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  W A N K A T H O N. . .
Lord, oh lord! Look out lads for what could be the biggest ‘wank-a-thon’ in history when the new All Saints film opens on May 24th. Watch out for their new movie ‘Honest’.
And which movie making genius is behind this master piece? Well, it’s none other than that ‘ferret on a wheel’ Dave Stewart. No other genius could have hoodwinked one of the sexiest bands in pop history into appearing in one of the worst films of all time.
I can just see the audition now. Dave Stewart : ‘Right girls lets see you naked. ooooohhhhhhh yeah! You’ve got those ‘special acting qualities’ I’ve been looking for. These are very complex characters to get into.’
All Saints Nat tells me this week : ‘I’m brilliant!’ But she adds …. ‘The sex scenes are giving Dave a real headache.’
I bet they are Nat! The only reason he’s getting a ’headache’ is because he keeps smacking his head on the furniture as he rolls around in his ‘private editing suite’ whilst going berserk in the middle of a ‘wank trance’.
Dave is now in talks with censors over the offending scenes. Apparently he‘s haggling with them for the right price………..the dirty little sex monkey.
 C R A S H Z O N E . . .
 Dear, oh dear, just when I needed a great story to start the week off, another pop star fails to kill himself whilst driving a poncey sports car.
This week's ‘speed freak’ was none other than that singing boxer Shane Lynch of Boyzone. Shane ploughed straight through a garden wall, a school fete and a milk float before finally coming to rest in a muddy pond. Covered in semi-skimmed milk, cement and children’s blood, Shane walked away from the crash un-harmed claiming he had misunderstood the car dealer who told him the racing car was an ‘automatic.’ Unfortunately, Shane thought this meant that the car ‘drove itself’ and that he was just trying to catch up on some sleep when the crash took place.
Thankfully, Shane will still be able to mime his way through the entire Boyzone back catalogue, so his career is in safe hands, unlike any car steering wheel.
Shane told me yesterday : ‘I love racing - it gives me such a buzz. I can forget about the pop business and just focus on the next corner.’ Maybe if you had just focussed on the ‘next corner’ instead of sleeping Shane, you may have avoided the biggest road disaster since the time someone left a pissed up Oliver Reed in charge of a combine harvester on the hard shoulder of the M4.
 H U F F P U F F . . .
 Once again Puff Daddy seems to be kicking up a storm in the States by reacting angrily to accusations that he lied before a grand jury about owning or possessing a gun, after reports in an American paper this week.
The New York City Post reported that Puff was to be investigated further by prosecutors over possible perjury charges stemming from his January court appearance.
And if that wasn’t enough trouble for our ‘number one gangster’ then worse was to come when it was reported the grand jury have also been asked to look into rumours of witness tampering by Coomb’s employees at Bad Boy Entertainment.
Apparently, one woman witness who was crossed examined by the jury last January confessed that ‘Puff’ was seen firing a gun at the dance floor.
However, when she returned to the court the following day she had not only changed sex, but also colour and was reported to be wearing a huge diamond necklace.
The witness had also ‘completely’ forgotten what she/he had testified to the jury only the day before, and announced ‘Puff’ was completely innocent.
Puff’s employee’s completely deny any ‘witness tampering’.
 F R U I T C A K E . . .
 More news reaches me this week of that singing fruit cake Whitney Houston.
Poor old ‘dickie lickie’ George Michael was furious after being told he was banned from her studio in L.A, even though they were due to record a duet together called ‘If I told you that!’
Now, I don’t want to make wild accusations, but I suspect Ms Houston is suffering from massive paranoia due to reports of her widespread drug addiction.
Poor old Whitney, has had a bad year so far……. First, she was caught smuggling a massive mountain of marijuana in her 12 foot long make up bag, and then only last month she was fired from performing at the Oscars because she thought the microphone was going to ‘shoot’ her.
And now she tells poor old George he cannot sing with her in the studio, probably because she’s so paranoid she thinks his penis will also fire at her. ( It does tend to go off accidentally .)
So, what does she do? She threatens to let her bodyguards loose on poor old George if he doesn’t ‘get out of town’. Yesterday George was still waiting for the four well built young men to jump on him.
 S I C K A W A R D S . . .
Dear, oh dear, I’ve seen some pretty sickening sights in my time as one of Europe’s top showbiz reporters, but none so sick as those ‘hearts of gold’ popstars crying over a load of poor kids who have been ‘so brave at such a young age’.
What am I on about? I’m talking about ‘The Mirror’s Pride Of Britain’ awards ceremony which were held at London’s Hilton Hotel last week.
This event was nothing more than a glorified publicity stunt for the Mirror newspaper and the popstars who attended.
Just read a section of Ronan Keating’s speech for example :
"I am so honoured to be able to give this award to the ‘bravest little girl in the world’……...Charlotte Carter. As you know five year old Charlotte saved a mini-bus full of O.A.P’s after their vehicle collided with a cattle lorry in an underground tunnel in the south of France. One, by one, she beat back the flames and dragged out over 70 bodies using nothing but her teeth and a pink bicycle. And who could forget her immense strength as she carried over 40 burnt and badly injured cows over her shoulder to safety. This little girl’s courage will never be forgotten. Incidentally ……my new album is also called ‘Never Be Forgotten’ and is out on May 15th."
 B A B Y B I T S . . .
 Glad to see Madonna is looking good and forward to giving birth to a new baby boy in September.
Once again Madonna has done a very good impression of avoiding any ‘much hated publicity’ by walking around showing off her bump to any cameraman who comes near her. But how did the doctor know it was a boy? Well, he used the exact same ‘spiritual method’ that I do whilst working in my other job at the Royal United Hospital under my professional name : Doctor Brian Death.
Yep, it was me who told ‘All Saint’ Melanie Blatt that she was due to have a daughter by shoving a large carrot up her ‘Wookie Hole Cave.’
Melanie Blatt : "Doctor Death, how can you tell what sex the baby is by using this ‘natural’ method?"
Doctor Death : "Well love, by using the forces of the earth’s energies through the carrot, I can pick up human vibrations that will indicate the child’s sex."
Melanie Blatt : "So, what is it Doc? A boy or a Girl?"
Doctor Death : "Well, I’ll need the scanner for that information love, but failing that I usually just toss a coin."
 M O T H E R S P I C E . . .
 Here we go again! Is it Mother Teresa or Mel C? The choice is yours.
Just listen to this ‘oh poor thing, I lost both my legs once as well’ popstar wank which comes straight from the ‘bored house wife who shops at M&S’ monthly.
Right, ready? Then let the sermon begin : "I’d also like to do things for kids who don’t have anything. Recently I saw this programme about children living in poverty. They were bunking off school and getting up to mischief, simply because they didn’t have anything else to do. It made me think that perhaps the Spice Girls should help set up studios in council estates in poor communities, just to give kids a focus."
It would definitely give those poor little monkeys ‘a focus’. The only problem would be that they would be ‘focusing’ on how to break into the studio, nick all the gear and flog it all down the market without getting caught. Jesus Mel, do I have to spell it out?
 W E S T . . .
 Just went I thought Oasis’ career couldn’t sink to any lower depths of despair, up pops the news that Liam Gallager was caught busking outside his hotel in down town L.A. singing such classics as ‘Streets of London’; ‘Parklife’ and the ‘Wild Rover’, all of which have exactly the same chords as used by his brother Noel on their last two flop albums.
Talking of Noel, whilst Liam was doing a very good impression of Dick Van Dyke, he was still trying to resurrect their American chart position (113) by performing with the rest of the band on America’s most popular T.V show Jay Leno.
Let’s just sum up how thick Oasis are. They go to America where their album is selling as well as ‘Hot cakes on a Hawaiian beach in July’ and perform on a massive coast to coast show minus their main star. The phrase ‘shooting themselves in the foot’ springs to mind.
Still, at least Liam made $7 (£5) from his busking, which is almost double what he’s made from that ‘Albatross’ of an album ‘Standing On The Shoulder Of Giants’.
Ben
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No Cure
More sad news reaches me this week concerning those horrible ‘over weight goths ‘ The Cure.
This week at Prague’s Sports Hall, a man shot himself whilst watching their stuffed penguin’s stage show. The Cure were performing songs from their latest album ‘Blood Flowers’………so I’m not surprised he blew his head off. It’s shit.
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Out of Step
"Tragedy" struck Steps this week when ‘singer’ Faye Tozer announced that she is quitting the band because they work too hard. Last year’s arena tour saw them working 33 days out of 60! Jesus I can see what she means. All that dancing like a ‘tart in a cement mixer’ must of taken its toll. But, then again she does have to put up with that ‘Twat on a stick’ H, so I can see where she’s coming from.
But, if any of Steps are reading this and are looking for a replacement for Faye then I know a very ‘sexy’ young dancer called ‘Benitta’ who’d love nothing more than to practice dancing in a gym between Lisa and Claire to ‘firm up’.
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More baby news.
This week David Bowie’s wife Iman told the world how she finally conceived at the age of 44, buy using an Ancient African custom.
Unlike Doctor Death’s ‘African pregnancy technique’, (which involves an African hockey player, a test tube and a water pistol), this African custom consists of the woman who wishes to conceive borrowing a friend’s young child for a day and then bingo! one beautiful bouncing baby.
This method worked very well for my wife Tina, who gave birth to our son ‘Leroy’ earlier this year after spending a day with our next door neighbour’s son Jason
He’s an 18 year old rugby player from Brixton, and after spending the day with him she said she felt pregnant within the first fifteen minutes of meeting.
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Thick coconuts
Well, well, well I bet he can’t believe his luck. Guess which singer/plumber is set to become the brand new ‘martial arts superstar’? Well, it’s none other than Boyzone’s Mikey Graham.
Martial arts hero Jackie Chan was so impressed by the way Mikey ‘kicked the shit’ out of a 13 year old girl fan (who’d only wanted to give him a bunch of flowers), that he decided to give Mikey the chance to star in a three million pound remake of that classic kung-foo movie ‘Fatal Deviation.’
Mikey told me yesterday : "I like acting, so who knows what will happen."
I can tell you what will happen Mikey –nothing as you have all the acting ability of a bag of polystyrene.
Mikey would also like to point out that whilst Boyszone are taking a break, he is offering his customers a 10% discount on all combination boilers during May.
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Piss in boots
Poor old Mick Jagger got a nasty surprise whilst recording this week when an old dog crept into the studio and pissed all over his leg.
Apparently Mick didn’t know Jerry Hall was in the studio, but I think it was her way of telling him to come up with the divorce payments.
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New Kids
As I tuned in to a popular morning show on Saturday I saw before me a golden vision of beauty, glamour and sophistication. This vision was MADE IN LONDON and they were humming a tune called ‘Dirty Water ‘'. They have the same team behind them that transformed Natalie Imbruglia’s career as an Australian soapqueen into one of music's hottest mediocre tickets, and although they look far from mediocre, this first offering is just that. Having said that they could well be the new All Saints so hopefully they’ll be in a film in two years time where they all get their bangers out!
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Watergate
Well ,well, well. A band named after one of America's biggest political scandals with a song title that makes one think of depressing war movies set in Vietnam ,
and that just about sums up this pile of dross. They’ve turned Ryuchi Sakamoto’s theme to 'Merry Christmas Mr Laurence' into a disco joke. A piece of music that used to make me think of my grandfather when he was a tortured, starving, ill-treated Japanese prisoner of war now makes me think of doped up ponses dancing on a beach in Thailand. I don’t know, what next? Tchaicovski’s 1812 overture over some bangin happy hardcore house! Well just remember, I had the idea first .
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Bluetones
Shock, horror ,The Bluetones have come up with a half decent song. Although it is not quite up there with ‘Slight Return’ it is miles better than anything ‘Return to the last chance Saloon ‘ had to offer and a vast improvement on 'Keep the homefires burning' which lets face it sounded like The Hollies in 1965. If they keep this up they might not get dropped like most of the britpop class of 95/96.
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