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 I T'S A G I R L T H I N G . . .
Could this be a blatant plug sent in by someone calling themselves The Fat Producer?
..."The next big girl band will be released in May, it will be called 'Girl Thing' and the first single 'Last Ones Standing' will enter in the top ten.
I do not work for, or have any professional affiliation with the band but walls have huge fat ears like me..."
 Girl Thing is the creation of a number of industry bigwigs including A&R Simon Cowell and Management Chris Herbert. Their new bourns -signed last May - have been undergoing intense conditioning for well over a year and are just about ready to face the onslaught of media attention.
There’s more to conditioning then learning how to sing and dance. A key Pop requirement is to toughen the skin and remove any trace of mental awareness from the individual members. This way the band will never react in a negative way to the inevitable flak coming their way. Thus they will continue to believe they are good regardless of facts.
Girl Thing will have a much better chance than most to hit the big time - due to backing rather than raw talent - and the launch will undoubtedly be impressive, but only time will tell if they can sustain this interest. I’m sure Simon and Chris have done their homework, but this is hardly an original idea and do the public really want another action girl group.
 S A L T A N A . . .
Don’t look now but I did warn you last week that that old ‘South American Latin lap dancin’ poodle’ Santana is set to shoot to number one with ‘Smooth’ which is released very soon in the U.K .
This ‘musical donkey’ was about as popular as a Bluetones come back single, but now after four months and eight Grammys he’s bigger than a Sumo wrestler who’s just eaten a combine harvester.
Now I’m not Mystic Meg or any other fictional character from the Bible, but how the hell has Santana pulled this off? His album still sounds as shite as it did last year.
He hasn’t got Travis on any of the tracks, or Britney nude covered in salsa sauce on the front cover.
His album just goes to show that if you squeeze hard enough even the biggest turd can come out gold. And the reason he’s looking so smug in the ‘smooth’ video (which looks like an ‘open mike night’ at the ‘White Swan’ Newbury) is because he’s getting away with ‘musical murder’. Stop him now, and hopefully by the end of the summer he’ll be back making leather footballs for Man Utd in a bamboo hut in the Philipines.
 V E N G A S T Y L E . . .
 The lowest common denominator in ghastly pop rears its ugly head in the form of those antichrists of dance the Vengaboys. Shalala lala is all it takes to send the already dismayed into fits of screaming; water-torture please!
Insipid pop market saturation has forced the desperate muso big boys to target those younguns before they’ve even plopped from their mother’s loins and before they can judge the worthy from the despicable.
All I can say is mothers-to-be beware as gestation periods are set to lengthen to astronomical proportions when those potential sprogs brace themselves arms and feet outstretched to meet pelvic walls, digits embedded in placental membrane in hopeless efforts to delay the onslaught of this musical marketing nightmare.
Ate Thevan
 D O N'T B E C H I L D I S H R O B B I E . . .
Looks as if the biggest fight since World War 2 is due to kick off very soon between ‘Mad’ Liam Gallagher and ‘Porkey pie’ Robbie Williams.
Not since the mass brawl that broke out between doctors over who was to operate on Britney Spear’s ‘knee caps’ has a fight caused so much interest.
Who will referee this ‘Battle of the Big Mouths’? None other than that pillar of Christian strength Mark ‘Mac Le Twat’ Morrison. He will donate his stake of the money to those involved in the tragic Mozambique crisis.
Isn’t it cheering to see that underneath this ‘Gangsters, Guns n’ Guinea Pigs’ image is a warm hearted man who loves nothing more than helping those who are in need.
Only last week St. ‘Mac’ Morrison was spotted on the beaches of Norway helping to save the life of a baby dolphin called ‘Flippy’.
Flippy was the victim of Norway’s biggest oil slick. However, once all attempts to save his life had failed, old ‘Mac’ made sure the people of Norway would never forget poor flippy. And they didn’t. Once the beach Bar-B-Cue was under way there was enough dolphin sandwiches for the whole village.
 G A V E U S T H E B R I T S . . .
Well the BRITS have been and gone. This year’s ceremony wasn’t as bad as the shambles of 1989, (Sam Fox gives a massive introduction to the Four Tops, only for Boy George to walk on!) but it was still as exciting as ‘counting bricks ‘ at the Great Wall of China.
 One great plus was the Ronnie Wood vs Brandon Block moment. Just as most of Britain was drifting into a deep sleep, all hell kicked off when Ronnie spotted old ‘Cocaine Monkey’ Block rushing towards him. After a scuffle that resembled two old dears fighting over the last tin of mince in Tescos, Ronnie kept his cool and politely ordered Brandon off stage. (‘Get off you Cunt!’)
Ronnie later explained he feared for his life because he thought the chop sticks Brandon was waving around looked like a large knife. Poor old Ronnie. I hope the Stones never visit China again as he’d have a heart attack in every fucking restaurant.
(I don’t want to get too evil here, but a few years ago Ronnie’s eye sight again let him down badly. He suffered massive facial scars when he mistook a large knife for a pair of chop sticks in a Chinese noodle bar.)
It also reminds me of a time when Ronnie was in France in 1983 and he once again ‘feared for his life’ when a large man ran towards him with what Ronnie thought was a machine gun. It later turned out that the ‘machine gun’ was in fact a large ham baguette, but hey Ronnie nearly died O.K.
 M A D D I E S M A D M A R A T H O N . . .
Madonna’s at it again. With a bank-full of success under her belt she now proves in her 'American Pie' video that she just cannot be arsed to make a move from her dance-on-the-spot marathon. One could almost assume childbirth has taken its toll on her retentive abilities as her little routines suggest in frequent squats and butt clenches that:
a) she is dying for a pee
b) she is dying for a dump
c) she is going to distract all from this fact by thrusting, in an impossible shift of her centre of gravity, her ample, pendulous cleavage into double eclipse mode to obliterate all other content on every couch-tuber’s big screen TV
d) she is going to distract herself from this fact by caressing herself where all of those couch-tubers long to caress her.
But for the last two points, her choreography could almost be mistaken for a kiddies potty training guide, and it may well be just that now that she has experienced the difficulties of one to one child-rearing; well one to one plus nanny and no doubt multitudinous support staff.
Now she has set a trend in playing to the pre-nursery kids we will continue to suffer the aftermath of bandwagon hijackers like Steps and their 'one lesson is all it takes for a toddler to learn all of our routines' and what about NSync’s new (how to have an effective tantrum) moves for; Bye Bye Bye.
Imprint them while they’re young and they’ll cling on at least until they’re four-and-a-half.
Ate Thevan
 C R Y S T A L B A L L S . . .
Hold onto your nuts readers, I’m gonna give you a little peek into my Crystal Ball and show you the future of Pop. I know this sounds as exciting as an afternoon of shopping in Sheffield, but lets just say the office isn’t exactly swimming in great news stories this week.
Right you should know how this works now. I give you the Blurb, and then my very own translation. Here we go :
 Jessica Simpson : The Blurb
American Jessica is already doing great things in the states with her single ‘I Wanna Love You Forever.’ She’s been told she will change the face of music.
She says : "I sing pop. I know in pop music I have more of a chance to reach people." Didn’t get on to the Disney Club (U.S T.V show) but Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera did. ‘I Wanna love You Forever’ is out this month.
Ben’s View :
She’s great. Definitely got a load of talent. What a voice….she must have. O.K I’ve only seen her photo. (Can’t be arsed to listen to the single) But if she sounds as good as she looks, then bingo! Looks like the kind of bird you wouldn’t want to ‘Love Forever’, just the night, and then quickly sneak out of the bathroom window at 6am. I suspect she didn’t look too hot when she tried to get on The Disney Club. She probably would of confused the viewers by looking too much like daffy duck. But she looks to have gone from ‘Daffy Duck’ to ‘Randy as Fuck’.
Will she make it? Only if she gets her tits out.
 Dum Dums. : The Blurb
Sounds like Lit and Green Day. ‘Cracking Tunes and Live Shows’. Single ‘Everything’ is out now. Robbie William’s producer twiddles the nobs on album.
Met whilst studying ‘classical music’ at University.
Ben’s View :
Oh dear. Three pricks who look like the sort of geeks who’d hang around the 6th form block blowing clarinets in trench coats. Probably started reading the Guardian aged nine, and although now look all ‘grungy’ and ‘punky’ probably still go on holiday with their parents ‘Rose and Geoff’ every summer to the South of France. Any rock band that went to Uni to study classical music needs a slap. What do they sound like Ben? I don’t know. I’ve only seen the photo.
 M2M : The Blurb
Norwegian female singing duo. Both 15. Females in the Rn’B vein. They also use the old pop format and acoustic guitars. New single ‘Say you Love Me’ out now. Produced by Back Street and Spice nob twisters.
Ben’s View :
This is more like it. Man these two are hot!!! Both 15 and judging by the photo virgins. And if they’re not it’s an even bigger turn on. They could be massive if they get the right tune all over the radio. ‘What does the single sound like Ben?’ I don’t know. I was too busy wanking in the lavs over their photo. Probably not as good as the sound I was making once the ‘river banks had burst’.
Ben
 D O W N A N D O U T . . .
It wouldn’t be a week in pop without Oasis getting in the headlines. What have they done now I hear you ask. Released another mediocre album? Had a go at a Fat dancer? No.
Liam Gallagher has been voted best dressed man by ‘have a posh wank on us’ magazine. This award is bang out of order. Liam has all the dress sense of a blind girl trying on clothes in a branch of C&A in Swansea.
The other day I thought I saw Liam in Regents park. He was dressed in trade mark flares and had a green parker on. He also had his trade mark ‘stig in the dump’ hair style.
However, as I got closer I noticed it wasn’t Liam, but my dear friend ‘Mad Eddie’ who was searching the bins of London again for the ingredients to his favourite hot cuisine : ‘rat surprise’.
So not only does Eddie look like Liam, he also does a very good job of recycling any old shit he can get his hands on. The only difference is that Eddie eats shit, where as Liam mrely sings it.
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Blowing a Gail
Look’s like Keith Flint from the Prodigy has blown out with old "whoops ! all my clothes have come off again !" Gail Porter.
Apparently, Keith isn’t hot enough for Gail's bubbling lava pit and for a man who boasted about being a ‘Fire Starter’ he has trouble getting his own fire ‘started’.
A close friend advised her ‘ Get rid of him love You’ll never get a ‘large flame’ from ‘one damp twig and two small pieces of coal.’
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Spacy Gray
Dear oh dear, not content with looking like ‘Don King’ at the BRITS, Macy Gray this week speaks more shit than Bruno Brookes on a Local Radio station.
This week old ‘Bum So Big When I Lay On My Front I Do A very Good Impression Of A Bean Bag Sale In Habitat’ told us all how she’d met a ‘truck driving angel from heaven’.
She announced "We exchanged phone numbers and he said he would take me to his church. He never did – but I knew he was an angel".
Lord above! How did you know he was an Angel, Macy? Did he have wings? Was he healing sick children from Africa on his steering wheel? No. He was pissed. The Only reason he picked you up in his truck was because he thought you were a badly injured Gorilla dressed up as Co-Co the Clown.
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Furry Wig
The furry wig meister himself has officially gone on-line. Touted as one of the most advanced web sites fans have ever seen (!?) Mr Elton John makes his internet debut with www.eltonjohn.com
While chances to win invites to his Hollywood Oscar bash may get some pulses racing, there seems scant mention of the stuff most die hard fans want to know. You know, tips on the correct etiquette for telling gawpers to remove themselves from private tennis knock-abouts; how to have fun dib-dibbing with the boys and how many times he’s had to witness Posh Spice draped over a photographer. Come on El – spill the beans!
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Science Lab
Lord oh lord! Did you see The Chemical Brothers collecting their "Best Dance Act" award at the Brits? Hello! Geek watch! They looked like two Cardiff University students who got lost whilst out looking for Roman remains on a archaeology field trip. No wonder their faces never appear on any of their album covers. No one would buy it. Everyone would think it was a ‘Where’s Wally Now?’ CD-Rom.
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Hands Full
Well, well, it looks as if Hason didn’t quite get the hint after all their singles bombed after 1997, because they’re coming back folks!
Yep! Just like my Mother at the make-up counter at Boots, they keep coming back for more. They release a new single ‘If Only’ on 3rd April. I can hardly wait!
They are every sick pervert’s dream. They’re young boys who look and sing like girls. And this time they have come back with a new ‘Rock Image’.
I can just see every man in Britain who’s ever tried to recreate a certain feeling by shoving his ‘carrot’ into a loaf of soggy bread, getting all excited at the thought of the 6 year old drummer Zac dressed up in leather and working up a sweat by thrashing away at his drum kit.
Christmas has certainly come early for every ‘Uncle Fester’ this year. Now all you need is Arron Carter to take part in the ‘Blue Peter Swimmathon’ and you’ll have enough material to last a life time.
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There is a God
Looks as if Oasis are gonna have to start working on writing some decent tunes if they’re gonna keep mouthing off about how they’re the ‘Best Band In the World’.
Their new album ‘Standing on the Shoulder of Giants’ is down 60% of what ‘Be Here Now’ was selling during it’s first week in 1997. And that’s with the album priced at £9.99!
See what happens when you don’t hype an album. You thick doughnuts! The only way you’re gonna be ‘Standing On The Shoulder of Giants’ at this rate is by climbing the massive mountain of unsold CDs you’re gonna be left with.
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Baby Hedgehog
Good old Eurthymic star ‘hedgehog face’ Dave Stewart has become a father yet again.
Glad to see that although your come back has been as successful as Vanessa Feltz on a strict diet, you’ve still got something that doesn’t flop as soon as you get your hands on it.
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Silly season
The silly season has officially opened with the latest BMG artist signing. Not content with inflicting the likes of Westlife and 5ive on the public, Ian Moor is their next weapon.
Who? Good question – see if this rings a bell… "Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be Chris De Burgh…" I shit you not.
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