Some legendary names have graced these pages over the months: John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix and that ‘fat trucker’ called Elvis.

But this week, I can exclusively announce that after years of acting like a 12 year old with a sugar allergy in a barrel of panda pop, up comes a man with so much musical talent, he sometimes has to knock himself out with an iron bar just to stop his musical mind from exploding. His name? Well it’s H from Steps.

Yep, you’ve guessed it, he’s planning a solo single due for release this summer.

At last people will realise he is the true song writing genius behind one of the biggest pop acts of all time. For years everyone thought it was Lee who penned the big hits after he wrote so many classic musicals such as ‘Cats’ and ‘Phantom of the Opera’.

Now, the new mature H will finally prove the critics wrong. Watch this space.

7 I N H E V E N . . .

This information is for anyone out there whose life is slowly passing them by.

Maybe you’re addicted to collecting swans from the local canal and dressing them up as women, or you love collecting conkers from the trees of Yugoslavia.

Well I’ve got some good news for you from the Heir Fuller camp. S Club 7 have just finished a new 13 part TV series which starts on BBC 1 next week.

Yep, I know the blokes aren’t too hot, but if you video the whole series you can get all the best beaver on one VHS with a clever piece of editing using selotape, a bread knife and a lot of sticky glue. Please make sure your ‘beast’ is tucked safely away in his ‘cave’ before you start chopping and a’ splicing. This is because last week (whilst editing the Blue Peter Swimmathon) I lost a lot of ‘footage’. Poor old Mr Pinkie hasn’t been the same since.

Just when I thought it was safe to turn on the TV guess whose ego has now gone into overdrive. Yep you’ve guessed it, it’s that pompous ‘furry prick’ Dave Stewart.

Speaking exclusively to me from his own arse, Dave tells me he is to launch his very own TV channel. Lord above! I can hardly wait! And what will this channel provide us with dear readers? Well, I’ll let dear old Davie explain…

"It will be the first human potential, mind, body and spirit channel. The programmes will range from documentaries to magazine shows. Topics covered will include a variety of personal and professional issues such as spirituality, sex and cooking, presented by ‘gurus’ in the particular field."

Let me tell you what this sick bumbling old trout really means…

His channel will indeed involve ‘bodies, sex and spirits’. But you’ll get them all at the same time, as one by one, a group of woman show us their ‘bodies’, have ‘sex’ and then drink themselves stupid on ‘spirits’.

And what about the ‘gurus in a field of their own?’ Yep, they’ll be gurus alright, and they’ll be in a field…….That’s about as interesting as it gets. For christ sake Dave! You’ve already clogged up the charts with more shit than a silage plant, and now you want to put a load of hippies on T.V.

May the hairs of your chinny chin chin get caught in the blades of a rusty combine harvester, whilst you’re out looking for Organic wheat, you boring old arse hole.

Well, well, well, what a surprise if it ain’t old ‘nick someone else’s tune from 1984, rap a load of bollocks over it, and Bob’s Yer Uncle I’m a billionaire’ Puff Daddy who seems to be ‘getting away with murder’ again in an American court of law this week.

Remember just after New Year Puff was in a New York night club when all of a sudden out of nowhere bullets started flying through the air towards a dance floor full of people?

At first Puff denied the bullets had anything to do with him. (He claimed that they were infact ‘dry roasted peanuts’, and he didn’t realise they could cause so much damage.)

However, later on a gun was found in his car. (Once again Puff told complete porkiepies claiming the gun was in fact a necklace belonging to his misses Jennifer Lopez. This lie ‘back-fired’ when Lopez blew her tits clean off whilst attempting to wear the ‘necklace’ in front of the cops.)

Apparently, witnesses have now come forward protesting Puff’s innocence after tough questioning by his lawyers….

‘No sir, I didn’t see a thing. Puff’s a wonderful human being.’

It seems that finally Puff is on the path to freedom. Rapper Shyne and bodyguard Anthony ‘Wolf’ Jones are apparently prepared to say that the Bad Boy entertainment mogul Puffy had nothing to do with the weapons exchange.

I hope that this will help stop Puffy from going to Prison, because the last thing we need is a massive career boost that 25 years in stir normally gives a fading rap star.

Dear readers, I hope you’ll be taking notes on this, because what I am about to report to you is a classic example of an old uptight pop star whose career is now firmly in the ‘Curiosity Killed The Cat’ league of record sales. Can you guess who it is dear readers?

Yep, it’s good old ‘bulldog chewing a wasp’ Chrissie Hynde.

Where do I begin? She loves publicity that focuses any attention to her campaign against cruelty to animals, which she always seems to time to perfection when her career is in the Doldrums. (It’s a bit like when people were losing respect for Hitler, so he started WW2, and bingo he’s all over the papers…….and his album goes Platinum.)

Last month Chrissie was arrested in America whilst protesting in a Gap clothes shop about their use of leather from India. (Apparently she prefers the leather they use from Mexico, as the Indian stuff kept bringing her out in a rash.)

Anyway, blah, blah, blah she got arrested, everyone remembered who she was again, mission accomplished. Hope you’re happy now love, even though the police van you were arrested in ran over two foxes and a chicken whilst speeding you on your way to the police station.

Still, my new pair of ‘feathered fox skin gloves’ have come in very handy just as the weather was taking a turn for the worse again. Thankyou Chrissie. xxxxxxxxx

Well readers, I always thought Travis had ‘wet girls blouse’ written all over them, and it seems my beliefs were completely vindicated.

This week poor old Travis front man Fran Healy told any bored journalist who’d listen that he finally had a nervous breakdown, due to the pressure of being in one of the most over rated bands in the history of British music.

Fran went on to say "I was close to cracking up at the end of last year because there was just so much going on. At the top there are too many things to do, so you’re beginning to go, ‘what the fuck is going on?’ It’s like the rite of passage. It’s like shedding your skin and no-one can pull it off you, you’ve got to let it shed in it’s own time."

What the hell is this ‘singing water rat’ going on about? If it’s getting all too much for you Fran I’m pretty sure that there are plenty of other third rate buskers in Glasgow with nothing much to do for the next 20 years, and who’d love to tour the world and watch the money roll in.

So anytime you’re finding it hard making loads of money out of your ‘poor mans Proclaimers album’, just give them a call. As for now, stop crying and take your mother’s dress off. And just remember no one likes a cry baby. Now piss off!

Did anyone out there catch Oasis on BBC 2 on Saturday night ?

To be completely honest, I missed the whole thing as I was judging a ’Battle of the Bands’ competition at the White Horse in Fulham, but from what I heard BBC2 were also giving a platform to a bunch of scruffy un-talented musicians who still think they’re pop stars. The only difference is Oasis didn’t have to get up and announce the winner of the raffle half way through the evening.

(We were trying to raise enough money for a guide dog for Jenny, a local young blind girl. Thank god we managed to raise the exact amount needed, as last year we only managed to raise enough money for a ‘blind dog’ which wasn’t helping anybody.)

More Steps news reaches me this week… Apparently the singing ‘British Airways stewards’ will be opening a talent school later next year. And where will they be opening this school of ‘Dance and Theatre’. None other than that hot bed of talent : Wales.

Jesus! What are the chances of H getting the shit kicked out of him whilst 50 of Welsh Rugby‘s most violent fans re-enact the fight scene from ‘West Side Story’ in the audition?

What talent is there in Wales? I’m pretty sure that the world is not really ready to hear the talents of 6 pissed up welsh miners whilst they shag the arse off a drugged up sheep at the end of a hard days work………but then again it would liven up ‘Top Of The Pops’.

Another week, another bunch of O.A.Ps trying to get rich off the back of former glories. This week it’s that band that everyone keeps going on and on about called ‘The Beatles’.

Why they need to write yet another book on how they turned an out of time big-nosed drummer into a legend, I’ll never know, but the biggest tragedy of it all is that Yoko Ono is getting a mere £200 million and she was the one that broke them up!

And how much is this book going to cost I hear you cry? Well about £50. Yep, that’s it £50 just to hear three old men giving blow by blow accounts of how they recorded such classics as ‘Yellow Submarine’ and ‘Octopus' Garden’. I can hardly wait.

PS: I can also reveal a rumour that in 1980 Yoko paid a hit man 50 bucks to shoot Lennon so that she would get a massive pay day. (This is based on information I collected whilst writing my very own Beatles book called ‘One down, three to go’.)

BEN

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Wastelife
From the old Beatles to the new Beatles. I’m talking of course of those ‘puppets on a string’ Westlife.

This week they notched up a record five number ones. This is another living miracle.

This band have all the talent and promise of an old woman who’s just been tied up and put in a dustbin. Sure, she’ll make a noise, but it’s hardly music to my ears. Still, I’m pretty sure it would be a darn sight more pleasant to watch and hear than any thing those five little monkeys will ever make. I hope their tour bus hits an oil tanker.

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Lip Service
Just when I thought Britney Spears was as rebellious as a coach full of disgraced vicars, up pops the ‘biggest knee caps’ in pop with the news she will be recording a cover of that classic Rolling Stones Tune ‘Satisfaction’.

I can’t wait to hear Britters singing the line "‘I’m trying to make some girl".
Man, that will make my year! I’ve got a pretty good feeling that after more than 50 years of drumming Charlie Watts will suddenly be banging out a very constant rhthym on his ‘pink drum stick’ once this news hits the Stones tour bus.

And what are the chances of old ‘Dick dagger’ ‘popping up’ in the video and trying to hump her arse off? Could Britney at last get some ‘lip service’ from a dirty old ‘Midnight Rambler’.

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Painter
Looks as if the Prodigy will now be without the huge musical talent of dancer Leeroy Thornhill who’s quit the band this week so that he can concentrate on his love of painting.

Anyone who needs a painter and decorator please contact Leeroy as soon as possible.
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Eternal
It’s with a tear in my eye, and a bulge in my flies, that I have the sad duty of informing you that one of music’s best love soul outfits have been dropped by EMI this week.

No, I’m not talking about ‘Chakka Demus N’ Pliers’, but those sexy little love rats Eternal. Yes, this week after losing more band members than Duran Duran, the two original members Easther and Vernie Bennett were told that their services were no longer required.

Both sisters tell me that other labels are interested them, (even though their last album failed to reach the top 75). However, I haven’t got the heart to tell them that after listening to their latest demo they will indeed be snapped up and be sent straight back to the top………………of the office where they will start hovering and cleaning every floor till they reach the end of their day.

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Pissy git
Fat Boy Slim (stupid name) is pissed off because his girly wife is to earn more than he is from a Mobile Phone TV ad.

Zoe is gonna get £100,000 for her performance and poor old fatty was only offered £30,000. Fatty went off in a huff and the producers had to find a lookalike to take his place.

An inside source from the production company said "Zoe was great fun to work with, but Fatty’s a pissy git"

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Beat me
Madonna is about to get a damn good beating in her next video. The sick bitch video is about the different moods in life and in one scene will show Madonna being followed down a dark alley and then getting a good slapping whilst pregnant.

The production team say the video will be both funny and violent at the same time. Madonna have you completely lost it?

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Tight Ass
Rich, nasty bastard Phil Collins is suing two former members of his backing band for earning too much money. The two Earth, Wind and Fire horn blowers (Satterfield and Davis) worked for Collins in the 80s and 90s and were entitled to 0.5% of royalties from a live recording of the Get Serious tour.

Collins now says this was too much and he wants the money back. Collins who is only worth £300 million is obviously short, but not short of a few bob. He now wants to totally destroy these talented African-American musicians just because he can. What are you Phil?

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Thick Stick
The old, Posh miming stick is desperate to get her solo career off the ground and has been recording a five track demo with a couple of pros… McMillan and Sang have been brought in to help turn this walking nightmare into something more palatable. Somehow I think they would be better off flogging a dead horse because no way will they achieve their objective and they must know this.

I can only assume they know their respective Writing & Production careers are coming to an end and want to make some quick money before they’re put out to pasture.