:: I N S I D E R V I E W S ::

P O T A T O E S . . .

.Another week another pointless awards ceremony. This week it was the turn of that crappy little radio station ‘Capital Radio’.
I might as well get the boring stuff out of the way first and tell you that Robbie Williams picked up three gongs for turning up, as did those ‘Sexy dogs’ the All Saints.

The big talking point of the night however, was the sight of George Michael turning up with his new ‘slimline’ friend Geri Haliwell. How does she do it? What’s the secret of her diet? Well, dear readers I can tell you. She now looks like a slim ‘ginger pig’ due to her diet of potatoes, bread and water.

Yep, even George has lost two stone on this new ‘danger diet’. Only last week Geri herself found out just how ‘dangerous’ it was. She nearly choked to death stuffing her eighteenth loaf into her mouth whilst swallowing her twelfth sack of potatoes.

G I V E H E A D . . .

Just when I needed cheering up, news reaches me that the new Radiohead album will soon be with us. More ‘doom n’ gloom’ I hear you cry? Well, yes.

The new album’s working title would suggest that they still haven’t had sex yet.
(It’s rumoured to be called. ‘No one likes me. I’m ugly. I want to Die.’)
I bet the clubs of Europe will be cleared as soon as this album of ‘Samaritan soundtracks’ hits the decks.

However, the band remain up beat. Thom Yorke told the band’s web site: "Yesterday we finished recording. I am free and happy now. I’m going for a walk in the park. Goodbye."

Whether or not he returned from the park no one knows, but they are due to start rehearsals for their tour which starts in June/July. The album will finally be released in September/October. See readers, serious news can come from this page.

M O T H E R M A R Y . . .

How this freak keeps getting her ugly face in the papers I’ll never know, but this week Sinead O’ Conner was promoted by the Catholic splinter group which ordained her to the priest hood 12 months ago. Understand that readers? Nor do I, but we need all the news stories we can get, so stick with it.

Sinead has also been made an Archdeacon in recognition of her work on behalf of Dublin’s homeless. She has also been made an honorary Doctor of ‘Divinity in Divine Healing’.

Jesus Christ! At the rate she’s going it won’t be long before she’s ‘healing the blind of Bethlehem’.

Well, last week I had enough of these stories of good old Magic Christian’ O’ Conner and decided to book myself onto the first train to Dublin to do a bit of undercover reporting. I wanted to find out if Sinead really is the new ‘Virgin Mary’ we keep on hearing about.

Dressed in nothing more than a coal sack and a pair of wooden sandals, I covered myself in the best sewage Ireland could produce and laid down next to the railway track. And who should turn up looking like a river rat in a vicar’s over coat? ….
None other than Sinead herself, asking if I was ‘Ok, my Child?’

Quickly I made up some ‘crock of shit story’ about my Father dying when I was young, and how my Mother had run away to London to live with a gang of homosexual illegal immigrants. (How I made that up I’ll never know.) Anyway, it wasn’t long before she picked me up, led me to her Mock Tudor Villa and offered me some Shamrock whiskey. After which she washed me and then very spiritually….. shagged me every which way. No wonder she keeps the homeless so happy. That woman knows every ‘Miracle’ in the Sex Bible. I will never forget how she took a young ‘virgin’ and turned him in to a Sex Crazed Goliath.
Thankyou, Mary.

F I S H S P I C E . . .
All over the papers this week were pictures of Mel C (Sporty Spice) looking like a washed up beached whale whilst on holiday in the Caribbean. Not content with doing a very good impression of a ‘human bouncy castle’ her lesbian storm also gathered momentum this week after it was reported she shared a double bed with her female ‘spiritual advisor’ Ying Yau. I can just hear the bedroom conversation now……….

Mel C: ‘I’m so lost mentally. I need your help Ying Yau. I don’t know if I can feel the energies this morning’.

Ying Yau : ‘How about if I put my hands on your breasts ?’

Mel C: ‘Yes, I can feel them now. Thankyou, Ying Yau. Now I can feel my ‘aura’ expanding.’

Look love, if you do lick the ‘cat flap’ then come out and tell us all. I won’t mind love.
I mean you do look like a ‘Dick Van Dyke’ so at least you’d look good as a lezzer.

People are a lot more forgiving than you think. Look at my Uncle Reggie for example.
He came out as a homosexual two years ago, and all his friends came back to him after eighteen months. Perhaps you shouldn’t copy his exact way of announcing his sexuality
(at his daughter’s wedding ceremony), but these days it’s all the rage.

But, for my sake (and all these millions of readers) stop telling us about your romance with J from boyband Five, who you’ve never met, spoken to, or kissed.

To use this ugly little boy as a ‘Lesbian Smoke Screen’ is bang out of order. Get your ‘bent’ feelings out or get back in the ‘woman’s closet.’

Ben

B I L L I E B I T S . . .
Well, I promised you more ‘Billie bits’ and although she may be looking hotter than a bunch of ‘female Swedish hockey players trapped in a bath tub of molten lava, there is more worrying evidence that she is still not the ‘brightest light in the harbour’.
This week some more ‘low I.Q.’ mumbling…………

"I only found out I could have a rider six months ago. I can never think of anything I really want so I usually just ask for water, yoghurt and fruit."

Yep, I know she could ask for anything, but she picks a load of ‘horse food’.
It’s a bit like being told you can have any food in the world and opting for a ‘bag of plums’. But if Billie didn’t know she could have a rider, what else does little Billie not know ?

Billie, ask your manager a couple of questions involving the key words ‘Mechanising Percentages’ and ‘Royalty Cheques’ the next time you see him, and see if he starts making a run towards the nearest door or not.