The new All Saints film will be hitting our screens soon. This film is gonna be a bona fida classic. Im pretty sure theyll be an awful lot of moping up after each showing.
If any lads out there want one of my special Wanking pop corn boxes then write in to us.
Its nothing fancy, just an old pop corn box with special holes in, but theyre big enough for the sparrow to get to his worm.
Lisa left eye.
Its all a-happening for the TLC lush Lisa Lopes who has finnaly decided to stand on her own two feet and leap fearlessly into an unpredictable solo career. A string of successful sessions with Pop high flyers such as Mel C and Donnell Jones has given Lisa enough confidence to go it alone.
Unlike TBoz whose after-school bedroom antics landed her with a bigger hit than expected. Lisa has no intentions of getting stuck with parental responsibilities.
Tell us why?
Two 17 year old fuck wits DJ Oxide and Neutrino have signed their own death warrant by owning up to using the Casualty theme tune in their track 'Bound 4 Da Reload (Casualty)'. Boys we know youre young and not particularly bright, but why? You must have some understanding of right and wrong.
According to the official Lolly press release fans had to run for their lives when the fire alarms went off during a Lolly Pop performance at the Bognor Butlins.
According to a Butlins cleaner what realy happend is that as Lolly started to sing her latest Pop offering 'Forever in Love' the kids went mad, started screaming and crashed through the fire escape doors -which set the alarms off - and ran onto the Bognor streets.
It took over two hours for the worried parents to round up their traumatised toddlers and coax them back into the camp.
Travis look to be overtaking Oasis in the race to break the US market and all without a top 100 album.
Amazing what talent can do.
High Street Gizmo
HMV are promising all sorts of gizmos and devices to encourage punters through the doors of their new Oxford Street store which opens for business later this month. Their first store opened in 1921 and was responsible for among other things, Cliff Richards demo track and the Beatles meeting Sir George Martin.
One wonders what the new era will bring.
Dotcoms are to mingle with the cows with the sponsorship of websites and webcasts for this summers outdoor music festivals. Mud obviously never looked so good.
Sad to see that old Ginger Prick is having his T.F.I show axed by Channel 4.
But I feel more more sorry for such classic bands as Shed Seven, Terrovision and Baby Bird who used to appear on the programme on rotation every week. I doubt any other deaf prick will allow your shite music on prime time television. Youre fifteen minutes have now finally come to an end. See ya.
Poor old John Lennon must be weeping in his grave as news reaches me that his beloved widow Yoko Ono has finally met that singing tramp Liam Gallagher.
The pair met back stage after Oasis gig at New Yorks Radio Music Hall earlier in the week
At first Liam was nervous, fearing that Yoko had turned up to confront the band over
unpaid royalties that still havent been settled since the band decided to base their entire career around the exact three chords used in Lennons 1970 hit Instant Karma.
However, once a voice interpreter had been found (Yoko couldnt make out a word old big mouth was saying) the pair got on like a house on fire. The only problem was that there was constant confusion during the conversation, due mainly to the fact that Liams little nipper is also called Lennon.
Apparently, Yoko was stunned when Liam announced : You know what I loved about Lennon when he first came out ? The way he would look you in the eye, dribble in your ear, and the fall asleep in his own shit.
Yoko was last seen speeding out of the nearest fire exit not believing Liam's apparent insensitivity. Things were not made any better when Liam yelled out after her
"Dont worry Yoko. Lennons come back after a long long sleep. Hes just sucking on Pastys tits."