B I G B A N D . . .
Where have all the big bands gone? (We are not talking karaoke culture here but credible musicians). Did panic set in when this year’s festival organisers realised that all but one of their available headliners would, last year, have been considered to be no more than a warm-up band? Did coronaries abound among the marketing departments of Glasto and the V’s when Radiohead ruled out a premature emergence from their lengthy dormancy and Oasis, who are the only active band with stadium-sized audience appeal, had already committed themselves to Leeds/Reading?

What a mess we are in when the artists we are expected to bestow our tens of pounds upon have just not been at it long enough to headline or have been at it so long that they should count themselves lucky for each coffin-dodging day that passes without a terminal event. They are not a crap bunch but they just do not have that intense certain something that can reverberate the innards of each and every end-of-the-night stupor-ridden individual in a multi-aged crowd of tens of thousands.

The assumption is that if bands sell well they can headline. The problem is that many of them sell well because their cross-over appeal allows them to snatch a buck or several from the conformist-coffee-table-Sunday-supplement masses, and said masses do not a festival audience make lest they should be forced to endure a riff that will not bend towards their favoured market of the safe and aurally undemanding.

The only hope for this year’s festivals is that a large quantity of quality musical underdogs will be recruited to prevent us all having to feign interest in what is promising to be a series of lack-lustre line-ups.

Ate Thevan

E L T OO N J O H N . . .
Any readers out there who are under the age of 15 months will be glad to hear that a new cartoon will be hitting the big screen later this year, and who’ll be starring in it I hear you cry. Is it Daffy Duck? Pinocchio? No. It’s Elton John.

Yep, old ‘bum fingers’ Elton is now turning his huge talents to the world of animation. Recent reports suggest that Elton was furious over the early sketches for the new Speilberg film "The Road To Eldorardo" and ordered a team of young artists to touch up the strips of him using an air brush.

(Apparently it was a bad line when Elton gave these orders because the next day a troop of young artists turned up at Elton’s house taking pictures of him whilst stripping and touching him up with a hair brush. Elton was shocked. They were a day early).

And the results? Well think along the lines of Elmer Fudd and that timeless classic ‘Animal Farm’. Elton even sings his new single in it which is called ‘Somewhere Out Of The Blue’. I can hardly wait.

(PS : Gary Barlow’s newly animated film "The Road To The Trocadero" is out in August. Artists spent hours trying to get a decent sketch of him, but finally gave up. They ended up using recycled footage of that old Disney favourite ‘Porkey The Pig’).

F I S H E R P R I C E . . .
Poor old Britney Spears has run into more trouble whilst on her American tour.

Apparently she was spotted ‘miming’ at a recent gig in Birmingham, Alabama. Press reviewers in the front row swore she was ‘lip synching for the whole show.’

Hello? Front row seats! And you donkeys were looking at her fucking lips? I wouldn’t care if she was miming to ‘Snooker Loopy Nuts Are We’ as long as I could see her ‘knee caps’ close up. God some people!

A spokeswoman for Britney tried to play down the accusation : "Britney definitely did not lip synch at the Birmingham concert. This was one of the first concerts on her tour and there were problems with the equipment."

Yeah I bet there were. Someone forgot to change the batteries in the Fisher Price tape machine? The CD player kept skipping? I know, I’ve seen it all before in 1990 as ‘Chief sound engineer’ for the final Milli Vanilli tour. You may laugh, but it was hard work. Pressing the play button every night was stressful stuff.

T W O T I T S A N D A L O T O F H I T S . . .
Better news for Britney fans is her forthcoming autobiography which is coming out later in the year.

It’s rumoured to be titled ‘Two Tits and a Lot of Hits’.

The book will reveal the ‘real Britney’. The woman who has suffered a great deal in the first 18 years of her life.

Who could ever forget the heart rending story of a girl who was hoodwinked into dancing around in a school girl’s uniform, and then blamed for a mass of ‘wank related heart attacks’ across many parts of North America. Her own father ‘Willie Spears’ was one of her first victims.

And then a year ago poor Britney dislocated her right knee, and was rushed to hospital to be operated on. When she woke up she found not only had her knee healed but she also had two of the biggest tits since Dolly Patron had a run-in with a bicycle pump. Did she complain? No she did not, such is the strength of this remarkable young woman. Hats and trousers off to you Britney.

R O A D S H O W . . .
It’s with a tear in my eye that I read that good old Radio One are to end their famous summer road shows after more than 27 years.

For many of us who loved nothing more than following the big names of Radio (DLT, Mike Reed and Chris Evans) all over the ‘British Rivera’ (Weston Supermare, Scarborough) every summer the news came as a terrible blow. We’ll now have to get a life.

Who can forget those famous road show moments. Marc Almond rubbing sun tan lotion into the back of a 15 year old boy, when it was actually pissing down with rain in Cardiff Bay.

And how about Keith Chegwin ploughing into 300 kids whilst pissed out of his mind at the wheel of a Ford Escort in 1982. (Officer: "You were swerving all over the road Mr Chegwin". Chegwin: "What do you expect. I’m pissed out of my mind on brandy! You try driving this fucking thing after you’ve been drinking all day!".)

Ah. Happy days. We’ll never forget them. Thank you Radio One.

P I N K L A V E N D E R . . .
Dear oh dear. I’ve read some shit before in my life (‘That’s magic’ by Paul Daniels, and ‘Cooking for One, Again’ by Ben Hill) but never have I read so much horse’s shit as the interview in this weeks ‘Mum I’ve had a wet dream, and you were in it’ magazine by ‘Teen Heart knob’ Ben from A1.

God, if this prick was a horse I’d be praying it would break it’s leg at the first hurdle, so I could quickly cart it off to the nearest glue factory. Just listen to this pot of piss.:

"I was very loved, and my mum took a lot of care of me. I think that’s why I’m a very……..loving person. I missed my mother a great deal at boarding school. I used to make someone in the same dormitory wait up until I went to sleep and I’d ask them, ‘Can I wake you up if I wake up during the night."

What a lame duck. How are you gonna get the respect from the chicks if you get all ‘Mommy I love you. I’m crying’. Get your shit together boy. You’re as manly as a bag of pink lavender.

When my mother left me at the adoption centre 21 years ago I never looked back. I couldn’t. I couldn’t because she’d broken my neck that very morning. I still have trouble turning my head to this very day.

B U C K I N G B I L L Y . . .
Just when I’d forgotten to sort my bets out for next months Grand National, up pops a timely reminder in the form of that ‘singing horse’ Billie.

Yep it’s time to ‘muck out the stables’ once more because she’s coming back to the field of pop with a cover of that old Blondie classic ‘The Tide Is High’.

Oh Billie, Billie, Billie. You’re so hot. Don’t tell me love, you are probably coming back with a more ‘mature sound’ that will alienate your under 5’s fan base, but in turn open up a new ‘under ground‘ market for you.

You’re gonna be like Kylie Minogue when she came back with a more ‘adult sound’. However, like Kylie the closest you’re ever gonna get to an ‘Under Ground Market’ is by selling Queen T-shirts at Victoria Tube Station.

I wish you all the best with the come back, love. I hope that now you’ve branched out into adult music, it won’t be too long before you discover the world of adult magazines. I can just see the headlines now ‘Buck faced Billie Bares All.’

S N A K E C H A R M E R. . .
The L.A cop who caught old ‘snake charmer’ George Michael wanking in a lav in 1998, is to tell more juicy details of George’s ‘toilet nightmare’ unless he’s paid £20 million.

Marcelo Rodriguez first sued George in 1998 after George’s video for ‘Outside’ took the piss out of him in a ‘Gay Cop’ dance routine.

Rodriguez claimed that the video caused him ‘great stress and embarrassment.’ (Apparently Rodriguez complained that the video made him look as if he was a gay cop who hung out in toilets and danced around like a poof. Which is a million miles from the truth. He’s never danced a step in his life).

So George what’s it gonna be? A bum rap. Or a bum trap? This could be the most expensive wank in pop history! He’s definitely backed you into a ‘tight corner’. I’d let him go to court and ‘spill the beans’. I can just picture the scene now. You stood in the witness box as the cop gives his very detailed evidence whilst hand cuffed. It’s your biggest fantasy come true George. Get on with it!

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Red Light
I bet Noel Gallagher is ‘horrified’ at the news that just 30 yards away from his massive country house is a ‘£75-a-time Hookers Sex Palace.’

Yep right next to his family home is a dirty tarts house and I won’t want to be around when Noel tells Meg he’s been going next door to ‘help fill her coal shed’.

I wonder where Noel got the inspiration for the track on his latest album called ‘Fucking In The Bushes’?

Apparently the album was to be called : ‘I’ve got the money. Meg’s out. How’s about it?’

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Fake
Looks like Robbie Williams has got a bee in his bonnet about pop stars miming. He told an audience this week : "You’d never see me miming. The least you can do is respect your fans and put your heart into your show."

Robbie then left the stage and was whisked away to a BBC studio to mime his way through a Top Of The Pops ‘live’ recording.

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Floyd
Just when you thought it was safe to come out from under the duvet, they’re back. Not content with causing acute embarrassment to todays youth by providing parents with prolonged air guitar moments, Pink Floyd are due to release another assault on the nation’s senses.

Cheerfully announcing that a new generation is ready to receive the word, it is apparently not enough that ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ still manages to scare up 200,000 sales each year. Amazing!

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Shit sensation
Selling as well as ‘Nazi mechanise’ at BHS is the new single by those boring bastards ‘The Lightning Seeds’. It’s called ‘Sweet Soul Sensation’.

Ever wondered why your career is now doing a very good impression of that classic band ‘Dodgy’ Mr Broudie? Maybe it’s because your lyrics have all the depth and meaning of an Infant school poetry competition.

Take a look at these words of ‘wisdom’ dear readers.

‘I’ve been on my own all day (day)
With Al Green and Marvin Gaye (gaye)
Waiting for rewind to play (play)

I expected changes (changes)
I thought they’d be trumpets
Sweet soul sensations. (Fireworks) Ah, ha, ha.

What the hell is this freak on about? I’m not surprised you’ve been on your ‘own all day’ Ian. Who wants to listen to you moaning on about ‘Trumpets’ and ‘Fireworks’?

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Sham
Rumour has it that the "fight" between Liam and Bob was actually set-up by Jim Kerr who has gone through extensive plastic surgery to dupe Robbies looks and then himself taunted the monobrow...there are witnesses who say it was Jim at the Brits not Robbie, this will all be proved in due course.

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Out of a pickle
Following Dicky Pickles’ foot stamping routine over the last few months, it looks as if all is happy and gay in the land of retail records again. The bearded one has agreed to settle the outstanding amount of £35m he owes the big boys and the last major supplier BMG has agreed to resume supplying stock. Well, that’s nice then, V-necked jerseys all round.

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Pop wars
Just when I thought I’d seen it all up pops another ‘POP WAR’.

After Robbie and Liam ‘squared up and pulled out’ last week it seems as if those singing 3rd division footballers Five and WestLife want to kick the shit out of each other.

It was all gonna kick off yesterday in a playground in Luton, but Five’s ‘father figure’ Bryan May stepped in and broke it up. Poor Bryan got the shit kicked out of him instead. He was last seen trying to clean the blood and ‘poodle hair’ from his white trainers which he’s had since Live Aid in 1985.

(Why can’t the chicks of the pop world have a fight? I’d give my right arm to see the Spice Girls smack the shit out of those Irish geeks B*Witched. I’d even join in and ‘ring my bell’ at the end of each round. We could turn it into a ‘Wank-a-Thon’ for the Children of Mozambique. I can just see it now ‘ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh yeah! There’s another life raft.’)

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Mays day
Bryan May looks set to attempt a "Tom Jones" style come-back after recent reports that he's been flinging his lushious locks with the likes of Axl Rose, Five and the Foo Fighters. Watch out Tom, he’s behind you!

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